I let myself feel too much excitement last night and in turn knocked my emotions off balance. The excitement of getting accepted led me to feeling a deep sense of loneliness. I have friends and family who are excited for me and I was happy telling everyone, but in the end I still went home to only my pets. Sometimes I just want someone to be able to hug me when I feel happy and have me the center of their world. This will never happen, I am bad at relationships for obvious reasons. I cannot say I have never tried to find love, I have many times. I was about as pathetic as Ted off How I Met Your Mother. Other than my ex, none ever lasted more than a few days, eventually I just saw fucking as what guys wanted. I honestly still believe that of most men. We live in a society where the independent strong woman comfortable in her own body is idealistic, but at the same time a woman needs to be giving a man the best fuck whenever he wants. Sleeping around with no emotions involved is a woman’s way of being equal to men. A woman, while comfortable, needs to be what society considers acceptable in terms of body size and of course a bit independence is OKAY but not TOO much, after all a female still needs to think about her partners ego. I do find it a bit ironic that there is change when it comes to what a beautiful body size is, we no longer worship the skinny models but want models who are realistic, which is fine, but I wonder how much of that stems from jealousy? There are models who are naturally skinny and are now being shamed for it, and on the other side of the spectrum there are bigger models who literally eat all they can so they can keep that heavier model weight since they are starting to be seen as a strong female. Either way, it’s another area I am lost in because I can’t be what any part of society would consider acceptable other than my face with snapchat filters. I support myself and my pets and am now on my way to school. There are literally maybe five people in my life who I can stand touching me (I have no problems with my daughter or her parents, I can accept a hug or handshake from my dad, and my mom can give me a hug (sorta sad)). I am fairly messed up mentally, but I am still human and still have human desires. It wasn’t until I got pregnant with my daughter that I realized how much I hated men. I am not fond of girls either, however I suppose I am still probably bi in a sense. I cannot say that how I feel is all bad, after all I wouldn’t be where I am at in life if I wouldn’t have stopped wasting my time on relationships. In the big picture, those feelings of loneliness do not last long enough to make me want to change anything about myself or my goals, they are just temporary feelings I have when an emotion becomes off balance and after an hour or so they fade away.
Well, I have orientation on Friday and have already registered for three classes. I wasn’t supposed to enroll until after orientation but considering I am doing online and the school is limited with those classes I wanted to at least get into three. I have the worst cramps today and feel nauseous a bit but thats pretty common with my cycle. I believe I do qualify for financial aid as long as I do well this semester. I have been doing very well keeping food down, I may have enjoyed my wine a bit too much last night, but it was out of pure excitement. I honestly wouldn’t have been able to sleep any better without it as I was barely able to shut my mind off with it. I feel okay in that regard though. It’s pretty cool that I have followers happy for me when I do not know anyone. There is a walk for the animal shelters tonight around 5, I am not sure I will go to this or go walking with my daughter and her parents, it depends on the weather. It has been so hot and humid the past week but today its muggy and rainy. Well, I should get going, thanks for everyone who follows and have a good day. Be good to yourself, its Taco Tuesday.