Day 27- Craziness

I have to wonder how much money Americans would save if they stuck strictly to an all-natural diet. I do not mean the sales gimmick of “Natural,” because even arsenic is natural. I mean like fresh or frozen veggies, fruit, meats and seafood. Depending on the season sales are always going on for all four and good deals can be found with a little bit of store hopping. I do not mention wheat because more studies have been coming out about grains not being what they used to be and offer less to no nutritional value than even a hundred years ago.  Probably 75% of my grocery store I go to wouldn’t exist if every product that had wheat, soy, and artificial flavoring were taken out. I wonder how many people waste money on pre-made foods that are only temporary filling while being full of sugars, preservatives, and chemicals. I can buy chicken drumsticks on sale (sometimes for as low as $1 per pound) and use two in a soup (I live alone), use a half bag of stir fry veggies (1.97 when on sale), and add some fresh kale to put in it (just for extra flavor and less than a dollar for the amount I use), add seasoning, and have a quart of soup that can last me three meals if not more. I will sometimes add more water and spices to make it last longer. Alternatively, I can buy a Healthy Choice pre-made meal for 2 dollars, if I’m lucky, and is full of ingredients I cannot pronounce and packed full of sodium and has little nutritional value. Even cereals and Pop-tarts for breakfast are just sugar and chemicals that lead one to need a snack before lunch because they are minorly filling. Often these snacks are a processed food or drink that are not filling long term and add up the cost of daily food consumption. Bacon and eggs can leave me feeling full for hours. Bacon may not be the best example as its processed but there is bacon made with lower sodium and less sugar, and two slices of bacon being enough to last me past lunch is definitely cost efficient.  I have eaten fish for breakfast also. Meat, seafood, veggies, and fruit can be even cheaper when buying in bulk at Costco or Sam’s Club.

I cannot say I don’t miss junk food when I try to avoid it, I am very much addicted to sugar as most Americans are. Bad food is a big part of our over-consuming culture.  I feel disgusting after eating it and when I think about what I am eating I often purge. I suppose this could be an anxious trait but also, I grew up on fresh foods from the ocean and tundra. Nothing is more satisfying than feeling full on food that you know is supplying your body with energy and nutrients.

 

I feel a bit over emotional today, I think trying to keep everything balanced is getting to me. I enjoyed some red wine last night but since I am feeling this way, I think I will just hold off on consuming any alcohol for a couple days. I just want everything to work out with college, finances, and work. Here is another example of how my mind works when anxious:

*I get into college and everything works out, GREAT! (there is actually a mental hospital in the works to be built that will be opening around the time I’m ready to intern)

*I get into college but cannot take out a loan in turn take fewer classes and struggle to make bills and buy food, but hopefully making the payments for school without getting in the hole. At least I am still in school and working toward a career goal.

* Cannot get into school and considering this is one of the easiest community colleges to get into I’m probably screwed when it comes to advancing my schooling thus having two options:

  1. I stay at my job making a tad bit higher than livable wage where I at least have decent benefits but am not fully happy and the current happiness at the job will diminish but I can survive (again that whole surviving is only existing)
  2. I move to Maine where there are job opportunities available that I qualify for but in turn I possibly lose any chance of taking in my daughter if something happens to her parents because they don’t want her away from her family. So, I stay where I am unhappy in the future and with no chance of advancement because the company only advances employees with degrees, or this can lead to two more options:
  3. I move to Maine and drop everything if something happened to my daughters’ parents and come back to raise my daughter, because honestly, I would have a stronger support system here and would have no problem giving up everything if it meant a better future for my daughter
  4. I say okay and agree to her going to family she has doesn’t have that unique bond with and hope for the emotional best and her psychological well-being isn’t too effected long term.
  5. But all these situations depend on the world staying on its current stability because all it takes is a solar flare to disrupt everything and in turn causing half the people to no longer exist and thus causing the remainder to fight for survival or die off from famine, which than I really need to be near my daughter.

And that’s when I need to shut my mind off and breathe, but it’s a prime example of what continuously goes on in my head.

 

Well, I hope I provided some insight into who I am without sounding too crazy. I would say I am crazy but there is that whole “crazy people don’t know they are crazy.” I am going to go to Target with my daughter and her parents to try to keep my mind off everything but current happy situations. I think we may try to get some friends to come over to play board games or something, if not we can usually keep ourselves entertained. I ate healthy yesterday and only purged once, but it was a little amount and when I thought about why I was doing it other than habit I stopped. I had bacon, scrambled eggs with a small amount of cheese for breakfast today. I had coffee; I love coffee too much probably. So, it is Saturday, I will try to keep my moods and mind stable and do my best to be good to myself today. I know I always say that, and I do try, it often is brought down if I consume bad food because once I have that taste of sugar my mind wants to use it to solve all its problems. I will try my best not to do that today. Well, Good Day to all!


Hearty Soup Day

Note to self, if I want to feel like shit then go ahead and eat a crud load of junk food. This is what I did last night at work. I am not sure why I binged, I did not purge though but it was so uncomfortable. And to be fair it wasn’t near as much food as I used to do on a binge. I am still stressed about finances. Like I am caught up I guess till the end of the week and I and I am really hopeful for an interview but I still am worried. So today I had a kale green smoothie, green tea, and mud/water for a good detox cleanse. I will attempt to drink as much water as possible. My tummy has been acting up for obvious reasons and I slept like shit last night which I think it because of the junk food. I have not been following my 8 hr eating window either. I think I should probably change it to 11-7 maybe. Normally when I am done at the gym I am hungry and I get done around 11. The 8 hr window frame was doing great on my tummy so I just need to do some tweaking and get back on track. Its all good because I recognize I am sliding a bit and can stop myself. I think this is pretty normal though. Everyone gets off balance so I don’t feel too bad about it. Neither should you if you are doing this too. For real though, how many people fall of track on going to the gym, walking, eating right, daily goals, we are human, we just have to fix the issue.


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So my green smoothie was made from 2 cups of kale, a cup of frozen mixed tropical fruit,  a banana, and 1.5 cups almond milk. I think I will skip the banana next time though. I don’t seem to really like the taste of bananas in smoothies. I will make up for it by adding extra kale.


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So I would say going vegetarian has saved me a lot of money. I mean the processed vegetarian foods can get pricey but I shouldn’t eat so much of that bad crap anyways. Like it is absolutely delicious and is great to be able to eat similar to what others around me eat but whole fresh foods are better for the tummy. Everything else should be enjoyed in moderation.


I made “Warm the Fuck Up Minestrone” soup from Thug Kitchen today. So many vegetables. I did tweak it a tiny bit because I don’t really like to eat a lot of pasta so I added more lentils and some kidney beans to balance it out. I also added some extra rosemary because I absolutely love rosemary. I used the cabbage rather than kale since I am getting kale in with my smoothie. I had to add some more vegetable broth, I might have overloaded it a a little. It is amazingly delicious though. I am honestly becoming so impressed with my cooking.


I bought some more of my Herb Pharm anxiety reliever yesterday. I don’t feel I have much anxiety these days but natural stressors I guess. Either way if my crappy eating habits are a response to stressors or anxiety I would rather take a supplement to help calm them till I can do some self therapeutic things. Also it does not help that I get so bored sitting on my butt all night at work. I am really hoping for a physical job soon. Patience, Kateri, patience.


It occurred to me a few weeks ago that I had reached the other side, I just don’t know when. It was a whole new view and life, new air, new sky, new foundation, but I was in a  strange land and didn’t know where to go. I could have turned back and jumped off the cliff, maybe I would have if I didn’t happen to meet the psychic. I think she is what helped give me a direction to go. Now I am just walking forward and hoping I am headed towards something grand.


That is all for today, I thought I would share some pictures of my day. I am going to try and meditate a little before I get ready for work. I have some relaxing piano music going and will probably cleanse my apartment since its been a week or so. Have a good day my friends. Look for what is holding your back. Are you pushing yourself to your full potential? Can you take a stronger jump? Cycling has taught me we always have more than we feel we are capable of. When you first are ready to collapse you are only half way to your potential, maybe not even that. Stay strong and keep fighting.

Day 26- Waiting, waiting, waiting

Anxiety is weird. I can be in a place where I should be having fun but instead, I am watching everyone around me for any sign of possible danger while my mind is worrying about global warming and the heightened numbers of viral outbreaks. True anxiety cannot be written in a meme. I want to enjoy myself just as much as anyone does, but my mind never shuts off.

The concert was nice. I think I have been fighting a tummy bug, so I had a lot of tummy cramps during it. Lzzy Hale can’t really dance but she has a great voice to make up for it, she also likes to stand like a flamingo. Joan Jett was amazing, I like her “I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks” persona. She is very comfortable on stage and it really showed in her performance. I would go see both of them again. I forgot who the opener was, some 16-year-old who lost on the voice. She did have a nice voice, but it wasn’t anything overly special for her age when I think back to classmates of my choir days. Her drummer was really good however, I can see him going places.

I feel disgusting today. When I worked at the post office I was in really good shape and after being gone a half a year I feel like I’ve gotten the body I always hated back. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself; I am the one who didn’t keep up with working out and let the arthritis and spurring cripple me. I know I should be eating healthy, like the fresh veggies and meats that always make me feel good, but I still have emotional eating habits. I was thinking about this last night and decided that for a day, or maybe a few, I should write (type) what I am feeling when I want to b/p. An example is right now, normally I would be snacking while looking at my emails and spreadsheets (often times there’s donuts, muffins, cookies, or pizza (this company loves to give food out)). That snacking, I know, is habit, because I am normally not hungry since I eat breakfast at home often. So, we will see how this works, maybe I will find something going on inside my head I did not realize before.

Well, today is another Friday and I am just hoping I hear from the college today, so I am not having to go through a whole weekend again of waiting. It’s very hard to keep all my emotions in check. I just want to know if I can get excited or not because if I can, then I can breathe because I do not have to worry about a letdown. If I cannot be excited that I at least did not let myself get too worked up and the mania won’t be too rough. Either way, I am trying to continuously balance all my emotions and thoughts and it is becoming exhausting. Well, enjoy your weekend everyone, I will try to with mine.


Day 25-Blabbering

I looked up pictures of Robin William’s death. I have always done this, looking up dead people. The first dead person I saw was when I was four at a funeral for someone in the village. I remember seeing people cry and thought the body looked weird. I can still see the body occasionally.  Looking up pictures of the dead reminds me of how mortal I really am.

 

On the outside I look very normal. I dress nice, wear makeup, have great hair, always smell nice, I look very put together, on the inside I am difficult and complicated. 

 

What I like most about blogging is there is no pressure to tell the truth. I take everything in strides and speak as I go. I have never been good at talking about my feelings nonetheless expressing them. I will never tell a lie to my followers. If I cannot be a role model because I am very fucked up myself, I will at least always be honest.

 

I have been thinking a lot about my beliefs. I am pretty sure I’ve mentioned thinking the afterlife is another dimension we cannot comprehend. We all are a part of the same cycle whether it be decaying into the ground and becoming a part of the earth to the earth revolving around the sun as a piece of dust in the galaxy that is a piece of dust in the universe. I believe a lot of religions have been corrupted by human greed to control the population. I am not saying Jesus or Muhammad weren’t real, but I do believe a lot of history has been rewritten since their existence. I also believe a lot of their teachings are what makes sense to the survival of the human species. After all, if we all practiced what was taught like always forgiving and loving your neighbor, would we really have all this hate and greed? I find it ironic that many Christians in America are very quick to judge others, such as families on food stamps and yet have no problem idolizing public figures.

I do not like all this hate in the world, its actually very scary. If I of all people can learn to forgive than why can’t everyone else? Maybe this thought is naive and selfish but hate eventually becomes very heavy.  If everyone in the world realized how every action they conducted rippled, would anyone continue to live the same way? Instead people hope the afterlife will bring a heaven that is not even guaranteed. Humans fear mortality. We cannot fathom our existence ending for good. We cannot even comprehend what forever means because with forever time doesn’t exist. If all energy is shared, then the actions we make in this world will affect the next. I have also thought about how even with ghost hunting; energy is sought after. If one does not believe in ghosts, then demons create negative energies also. This energy is what causes me to believe the afterlife is connected to our known reality, because energy cannot be created nor destroyed.

 

Well yesterday went okay. The day was very boring at work, but I got off early so that was nice, I will be getting off early today also. Bailey had a great time at the park with his buddies even though it was very warm out. There was a nice breeze which felt great. The skies are hazy from all the smoke from Canada and possibly California. Nature seems very off balance these days. I enjoyed a little bit of wine with my daughter’s mom last night and watched a show called Lucifer, it was not too bad, not the greatest acting. Tonight is the Halestorm concert, which is my first real concert, so I am getting excited. I am REALLY hoping to hear from the college today, all they need is my high school transcript which was mailed yesterday from where I graduated. I can, from experience, say the post office sucks haha. I hope I my blabbering was not too boring; I just can never shut my mind off and critically think a lot. Well peeps, the week is almost over, think happy thoughts and as always, be good to yourself.


Day 24- Therapy

I had a little bit of wine last night, whether or not this was a good idea I cannot tell you right now. I do know that I was able to relax even though my mind never did fully shut off. I did not feel I needed it but thoroughly enjoyed it. I admit there have times drinking has been a very bad idea and I’ve used it as a coping mechanism, I need to learn to recognize these times. I also know that I very much enjoy wine. When I originally started trying to stay sober for a month, I was trying to prove to myself that I did not need to drink, and I don’t. I am not telling myself lies in this regard because I was easily sober while pregnant with my daughter. I do admit I drank too soon after giving my daughter up for adoption as that is when I started really using the alcohol to cope. Of course, I came to be very happy with my choice and am now best friends with my daughters’ parents. I have never really given myself a real break from drinking since then because life happened. I do need to find a balance and good coping mechanisms still. Well, now I have over a half bottle of wine left in the fridge and no real desire to drink it but I have heard white wine makes a good Alfredo sauce so that could be a way to use it up.

 

I want to explain what happened with my last blog. I have times where I worry about everything as I have mentioned. It has never failed that when life is going well something bad happens, normally threefold, so I always try to think of every possible bad thing that can happen and the ripple effects. I am now starting to wonder if I just never had many good times in my past and it was just coincidence that something bad would happen. The worst thing I am afraid of is my daughters’ parents dying so I was trying to prepare. I have done this with my parents and siblings also, as well as my aunt and already passed family members, and have done it since I was a kid. I started imagining all the ripple effects and the devastation of my daughter if her parents were to die and was sort of pushing her mom to make sure I was the one who would raise her. My daughter and I never really lost our bond, it was faint for a while before I moved close to her, but it has always been there.  Well…for some reason her mom didn’t really want to think of her own death (this always confuses and surprises me with people). So, I of course started digging for any reason she had and felt judged (even though I brought it on myself). This had happened the day/night before. I did not sleep well because of dreams and in turn beat myself down. I also read an article about how close humanity is to a tipping point of causing a chain reaction that would make the planet inhabitable. I have always been able to imagine any scenario in my head; they are not always good. I suppose that could be a side effect of PTSD. I would like to think this will get better with time, but I do not know. I also know because of what I know, nothing will ever happen to my daughter. The ripple effects of negative experiences are not always all bad. Well, that was what caused all the anxiety and feeling I needed to keep myself in check, mixed in with waiting to hear from school and work being really busy. She and I did talk it out. We are trying this whole weird thing called communication since we have all bottled up emotions and thoughts inside in turn causing problems in the past.

 

I call myself the “Hollywood Mom.” I get to have all the fun and don’t have to deal with dirty diapers and tantrums, except my daughter finds it funny for me to be close to vomiting when changing her poopy diapers so she forces me to.

 

I have come to the realization I never fully accepted my childhood until this past month. It wasn’t until I said it to the world that I honestly believe it now. Of course, there are still things of my past I want to tell, and I will. I do find blogging therapeutic. I know I have followers. What I say on my blog is the same exact thing I would say in therapy, except now I will never have to repeat myself again (every therapist asks the same questions, over and over again). I remain hopeful the more I tell the more those wounds will heal. Eventually there will be an end, after all I have only lived 28 years, but maybe by then I’ll have my shit figured out and will have a very interesting life to keep my readers happy. If not, then maybe I’ll just be a happy old crabby lady who blogs about my mail being late, I’ll be equally happy with both as long as I have my daughter and best friends.

 

I do hope I have not disappointed readers today. I know I wanted to be a role model when I started this blog, but I do not know how I deserve to be when I still have many of my own issues. Ironically this blog has changed to be my own therapy instead. I feel lighter today. I still need to work on the b/p, it’s worse when I am anxious. I am hopeful for the best outcome with the college. Tonight is Baileys playdate and tomorrow I will be going to a Halestorm concert. Please be good to yourself today, after all, I am.

 

 

 

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