I have had nightmares and vivid dreams for as long as I can remember. When I was a year old we lived in a little house in Anchorage. I recall dreaming about blood in a bathtub underneath the house in a shelter area. I was never allowed down there but when I asked my parents about it after I was grown they did say that there was a bathtub but no blood. This house was in a pretty bad area so who knows what the past held. I had many dreams in that house that scared me, this was before we moved to the first village where the abuse from numerous guys happened. My long term memory has always been just as vivid. In that same house I tried picking a rose in a small garden in the back and hurt my hand. I remember going to my dad and holding out my hand but not being able to talk to tell him it hurt. He couldn’t see anything wrong and I was getting frustrated so I took him out back and showed him the rose and he explained to me what thorns were. I caught a moth in the backyard with a birdie and tore his wings off, I still feel bad for that one. All my memories of that time are very white and florescent, even the dreams. I have really shitty short-term memory however.
I am pretty set on Psychology for a degree if I go back to school. I have to pay back the college a bit more so will not be able to attend the fall semester. That is okay I guess, I am going to be skydiving August 17th if I don’t chicken out and its hopefully going to get busy at work, plus hockey season will be here before I know it.
I am feeling all over the place this morning, I did not sleep well at all. I did not have any of my night time tea, maybe I should have. I went for a run while walking Bailey today, it felt nice but I am very out of shape. This weekend was a rough one for the b/p. I feel okay eating wise today. I will be as good as I can to myself. I am downing as much water as I can to get rid of all the bloat I retained from eating so much junk. I am starting to wonder how many booze hangovers I was feeling vs food hangovers. I am sure I felt both quite equally but it is easier dealing with one then both. I am thinking the next step for recovery is about here and that is where I keep down all the food I eat.
I do not feel like I am saying much at all these days, I have a very foggy mind and numbing emotions. I am thinking that is my mind trying to repress memories rather than deal with them. I have a lot of small flashbacks that come out of nowhere. I will not fight them but I will not force them either. I figure the best that can happen is I blog my recovery or the worst that can happen is I blog my downward spiral out of control, in turn hopefully causing people to understand the long term damage evil assholes create. I am really hoping for the best and blogging seems to help. As always, be good to yourself, its a new week.