Check-In w/drawing

Hmm…sugar overload from treats at work, downed liquids to keep from dealing with constipation, cramps from my IUD, yep, its been a great evening. I am trying to stay grounded. I am still waiting to hear from a second job. I feel gross and bloated, damn this is all too familiar.

I think I mentioned before I am back to drawing, but I cannot recall if I said I am making a picture for my daughter for her birthday next month. It’s not much done yet, but it feels good to be able to hold a pencil without shaking.

I don’t know what it is I am trying to find. I know at the beginning of the year I made goals, I cannot remember what they were though. I know one was to get over bulimia, I suppose this is day five I think? I do not know when I can say I am truly over it since I was over it for like eight months? I guess I can just call it a fluke of starting again. I recall a second goal being to stay sober for a month, well I have done that but I also know I can never take a drink again. I have found drawing again and writing which I remember being another goal, finding things I used to enjoy. Maybe I will have a savings by the end of the year like I wanted. I received my associates which I know was one.I didn’t go skydiving but that is okay. I still feel like I am missing something though even though I have accomplished all that I have, I also feel like I have accomplished nothing. I think I will get a rose quartz, I need to open up my heart chakra, I think some self love will do me well.

I guess today was another day. I slept in, did my normal routine, coffee, shower, let Bailey out, that sort of thing. I drew some and did some laundry. I guess ordinary days are okay. It doesn’t leave much room to write, but I suppose the whole no news is better than bad news. I could be saying that I drank two bottles of wine and had six beers again while vomiting up fifty dollars worth of Chinese, but I’m not. I am just sitting here on lunch drinking tea and playing with my crystals, typing about nothing. I guess I can live with that.

And I guess with that I will say goodnight to my readers. I have a few hours left of work, took some Tylenol to hopefully help with these cramps. Have a good evening everyone, remember even a day of nothing is better than a day of giving in to bad habits.


A Month Sober

I am feeling a bit better today, a bit more balanced so to say. I am trying to down liquids to help with the bloat. I do not feel as bad this time around actually. I am drinking some apple cider vinegar to help with my tummy. Sigh, who would have thought I would be going through this shit again LOL. Man life can just be a drag. What is funny though is all the blogs I read about recovery was the need to quit drinking in order to recover and I always figured I was above that because I am stubborn and all. Guess I am typical after all. Alcohol is a poison anyways, I do not miss it.

I made some homemade soup today, lots of veggies and wild rice, good for the tummy to get going.

I honestly don’t remember the last time I made a home-made chicken soup with carbs. I am tired of dieting, tired of drinking, tired of bulimia, tired of being tired, tired of feeling sick all the time, tired of dying. Even when I went months without purging I still drank, I drank away many of the thoughts that accompany bulimia rather than dealing with them. I am tired of fitting into the American standard of beauty. Maybe I really am becoming an old hag.

In other news, I am officially a college drop out again, but at least I got my associates this time.

I have not posted my link to my book in awhile. Ever wonder how someone becomes so fucked up? Here ya go. Nah, actually when I read it I just see a girl who whines too much lol. Many people go through trauma, I honestly probably had it pretty easy. Maybe I am just weak minded.

Hockey has started again and we won our first home game. I think the last game was the first game I actually spent completely sober. I enjoyed that. Drunk people annoy me.

I mainly wanted to let people know that I am feeling a bit better today, I think the stones are helping a bit but who knows, maybe its just mental. I will keep them close though. I am finishing up the last of my apple cider drink and than I have to gas up and head to work. I am picking up OT this Saturday. Damn, bulimia is expensive, and it was only a short time I was back at doing it but damn, those manic episodes can be pricey. Oh well, I can’t beat myself up too much over it, what’s done is done, now I just have to work and make money to fix everything and get back on track. Have a good day everyone, the sun is shining here but luckily it’s nice and cool, feels like 45 degrees out, I love it. Goodbye.

Just Existing

Sometime Last Week

Why do I feel like such a failure? I know I am not. Leaving college does not mean I am stupid, it just means it doesn’t work out at this point in my life. Education costs time and money, neither I can afford to give up. I don’t think I was meant for this world. This world in general is overwhelming. I am tired of always fighting and trying to survive. This world is dying. I am tired of politics. I am tired of capitalism.

I suppose I shouldn’t be bitching too much. It’s not like I am in Syria. I don’t understand a lot of the politics in this shitty world but I do feel like thousands or hundreds of thousands of innocent people are going to be slaughtered. I feel like there’s going to be a bad chain of events caused by this president and its going to ripple into the next presidential term, but its going to be the next president that gets to deal with all this shit the current one has caused, but its going to be the next president that is going to have to bear the responsibility. It will be worst if he’s a democrat because all the baby boomers will than talk about how he has ruined the world because Trump was the fucking savior.

Sorry, rant over. I should stay out of politics.

My philosophy teacher whom I loved told me to never stop writing. I sent him an email out of courtesy saying I would not be in class anymore. I will miss his lectures. I am not entirely sure what he means by never stop writing though, I kind of suck at it. I suppose practice makes perfect. He told me I was very interesting and that it means a lot coming from a philosopher. LOL, if only he realized how fucked up I really am and there’s not much interesting, its just broken puzzle pieces taped together hoping for that crack of light to open up and the struggle to finally be over.


I have been feeling off balance lately. I am trying out crystals to help provide balance. I am not sure if they are working or if it’s a placebo effect. I think I am too sensitive. I am starting out with black obsidian and clear quartz stones in my pocket and wearing a amethyst bracelet. It is different but something alternative to try.

So if I go buy September 13-14 as being the last time I drank than today and tomorrow mark a month. I actually think it was the 14th, either way, a month tomorrow. This is also the third day I have not purged. I am starting to remember the uncomfortable bloat and pain in the tummy. I am really hoping it doesn’t last as long as previous times. I don’t even know why it started again, like I have become more accepting over my body and am honestly just exhausted of fighting and trying to always get better, whether it be from bulimia or drinking. Can I say now that its all over? I have never been without either. I might be tired of fighting but it’s all I know also, so I guess I will just keep on fighting till there is no need.

We have just dealt with a random snowstorm that dumped up to 26 inches on our state, we only got about 7 inches I think. The storms have been getting worst. I dreamt of this storm before it happened, I dreamt of a hurricane above North Dakota and that’s pretty much what this one was, just snow. Of course that doesn’t mean anything now that its happened lol, if I would have said something the night I had the dream it would have more meaning. My dreams are coming back, some nights I remember why I was happy to be rid of them, other nights I enjoy them.

Will my mind ever come back? My history? My past? Will any of it ever seem real again? DO I want it to be real? Maybe we don’t really remember memories once they are written down. LOL, maybe I really am going senile.

I should probably get back to work. My life is just very blank right now. I am just doing everything that a good American should be doing, working, paying bills, going to be getting a second job to get ahead in bills, too busy to worry except about making money to keep me off the streets. This if life I suppose. Have a good evening everyone. I have been trying to write something worth while but figure I should post what I have at least. Peace.

Withdrawing from College

I have been listening to a lot of Ayumi Hamasaki lately, k-pop and j-pop in general actually. It reminds me of more simpler times, a bit more innocent and when I had high hopes and dreams for myself. I haven’t listened to much of it since I was in my teens to lower twenties. I felt like I could do anything back than. Like I could accomplish anything I wanted and all my dreams would come true. It’s kind of funny and sickening how naive I was back than. I wanted what any stupid girl wanted, the fairy tale life of meeting the perfect man, falling in love, having an extravagant wedding, having my own home, a man who would love me and buy me presents, and just living happily ever after. Damn how much have I changed. I have learned that most men are just womanizing pigs who cheat, but so are women. I have to make it on my own, there is no man who is there to be a knight in shining armor for me, and honestly if there was it probably wouldn’t work out at this point, I would feel suffocated. I am so far gone from the innocent girl that I was. I imagine it to be like a dog who has been kicked too many times, sure they can love an owner but they are still broken so to say. I can’t be taken care of except by myself.

Well, I think I have made the decision to withdraw from school. I am overwhelmed these days on a constant basis and I honestly don’t know what for. I finished up my associates and that was my main goal, but I have no idea what I want to major in at this point. I am sacrificing work and school for work and school and for what? A degree in Ethics that is pointless on its own? The bank however has many opportunities without degrees. They take pride in teaching people the in’s and out’s and providing them with opportunities to grow without degrees. We have management who don’t have degrees, they have just worked themselves up.

What is sad is I make more than some teachers with degrees in the area and I hear so often people saying their degrees went to waste because they do nothing in the field that they wanted. I wanted to finish up my associates and I did that, I wanted a career where I could grow and I have that, my next goal is to get financially stable and I am on my way there. I could honestly switch school for a part time job and still have more rest at this point because every morning is spent in class where as part time would only be 2-3 mornings a week.

Does it make sense to hurt my career for an education that could be useless, and with the way I am headed, will be? I do not have time for myself and isn’t that where healthy coping mechanisms are found? In myself? I am discovering drawing again and I haven’t drawn in years. I am finding the beauty in music and am seeing the music in my head again and that has been years as well since that has happened. I am wanting to blog more because it is therapeutic for me. I want to spend more time with my pup and kitties. I will probably be able to see my daughter a little bit more too. I want to promote my book more and be that hope for others.

I am not sure how broken I am but I know my mind can only handle so much. I feel like a lot of this disorder is acceptance. I accept that I will always be fighting with myself, I accept that I can never get too excited and happy because than I become off balance and hit a major low, I accept that I will always want to fool myself into wanting drinks in stressful times or to purge, I accept I will not be able to be interested in one subject long enough to make a long term goal out of in terms of education, and I guess now I accept that my mind cannot handle as much as a healthy one.

My life has to have balance. Maybe in the future I will want to go back to school, after a year the bank offers tuition reimbursement, and with that I don’t have to be full time, I could just take a class. I cannot take just a class however with my scholarships, I have to be full time. It was fun though. I am not a failure, I have done my goals, now I need to follow the path that will lead me to success.

I have been having terrible tummy pains after I eat. I am wondering how much of this is because I am trying to stop the purging. I imagine my tummy to be paper thin by this point. I have read that maybe it could be not enough stomach acid to break down food so I am trying an apple cider vinegar mixture to help as I have read that does wonderful things for the tummy. I have been doing fairly well on controlling the purging I guess, I think it will get a lot better now. I have never been able to focus on myself, like I have had goals such as bills and school to achieve, getting a new safe apartment, getting a safe car, having nice clothes and presenting myself well, getting over the drinking and purging, but there has never been that self insight that I have worked on, such as drawing. This life seems so pointless and meaningless but I also don’t have much enjoyments other than hockey and my daughter. Now I can work on developing more.

Well, I suppose that is all I have today. I am pretty tired but have to get going to work soon. It’s kinda a bummer post I suppose but I am also kinda relieved in a way. I don’t do well on lack of sleep. Have a good evening everyone, be good to yourselves.

I Drew Today

I finally had my visions again, it has been years. So now I am drawing a picture for my daughter for her birthday next month.

Am I capable of being content long term or even happy? I know I don’t like my life right now, if I had more money sure and more time to sleep, but I pick up overtime and am exhausted or money goes to bills. I am so lost in this life. I guess it’s normal though, unless someone is born with money or marries someone who makes a lot of money than they are just stuck like me. It’s not often that someone can build themselves up enough to be financially great when they are born into nothing. I had so much determination but now I am just bored of it all and see no end in sight or even any hope for that matter. Sure I love philosophy, but its a worthless major unless paired with something. This life is so pointless, there should be more than this but I feel like capitalism has ruined much of that. Hmm…I am not sure if this is a depression, I do not think so even though it is similar symptoms. I think it is just a normal part of figuring life out while running on little sleep. There’s not really any anxiety lately, nor is there any thoughts of dying, sadness, or anything that would be classified with depression, just a lot of boredom. That boredom though is what gets me, this repetition, I get so bored. I have been debating on applying for a dispatching job but I am trying to ask myself how much am I wanting to switch jobs because I am bored of this repetition and am losing sight of my goals. Hockey will start soon so maybe that will help.

I think its been three weeks now since I drank, I am still not sure lol, it feels like it never existed. I do not think my sense of time will ever return. It’s kinda weird to not have a past, at least not one that I really remember anymore, like I remember but I don’t, I feel like at this point I am just living off memories in my book. I will occasionally have random flash backs but nothing major or important, mainly with scents I think. Otherwise none of it feels like it’s me, I feel like I am reading about someone else. So I don’t have long term memories, I mainly have memories of the past couple years, but those get really messed up in terms of time frames, I mainly remember the good ones with my daughter and her family.

My purging has been a bit shitty, none today though, I am getting past this part, I have to. My tummy has been so fucked up though. I am not sure how much its a bug going around versus trying to keep food down again, well…it cant be worst than the last recover right? Lol.

Has anyone ever heard of sword and scale? I have to say this podcast has definitely made me look at life differently. I have always known humans could be plain evil for obvious reasons but this podcast just brought a whole new meaning. I also like the episodes where abuse victims speak out about their childhood, especially men. Not much is ever heard of male molestations. I have read that the true stats for male molestations could be just as high as female, but females already have a hard time coming out because “all we want is attention” and for males its not just attention, its their “man-hood?” Like men are supposed to want sex and sex makes them a man so I guess its harder to take seriously or something, idk. Anyways, listening to pedophile cannibalism, serial killers, extremely detailed crimes, and any form of non-sexual childhood abuse, it definitely makes me happy I had the childhood I did, granted I shouldn’t be happy about it, but it could have been so much worst. Also I know there is no measure to suffering, but at least I didn’t have my vag cut up.

Well, I have to get going to work, sorry if this seems rushed, I just wanted to give my readers an update. I am trying to get back to blogging. I know it is good therapy. I fight with myself too much and run out of time. Have a good evening everyone. Keep your heads up. šŸ™‚

Doing Better

Hey peeps. It’s been awhile eh? I seem to always leave you hanging, sorry about that. Well, once again I have gone through another change, funny how that is…I blame the BPD. Although I don’t know if it’s actually a change, maybe just a realization. I mean, obviously we know I am an alcoholic, I just realize now how much of one. I have definitely made all the choices of an alcoholic, denial, acceptance, denial, excuses, denial, it’s actually a fairly classic path. I knew it would make the binging and purging come back, and it did. I am very self aware in knowing myself, it’s a gift and curse, it’s like I am always fighting with myself. I can’t really fight about myself with this anymore though. I tried buying small serving bottles of wine to limit myself, I would always drink them all. I tried buying low alcoholic beverages like white claws, I would drink 12 of them. There are no limitations with alcohol, and the funny thing I don’t even enjoy it. I always thought it shut off my brain but it really doesn’t, alternative sources have helped me realize what true relaxation and peace is.

It has been over weeks now I think since I drank. I honestly cannot really remember. I feel like it was around the 14th? My mind sucks, I do not think I will ever get it back. I feel good though. I do not miss it. The purging got bad for a couple days there as I knew it would. That is fairly under control, as in it’s not something I feel the need to do. Funny thing is lately I have actually been liking my body. Like sure I can’t see all my bones anymore but that’s okay, I didn’t like being that skinny. It hurt and was gross. Anyways, I do not have cravings to drink, it is very easy to say no thanks. Turns out I do not like feeling like shit all the time. What is funny is I did not even realize how much shit I felt like until it was all out of my system and than I went back. There is a disdain for who I am on alcohol. I am not brave like I always thought, not more outgoing, not more confident, I was just lonely, stupid, weak, unconfident, I was just masking all my insecurities. It is funny how easy and fast it is to deal with insecurities once you accept that you have them.

School is going fairly good now. I switched up my classes a couple weeks back, lets just say no way am I going into business, it is SO BORING. I am now taking three philosophy classes and a terrorism class. I feel very much at home but I find it ironic that I find a subject that I am finally fully interested in it’s worth practically nothing in terms of a career unless double majored, so now I have to find something else I am interested in. It’s taken ten fricken years to find an interest, so I do not know what exact direction I will be going in from here. Terrorism is fairly interesting but I don’t know what good a degree in political science will do if I don’t want to go into law. There is some fear that nothing will ever suit me since I don’t know who I will be tomorrow.

They say crazy people don’t know they are crazy, but shit, sometimes its knowing that we are is what makes us crazy.

I am still trying to survive financially. I need to stop having manic episodes, like sure I caught the one early on last time but when you live paycheck to paycheck, a few hundred dollar spending spree hurts. I know this is something I will always have, I just hope one day I can afford it. It’s like I have to be able to afford having my mental disorder.

My daughter was pretty pissed at me this weekend. I felt really bad. Friday night she didn’t want much to do with me and Saturday I was trying to play fetch with her with Bailey. She got so mad at me for throwing the ball. I couldn’t understand it and she said she didn’t want me to play with her anymore and to go away and was just screaming at me. I didn’t know a toddler could make me cry lol. When I calmed her down we had a heart to heart, pretty much I think she misses me and doesn’t understand the new change of schedule. I used to be over almost everyday when I worked 7-4 M-F. Now that I work 330-Midnight Sun-Thurs, and am in class M-F mornings, she really doesn’t see me much except for Friday evenings and Saturdays. The Saturday before last was when I had my girls day out with her mom and last Saturday we saw a 4pm showing of IT Part II, so that is pretty much three weeks without time spent together. So yeah, she was pretty pissed off at me, also I think she was really Hangry, but still, it made me realize how close she is to me and needs me around. So next Saturday I am not doing any OT (I have also been picking up hours the past couple weeks for OT on Saturday mornings) and am making it all about her. I will also try to FaceTime her a couple evenings a week on break at work. I have to do better and show her that she is still my heart.

Life is hard, life is a struggle of fuckery hell for some of us, I am an alcoholic but I also realize this so I can fix it. I am smart and a college student, I am poor bitch though. I don’t know, life is life.

I had better get to class, have a good day everyone, be good to yourselves. šŸ™‚ Peace.


I am very disappointed in myself these days. I know I am so much better than what I am and can achieve anything so why do I have to be so human? Obviously because I am human but still. I know drinking and binging feed on each other, IĀ  also know when I don’t get enough sleep I make piss pour decisions. With school, work, and spending time with my daughter I have a very tight window for adequate sleep, except I have been tired since before school started when I got really sick. So here I sit, reminiscing on manic spending (I mean, it was food so I will be stocked up for a while), a tad bit hungover (six beers can bring me down these days), raw gums (since hey, purging is familiar and comfortable) while drinking my coffee, refiguring out finances, trying to stay caught up on homework, all while telling myself I am too old for this shit and I seriously just need to learn to go to fucking bed.

I am too old for this shit and honestly have too much going for me to be playing this game with my other self or however we want to refer to her. I don’t know, maybe just the bitch lol. Seriously though, I love my life and am proud of everything that I have, I am too exhausted to fall, I have worked hard for what I have. Gawd damnit, when will this stupid BPD go away?

Well, that is my ranting, great way to give a heads up on how I am doing. I have chili boiling, am about to shower and get ready for work. I am just so disappointed in myself and who better to tell than the world? I don’t want to worry my best friend because I know this is just a damn fluke I have to get past, there is no room for failure, just occasional setbacks and this is one of them. Sigh, be good to yourself, I am trying. I am just giving myself the space to grow and not putting too much stress on myself. I always figure it out. What is funny is I am not even depressed, this is all just unnecessary habit.