I have been asked to write more about how I feel in the moment rather than always the past. Presently I feel like a bipolar mother fucking princess of a land of bitches whom I have destroyed because they pissed me off by being bitches….
The Extremes of My Mind
I saw a picture of ferrets for sale, thought “awwww they are so cute!” Then I thought about someone buying them and letting them go free thus causing them to become roadkill. That make me think about a statistic I read about owners not being in the room when they put their dogs down and the pups last memories are frantically looking around for their owners and dying alone, thus in turn made me think about my daughters parents dying and my daughter being afraid which caused me anxiety.
Work has been very stressful lately. The real world is a game I can never figure out. The post office I knew how to play, this job I feel like I can be fired at any time since I live in a right to work state. I feel like I am screaming inside most days and just need a break from this area. I am very surprised I was able to stay sober last week none the less yesterday. I am not sure why I am even trying to. I have always had physical jobs, now I have a job that is all mental. Most days I am ready to leave with all the bullshit that is going on but its honestly the best I can find around here that will work well with going back to school. If I didn’t have that going for me than I probably would be looking elsewhere or a different department, but we are growing so rapidly there is shit in every area right now. I at least know with where I am at I can always get off on time for evening classes if need be.
My body aches from my run yesterday, it is a good pain though. I am eating meats and veggies. I purged once yesterday, so pretty good? I am trying to down a lot of of salads and fresh veggies to get my digestive system going. I have not been sleeping well at all.
I am exhausted and see very little point to even try at anything right now. This job is really taking a lot out of me right now. I feel so off balance lately.
There is really no point at all to this blog. I was asked to write about what I feel so I did. When I say I am all over the place thats exactly what goes on inside, there is no cause or point. There is no satisfaction, only breathing. I am existing with exhaustion and extremes and very little sense.
I have had nightmares and vivid dreams for as long as I can remember. When I was a year old we lived in a little house in Anchorage. I recall dreaming about blood in a bathtub underneath the house in a shelter area. I was never allowed down there but when I asked my parents about it after I was grown they did say that there was a bathtub but no blood. This house was in a pretty bad area so who knows what the past held. I had many dreams in that house that scared me, this was before we moved to the first village where the abuse from numerous guys happened. My long term memory has always been just as vivid. In that same house I tried picking a rose in a small garden in the back and hurt my hand. I remember going to my dad and holding out my hand but not being able to talk to tell him it hurt. He couldn’t see anything wrong and I was getting frustrated so I took him out back and showed him the rose and he explained to me what thorns were. I caught a moth in the backyard with a birdie and tore his wings off, I still feel bad for that one. All my memories of that time are very white and florescent, even the dreams. I have really shitty short-term memory however.
I am pretty set on Psychology for a degree if I go back to school. I have to pay back the college a bit more so will not be able to attend the fall semester. That is okay I guess, I am going to be skydiving August 17th if I don’t chicken out and its hopefully going to get busy at work, plus hockey season will be here before I know it.
I am feeling all over the place this morning, I did not sleep well at all. I did not have any of my night time tea, maybe I should have. I went for a run while walking Bailey today, it felt nice but I am very out of shape. This weekend was a rough one for the b/p. I feel okay eating wise today. I will be as good as I can to myself. I am downing as much water as I can to get rid of all the bloat I retained from eating so much junk. I am starting to wonder how many booze hangovers I was feeling vs food hangovers. I am sure I felt both quite equally but it is easier dealing with one then both. I am thinking the next step for recovery is about here and that is where I keep down all the food I eat.
I do not feel like I am saying much at all these days, I have a very foggy mind and numbing emotions. I am thinking that is my mind trying to repress memories rather than deal with them. I have a lot of small flashbacks that come out of nowhere. I will not fight them but I will not force them either. I figure the best that can happen is I blog my recovery or the worst that can happen is I blog my downward spiral out of control, in turn hopefully causing people to understand the long term damage evil assholes create. I am really hoping for the best and blogging seems to help. As always, be good to yourself, its a new week.
I have been contemplating going back to college to finish up my associates degree. I am a few classes away from obtaining it so I am weighing the pros and cons. I was going for Biology and Microbiology but flunked/dropped out because I was with an abusive ex (yes, stupid, and it was honestly toxic on both ends). With the work I am in right now a degree in the biology field would move me up to another department with higher pay. I have to weigh the options on if I want to take on more debt till I can hopefully receive grants and if I can afford to pay for the first few classes out of pocket till that happens. I need to raise my GPA to qualify for anything since I was stupid and didn’t withdraw from classes. Oh what a difference five years makes in realizing how stupid one has been. I have also been thinking about maybe English since I do enjoy to write and read. However I am very picky on what I read and if I can’t get into a book than I am literally rereading the same paragraph repeatedly and never comprehending what I am looking at. My daughters mom did assure me that this could easily change with practice. I do have a lot of stories in my head that I am positive I could be somewhat successful with in writing, I just do not have the skills other than basics. The con of an English degree is there is no need to retake my science classes and those stay on my record as failing. I will not start until the spring semester if I do so there is time, but I feel it’s a necessary step to feeling more of what I am worth.
I have been b/p too much lately. I am wondering if I am trying to replace the drinking with the eating disorder. Yesterday started out well but then we went to McDonalds after the zoo, come to find out McDonalds discontinued their salads for the time being so of course I ordered something deep fried. That, of course, ruined all of my healthy choices I was trying to make. I also started feeling anxiety because there was a fighter jet show going on in town and they freak me out. Nothing good for my health happened the remainder of the day in terms of my b/p. I woke up today feeling the repercussions of it all. Today is a new day and the start of a new week so all I can do is hope for the best. I will be seeing a movie with my daughters mom today and then go out to dinner/lunch with her afterwards. I chose a restaurant that I know has fresh roasted meat and salad. Yesterday threw me off and was a fluke. I started off today with a breakfast I am happy with. I feel very bloated and puffy today. The best I can do is drink a lot of water at this point, two steps forward, one step back…maybe three. Well, good day to you all and be better to yourself than I am to myself right now.
The first time I purged was as typical as any other first self-vomiting. I did it because I needed to feel in control of the chaos surrounding my life. It was an exhilarating feeling. It was actually pretty hard to do and hurt a bit but I felt a short lived high. It happened only a few times that summer, probably less than five, but I quickly found it to be a strange comfort.
My senior year was rough. All the friends I finally made at the end of the previous school year had nothing to do with me since they thought I had ditched them all summer, teenage girls don’t really think outside of their bubble and they wouldn’t listen to what all was happening. Once again I started another school year shunned. I spent a lot of the time in the library until I made a couple new friends. One whom was really sweet and another who was the school slut…guess who I became better “friends” with? She didn’t really have anything to do with me at school, that is when I would hang with the nice girl. However the slutty girl always became my best friend when I had money and I would buy her things like the stupid naïve girl I was. She took advantage of the need I felt to fit in somewhere. I spent a lot of that year getting C’s or lower when I had previously been almost a straight A student. I slept through a lot of classes because I would be out all night. I don’t think my parents fully knew how to handle me since they hadn’t been involved in my life the past three years and my relationship had been fairly strained when I moved away the first time. The part of that year that fully triggered my eating disorder was later in the second semester when the wonderful army recruiters came. I, like so many others, fell for the romance of war, so I went to join. I was not overly heavy by my senior year, roughly 155ish and I had joined body building classes for my gym electives so I was fairly muscular. Unfortunately I had boobs and hips and have always had a rectangular body shape, so I was declared too fat to join. Thus my recruiters put me on a salad and broth diet and the good old Preparation H wrap. I would get weighed every other day in hopes that by the next MEPS session I could make it. I was still underage so had some time. Then came the wonderful diet pills because my body shape still wasn’t fitting the numbers, even though my ribs could easily be seen. As if getting weighed repeatedly and told I was too fat wasn’t enough for a young teen girl to deal with, one of the recruiters took a fancy to me and invited me over one night. It was actually my slutty friend who drove me. Of course he slept with me as every asshole seems to have no problem doing. He was also the first one I slept with by choice. I left there happy and in love and the next day he told me he was engaged and he couldn’t talk to me anymore. This happened around April-May, the rest of the school year I barely ate and exercised a lot. I kept taking the diet pills. I barely passed my senior year and missed over half the last month of school. How I never got into drugs at this point I don’t know, they were readily available with the people I was hanging out with. I think I still had hope I would join the army and fly away. Ironically when I finally reached the measurements I was supposed to be at I experienced my second full blown anxiety attack. I ended up running to Wyoming where my parents were since my dad had to join the rigs and I never did join.
I feel decent today. I ate a low carb breakfast and went for a long walk with Bailey. I slept all night without any sweet dreams tea. I have a busy day today which is good. I am going to the zoo with my daughters parents. I had my hair cut yesterday and I love it. Walmart Smart Style salons always have the best hair stylists I think. I am being good to myself today. I do not have much time left to write but I wanted to give another piece of my past to my followers. It is not much but its a shard of my broken mirror. Happy Saturday, as always be good to yourself.
I almost forgot how bad a full blown anxiety attack can feel and last night was not the worst one I’ve ever felt either. Alas I am still happy my daughters mom came over to hold me through the worst of it. I do not remember all of it except the pain and coldness. My first attack happened a little before my 17th birthday, when my brother and his wife were going through their divorce and my soon to be ex-sister-in-law kicked me out. I ended up crashing at my brothers new apartment for a few weeks. I remember watching the X-Files, as I had done so many times before, it was one of my favorite series at the time. Out of nowhere I was overcome with dread and paranoia. Thoughts of my family dying and the world ending raced through my head. I sat in the bathroom and cried for hours. I couldn’t breathe. That lasted almost three days beginning to end. I’ve had them occasionally since then, normally when stressed. I haven’t dealt with any for a long while now, I have always drank them away. Maybe not away but to a point I don’t feel the full effects. Ironically this morning I woke up feeling pretty good emotionally and mentally. Physically wise I still feel the effects of the b/p. Thankfully its Friday.
I do not have much to say in this post. I am trying to take it easy on myself today. I am feeling normal again. I apologize for being in a really depressed state of mind, I need to do some self exploring to pinpoint the trigger. Normally when I would feel anxiety creeping up I would blame it on a heavy night of drinking but I have been sober 12 days now. Sadly my way of coping with the anxiety was drinking more, makes sense right? It has been a very stressful week, thats for sure (trigger?) but I feel like I can breath again. I have the energy to call around places for martial arts, I think self defense and exercise will do me well. I also think I will be getting my hair done, I do not really remember the last time I had my hair professionally colored. It will be good for me to pamper myself a little. So I will end this on a hopeful and sweet note, I have energy back again and have the strength to kick the bad thoughts out. I will be good to myself today and this weekend, I want you to be too. You just need to breath.
I was always the loser in school. Whether is was various villages when a kid or going to school in North Dakota, I was always the different one. When younger I still had a few friends but once I moved to Nodak I really didn’t have any. I was fat and ugly when I first moved down here. Spending five years in a certain village with nothing to do but eat junk food and play video games left me disgusting. I was picked on a lot, kids are cruel. I would say the heaviest I was must have been around at 250 mark. When I started high school I had too much anxiety to go to the lunch room so I often sat in a quiet place and didn’t eat at school.I lost a lot of weight and people started telling me how good I looked. When I look back, that is probably the drop that started the ripple effect for the eating disorder.
Ironically when I look up the ones that teased me the worst, most of them are nothing to really look at now and are divorced or single with different baby daddies selling make-up. Its funny in a way that I risked ruining so much of myself to live up to the standards of people who would eventually become nothing after they didn’t have their cheerleading costume or what not on.
I really wanted a drink after work last night. It was one of those mentally exhausting days that had so much bullshit mixed in that when I made it home I was ready to take my bra off and pour a glass of wine. I would like to be at the point in my recovery where I can do that, but for the time being I cant. I took Bailey to the park instead. I had anxiety for a while which had a bad depression accompany it right after, thus causing me to b/p. It is always easy to be strong the night before I go to bed. I tell myself I will be stronger the next day after a full nights rest, it rarely happens.
I did not sleep well at all, I woke up numerous times during the night in a cold sweat. I had a full eight hours of sleep but I feel very hazy today. I am ready for a weekend. I am not doing much for myself today other than making it through the day. Theres a big part of me that doesn’t even really care about the recovery today. I hope I am on the end of this mood because right now I feel suffocated by life.
I am not trying to sound overly depressed or like I am seeking attention. I am just writing what I feel because maybe someone will read it who is going through the same thing and will realize its only normal. My mind still has a lot of recovering to do. Not everyday will be a good day and that goes for everyone.
I felt a bit of hopelessness when I heard Demi Lovato overdosed on heroin. It is sad to think that someone who has access to the top of the arch treatment facilities and had been sober six years can relapse. I can only imagine the emptiness and failure she felt with her first hangover after that length of time. I am sure she told herself it was just one time and she will be fine in the future. It is a lie we all tell ourselves. The last time I was doing well and relapsed, I told myself one purge will not hurt, it’s just to relieve some of the discomfort, it is helping me. I have always been the greatest trickster to myself. Since then it has been the same old roller coaster the past year. I lost my sense of identity earlier this year. I am pretty sure I was trying to drink myself to the grave. There were days I could feel death near. I have been to many therapists over the years. I have actually been told that the trauma that happened wasn’t real and that its very rare for the extent of abuse to happen. Funnily if one were to look up the statistics of abuse in Alaskan villages it says otherwise. What makes those statistics worst is many of the children don’t speak up . I knew many classmates who had the same things going on but how can they speak against family members? Especially when the villages are thousands of miles away from any sort of first world civilization. And thus why I know many kids who grew up to kill themselves, if anything, develop major substance abuse problems.
Somehow my teeth are actually pretty healthy. I told the dentist about the B/P, she said the wear is not that bad. There is decay on the insides of my teeth so she gave me some prescription toothpaste that has five (?) times the amount of fluoride as a regular toothpaste and it will help replenish minerals on my teeth. I do have quite a few cavities, one will require a root canal that I will have done in September. That alone will max out my insurance for this year so than I will have the crown and other cavities fixed in January. There was little trace that I was an avid smoker for five years, I quit that a couple years ago. My gum lines tested really well. I am very lucky. I would often rinse after purging, I don’t know if that helped save my teeth. She said that she has seen real bad damage after just a year. It could be genetics as well, some people have stronger acidity in their saliva so it cleans their mouths better.
I feel the same tiredness I normally feel when I wake up but as usual I am sure once I have my tea I will feel better. My mind is fairly clear today. It will be a busy day at work so that will help to keep my mind straight.
I have not been as good to myself as I deserve. I tell myself daily that will change, and it will, I just have to give myself time. I can’t expect to be healed in ten days, nor should I put that pressure on myself. And honestly, with the amount of self-destruction I have done to myself, I am pretty content with how far I have come in just ten days. I have not developed any new destructive decisions to replace the ones I am working on and that actually means a lot. I am keeping at least three nutritious meals down a day so I know I am at least getting nutrients, as well as what comes from my vitamins. I would say the B/P is still around 10-15% of what it was. I just need to take one step at a time.
What I am Doing for Myself
Today is Baileys date night with his friends so I am excited to take him to that. I have found a couple self defense gyms near me so I will call on those today to see what best suites me. My main focus today will be keeping all my food down and to drink plenty of water. I would still like to read a bit tonight also. Yesterday I went on a cleaning spree with my apartment so it will be relaxing to slip into my robe with a candle while reading a Stephan King book.
I would like to add that if someone visits my blog for advice I would rather them see it as a guideline and not a set in stone way of healing. I could fall at any time. Everyone needs their own confidence and strength.