I had a little bit of wine last night, whether or not this was a good idea I cannot tell you right now. I do know that I was able to relax even though my mind never did fully shut off. I did not feel I needed it but throughly enjoyed it. I admit there have times drinking has been a very bad idea and I’ve used it as a coping mechanism, I need to learn to recognize these times. I also know that I very much enjoy wine. When I originally started trying to stay sober for a month I was trying to prove to myself that I did not need to drink, and I don’t. I am not telling myself lies in this regard because I was easily sober while pregnant with my daughter. I do admit I drank too soon after giving my daughter up for adoption as that is when I started really using the alcohol to cope. Of course I came to be very happy with my choice and am now best friends with my daughters parents. I have never really given myself a real break from drinking since than because life happened. I do need to find a balance and good coping mechanisms still. Well, now I have over a half bottle of wine left in the fridge and no real desire to drink it but I have heard white wine makes a good Alfredo sauce so that could be a way to use it up.
I want to explain what happened with my last blog. I have times where I worry about everything as I have mentioned. It has never failed that when life is going well something bad happens, normally threefold, so I always try to think of every possible bad thing that can happen and the ripple effects. I am now starting to wonder if I just never had many good times in my past and it was just coincidence that something bad would happen. The worst thing I am afraid of is my daughters parents dying so I was trying to prepare. I have done this with my parents and siblings also, as well as my aunt and already passed family members, and have done it since I was a kid. I starting imagining all the ripple effects and the devastation of my daughter if her parents were to die and was sort of pushing her mom to make sure I was the one who would raise her. My daughter and I never really lost our bond, it was faint for a while before I moved close to her but it has always been there. Well…for some reason her mom didn’t really want to think of her own death (this always confuses and surprises me with people). So I of course started digging for any reason she had and felt judged (even though I brought it on myself). This had happened the day/night before. I did not sleep well because of dreams and in turn beat myself down. I also read an article about how close humanity is to a tipping point of causing a chain reaction that would make the planet inhabitable. I have always been able to imagine any scenario in my head, they are not always good. I suppose that could be a side effect of PTSD. I would like to think this will get better with time but I do not know. I also know because of what I know nothing will ever happen to my daughter, so experience effects are not always all bad. Well, that was what caused all the anxiety and feeling I needed to keep myself in check, mixed in with waiting to hear from school and work being really busy. Her and I did talk it out. We are trying this whole weird thing called communication since we have all bottled up emotions and thoughts inside in turn causing problems in the past.
I call myself the “Hollywood Mom.” I get to have all the fun and don’t have to deal with dirty diapers and tantrums, except my daughter finds it funny for me to be close to vomiting when changing her poopy diapers so she forces me to.
I have come to the realization I never fully accepted my childhood until this past month. It wasn’t until I said it to the world that I honestly believe it now. Of course there are still things of my past I want to tell and I will. I do find blogging therapeutic. I know I have followers. What I say on my blog is the same exact thing I would say in therapy, except now I will never have to repeat myself again (every therapist asks the same questions, over and over again). I remain hopeful the more I tell the more those wounds will heal. Eventually there will be an end, after all I have only lived 28 years, but maybe by than I’ll have my shit figured out and will have a very interesting life to keep my readers happy. If not than maybe I’ll just be a happy old crabby lady who blogs about my mail being late, I’ll be equally happy with both as long as I have my daughter and best friends.
I do hope I have not disappointed readers today. I know I wanted to be a role model when I started this blog but I do not know how I deserve to be when I still have many of my own issues. Ironically this blog has changed to be my own therapy instead. I feel like I should change the domaine name eventually, however I will leave it for the time being, I never know what the future holds, after all, theres many angles to BPD. I feel lighter today. I still need to work on the b/p, its worst when anxious I am hopeful for the best outcome with the college. Tonight is Baileys playdate and tomorrow I will be going to a Halestorm concert. Please be good to yourself today, after all, I am.