Absolutely Nothing

I have been asked to write more about how I feel in the moment rather than always the past.  Presently I feel like a bipolar mother fucking princess of a land of bitches whom I have destroyed because they pissed me off by being bitches....  The Extremes of My Mind I saw a picture of… Continue reading Absolutely Nothing

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Day 15

I have had nightmares and vivid dreams for as long as I can remember. When I was a year old we lived in a little house in Anchorage. I recall dreaming about blood in a bathtub underneath the house in a shelter area. I was never allowed down there but when I asked my parents… Continue reading Day 15

Fluke

I have been contemplating going back to college to finish up my associates degree. I am a few classes away from obtaining it so I am weighing the pros and cons. I was going for Biology and Microbiology but flunked/dropped out because I was with an abusive ex (yes, stupid, and it was honestly toxic… Continue reading Fluke

Firsts

The first time I purged was as typical as any other first self-vomiting. I did it because I needed to feel in control of the chaos surrounding my life. It was an exhilarating feeling. It was actually pretty hard to do and hurt a bit but I felt a short lived high. It happened only a few times that… Continue reading Firsts

Short & Sweet

I almost forgot how bad a full blown anxiety attack can feel and last night was not the worst one I've ever felt either. Alas I am still happy my daughters mom came over to hold me through the worst of it. I do not remember all of it except the pain and coldness. My… Continue reading Short & Sweet

Alone

I was always the loser in school. Whether is was various villages when a kid or going to school in North Dakota, I was always the different one. When younger I still had a few friends but once  I moved to Nodak I really didn't have any. I was fat and ugly when I first moved down… Continue reading Alone

Baby-Steps

I felt a bit of hopelessness when I heard Demi Lovato overdosed on heroin. It is sad to think that someone who has access to the top of the arch treatment facilities and had been sober six years can relapse. I can only imagine the emptiness and failure she felt with her first hangover after… Continue reading Baby-Steps