I have mentioned previously being adopted. I have also briefly talked about giving up my daughter also. I wish I could say that both were happy for everyone involved. I love my parents and am close to them, I have not always been that way. I of course held a lot against them growing up and it hasn’t been till the past couple years that I have become as close as I have. It also has not been since within the past year that I have become happy with my decision to give up my daughter, but even then there has still been the sense of loss. In a nutshell though, adoption has been nothing but painful and disconnecting to me for 27 years. I have put up many walls because of it. In October I am asked to talk about my experience and feelings to a group of aspiring adopting parents. This seems kinda like bullshit to me since none of these future parents can fathom what it feels like for a birthmother to choose adoption. For them their dreams are coming true of being parents and building a family, for a birthmother she is losing her heart. Its even worst in a way because my relationship with my daughters parents is so deep and unique that I don’t want these parents to get unrealistic expectations. I am feeling similar emotions to when I was younger when I felt different because my parents weren’t my “real” parents even though to me they were. I am not my daughters “real” mom but just her birthmother. I never wanted to know my birth family and I still don’t.  It’s funny how within in a week I can go from feeling understood to feeling very different. I feel guarded and misunderstood. I feel very sad again.

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