This is my 20th day of opening up to the world and sometimes I feel more alone than ever. I have become naked and vulnerable and still feel hopeless anyone will ever truly understand me.
A friend/follower asked me yesterday if I ever held my past against my parents. The truth is that I did for many years and it wasn’t until the past couple years that I have forgiven them. Its exhausting to hold onto that much negativity. I do still have bad flashbacks that kick me down for a day or so where I have a hard time functioning, these are days I want to spew the worst insults at my parents. These feelings are the same as any other emotional extreme and the most I can do is wait them out. Side effects of trauma are a bitch and I will always have them, the best way I have learned how to deal is by acceptance.
I never wanted any of my family to know what happened. I was a sophmore when my x-sister in law found my diary. Her and my brother were fighting at the time so I am pretty sure she went snooping around my room. When eyes would be on her about something (like sleeping around) she would find something that would take them off. I kept my diary hidden fairly well, it was matched up with other books on my bookshelf. Well it was found and read (by accident of course *sarcasm*) and once again another part of me forefully stripped away. I never did write a personal journal again, to me it proved not even so called family could respect privacy. She is also the one who helped my birthfamily find me. I never did want to find them and even though my birth sister is a friend on facebook I still do not have much to do with her. I always had the option of looking up my birth records but in order to do that my birth mother would have had to been notified. I understand the need to see a daughter whom is given up and I didn’t want her to feel the pain of knowing I knew who she was and not wanting to meet. I still have not met her and honestly not sure if I will, but once again, it was a choice that was taken from me.
I am learning the hard way keep your friends small and close. A lady whom I thought I had a pretty good relationship with has reminded me that even 40 year olds can act like highschool girls. I wish people would own up to their shit. The lady whom was supposed to come visit for my birthday who said she had a family emergency ended up spending a birthday with someone else (in the same city I live in which is two hours away from where she lives). She has not talked to me since than. I don’t really put up with crap like that so I am just saying oh well. I have my daughter and her parents and honestly that is probably all I need. Of course I have the boys also whom take up more than enough of my time.
I am not sure I really made a point with this blog, I feel decent today. I am headed to the lake. I am hoping we grill. I want like salad and steak or something. Also, I know I have mentioned Mr. Cooper, Fat Louie, and Bailey, but I also have a fish named Pip. He downgraded to a smaller home yesterday, a five gallon rather than ten. He is in his older ages now so its only appropriate. He has new rocks and plants and a smaller filter that isnt so strong, and he also has a light. Well have a good Saturday everyone. Sorry there was not too much insight of me in this blog, I wanted something light for a day. It is Saturday and I had a long hard week.