I was always the loser in school. Whether is was various villages when a kid or going to school in North Dakota, I was always the different one. When younger I still had a few friends but once  I moved to Nodak I really didn’t have any. I was fat and ugly when I first moved down here. Spending five years in a certain village with nothing to do but eat junk food and play video games left me disgusting. I was picked on a lot, kids are cruel. I would say the heaviest I was must have been around at 250 mark. When I started high school I had too much anxiety to go to the lunch room so I often sat in a quiet place and didn’t eat at school.I lost a lot of weight and people started telling me how good I looked. When I look back, that is probably the drop that started the ripple effect for the eating disorder.

Ironically when I look up the ones that teased me the worst, most of them are nothing to really look at now and are divorced or single with different baby daddies selling make-up. Its funny in a way that I risked ruining so much of myself to live up to the standards of people who would eventually become nothing after they didn’t have their cheerleading costume or what not on.

I really wanted a drink after work last night. It was one of those mentally exhausting days that had so much bullshit mixed in that when I made it home I was ready to take my bra off and pour a glass of wine. I would like to be at the point in my recovery where I can do that, but for the time being I cant. I took Bailey to the park instead. I had anxiety for a while which had a bad depression accompany it right after, thus causing me to b/p. It is always easy to be strong the night before  I go to bed. I tell myself I will be stronger the next day after a full nights rest, it rarely happens.

I did not sleep well at all, I woke up numerous times during the night in a cold sweat. I had a full eight hours of sleep but I feel very hazy today. I am ready for a weekend. I am not doing much for myself today other than making it through the day. Theres a big part of me that doesn’t even really care about the recovery today. I hope I am on the end of this mood because right now I feel suffocated by life.

I am not trying to sound overly depressed or like I am seeking attention. I am just writing what I feel because maybe someone will read it who is going through the same thing and will realize its only normal. My mind still has a lot of recovering to do. Not everyday will be a good day and that goes for everyone.


Bailey last night