A little girl, barely 3 years old now, sits and cowers behind a sofa. The man is using the bathroom. She knows what he will do for he has done it many times. He comes out and calls for her. She pretends to play hide and seek, maybe, just maybe, she can make him not want to. She laughs when he finds her so he won’t be mad, after all, she is only playing a game. Regardless, he has found her and the rest is as animals do. Something stands out this time while he is on her, a silver toy gun with an orange tip. She wishes for it to be real so she can kill him, she just wants him to stop, but alas he doesn’t and won’t, not for a long time, so into her happy place she drifts to. As always, he finishes and looks out the window waiting for his wife to get back from an errand. And as always, he tells her how angry her parents would be at her so into the corner she crawls.
I was not as good to myself as I was hoping for. There is no satisfaction with the purging none the less binging. In fact I can barely stand the taste of sugar at times nor the salty junk I binge on. It is all habit. I like fresh food. The eating disorder has been my worst and best friend for almost a decade. It hasnt been until the past year things have changed. I have to break the ties with it.
I feel tired but that seems pretty standard to wake up as lately. I am thinking the B/P is the cause seems how I go to bed early. I am sure after my tea I will feel better. I have my dentist appointment today. Still not to excited for that but it is the next self-care step I can take for myself. I have been brushing my teeth with a sensitive toothpaste and have been using ACT mouthwash. My teeth have felt a lot better.
I have no desire to drink nor to b/p. I am able to feel a flashback coming and can access it on my own terms. The way I see myself today could be better. After these flashbacks I sometimes see myself as untouchable/unloveable. Not because a warmth and caring touch wouldn’t be welcomed, but because I see myself as so ruined and disgusting. These thoughts are toxic and I have to tell them they are wrong.
What I’m Doing for Myself
I will look around at different martial arts/self defense schools today. It should be a steady day at work. I promise myself I will not b/p, there is no need to. I will eat fresh nutritious food and go for a nice walk with Bailey tonight.
I am sorry if I cause anyone triggers. I see a lot of flash backs happening in the future. It is not just for my sake but hopefully to remind other parents there is evil out there. As always, be good to yourself today. Treat yourself to something positive for your mind and body.
I have always felt in the way and that nothing I do is right. The few times I have felt I’ve done something decent have always involved a sacrifice of myself. As a kid if I was unable to figure something out it would frustrate my parents, in turn I would break down crying. They did not understand why I did and I know it caused them problems. I am not sure I fully understood at the time. I never did tell them that I was being abused. I was told to stay quiet otherwise my parents would be angry at me. No child wants to disappoint their parents. Because of this, I cannot stand when I hear a mother tell their child “just wait till daddy gets home,” or vice versa. It places an automatic fear against a parent. I have occasionally wondered if I had never been threatened with such a saying if I would have spoken up about what was happening to me. Alas, however, I just sat down and cried. Repercussions were worst, I could never sit still and was always anxious so I was placed on meds for ADHD. Pill after pill after pill, nothing could work and what “worked” put me in such a cloudy haze and kept me from accessing my safe place. Back then doctors answers to everything involved a pill. Psychology was still in the beginning stages, not as it is now where medication is a last resort. My parents never expected much of me, my little sister has always been the smart one. All I can do is shrug now because I know better but you can only change a parents mind so much. I often feel they are just waiting for me to fall again but I won’t.
It is sad to think that I was my daughters age when I was introduced to the evil of this world
There was a numbness I felt this morning, I often feel it creeping up when I think about my past. I had dreams last night but nothing too extreme. I feel the end coming to my B/P. I am just taking the days as they come and doing my best to breath. I can always sense when changes are about to happen with me. This also is what helps me to sense mood shifts in others. The downside of that is I always blame any negative moods of others on myself. I would like to think I am getting better at this but half of the time I am not sure.
Now that I have had some green tea I feel fairly energized today. I still have not gained my full physical energy back but I am getting there. Once I stop the B/P I will feel even better. In the past a lot of vegetables helped get my digestive system regular faster so that will be a majority of what I eat this week. I may possibly add in some greek yogurt also.
I am honestly not sure what my full energy level is like. I have been B/P since I was 16 and started partying a lot after turning 21. The only time I was sober was when I was pregnant with my daughter but when pregnant no way was I at a normal energy level, especially since I was walking 10-20 miles a day delivering mail.
I will leave with a note that I feel stronger today. I am trying the best I can. I promise I will be good to myself today. Tonight I plan on donating and than going for a nice walk with Bailey. I will have a nice big gourmet salad for dinner while reading a book. As always, be good to yourself also.
Turns out a good binging and purging session can have similar side effects of a hangover.
Something strange happened yesterday that really made me think of why I binge/purge. I ate a breakfast I was satisfied with and felt great. I went to donate plasma and even bought a new pair of shoes to celebrate me not spending that money on going out to party for my birthday. My daughters mom even treated me to a pedicure. So far this day looks awesome from the outside. Inside my head however was a little different.I felt a swarm of anxiety while buying my shoes and felt very negatively about myself. After my pedicure, however, I felt amazing! I wasn’t even hungry, but I wanted to binge and purge, so I did.
While typing this I think I may have figured out what was going on behind the scenes of my thinking. The anxiety I felt while shopping may have stemmed from before when I would always shop while in a manic episode. I have taken control of these shopping sprees by just never going. By never going shopping, however, I do not really have the clothing I feel good in. So this way of handling probably is not the best. I should point out that while I did not go out shopping for myself, I still bought plenty of liquor. I beat my mind on this one. I told myself that in the past I would just be using this money to buy booze anyways. This is just healthier splurge because I will go walking in them and feel good about myself.
I have also come up with a theory about the B/P. My life has always been chaos and fighting for survival. While younger I had no control over any of it, as I became older I can see where I caused problems for myself. Many of the decisions I made stemmed from past trauma I never came to terms with. Now that my life is stable and I have accepted much of what has happened, NOT FORGET, but accept, the B/P has become one of the last few strings I am holding onto. Negativeness is still comforting to me in a wierd sense because I have never lived without something bad. Whether it be abuse, work, or family, life has never just settled down for me until now. I am thinking this eating disorder may have to go out the door sooner than anticipated.
I have not heard anything from my friend who was coming to visit today so I will go spend some time with my daughter and her family if I dont hear anything by noon. I feel okay today. My mind needs a good hot shower to clear the hazy hungover feeling. Bailey and I went for a power walk this morning. I am trying to push any bad feelings aside and blogging seems to help. A week ago I decided to take this challege, and although it was meant to be a month of sobriety to cure my bulimia, I feel it is stemming into something different. I will end with something I say a lot but not enough to myself, BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.
A week ago my focus was to document recovery from my eating disorder. To my amusement it has been about recovery from alcohol instead. I know I have said before they come hand in hand, but my goal was to be a guide to others with eating disorders. I am sure however there are many like me who have just as many problems (?) if not more, so if anything, I hope they can look to me to show that with steps they can heal also.
Today will be short and sweet as I have a busy day planned, but wanted to document how I am doing. My birthday did not go as planned but I really enjoyed it. The friend whom I was going to go out with had some family troubles so we will spend Sunday together. My daughters parents took me out to Red Lobster. My daughter and I both had crazy hyper sugar rushes from a sundae. Today I will go and play video and board games with them . It was very low key which is the way I like it. Also, first birthday sober in a decade successful.
Today my emotions feel stable. My thoughts are still a bit chaotic but I feel in control. I still feel a haze but not detached. I do not feel so angry or emotional. Physically wise I feel well. If someone were to ask me how I am today and I respond, “I’m ok,” it would be an honest answer for once.
I know I shouldn’t count the days of sobriety but today is six. I took a before sobriety picture day one and a picture last night before I went out to eat and its interesting how much brighter my eyes are none the less skin. My face does not look so bloated and my eyes not so puffy. A week ago I was waking up after 11am hungover, drinking a mimosa to get straight enough to go visit my friends. Today I am having a cup of green tea while breakfast is cooking and have already showered and taken Bailey for a 45 minute walk, it is 930 am.
I have decided the best diet for me will be low carb for the time being. However, I will not be so obsessed with counting carbs as just making sure I am eating a lot of vegetables. I am thinking about a month of this and then gradually add healthy carbs. Sobriety is still my focus this coming month. If I know I feel better on a meat, veggie, and cheese diet than that is what my only focus will be on eating wise. The hard part of getting sober will be happening next for me and that is where I feel GREAT and tell myself a drink will make me feel even better, which is will, but it’s a short lived happiness.
Tomorrow is the start of a new week. Be good to yourself.
It is hard to celebrate a day when you have been wanting to be dead many times throughout the year (and have come very close to being).
When I was a little kid I remember thinking I would not live to be 27, now I am 28. It still often seems unbearable.
Getting Sober SUCKS!
I will not lie, getting sober is extremely lonely and very boring. Your mind is full of hate as memories come flooding back. You have hate for anyone who has hurt you as well as hate for yourself for succumbing to a world where you will never be enough.No one can understand without experience and the ones that haven’t, often the closest, will not know how to be there when you need them most. That is not their fault though. As Demi Lovato said, “To the ones who never left me, We’ve been down this road before”.
While the feeling of not having control leads people to stray away from drinking, ironically it is the reason I do, it is familiar.
Mentally I still feel withdrawn. I came to work because I had to. I hate everything about myself today. I cannot think straight. Physically I feel okay. I feel like I have a bit more energy than normal even though that is against what my mind is thinking. My neck does not feel so stiff anymore. My knees and back feel decent, I have spurring and arthritis from carrying too heavy of mail. Funnily enough, part of the reason I started drinking was to numb the physical pain. Since I am purging a lot less (I would say almost 90%) my teeth do not feel so tender. I have an appointment Tuesday to have them checked and cleaned, not looking forward to being told how bad they are. The first time I purged was at 16, the bulimia became full blown at 18 roughly, somehow I still have all my teeth. I do get a lot of canker sores however, I am fighting one right now. I have been peeing A LOT. I know I am drinking more water but I think I was a bit more bloated than I realized. I have pants that fit better now even though I have not really lost weight. My hair feels a lot better, it is not so oily and dry. I think it was starting to fall out more last week. It was feeling pretty brittle if I combed too hard. Today it feels amazing and it does not feel so oily by the time I am off work, neither does my skin for that matter. I have a lot less bumps on my face and my pores seem to be getting smaller. I do take vitamins, fish oil, and a probiotic in hopes to get my body back to being healthy faster.
I am not so much focusing on the binging/purging at the moment as it seems to be decreasing the further along I am sober. I knew they played hand in hand but did not realize to the extent they did. I feel I need to focus more on the sobriety end for the next couple weeks since that is my biggest trigger for the eating. I know once I start feeling 100% I will want that drink and will convince myself that I am all better and can handle it like last time. I need to get myself past that lie first.
What I Am Doing for Myself
I will be going to the zoo with an old friend today and out to eat. It is Friday so I think I will take Bailey for a few walks this weekend and enjoy some fresh air. I can tell he has been worried about me the past few weeks, especially since the last week all I have been doing is sleeping. The group that I took him to go play with Wednesday meets up every Thursday to play board games and whatnot at a local brewery here. I did inform the lady who runs these meet-ups that I am on a low carb diet so need to stay away from alcohol ( I didn’t want to get into details since we just met) but she said half the people do not drink when going out none the less her so theres no pressure, also many are the 30-40 age range. So I think I will attend some of those. I want to read more also. I feel like drawing again may happen but I do not want to pressure myself too hard. I am also thinking of maybe looking into some self defense classes. If I add up all that I spend on liquor plus the binging food that comes along with it, all of a sudden I have a lot more money.
If anyone is reading this for guidance, the withdrawal is hard yes, but what I gave into last time was my mind telling me I am happy enough to handle a drink. The mentally feeling 100% is the next step and saying no to a drink while being happy is just as hard as saying no when depressed.
I am not a fan of birthdays, to be reminded every year of time gone. Time creates barriers and washed away dreams. It keeps us prisoners of our own bodies waiting for the clock to finally end.
I had originally written a lengthy blog about when my first purging session happened as a teenager and the chaos that surrounded the event. With how long it was I decided against posting any of it for the time being as there are still details I am trying to recover.
Yesterday was an okay day. There was of course a little purging, but I feel it decreasing. I am not trying to keep food down so to say, I just do. A majority of the day I felt like I only existed and nothing more. I was tired from all the nightmares the night before but with some coffee I was where I needed to be alert wise. I kept myself busy but that was the best I could do for myself. I took Bailey to the park to meet other dogs last night and he had a blast. We went to bed around 10 but I could not fall asleep. I had too many emotions flooding in and thoughts that I could not drink to forget. I was not able to sleep through the night without waking up numerous times in cold sweats. I am not sure if I had nightmares or not.
This morning I woke up with barely enough ambition to come to work. I can barely think other than what I need to focus on for work. I do not really feel anything. I am not sure if my cycle being full blown has anything to do with it or if its just part of getting sober. After all this is day four. My last HEAVY drinking day was last Thursday with over two bottles of wine and a 32 oz Wicked Apple and then Friday-Sunday was roughly a bottle of wine a night. I think I drank myself through the shakes and nausea. So I am pretty sure I am at the point that if I were to feel anything it would be absolute depression otherwise I honestly do not feel anything but numbness. It is ironic for someone who is as self sufficient and independent as myself, I am still very bored and lonely with life.
Until I can get over this week of beginning sobriety I am not sure I can honestly say if my eating habits are healthy or not. I have always felt more energized on a lower carb diet. Being Native American I cannot say that my body has yet adapted to americanized food. After all, the obesity rates among the native ethnic group is extremely high and a majority of them live off sugary, processed, high sodium foods. While growing up in the villages a lot of my diet was fresh fish and moose. The people still live off the land in the bush of Alaska. Once I was introduced to foods such as chips and candy my weight sky rocketed. I am thinking I need to go back to the meat and vegetables. I have always done low carb because I can still drink wine on it. That obviously is NOT a healthy reason. I ordered some meat and vegetables yesterday from the grocery store so that will be my diet for the time being. That is the best I can do while being stuck in this haze.
I wish my blog today was a bit more interesting or even gave encouragement. I am lost behind a haze for the time being, maybe the best advice is that this part is normal.
Also, I heard Demi Lovato’s “Sober” this morning, talk about hitting home.
A Little About Me
I suppose if I were to want people to have an idea of who I am at I should introduce myself some. We will call me Kitten, a nickname of mine is Kat, but Kitten seems more me. I am soon to be 28 this Friday. I am thinking this will be my first birthday in a decade I will be sober. This is hard considering we live in a very booze consumed world. Have a problem? Have a whiskey. On a romantic date? Have some wine. Going out with the girls? Long island and margaritas for everyone! Enjoying the game? Beers are 2 for $5. It’s your birthday? FREE DRINKS! I wish I could add up the amount of money I have spent on booze alone since turning 21. You can fill each of those answers with food as well. There is always food for any type of occasion or emotion. Want to lose weight? Here’s some salad. Feeling emotional because you can’t lose weight? Its ok, here’s a coupon to go eat out with the girls and gossip, it will make you feel better! Still can’t lose weight? Here’s a diet pill, no exercise needed. Aside from the point, my birthday shall be interesting, but I realize that in order to cure my eating disorder this is a necessary step to take. Back to me though. I work for one of the leading companies of immune therapy research, I am just a little guy but play a pretty significant roll and am very proud of my job. Its a rarity that one such as me could find a job that has great pay along with amazing benefits, M-F 7-4. I love it and take my job very seriously. I have a dog named Bailey and two cats named Fat Louie and Mr. Cooper. I live on my own, I have never done well with roommates. I am #4 out of 5 siblings. My parents have been married for probably 40 years now, I don’t keep track of dates. I live in crappy North Dakota, have lived all around the state. Its not for me, but there is a good possibility I will end up in Maine someday. I miss the ocean and the mountains but Alaska is way too expensive to live and honestly holds too many bad memories for me. I keep my friends close but there are not many. I have a daughter whom I put up for adoption a couple years ago but I am very close to her and her parents are my best friends. All in all, life is decent other than I live in a really shitty neighborhood. I think the best way to describe myself is an old hag stuck in a 28 year old body who looks 18.
One would think with my disorder that I am another spoiled millennial, after all, why would someone purposely make themselves hungry if they had ever known hunger? It is honestly a very mind fucked state of existing since hunger is something even years later, I am still afraid of.
I went for a longer walk this morning with Bailey. The fresh cool breeze smelled amazing and felt great on my face. I spent a majority of yesterday feeling like I had been hit by a bus. The first few hours went by ok but by noon I felt I could sleep for days. I was in bed by 9 last night. A normal bedtime for me is midnight to 2am. I had some of the worst nightmares last night to the point I woke myself up from screaming. When I would wake up I would have this feeling of pressure in the back of my head, it was as if my mind was still sleeping but I was awake.
A Circle I Cant Escape
I should point out that a light night of drinking for me could easily be a bottle of wine or five 8% IPAs. That also depended on how much I binged/purged since obviously I would get rid of some of the alcohol I was drinking as well, in turn drinking more. Drinking more however let to a greater hangover which let to greasy junk food the following day which led to purging, or I would be too sick to eat anything all day and then by dinner time I would be so hungry to the point of binging. We can see how this is like a revolving chain and the sick thing is that both the food and the alcohol comfort each other and block emotions. In this world that should be okay, after all, aren’t we supposed to mask any feeling we have?
Guilt (but trying to be good to myself)
I think its best I do not go into detail of what I ate yesterday. If I were to say I did not purge in the past 24 hrs I would be lying and I will not lie to readers. However if there are readers who are looking for advice to recover, the last thing I should do is by listing foods that can trigger. But as long as you are keeping meals down willingly you are on the right track. Believe me, this is not an easy habit to break. It takes time.
Fat Louie (Grey) & Mr. Cooper (Bengal Tiger looking asshole *ahem* LOVELY kitty)