I have always had an ideal image of who I would like to be but it hasn’t been until the two years or so that I have started striving to make it reality. Until I got pregnant with my daughter I never really kept my mind straight enough to make a long term goal, none the less act on a short term. After my ex I was in a really bad place mentally and emotionally since I was stupid and gave up all my independence to him for two years. I was young and dumb and typical. I moved back to my parents in the state of depression and mania. My mind was all over the place and I had the worst emotions running ramped. Well who decided to contact me out of the blue…remember that wonderful recruiter back in highschool who pretty much told me I was too fat to join but still good enough to fuck? Yay, yes, him. Well, he was recently divorced and wanted to meet up for drinks. Its embarrassing to look back now, its like I am watching a badly made soap opera that I am cringing at every minute. So my young so so stupid, 24ish year old mind was ecstatic and thought it to be absolute fate. (Really he was just a desperate disgusting perverted pig waiting to pounce and just happened to watch my FB till the moment I was single again (no hard feelings anymore but he really was, he kept a picture of every girl he fucked (him and his buddy had a contest to see who could have the most (ugh Im in there) and apparently his therapist said this was therapeutic (bullshit)))(also he gained over 300 lbs). Well, anyways, I of course dated him, met his kids, and when he asked me to marry him less than a month later I of course said yes, because it was fate. *face palm, face palm, face palm* It really is like watching the worst cringeworthy movie. Well, it was all going ok for few weeks or so, he played video games all day while living off assistance while I worked at walmart and went home and cooked and cleaned. Well, eventually something seemed really off (no way!) and I kept thinking he was cheating on me, maybe with is ex wife? Well, then came the day he said we needed to talk (also, remember I still have the mania, my mind is just masking it) So I got home and sat down to talk, he asked if he could hold the ring he gave me and he would give it back (bastard only wanted to talk because of the damn ring) and so I did. Than came the part where he told me he was actually gay and just never accepted it beforehand (there has got to be a meme for this). Well, I of course freaked out and the mania finally released and it would over the next year. He apologized (because seriously, sorry makes up for everything he did) but admitted how talking to me helped him find his way (really asshole?) and gave me 25 bucks and rented a room for me to sleep at for a night (what a nice fella). Well I of course spun into a spiral of depression and ended up having to check myself into a psych ward where they wouldn’t let me out until I was no longer suicidal, so about a week. I ended up in the ywca for awhile until I found a roommate in a shitty apartment in the shittiest part of that city. I lost every sense of self. I spent a good year partying hard non stop, sleeping around, job hopping, and building up an impressive amount of debt and collections. I ended up having to move back to my parents since that kind of life leads to becoming homeless (theres only so many couches to sleep on). The small town they lived in wasn’t much better but I was able to work at the pizza ranch and start paying bills again. Well, the partying never really stopped and I met the sperm donor to my daughter, a wonderful meth head. I got knocked up, my parents said they weren’t going to help me anymore, I ended up in a catholic maternity home (oh the stories about his place (I’m still waiting for the exorcism they insisted I needed)) and somehow from all that I had a turning point and became strong in every sense. Now I just turned 28, have an almost two year old daughter, have her parents whom are my best friends, have my own place with my pets, am back in school, have consolidated all my debt so my credit score keeps going up, pay all my bills on time, have a job with amazing benefits, and am now blogging for therapy, and it has helped more than meds and talk therapy ever did. Yeah, after 28 years, I’m pretty good now, still things to work on but still, pretty good. I have always said my daughter saved my life, and she continues to make me stronger.
Well I am registered for three classes and have my books ordered. I think I will only stick with 9 credits this semester since that is still full time but still low enough I can get back into the habit of school work. Plus I work a full time job and hockey will be starting soon so I don’t want to over burden myself. I have done pretty well with my eating except I did binge a little yesterday but purging once doesn’t make me feel too overly guilty with how well I have been doing. Tonight is Baileys playdate so I am excited for that, he has been inside so much because of the heat and its now cool enough he will fully enjoy himself. I am good but now I need my coffee so I will get going, after all, I should do a little bit of work today anyways. Well, have a good day everyone!