I am not sure I have mentioned being adopted but I am. There is a bit of irony  in that because my birthmother gave me up so I could have a better life off the reservation full of substance abuse and in turn I get stuck in villages with sexual abuse. Adoption back than is not the way it is now however. If my parents would have tried to adopt me now I am fairly certain they would have not been approved, at least not with the point where they were at in their lives when they did. Adoptions back than were pretty much all closed. Before I was even born my fate was decided, I can see life paths being closed off like an artery blockage. After my birthmother gave me up I spent the first few months in foster care where I was fairly neglected. I ended up have a really bad flat head that my parents corrected (personally I still see some of it). Studies have shown the first three months are crucial development stages for babies. I was pretty much taken from my birthmother and thrown in a crib my first few months of being alive until till my parents were able to be approved. So right there is where many healthy development doors were closed. My birthmother originally chose another family to adopt me. They ended up having to say no because they had just gotten promotions and had a lot of life changes happening. As a kid I would wonder about them, maybe I could have had a better life in the long run. But as fate would have it I was given to parents who were barely making it with three other kids and were trying to get through college. Do not get me wrong, I love my parents. I have never really had that need to find my birth family even though they found me last year. I am fairly content with my life these days since accepting my past. I watched my parents struggle and in turn am not afraid to either. They taught me that the world does not owe me shit and the only way I will make it is by working hard. My mom grew up on the reservation and left. I remember when we were down on our luck after the recession we ended up having to go on food stamps. My mom swallowed her pride for that one, but I saw the shame on her face. I used Medicaid while pregnant with my daughter and WIC. Honestly I would have had no problem going hungry but I couldn’t just think about myself since I had my daughter growing inside me. I have not used any government benefits since than and will never again. I do not like feeling like a dog being cared for. I like having my own insurance and food I’ve boughten myself. I like being in control of my life and my money. The only regret I have with my life so far is shying away from uncomfortable situations for fear of failing, but I am changing that.


When younger I could never understand why I deserved everything that happened (I know better now). If reincarnation existed I told myself that I obviously pissed someone off in my previous life and if there was a god he obviously didn’t give two shits about me. I still think reincarnation could be possible but in the aspect that maybe the afterlife is a whole other dimension we cannot comprehend. As for a god, gods, allah, I do believe there is a higher power, there always is, but as for what? Who knows, and it seems awfully silly to try to understand something we cannot see, none the less cause wars because of religion. I do understand that need to have some sort of belief and a sense of protection. I have wondered how much of the belief is caused by not wanting to feel alone. I can honestly say that I have come further in my life once I started only believing in myself. I ended up telling myself that shit happens and if there was a god I would be happy to curse him/her/it out when we met, and if there isn’t, well like I said, shit happens. 


Yesterday was decent enough, very busy and stressful but an honest days work. It was about a ten hour day and right when I got off I took Bailey to the park to play with his buddies. He had a great time and was very sociable. I am meeting with the guidance counselor this afternoon and hopefully everything goes well with getting back into college. I am feeling pretty good today. I am still deciding if I will go out tonight or not, I feel socializing a little will be good for me but it depends on how today goes. I have not seen my daughter that much this week either. So I will end it here, I have work to do, as always be good to yourself and have a great day, the weekend is almost here.

Advertisements