Day 4- Numb

I am not a fan of birthdays. Each one reminds me of every year of time wasted. Time creates barriers and washes away dreams. It keeps me a prisoner of my own body, waiting for the clock to finally end.

I had originally written a lengthy blog about when my first purging session happened as a teenager and the chaos that surrounded the event. With how long it was I decided against posting any of it for the time being as there are still details, I am trying to recover.

Life Wise
Yesterday was an okay day. There was of course a little purging, but I feel it decreasing. I am not trying to keep food down so to say, I just do. A majority of the day I felt like I only existed and nothing more. I was tired from all the nightmares the night before but with some coffee I was where I needed to be alert wise. I kept myself busy but that was the best I could do for myself. I took Bailey to the park to meet other dogs last night and he had a blast. We went to bed around 10 but I could not fall asleep. I had too many emotions flooding in and thoughts that I could not drink to forget. I was not able to sleep through the night without waking up numerous times in cold sweats. I am not sure if I had nightmares or not.
This morning I woke up with barely enough ambition to come to work. I can barely think other than what I need to focus on for work. I do not really feel anything. I am not sure if my menstrual cycle being full blown has anything to do with it or if it’s just part of getting sober. After all this is day four of being sober. My last HEAVY drinking day was last Thursday with over two bottles of wine and a 32 oz Wicked Apple and then Friday-Sunday was roughly a bottle of wine a night. I think I drank myself through the shakes and nausea. So, I am pretty sure I am at the point that if I were to feel anything it would be absolute depression, otherwise I honestly do not feel anything but numbness. It is ironic for someone who is as self-sufficient and independent as myself, I am still very bored and lonely with life.

Eating Wise
Until I can get over this week of beginning sobriety, I am not sure I can honestly say if my eating habits are healthy or not. I have always felt more energized on a lower carb diet. Being Native American I cannot say that my body has yet adapted to Americanized food. After all, the obesity rates among the native ethnic group is extremely high and a majority of them live off sugary, processed, high sodium foods. While growing up in the villages a lot of my diet was fresh fish and moose. The people still live off the land in the bush of Alaska. Once I was introduced to foods such as chips and candy my weight sky rocketed. I am thinking I need to go back to the meat and vegetables. I have always done low carb because I can still drink wine on it. That obviously is NOT a healthy reason. I ordered some meat and vegetables yesterday from the grocery store so that will be my diet for the time being. That is the best I can do while being stuck in this haze.

I wish my blog today was a bit more interesting or even gave encouragement. I am lost behind a haze for the time being, maybe the best advice is that this part is normal.
Also, I heard Demi Lovato’s “Sober” this morning, talk about hitting home.


F.U.

Tightness in the chest, holding back tears, not being strong enough to and having moments of crying. Smile, try to enjoy the time you have. Laugh, live, and love they say. Cleanse the energy around you to breath, hold onto your black tourmaline for comfort. A sickening sinking feeling when you know your past will always haunt you when you live in a world where money is made from the poor, its expensive being poor. There’s a threshold you try to get above, so many come so close but a small mistake brings down the world on top of them, there’s no room for mistakes when your poor. Humans make mistakes though, its only natural. It’s a harsh world our parents have created for us and we are too busy dealing with the weight of reality to make a better world for our own children.

Far too many in the land of the free and the so called number one country live like this. Don’t get sick or your credit will be shot from unpaid medical bills. Don’t fail college or your credit will also be shot from student loans. Don’t miss a payment or the fees will leave you hungry till payday. Don’t overdraw your account or banks will charge you hundred of fees a day.

Need a car to get to work? Sure, but if you have shitty credit we will charge you outrageous interest.

Need a safe and secure place to live where your not asked for a blowjob or jumped for asking someone if they can move their car so you can get out of your garage? Well, you gotta pay double the rent for that, sucks to be a single female, should have gotten a man instead of trying to make it on your own, stupid women, don’t you know, men still run the country?

Have some mental issues you want to get help for? Well unless you have good insurance your going to the state funded overcrowded buildings, good luck!

Want to eat healthy? Well, better enjoy your food small because you pay extra for caring about yourself. Would you like five packs of ramen or an apple?  Don’t think about the long term health conditions, after all, thats a mess of its own.

Make a mistake and have a child? Well you better hurry up and get rich or you will be  labeled a whore who lives on welfare, fuck the men who can keep a dick in their pants because condoms are uncomfortable, boys will be boys. It’s the women who share sole responsibility, unless if your choosing adoption of course, than a man has the say.

Work hard and you will make it our parents told us, but they created a world that feeds on the poor.

Theres no room for mistakes if your poor, not if your trying to make it. Theres even less room for mistakes if your a female. Fuck you capitalism.

 

Day 3

Day 3
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF

A Little About Me
I suppose if I were to want people to have an idea of who I am at I should introduce myself some. My name is Kateri. I will be 28 this Friday. I am thinking this will be my first birthday in a decade for which I will be sober. This is hard considering I live in a very booze consumed world.

Have a problem?
Have a whiskey.
On a romantic date?
Have some wine.
Going out with the girls?
Long island and margaritas for everyone!
Enjoying the game? Beers are 2 for $5.
It’s your birthday?
FREE DRINKS!
I wish I could add up the amount of money I have spent on booze alone since turning 21. I can fill each of those answers with food as well. There is always food for any type of occasion or emotion.
Want to lose weight?
Here’s some salad.
Feeling emotional because you can’t lose weight?
Its ok, here’s a coupon to go eat out with the girls and gossip, it will make you feel better!
You still can’t lose weight?
Here’s a diet pill, no exercise needed!

That’s beside the point. My birthday shall be interesting, but I realize that in order to cure my eating disorder this is a necessary step to take.

Back to me though. I work for one of the leading companies of plasmids, I am just a little guy but play a pretty significant roll and am very proud of my job. It is a rarity that one such as me could find a job that has great pay along with amazing benefits. I work Monday through Friday, 7-4. I love it and take my job very seriously. I have a dog named Bailey and two cats named Fat Louie and Mr. Cooper. I live on my own. I have never done well with roommates. I am number four out of five kids. My parents have been married for probably 40 years now, I don’t keep track of dates. I live in crappy North Dakota and have lived all around the state. It’s not for me, but there is a good possibility I will end up in Maine someday. I miss the ocean and the mountains, but Alaska is way too expensive to live and honestly holds too many bad memories for me. I keep my friends close but there are not many. I have a daughter whom I put up for adoption a couple years ago, but I am very close to her and her parents have become my best friends. All in all, life is decent other than I live in a really shitty neighborhood. I think the best way to describe myself is I am an old hag stuck in a 28-year-old body who looks she could be 18.

One would think with my disorder that I am another spoiled millennial, after all, why would someone purposely make themselves hungry if they had ever known hunger? It is honestly a very mind-fucked state of existing since hunger is something even years later, I am still very afraid of.
I went for a longer walk this morning with Bailey. The fresh cool breeze smelled amazing and felt great on my face. I spent a majority of yesterday feeling like I had been hit by a bus. The first few hours went by ok but by noon I felt I could sleep for days. I was in bed by 9 last night. A normal bedtime for me is midnight to 2am. I had some of the worst nightmares last night to the point I woke myself up from screaming. When I would wake up, I would have this feeling of pressure in the back of my head, it was as if my mind was still sleeping but I was awake.

A Circle I Can’t Escape
I should point out that a light night of drinking for me could easily be a bottle of wine or five 8% IPAs. That also depended on how much I binged and purged since obviously I would get rid of some of the alcohol I consumed. This would just lead to consuming more alcohol. Drinking more, however led to a greater hangover, which led to greasy junk food the following day which led to purging, or I would be too sick to eat anything all day and then by dinner time I would be so hungry I would binge and then of course throw it all up.
It is easy to see how this a revolving chain reaction and the sick thing is that both the food and the alcohol comfort each other and block emotions. In this world that should be okay, after all, does the media not say I am supposed to mask any feelings I have?

Guilt (but trying to be good to myself)
I think its best I do not go into detail of what I ate yesterday. If I were to say I did not purge in the past 24 hours I would be lying, and I will not lie to my readers. If there are readers who are looking for advice to recover, the last thing I should do is list foods that can trigger. This is not an easy habit to break. It takes time.


Rando Thought Process

Everything happens for a reason, everything will work out, I tell myself this, but sometimes I feel like it’s not always true. We don’t all make it, do we? There are stories of people who go batshit crazy because of stress. I heard a story about a guy who was stressing over money for years but he kept telling his wife it would work out because it always had. He ended up suffering from major insomnia, two hours of sleep was a good night. He wound up murdering his kid and stabbing himself in his sleep. I can actually fully believe he was sleep walking because I know I lose sleep over bills, and he had been suffering from insomnia for over a year straight with no break, and then he was told his family would be evicted. It is also known that a sleepwalker should never be woken up because they can become violent. It was the case of Joseph Mitchell. I suppose the other end of this also is that he lied to his wife about his childhood and background because he didn’t find himself good enough for her. The burden of lies do add up eventually.

Maybe we are not  all supposed to make it in this life. We wouldn’t have homeless people or people dying of hunger and thirst if we were all meant to make it. Maybe this thought itself “making it,” is a privileged thought. We all struggle, many more than others. Too many are not given opportunities to be better. Or maybe we all have that opportunity to jump at some point but we pass it by. After all, there are people who escape North Korea. It was a lot easier to illegally immigrate into the country a few years ago than it is now, the ones who jumped first rather then waiting for the crowd made it. People who escape abduction took the small window of chance and ran. Women leave domestic violence while others stay and die. Maybe the homeless person gave up when their break was right around the corner, or maybe they did something when younger and let regret take over their life. There are people who leave war torn countries before they are such and the people left behind become refugees.Maybe it is instinct. Everyone gets bad feelings but how many people push aside that fear in their chest or head, drink it away, buy it away, gamble, eat, anything to provide temporary relief.

After this thought process I do feel like we all have that chance to jump, maybe some more than others. Some stay and feel as safe as long as possible but are a frog in water about to boil. Some get karma. Some give up too soon,  I will not give up.

“Don’t be afraid of death, be afraid of an un-lived life, you don’t have to live forever, you just have to live,” Natalie Babbitt

I used to think that living required money but it doesn’t. Enjoying the sunrise and sunsets, watching a full moon graze across the sky, taking a walk, listening to your family and friends laugh, reading, writing, music, the warmth is in us. I do believe some people let evil take over after they have missed their chances and the warmth is no longer there. I do know warmth can always come back but too often a person gives up and lets themself be consumed by the dark.

Hmm…the ending point I have come up with out of all this jabber,  don’t be afraid to jump, never give up, keep your thoughts pure and hopeful, keep fighting and you will make it, let the simple happy moments fill you up rather than alcohol and drugs, and listen to your instincts.

Good Day

Day 2

 

Day 2
GETTING RID OF THE GARBAGE

Well I threw up dinner last night but considering that was my only purging time during the day I do not feel so terrible. I am struggling to find the middle ground of eating healthy without dieting while still wanting to lose weight. I weigh roughly 145 pounds, give or take on the day. This being up from 131 last winter. At that time however, I was killing my body working for the Post Office. I have always yoyoed between low carb and binging/purging. However later this past winter I actually kept food down for over two months. I was working out a healthy amount and building muscle. Then life happened. I do miss being able to eat pizza and drink beer with no fear. There was nothing but satisfaction while playing video games.
I suppose if I want to document my recovery process for others to use as a guide, provided I am successful, I should input my meals.

Breakfast Day 1
3 scrambled eggs in coconut oil mixed with 2 oz mixed peppers and shredded cheddar cheese (garnished with spices)

Lunch Day 1
Same thing as breakfast except with 2 eggs
I also ate a 32 oz jar of pickles throughout the day. I have read that the pickle juice is good for the gut bacteria as well as putting electrolytes back in the body (do not quote me as I have only found it through google). In theory, the bloat should be less painful.

Dinner Day 1
Soup- 2 boiled chicken legs (shredded after cooked), spiced for flavor, added frozen stir fry veggies.
Bagged Romaine Salad with Ranch dressing.

(this is what did not stay down…fully)

So, when I started this day, I figured I would be doing low carb. But I feel like I am selling myself short because I am already depriving myself of any occasional splurging and enjoyment of carbs in the future. This is a potential trigger. I went to bed with a cup of Bigelow Sweet Dreams tea rather than my normal full glass of wine. That tea knocks me out every time.

Today I am starting the day off with a probiotic (I did yesterday as well), with coffee, and a fresh boiled egg. I am fairly short on money due to wasting it on liquor and junk food (neither of which I kept down) and losing my credit card, so I am limited till Friday when I get paid. I will be getting creative; I have a lot of chicken and wild rice. My only concern is getting my veggies in, however I donated plasma yesterday and have a few dollars left after buying hygiene products so will go buy a couple frozen veggies after work.

SIDENOTES:
I will not be writing everything that is going on in my head right now in terms of what I think about myself, that being in case someone in the future is looking for guidance on recovery. All I can say is the emotions and thoughts will get worse the next week. Especially as my body is going through the changes. I cannot say they will be bad changes as long as I keep myself on a healthy diet. In the future I can definitely splurge occasionally, after all it wouldn’t be the holidays without that piece of pie or extra cookie. But for the time being I need to be good on my digestive system. I need to let it get back to running its course. At the same time, I have to be good to myself mentally and fight those voices. My first week or so, I will wear looser clothing since I will be bloating. I need to make sure to keep drinking adequate amounts of water. I will keep taking a probiotic to help build up the good bacteria in my digestive track. I will be buying Greek yogurt, it’s delicious and also great for the tummy. I will avoid working out too much the next couple weeks, keep it healthy otherwise I can definitely go overboard with trying to work off anything I eat.

This next part is what I always struggle with, finding hobbies outside of food and liquor. If someone were to ask me what I enjoy doing on my free time I would probably respond with I like reading, writing, drawing, dancing, and watching tv. The truth is I honestly mainly drink and watch tv (along with the binging). I used to enjoy the others, but I feel that is a part of me I have lost over the past decade. I suppose maybe lack of finding myself has been my downfall in the past. Those are where the healthy coping mechanisms lie.


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