I wonder if they cried…. I wonder if I cried…

 

Those were the questions I asked myself when I read about the priest scandals in Pennsylvania. I remember very specific details of the man who molested me the most. I can remember being  on top and him showing me what to do, so I am assuming that was probably the first time with that position. Often times he would be on top. I can recall him forcing me to suck him. I don’t remember if I cried however, or when the first time was. I know the ages I was in his care.  From a psychological point of view I am assuming it was so traumatic I blocked out as many moments as I could. I remember a lot though over the course of abuse so I guess my mind didn’t do too well on forgetting. I cried yesterday evening when my daughters mom brought up the priests. I did not cry for myself but for my daughter. I watched my daughter laugh and scream with glee while eating dinner and realized if she would have been me the light in her eyes would have already gone dark. It does piss me off evil like that exists in this worst, its worst when its babies. I will never step foot into a catholic church again. The catholic maternity home I was at while pregnant is what decided this, however I can swear by it now. I still wonder though, did I cry?


Failure…why does that work scare me so much? It can only happen if I let it at this point, so I will try my best to not succumb to my mind.


Today will be a busy day. I have orientation early this morning and decided to sleep in longer than I should have. I blame Bailey since he was so comfortable. I will be going school shopping later this afternoon and to do a good amount of cleaning and organizing. I am going to be making my second room into an office so I have no distractions when studying. My eating has been a go to habitual stress reliever….so not healthy and not good. Once things settle down I know everything will fall into place, I just have to keep my head above water till than. I know I will have to watch for effects to drinking too much a lot more since the repercussions of that will be not doing well school wise. I gave Bailey a bath yesterday so he is so soft and no longer smells like a swamp dog. The cats are doing well. I think Pip is aging, he is a couple years old so he’s getting up there fish wise. I planned to write more but considering I am hard on time I will end it here. I hope everyone has a great day. Its Friday so that’s nice. 🙂

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