A little girl, barely 3 years old now, sits and cowers behind a sofa. The man is using the bathroom. She knows what he will do for he has done it many times. He comes out and calls for her. She pretends to play hide and seek, maybe, just maybe, she can make him not want to. She laughs when he finds her so he won’t be mad, after all, she is only playing a game. Regardless, he has found her and the rest is as animals do. Something stands out this time while he is on her, a silver toy gun with an orange tip. She wishes for it to be real so she can kill him, she just wants him to stop, but alas he doesn’t and won’t, not for a long time, so into her happy place she drifts to. As always, he finishes and looks out the window waiting for his wife to get back from an errand. And as always, he tells her how angry her parents would be at her so into the corner she crawls.
I was not as good to myself as I was hoping for. There is no satisfaction with the purging none the less binging. In fact I can barely stand the taste of sugar at times nor the salty junk I binge on. It is all habit. I like fresh food. The eating disorder has been my worst and best friend for almost a decade. It hasnt been until the past year things have changed. I have to break the ties with it.
I feel tired but that seems pretty standard to wake up as lately. I am thinking the B/P is the cause seems how I go to bed early. I am sure after my tea I will feel better. I have my dentist appointment today. Still not to excited for that but it is the next self-care step I can take for myself. I have been brushing my teeth with a sensitive toothpaste and have been using ACT mouthwash. My teeth have felt a lot better.
I have no desire to drink nor to b/p. I am able to feel a flashback coming and can access it on my own terms. The way I see myself today could be better. After these flashbacks I sometimes see myself as untouchable/unloveable. Not because a warmth and caring touch wouldn’t be welcomed, but because I see myself as so ruined and disgusting. These thoughts are toxic and I have to tell them they are wrong.
What I’m Doing for Myself
I will look around at different martial arts/self defense schools today. It should be a steady day at work. I promise myself I will not b/p, there is no need to. I will eat fresh nutritious food and go for a nice walk with Bailey tonight.
I am sorry if I cause anyone triggers. I see a lot of flash backs happening in the future. It is not just for my sake but hopefully to remind other parents there is evil out there. As always, be good to yourself today. Treat yourself to something positive for your mind and body.