I woke up very off this morning and a tad bit emotional but physically feeling pretty well. I cannot wait till daylight savings time so its lighter earlier. I do get uneasy being out alone in the dark. I do not like the dark in general actually….but enjoy night time in some contradictory way. Normally I would get up earlier so I could take Bailey out for a walk, but since I work at 7 theres less time to do that these days now that my window of sunlight is smaller. I could try to do it during work but once we are in our new building I will not live next to work anymore so cannot just disappear for that amount of time.
I Have Got To Start Working On This Shit
I ate fairly well yesterday, I had a lot of salad and veggies plus some meats. This may sound a bit gross but I already had a bowel movement today. For some reason my body has always been somewhat superhuman when it has come to recovering and being healthy. The last time I tried recovering from my eating disorder was back in January. I dealt with a lot of bad bloat for a week but than my body was digesting food normally afterwards. I was doing really well for like two months, I kept food down and was enjoying everything I was eating. I even had a pizza/beer video game day. My body processed it all fine.
What caused me to start purging again was I got so hungover that I threw up. Once I had that feeling of vomiting, my body was hooked again. I drank hard the night before that day, but I also took in a lot more alcohol than normal because I wasn’t throwing it up. I normally have always binged while drinking and then purged after. I have mentioned before about almost drinking myself to death after I left the post office. I had no sense of self and could not find a point to my existence. There were many mornings I would wake up shaking and not able to talk right, none the less keep my thoughts on track, I kept forgetting what I was saying mid-sentence. I would take Zofran to get me through the work day. I could feel my body literally shutting down sometimes. My tummy would hurt so bad and I could barely move and I would have weird stiffness all over my body. I am not proud of those months, but I would never be where I am at now if I didn’t know what true hopelessness for myself felt like.
I know I am different these days, I am a lot stronger and have goals again. I have an ideal image of who I would like to be. Like I have said before, I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and now I need to work on this eating disorder. I am very busy these days, I know I drank a lot also out of boredom in the past. I just finished off a bottle of wine last night that I bought four days ago. Even on a light drinking day I would go through a bottle of wine easily. I just have no time, and honestly that is okay with me. I don’t feel like I need it, and some nights I don’t even want it so I don’t. I almost feel normal, but I won’t let myself be fooled by that thought. I am not normal but I am fairly self intuitive.
My Mind is my Greatest Strength, but also my Greatest Weakness
I wish there were pictures of who I am today compared to five years ago. Five years ago I was a major party whore who gave up on life. I feel bad for her now. Its actually quite amazing when I think of how far I have come. If that girl were to see where she would end up, she honestly would not have believed it. I have learned to love from my daughter and her family as well as gained hope and inner strength. I have learned what real pride feels like from the post office and developed endurance and outer strength. There is nothing in my way right now to becoming who I want to be but myself.
Well, it is my Friday everyone, four day weekend, WHOOO! I have a lot of reading to do for school but with a four day weekend it will be no problem. My focus this weekend will be school, eating healthy, and relaxing. I do have laundry to do…Blah. I should do some fall cleaning now that I can open my windows. I think we are all going to the lake Saturday. Who knows what else this weekend will bring. Well, have a good day peeps.
I started the day by oversleeping.
What do I write about when life is good? It is stressful, but good. I am very boring to myself. Right now my life is work, school, and trying my best to make time for my family. Even though school just started last week, I haven’t seen my daughter as much as normal and I am missing her. We all go on a walk almost every evening together so that is nice, because Bailey gets so angsty being inside. My daughters sleep has been off so she’s kinda a bitch lately…but at the same time so damn cute and adorable. It’s like when she is being her normal cute self I can barely imagine she is capable of throwing such an over reactive tantrum, but when she does…..I do not envy her mom at all…..
3 Minutes Worth of Thoughts
I have one assignment left thats due tonight but its going to take a lot more reading to do it. I am hoping I have time today at work or on break to start it. It’s for ethics. I feel like postal management should take some ethic classes.
I saw my breath today, its cold enough I had to wear my padded bra.
I think I want to get some rainbow fish this weekend.
I serrated my finger yesterday on tape….it still hurts today….dry ice really makes it burn. I can see my flesh lines underneath. This makes me want salmon.
I can’t wait till I get my dispersement so I can be back on track. Oh mania, how I wish I never had you…you know how much money you have cost me?
I should make some soup for dinner…I like soup.
The salad from Caseys was amazing….I may need to donate today now. Ugh Life.
Wow…I really took that layer off my finger…I can see inside. This is so interesting.
I am cold. I should have brought my work hoody but than I would have been wearing the same thing three days in a row. Oh well.
I am so sluggish. I cant believe my alarm didn’t go off. Somehow Bailey actually took a piss right away rather than his normal 20 minutes and MAYBE going. Im so proud.
I love the cooler temperatures, it makes me want to bake. I think I will bake cookies for the man who fixed my car.
Ugh, I am so irritated with their damn department…this meeting later is going to be effin fucktastic.
I should get a new screen for my phone. I hate this phone, I should have stuck with an iPhone. I will never let my daughters parents know they were right.
Well, I will end with that…maybe my thoughts are interesting…not really. My mind never shuts off. I am so bored with today. I want to go home. I want to finish up my homework so I can enjoy the weekend. Well peeps, I have got to go…not really but I honestly have nothing to say. Well, good day to all. I need to figure out what to write about. Why can’t I write when I am happy? Well, everyone have a good day and be good to yourselves!
Note to self, never leave bacon in the work fridge for breakfast the next day…it will not be there when you are ready for it….how rude.
I woke up feeling okay but would have preferred NOT to come to work. It is rainy and gloomy, the perfect studying weather. I wanted to curl up with Bailey and relax all day. I am not a fan of the sun most days so want to fully enjoy the days it is not out.
I dreamt I was a mail carrier again. It has been a while since I had that dream, it was the end of fall when the trees are falling asleep and theres some snow on the ground. I was at my daughters home and was very excited. I loved dressing up for the cold, there was always a special satisfaction I got from knowing I was about to brave the elements. The whole dream was pretty much about getting ready, the sun was somewhat out, it was the perfect fall day. My daughter and her parents were eating breakfast in the kitchen and I had so much energy from excitement. I remember I ran out the door but than had to run back in and get my satchel from the entryway closet. I kissed them all goodbye and left out the door, and that was that.
I was very excited when I transferred from my last post office to here. I was excited to be near my daughter and her parents plus I was happy to be part of an office with a strong union I could be involved in. The post office was all a love/hate relationship for me. I enjoyed learning more about my rights and aspired to be a representative one day. I loved going to meetings. I was not always this way, in fact I didn’t join the union at first. I was part of the clerk union when I worked overnights. I was a PSE which was a non-career for clerks. When I was a carrier I was a CCA, also a non-career, just carrier form. Both are bullshit but the post office pretty much used the red numbers to prove they couldn’t afford to pay workers benefits and a higher wage. Really the post office doesn’t operate in the red, they are actually doing pretty well, it’s just that when congress made them pre-fund retirement up to 70 (75? Im old) years they started operating in the red. I should also mention that even though they didn’t feel they could pay workers benefits AND a decent wage, they could still pay their top dogs 6 figure digits and management more than a worker maxed out on pay. Who am I to question that though? It’s all just bullshit and games. Anyways, I was a very proud carrier and proud to be part of the NALC. As I said before though, I did not join at first. I was one of the first hired for the PSE position back in the day and the clerk union didn’t do much for us. We were a new breed and there was a lot of confusion to exactly what our rights were….so pretty much we had none so to say, at least none that the union helped us with. So when I became a carrier I told the rep who spoke to us how worthless the union was and irrelevant. I still remember her (the rep) standing and looking down at me, she was actually kinda scary but at the same time made me want to debate. She was tall and had her blonde hair in a ponytail. It was the beginning of summer so she was wearing shorts and a button up blue collar short sleeve shirt. The more we debated the more she played with her arrow key. She eventually said she wasn’t going to talk about it anymore…pretty sure I ruined her day. It’s all good though because this lady has also come to be a friend of mine and we can laugh about it now. I can honestly say the first couple months of being here I was the happiest I had ever been in life. I lived with my daughter and her parents till I could find a place. I eventually found a place but the same month that I did my back and left knee really started acting up. I would go home at the end of the day and my knees would be extremely swollen and many nights I had to have my daughters mom massage my lower back. This is probably where I used wine a little too much to self medicate. Well I eventually went to the doctor at the end of October when my insurance kicked in. The doctor took scans and found my knee and back disk to be spurring, thus causing cartilage loss which in turn caused arthritis. All this was on my left side which was my satchel side. He started physical therapy and I started fighting the PO for FMLA and OWCP. The FMLA wasn’t too bad to get, just a lot of documentation, but the workmans comp for a CA-2 should have been a lot easier than it was. The PO just kept fighting it. I needed the workmans comp because management would take me off the schedule otherwise and I still needed to work because I had bills. They gave me the bare minimum which was still not enough for bills and I could not find a different job because that would effect the OWCP. The physical therapy helped but than work pretty much worked against the improvement, I was getting nowhere and my mania was trickling back inside. I was overly stressed about bills, luckily I had my daughters parents there to help me. Mid-November the doctor told my aunt (the only one I love and care about) that she had stage four cancer, this hit my family hard. My grandmas health took a turn for the worst during this time as well. She was old and developed a bed sore. My aunt had taken her in multiple times for this sore and the nurses would dab it and put a bandage over it and tell her she was fine. Well, my mom and aunt ended up taking her to a good hospital in Bismarck and they found out that the bedsore had spread all the way to her spine, it was like an upside down cone. There was nothing they could do. I will NEVER accept free healthcare because of shit like that, reservation hospitals are shitty and most of the people who work in them are only there for the loan buyback. There is so much racism in those hospitals and a lot of the workers look at natives as being stupid dogs. So between work and home-life I never had a break. Mid December my mom signed the DNR for my grandma because she was on her last days. I went and said goodbye, that was really hard. I loved my grandma a lot and I hated seeing her that way. I hated how much she suffered that last year. During this same week my birth sister decided to put up a poster looking for me on FB. My brothers ex wife saw it and showed me. It was all a mental fuck seeing your baby picture and seeing a girl who looked exactly like you. I was excited at first, but I also was not in a good mental state at all and not thinking clearly. I ended up talking to her for a while and learned more about my birth family. Well my grandma died right before Christmas and my family became really depressed. I actually had to end up not calling my parents for awhile because they would say the most hurtful things such as “please don’t give up another baby, we can’t handle it,” type shit among others. (Mind you, my mom had no problem telling me how she didn’t think I could handle parenting when I didn’t know if I would have to.) After Christmas I was getting almost no hours because after the holidays mail is slow. I still couldn’t get another job because of the OWCP so I was getting more and more stressed. I eventually gave up. It was a huge breather to say I was done. But than came the sense of loss. I was already still depressed over my family but than lost everything inside me that had made me, me. When I was a carrier it was my life, I would work all day and work on union things at night. I would help other CCA’s who needed info and learn all that I could about my rights and others. I was a carrier day in and day out and never left work at work. So when I quit, I had a major identity crisis. This is when I started pretty much drinking myself to death. I was barely hanging on and a buddy of mine hired me to work at Aarons. I didn’t like working there at all but it paid bills for a few months. I went to Force games for fun but could not find a point to my life. I was pretty close to being dead many nights. A good thing that did happen during this time was my aunt found out that her stage four cancer was actually two cancers, a stage one and two, she ended up beating the cancer and is doing very well. I eventually got the job I do now and things ended up taking a big turn for the better. I was still abusing alcohol though, thus why I did the month of sobriety when I started this blog. Now I am doing very well, but as one can easily see, I still fight my daily battles. I am happy though. My daughters mom said that if someone is at least 60% happy than thats still happy. So I suppose, even though my job sucks a lot most days, I am still going to school and still have my daughter and her parents, I am happy. I have a few friends I chat with, I just need to keep on pushing through the bad.
Now that life is settling down I really do need to be healthy. I feel like nature is off these days, I feel a weird pressure. Oh well, time to work. I need to find some breakfast….grrr…who stole my bacon….Well, I haven’t said this a lot lately, but BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. I have not been following this advice so therefor have not been saying it. It doesn’t feel like me, so I will start saying it again. I need to focus on school and my health. Have a good day everyone, fucking two days left after today than FOUR DAY WEEKEND!
I am alive and well peeps, I wouldn’t intentionally miss a post. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely great but than I got to work and it was a total shit show. I ran around ragged all day at work dealing with management who cant manage for shit…corporate bullshit. I survived the day and once I got home I hit the books. My daughter hasn’t been sleeping that great lately…just getting so overtired she wont sleep plus toddler brain. Her dad locked himself out of the house so I took a breather to go let him in since her mom was sleeping and we didn’t want to wake her. The kiddo slept quite a while so we ate dinner and I let Bailey play for a bit since he was getting restless. We went for a walk after dinner and I came back home to study again. Our daughter actually just learned to get out of the crib tonight soo…I am not sure how much sleep her mom will be getting anytime soon. I had a lot of good thoughts brewing too. Ugh, Mondays….Well, I have Friday off…I need it….Well…Goodnight Peeps, sorry for the late post! I am going back to study and than maybe have a glass of wine while watching the rain to relax.
“Sometimes you need that cigarette one more time to realize how much you hate it.”
I had a vivid dream about my brother. He was the brother I lived with for a few years in high school when I moved down here. The dream took place in an unknown apartment that I lived in with his ex wife and son, although his son was still a little boy. I think we were all roommates and were trying to make things work out financially. It was a pretty shitty apartment and dark. Well one day he came and said he needed to crash on the couch so we let him. I think a day or so passed till he said we all needed to talk. We all sat down and he said that it was time for me to leave and that he was going to provide for his family again. I started freaking out and pleading with his ex wife to not kick me out. She ended up saying no to him and that she was doing fine on our own and he needed to leave. I watched him walk to his car out the living room window (top floor apt?). His leg had a big gash in it and was bleeding, I do not know how that happened. He drove off in a shitty looking black jeep that couldn’t drive straight and he kept crashing into cars. He turned left a block ahead and when I couldn’t see him anymore I saw a jet slowly flying sideways overhead and onto the distance. I woke up at this time. The buildings were all brick and it was overcast the whole time. There were other things that went on in this dream that were all part of the same world, but this part stuck out for me.
The summer my brother and his wife divorced I was in a very confused state of mind. I was pretty much flung out of any safe haven and comfort I felt. I really liked living with my brother and his family, it was the first time in my younger years I felt I fit in somewhere. It was a false sense of security and I really didn’t fit in but it was the closest I had ever come to being accepted. My parents didn’t come down together, my mom came down first since my dad had to finish up work since he was a principal. We were staying at my grandmas till something could be figured out with finding a home and whatnot. One day my brother called my mom up, I do not know what was said to her but she had a confused look on her face. She then handed the phone to me and said my brother wanted to talk to me. I was somewhat excited because I had barely heard from him anymore. Excitement quickly turned to hurt because he gave me a long yelling spree of how I was the worst thing to happen and I ruined his marriage. It’s hurtful when your brother you have always looked up to makes it known how much he hates you. I am pretty sure he was high and drunk at the time. For quite a few years after that there were many times we didn’t know if he was alive or not because we never heard from him and if we heard anything it was that he was seen passed out on a bench or someplace. Whenever he was talking to us again (brief moments) I would always try to gain his acceptance back. I would do what I could to help him (a 17 year old can’t do much, I tried though). I eventually gave up and I still had to deal with my own life that was going to shits. I never have gotten to be close to him again, I have a hard time caring about people who have pushed me away. We still can’t get along for more than 3 days at a time so I do not try. He is doing a lot better these days. He has a girl he has been dating almost two years now. He has stopped doing all drugs, stopped smoking weed, and won’t drink anymore. I am happy for him. I think I had this dream though because I was telling my daughters parents about that time the other day. Maybe my mind was still trying to process the guilt I felt at the time.
MY CAR IS FIXED! It’s crazy how a small little thermostat sensor can cause so many problems. My car drives like its brand new again. It has been rainy and bleak today but that is okay. I was able to learn more about my coworker who people think is old and grumpy but I think he’s a good guy. He told me I could mow his lawn for payment. I have some studying I would like to get done today but nothing too major. I think some kind of noodles are for dinner….I am not sure.
A friend of mine just had her boyfriend of 2-3 years cheat on her. She is the friend I would like to visit on the east coast this winter. She may be moving to New Hampshire now. I wouldn’t mind visiting there because where she will be a lot closer to the ocean. She is one of the nicest girls one can meet but also a bit naïve. She lets people take advantage of her but that isn’t because she is dumb, just very nice. I would get a bit irritated at her when I worked with her because we were both carriers and she couldn’t understand that management and carriers can’t be friends. She got attacked by a dog once and management tried firing her, her grievance was the first one I ever filed, I was very proud of myself when I learned to do that. Well, her fiancé cheated on her last week and she found out a couple days later and than he told her he was shipping her off back here, but she said no, so now she’s looking for her own place. I hope she does well.
I do not have much to say other than my thoughts and emotions are stable. I feel ready for the week. I didn’t break down from stress this past week and even though my thoughts were still extreme they weren’t bad enough I did anything extreme. My neck and back are a bit stiff but nothing out of the ordinary. I am ready for the week.
First week of school coming to a close and let me tell you…..it was rough a rough week. I am finally getting caught back up to where I wanted to be academic wise (another words ahead). I admit for a while there I had the whole “its the end of the world” type thoughts running through me. I felt that since the first week of school went so wrong that it was a sign that I shouldn’t even be going. My daughters mom called me a fatalist for this, I took offense at the time but I suppose she was right. My car seems to be an easy fix. I had a coworker look at it and he says it just needs a new thermostat gasket. He builds cars on the side so I suppose I can trust his opinion. My migraine is all the way gone and my moods have stabilized. My back feels pretty good although my left knee is a bit on the sore side. It gave out on me last night but it is also the knee I destroyed carrying too heavy of mail. “Work smarter, not harder.” I wish I would have listened to this. I am excited to be in school and learning. This is a quick blog because I have been running around all day and when not running around I have been a lazy bum. So yeah, I feel okay and am optimistic and have control of myself again. Byebye. 🙂
I love hard and intensely. When I feel my heart is threatened I build up walls to avoid the pain that has always come from feeling anything at all. I am afraid of being left behind but prepare for it by pushing away so I never have to worry about it happening.
Oh Life, How You PISS ME OFF sometimes…
My car decided to take a shit on me and have its engine overheat. I am not really sure what is going on with it except maybe the radiator. It’s a 2012 Chevy Cruz with roughly 43k miles, so not overly old. I have noticed it having a hard time shifting gears lately, it’s as if I need to step on the gas harder to make it shift higher. Also when I press on the gas harder I get a weird moisture through the A/C at me. I have also noticed a chemically smell also. So I am really hoping it’s no more than a $500 fix. I will probably not be able to get the engine looked at till I receive my disbursement on the 5th for college. Until than I suppose I will just stay in my own neighborhood for the time being and ask for rides. Luckily my bank, work, apartment, and grocery store are all within the same block, even my dentist. My daughter and her parents live a few neighborhoods over so it wouldn’t be much for them to pick me up to visit.
I have had a migraine the past couple days. I left work around a little early yesterday because my back hurt and my head ached so bad. I finished all the work I was supposed to do and we had nothing to package so it was all good. My paycheck will suck a bit but it will be made up with the disbursement. After I returned home I literally slept all day. I had very vivid dreams as well. My migraine shifted from being just on the right side of my head to a pressure deep in the back of my head last night, today it is in the front of my head. I do not experience migraines much, I am hoping it has just come from the stress and excitement the past few weeks. I know being back in school is the right choice for me, it’s just been a rough week.
Bailey is doing a lot better but we missed his buddy get together this week because of his paw. He can walk fine on it but if he bumps it the wrong way he yelps so I am sure it’s still tender. I didn’t want him to get to rough housing too hard and end up causing damage. He has been very cuddly and needy. Mr. Cooper is being the same old trouble maker he is, he decided to break down a tower on the cat tree. He was running and smacked into one of the towers and down it fell. It was pretty comedic actually, like a cartoon. Well, the glue on that is drying now. Fat Louie is the same old cuddly soft kitty who loves to eat and snuggle. He also has the worst smelling huge shits. Pip is on the end of his life, I think he will only survive a couple more days. He has lived about two years I suppose and for a betta that is fairly average.
I am trying my best not to succumb to the depression. It would be nice if my head didn’t hurt so bad so I could concentrate on studying. I wish I was rich, I feel a lot of the problems in my life could be fixed by money. The problems in my life that can’t be fixed by money would be easier to handle because big picture wise I would have less problems to deal with. Well, I will never be rich so I guess I’d just better keep moving and wait for whatever else life throws at me.
I keep those I love close and the amount of people small. I do not like people getting involved in my life. I am happy with having my daughter and her parents as whom I need in life. I do not let myself feel often for anyone because anytime I have it’s ended with a mental breakdown. One of my favorite memories is when my daughter was still fairly new and I went to visit her and her parents since I still lived a couple hours away at the time. She was sleeping on her bopper and the four of us were in front of the fireplace with her in the center of me and her parents, we were like a triangle around her and each had our hand on her. Memories and emotions are worth more than money can ever buy.
I am doing my best at handling what life tries to stress me out with while keeping up with school work…luckily its only the first week so there is room to improve if I screw up on something due to life having shitty circumstances. I am just trying to breath while keeping the depression at bay….its hard with this migraine. At least its Friday. Have a good day my peeps.