“Sometimes you need that cigarette one more time to realize how much you hate it.”


I had a vivid dream about my brother. He was the brother I lived with for a few years in high school when I moved down here. The dream took place in an unknown apartment that I lived in with his ex wife and son, although his son was still a little boy. I think we were all roommates and were trying to make things work out financially. It was a pretty shitty apartment and dark. Well one day he came and said he needed to crash on the couch so we let him. I think a day or so passed till he said we all needed to talk. We all sat down and he said that it was time for me to leave and that he was going to provide for his family again. I started freaking out and pleading with his ex wife to not kick me out. She ended up saying no to him and that she was doing fine on our own and he needed to leave. I watched him walk to his car out the living room window (top floor apt?). His leg had a big gash in it and was bleeding, I do not know how that happened. He drove off in a shitty looking black jeep that couldn’t drive straight and he kept crashing into cars. He turned left a block ahead and when I couldn’t see him anymore I saw a jet slowly flying sideways overhead and  onto the distance. I woke up at this time. The buildings were all brick and it was overcast the whole time. There were other things that went on in this dream that were all part of the same world, but this part stuck out for me.

The summer my brother and his wife divorced I was in a very confused state of mind. I was pretty much flung out of any safe haven and comfort I felt. I really liked living with my brother and his family, it was the first time in my younger years I felt I fit in somewhere. It was a false sense of security and I really didn’t fit in but it was the closest I had ever come to being accepted. My parents didn’t come down together,  my mom came down first since my dad had to finish up work since he was a principal. We were staying at my grandmas till something could be figured out with finding a home and whatnot. One day my brother called my mom up, I do not know what was said to her but she had a confused look on her face. She then handed the phone to me and said my brother wanted to talk to me. I was somewhat excited because I had barely heard from him anymore. Excitement quickly turned to hurt because he gave me a long yelling spree of how I was the worst thing to happen and I ruined his marriage. It’s hurtful when your brother you have always looked up to makes it known how much he hates you. I am pretty sure he was high and drunk at the time. For quite a few years after that there were many times we didn’t know if he was alive or not because we never heard from him and if we heard anything it was that he was seen passed out on a bench or someplace. Whenever he was talking to us again (brief moments) I would always try to gain his acceptance back. I would do what I could to help him (a 17 year old can’t do much, I tried though). I eventually gave up and I still had to deal with my own life that was going to shits. I never have gotten to be close to him again, I have a hard time caring about people who have pushed me away. We still can’t get along for more than 3 days at a time so I do not try. He is doing a lot better these days. He has a girl he has been dating almost two years now. He has stopped doing all drugs, stopped smoking weed, and won’t drink anymore. I am happy for him. I think I had this dream though because I was telling my daughters parents about that time the other day. Maybe my mind was still trying to process the guilt I felt at the time.


MY CAR IS FIXED! It’s crazy how a small little thermostat sensor can cause so many problems. My car drives like its brand new again. It has been rainy and bleak today but that is okay. I was able to learn more about my coworker who people think is old and grumpy but I think he’s a good guy. He told me I could mow his lawn for payment. I have some studying I would like to get done today but nothing too major. I think some kind of noodles are for dinner….I am not sure.

A friend of mine just had her boyfriend of 2-3 years cheat on her. She is the friend I would like to visit on the east coast this winter. She may be moving to New Hampshire now. I wouldn’t mind visiting there because where she will be a lot closer to the ocean. She is one of the nicest girls one can meet but also a bit naïve. She lets people take advantage of her but that isn’t because she is dumb, just very nice. I would get a bit irritated at her when I worked with her because we were both carriers and she couldn’t understand that management and carriers can’t be friends. She got attacked by a dog once and management tried firing her, her grievance was the first one I ever filed, I was very proud of myself when I learned to do that. Well, her fiancé cheated on her last week and she found out a couple days later and than he told her he was shipping her off back here, but she said no, so now she’s looking for her own place. I hope she does well.

I do not have much to say other than my thoughts and emotions are stable. I feel ready for the week. I didn’t break down from stress this past week and even though my thoughts were still extreme they weren’t bad enough I did anything extreme. My neck and back are a bit stiff but nothing out of the ordinary. I am ready for the week.

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