Setback

I am very disappointed in myself these days. I know I am so much better than what I am and can achieve anything so why do I have to be so human? Obviously because I am human but still. I know drinking and binging feed on each other, I  also know when I don’t get enough sleep I make piss pour decisions. With school, work, and spending time with my daughter I have a very tight window for adequate sleep, except I have been tired since before school started when I got really sick. So here I sit, reminiscing on manic spending (I mean, it was food so I will be stocked up for a while), a tad bit hungover (six beers can bring me down these days), raw gums (since hey, purging is familiar and comfortable) while drinking my coffee, refiguring out finances, trying to stay caught up on homework, all while telling myself I am too old for this shit and I seriously just need to learn to go to fucking bed.

I am too old for this shit and honestly have too much going for me to be playing this game with my other self or however we want to refer to her. I don’t know, maybe just the bitch lol. Seriously though, I love my life and am proud of everything that I have, I am too exhausted to fall, I have worked hard for what I have. Gawd damnit, when will this stupid BPD go away?

Well, that is my ranting, great way to give a heads up on how I am doing. I have chili boiling, am about to shower and get ready for work. I am just so disappointed in myself and who better to tell than the world? I don’t want to worry my best friend because I know this is just a damn fluke I have to get past, there is no room for failure, just occasional setbacks and this is one of them. Sigh, be good to yourself, I am trying. I am just giving myself the space to grow and not putting too much stress on myself. I always figure it out. What is funny is I am not even depressed, this is all just unnecessary habit.

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Update

To be honest, I never wanted it to burn

I mean, I did

But not in the way it is now

You see, when you are being fucked as a child, a small innocent two year old, you want it all gone. I always thought I wanted it to burn, but now that it is, it’s the saddest mixed emotions. My childhood home, Alaska, is literally on fire. I see friends who are dealing with the smoke and losing everything they have to fire. It’s not what I wanted while it is. Life can be ironic.


The sky is overcast today with a cool breeze. I enjoy this weather. There has been too much sun lately, it gets exhausting to have too many nice days. They aren’t as enjoyable when there are too many of them. I wish it would rain though, like a nice steady rain. Lately when it rains it feels like a hurricane, no joke, sure I live in North Dakota but our winds will get up to 80 mph with absolute downpour. That is far from relaxing.


School starts this week. I feel kind of nervous for on campus classes. I feel old to be in class but I am sure I will find others my age too. I switched my classes around a bit. I am not comfortable taking 15 credits while working full time, at least not right away since I haven’t taken classes on campus for over a decade. I want to be able to try and socialize a bit. So now I am taking Intro to Entrepreneurship, Accounting, Statistics, and Environmental Ethics. I wanted a class I could look forward to and I knew I would enjoy Environmental Ethics, I am also hoping it will help with joining the environmental club. I am still a full time student with 12 credits, I have to be to stay on scholarship and grants.


I cant say I have been great. I was on a high for awhile there, I honestly believe it was real. I know I can accomplish great things. It’s scary to know you have that much strength and power in you. Scary enough that you need to find any reason to be weak. So I found a reason that honestly wasn’t a reason at all but just an excuse and self vomited. There was no reason with fearing weight gain but all centered around familiarity. When I went to the store last night I mindlessly bought chips, cheese, and liquor. I did the same old same old but the emotions weren’t there. The feel good wasn’t there. I felt like I was just watching myself from the outside, studying myself. Have you ever experienced that? It’s a weird moment of understanding. It’s like an ending because now I know how I look. I saw myself.


Work has been going great but I decided to get sick last week. I am still dealing with the remainder of it. I had a bad migraine with a cold and possible sinus infection. I am pretty sure I was close to bronchitis with how raw my lungs felt. DayQuil and NyQuil work amazing. I am so thankful to have sick leave but I still plan on working OT next weekend since there’s a good chance it will be available. I have really good managers who are very into personal development and growth. I am thankful for my job. I still feel a bit animosity against my previous workplace. It’s weird when you want a founder to accomplish his dream because it will literally save hundreds of thousands of lives but you want a shitty manager to fail because he’s just that shitty. I am sure that will go away over time.


I am not sure why I blogged. I know I keep saying I want to get back into it again, but life has been fairly blah and blerg. Maybe now that school is starting I will have more to blog about. We will see. I had better go shower and get ready for work. Bailey has an ear infection. I hope he doesn’t need to go to the vet. I am trying some ear mite ointment with aloe for it. I am reading apple cider can really help. Well, I had better get going. Have a good day everyone. Be good to yourselves.

Invincible

If you are lucky, you  have experienced the feeling of invincibility based on your own success, and overwhelming happiness, not based on anyone around you, but from yourself. I do not think many people experience this, not with the rate depression and substance abuse are increasing. Many people just go on with life saying it is what it is and just accept the negative areas of their lives and themselves, after all, if your 75 percent happy, than aren’t you happy? But what about the other 25%? It’s the smallest weakness that can be our downfall.


I am invincible. All I am going to do is keep going up in the world, I am going to be so successful, I have been feeling this for awhile now so I know it’s not another manic mood.

It’s different. 


I am done with this summer semester which means I officially have my associates degree. There is no summer graduation but I will be getting my diploma in the mail. I can walk in the Fall graduation ceremony if I would like but I don’t think I will, it will be too old than haha.

I am all signed up for classes at NDSU. I have switched my major back to business management. The reasoning for this is simple, I want to make a lot of money and I no longer care to be my own patient. I will be taking Accounting I, Business Computers (again), Business Mathematics, Macroeconomics, and Intro to Entrepreneurship. I am also hoping to join the environmental club.

Also, this will go great with my new career at a large bank here! I just started this past Monday and I am really enjoying it. I am a case processer (I think?….so many similar names and areas) but pretty much I deal with EFTs and reversing fees for disputes. There is so much room to grow. On my second day my trainer told my managers she guarantees I will be a team lead. She told me there are things I am getting that have taken others months to understand. I know I am smart and I know I am only going to keep on going higher.


I am weak though because I have weaknesses. Those weaknesses can be my downfall and they are alcohol and bulimia. I wish I could say I was sober for a month but I wasn’t, three days of drinking, not in a row but still. The first drink, guilt and not enjoyed; the second drink, guilt, embarrassment, anger, not enjoyed; third drink, relaxing, happy, comfortable, but still not enjoyed; every day after though, felt like shit mentally, physically, and emotionally, even though it wasn’t much at all for me.

I have prided myself on being able to say since I no longer purge I am not bulimic. The thing though is it is still so easy to do and because of that I am mentally bulimic. You know how I have needed those times of smoking a cigarette to know how much I hate it? Well I really wanted a drink, craved a drink, told myself I was so invincible but I also knew I would not enjoy it, so I purged and it was so easy, too easy. And right than is when I threw away the junk food I bought and the remainder of my wine glasses, the only items I had left relating to alcohol.

As long as I have mental weakness I cannot be successful. I have a psychiatry session set up for August 8th, its just an intro session and therapy set up for September 11th.  I never made it to addictions in psychology, that would have all been next semester. I can recover from bulimia easily because I have studied it for years and spent a year of self therapy by blogging as well as a couple hypnotherapy sessions. I know nothing of alcoholism recovery though. I mean, I know my own mind and know how it can be my worst enemy and instigator, but I don’t know coping mechanisms to deal with it. I don’t really feel like wasting time taking more classes in psychology just to be my own therapist, I would rather take classes that will give me a career I enjoy. So, I guess we will see how that goes.


It is weird though to feel like shit, not like tired shit, but like shit that you used to feel due to bad habits but than forgot. I am glad I will never experience that again. 


I am an alcoholic who doesn’t like the feeling of alcohol but whos mind convinces her she does, how does that make sense….

I am a bulimic who doesn’t binge or purge but whos mind will try to convince her she will be ok if she does…

I am invincible but also vulnerable because of my weaknesses.

I have everything I need and whatever I want I will eventually acquire.

I am so different than the girl who started blogging a year ago, but I can be, but I don’t want to be.

I want the success I so rightly deserve and I will obtain it.

Unbearable Thirst

Its an unbearable thirst, detoxing that is, and maybe I am not even detoxing at this point, but all I want is a drink, I need a drink, no fluids satisfy me. In fact I am taking a piss at least once every hour if not more. I want my mind to be gone. I want to be gone. I want to fall and fly at the same time. I want to breath and choke. I want to scream, cry, and fight. Gawd please someone just beat the shit out of me. No shakes but right now I could go for them. I could go for feeling like shit so this feeling of need would go away. Nothing entertains me, I even got a new iPad Pro today, but I am still so bored, so bored with this life, so bored with myself, so bored with all my shit, I just want that good time, fuck the repercussions right? Come on everybody let the good time roll. I sure hope the Zofran helps, I doubled that dose, it’s the best I could think of doing for myself. Fuck this unrelenting thirst, I feel like vampire that has been sleeping for ages. The fuck is this shit.

Sober Day 5…ugh.

I think the worst part about getting sober is the possibility that maybe I am just permanently screwed up and emotionally unstable. Like when I was bulimic I could always just blame instability on hormones, when I was a teenager I could blame it on my childhood abuse, as I got older I could blame it on alcohol…but what if I take all those out of the picture and I still have issues? What if there are parts of me that just can’t be fixed?


Today started out as really good, I felt pretty good this morning. I sold my kitchen-aid right away so I got out of my financial bind, I donated plasma, I went to Walmart and was able to get the boys their food and even treated myself with cheeseburgers (no bun) and olives to make at home. I bought some big sheets of paper to start drawing on and nail polish. I didn’t get anything too expensive, after all I am still playing catch up. I am not sure what to draw but I figure that would be a good sober thing to do.

I don’t know what happened. I started making my cheeseburgers and playing with the boys and the sky started getting very hazy. It turns out there are some pretty big fires in Canada burning that the wind brought downward to us and it just sort of settled on the city. When my cheeseburgers were done all I could think while eating them is how great a beer would be with them. My mind started trying to make excuses, like whats ONE beer gonna hurt? I didn’t have one but the craving became pretty bad for awhile. Instead I mixed some Mio in with a La Croix so I could get the fizz. That made me want to mix some vodka in like UV or Smirnoff, I didn’t. Maybe that was the start of it, I don’t know. After I ate I just felt really off, like I just wanted a drink. I turned on a movie and started looking up more about the fires in Canada, but then that brought me to the two big earthquakes that happened in California. Than than made me think of an article I read about climate change causing earthquakes because theres more liquid in the earths crust and that spun me off to our politicians barely giving a shit and how it feels like Americans can’t look past their backyards to all thats happening in the world and that led me onto a feeling of hopelessness and searching up even more repercussions of pollution. So…from like maybe 2-3pm on to 6 (?) I was on a hard roll of despair. My daughters mom couldn’t get me out of it. I ended up taking a very cold shower so I could start breathing again. I really hope these low points are just the results of detoxing. Haha, hello, my name is Kateri and I am an alcoholic who’s body is craving any substance, even drugs that it’s never done. Oh screw all you toxic needs, get over yourself.


Tonight I feel like someone knocked the air out of me. Well…day five is about done, I just want to have a full day of stability and sanity for once in my life, I just want a day of no dependance or self harm. Maybe tomorrow.


Peace

Meh, Detoxing, ya know?

I have known I was an alcoholic for a long time, probably since my lower twenties and questioned it after every party. At least than I still drank for the good time. When I wanted to go sober for a month a year ago I knew by than I was an alcoholic and had repeatedly been telling myself that all year. I don’t like failing and to admit I was an alcoholic before I was ready to quit meant failing. If I didn’t have that moment where I woke up and said I was done I would have gone back. And to fail and drink again meant shame. I don’t handle shame that well…normally I just drink it away….so we can see how a chain reaction would occur.

A year ago I said I was going to be done with bulimia and drinking but no one can stop addictions without understanding why they exist otherwise there will always be something else that feeds whats underneath. People can stop being bulimic but than become anorexic, or they can go the other way and eat everything in sight. There shouldn’t have to be such restraint on ones life if they are at peace with themselves. Saying that, I do not think not drinking is a restraint but alcohol itself is the restraint. Now I just have to relearn how to live because living is something I have never done.

In a way the freedom feels overwhelming. What do I do? I can start my art again, I can learn to cook more chef worthy meals because I love cooking, I can get in shape at the gym, I can enjoy long walks with my pup, I can save money, I can buy nice clothes, I can get my nails done, I can decide I want to go camping on a weekend somewhere, I feel like a prisoner being set free in a world that I don’t recognize.


I feel exhausted today. Like not sleep tired but my body feels like it has been hit by a bus. According to my sleep monitor I didn’t sleep that well. I was pretty active yesterday though so that could be contributing but I know its mainly my body going through a lot internally with recovery. I recall being exhausted last year as well. My hair is feeling better, I buy expensive shampoo and conditioner to deal with the effects of alcohol but even those were starting to not work

For some reason knowing I am done is actually less stressful. I remember last year when trying to stop for a month I still stressed about what I could drink on low carb and what I could drink at hockey games and what would be too much and if I would have enough money for drinks plus I had wine decor all around me. Addiction is weird…I am more at peace knowing I can never have liquor again than when I just wanted to take a break.

I notice I am having a lot of twitch like movements, like I need to always move, it’s not really shakes though, just constantly having to move, even if its my fingers. I don’t have cravings though. I am feeling music more.


Trying to figure out finances and getting billing in order for my new job I am realizing how close I was to losing so much. Like…I am just having to sell some things to stay on track this month but damn…where the fuck did all my money go? Oh yeah, binging and drinking. Although I was drinking the same amount as my worst a year ago, but shit, I was keeping it all down this time because I didn’t purge, fuuuuuuck. I would have lost my friends too, I know that. Honestly eventually I would have not been a good influence around my daughter either.


I am really curious to know how I will be once I am fully detoxed. I have always had some sort of chaos from the time I was in my birthmothers womb, until now. The past is fully understood and accepted, the bulimia is gone, and eventually so will the alcohol, I have never had internal and external stability. I have never had real freedom.


Peace

Happy Fourth?

Well, this is my third day sober, although I am not sure Tuesday actually counts since I was drunk past midnight that morning, whatever, I’ll count it. I wonder when I will stop counting, the only reason I remember how long I have been bulimia free is because the last time I purged was new years eve.


I’ve never really been a fan of the fourth of July, not because I don’t think independence is important but mainly because being Native American it doesn’t really seem like its much a holiday, like we were already free until europeans came and killed us all off…also, right in the declaration of independence we are referred to as “merciless indian savages,” soooo……yeah. But hey, I am at least sober this time…so…not dependent on alcohol for Independence day like over 8 million Americans.


It is easy to say you are done drinking but its harder to hold through. I would like to say recovering from bulimia was harder but I honestly don’t know because I can’t remember. I know bulimia recovery was painful, very painful physically. Emotionally in a way too because of my changing body, but that is still something that I am trying to deal with. Realistically this will get easier because as we all know I try to keep my carbs lower with a diet primarily of eggs, fresh and steamed veggies, and lean meats. However, if I am doing low carb than drinking than that is obviously upping my carbs beyond “low carb” and calories. So a high fat, high calorie, high carb diet has not been good to my body. Not to mention drinking normally made me crave some kind of greasy high carb shit when hungover or even during drinking. I know now that I am done my body will start getting back in shape. In a way I do not think I can say I am fully recovered from bulimia because there were many times that I downed liquor just to deal with the negative thoughts and changing body, there are still some thoughts I will have to deal with. But even more-so, the alcohol. See, when I was bulimic I was throwing up so much that it was just natural for my body to throw food up than keep it down, once my body got used to keeping food down that was it…I started digesting normally and that was that, but alcohol, it’s so much more than that because it’s a chemical addiction, and when I am fully detoxed, it then becomes mental. It’s a mental of wanting to open that beer on a hot summer day, it’s wine on cold lonely nights in the dead of winter, it’s free margaritas on your birthday, its opening up champagne to celebrate an event, and its a social addiction, because everything I mentioned is the way society is. It’s a social addiction that will always want to feed the mental addiction. I have been seven months bulimia free, I wonder what it will be like to be seven months sober.


It has been a rough day of ups and downs, everything normal of detoxing, luckily I am a fast healer. The shakes are gone, the bloating is getting better, I think I have had a normal bowel movement but I cannot remember, I am hoping my short term memory gets better. I have been cleaning a lot. I got rid of all my wine decorations. I had a fun day with my daughter and her parents and Bailey. Just have to take it step by step, we all know I will though.


Peace