A Little About Me
I suppose if I were to want people to have an idea of who I am at I should introduce myself some. We will call me Kitten, a nickname of mine is Kat, but Kitten seems more me. I am soon to be 28 this Friday. I am thinking this will be my first birthday in a decade I will be sober. This is hard considering we live in a very booze consumed world. Have a problem? Have a whiskey. On a romantic date? Have some wine. Going out with the girls? Long island and margaritas for everyone! Enjoying the game? Beers are 2 for $5. It’s your birthday? FREE DRINKS! I wish I could add up the amount of money I have spent on booze alone since turning 21. You can fill each of those answers with food as well. There is always food for any type of occasion or emotion. Want to lose weight? Here’s some salad. Feeling emotional because you can’t lose weight? Its ok, here’s a coupon to go eat out with the girls and gossip, it will make you feel better! Still can’t lose weight? Here’s a diet pill, no exercise needed. Aside from the point, my birthday shall be interesting, but I realize that in order to cure my eating disorder this is a necessary step to take. Back to me though. I work for one of the leading companies of immune therapy research, I am just a little guy but play a pretty significant roll and am very proud of my job. Its a rarity that one such as me could find a job that has great pay along with amazing benefits, M-F 7-4. I love it and take my job very seriously. I have a dog named Bailey and two cats named Fat Louie and Mr. Cooper. I live on my own, I have never done well with roommates. I am #4 out of 5 siblings. My parents have been married for probably 40 years now, I don’t keep track of dates. I live in crappy North Dakota, have lived all around the state. Its not for me, but there is a good possibility I will end up in Maine someday. I miss the ocean and the mountains but Alaska is way too expensive to live and honestly holds too many bad memories for me. I keep my friends close but there are not many. I have a daughter whom I put up for adoption a couple years ago but I am very close to her and her parents are my best friends. All in all, life is decent other than I live in a really shitty neighborhood. I think the best way to describe myself is an old hag stuck in a 28 year old body who looks 18.
One would think with my disorder that I am another spoiled millennial, after all, why would someone purposely make themselves hungry if they had ever known hunger? It is honestly a very mind fucked state of existing since hunger is something even years later, I am still afraid of.
I went for a longer walk this morning with Bailey. The fresh cool breeze smelled amazing and felt great on my face. I spent a majority of yesterday feeling like I had been hit by a bus. The first few hours went by ok but by noon I felt I could sleep for days. I was in bed by 9 last night. A normal bedtime for me is midnight to 2am. I had some of the worst nightmares last night to the point I woke myself up from screaming. When I would wake up I would have this feeling of pressure in the back of my head, it was as if my mind was still sleeping but I was awake.
A Circle I Cant Escape
I should point out that a light night of drinking for me could easily be a bottle of wine or five 8% IPAs. That also depended on how much I binged/purged since obviously I would get rid of some of the alcohol I was drinking as well, in turn drinking more. Drinking more however let to a greater hangover which let to greasy junk food the following day which led to purging, or I would be too sick to eat anything all day and then by dinner time I would be so hungry to the point of binging. We can see how this is like a revolving chain and the sick thing is that both the food and the alcohol comfort each other and block emotions. In this world that should be okay, after all, aren’t we supposed to mask any feeling we have?
Guilt (but trying to be good to myself)
I think its best I do not go into detail of what I ate yesterday. If I were to say I did not purge in the past 24 hrs I would be lying and I will not lie to readers. However if there are readers who are looking for advice to recover, the last thing I should do is by listing foods that can trigger. But as long as you are keeping meals down willingly you are on the right track. Believe me, this is not an easy habit to break. It takes time.
Fat Louie (Grey) & Mr. Cooper (Bengal Tiger looking asshole *ahem* LOVELY kitty)