Note to self, never leave bacon in the work fridge for breakfast the next day…it will not be there when you are ready for it….how rude. 

I woke up feeling okay but would have preferred NOT to come to work. It is rainy and gloomy, the perfect studying weather. I wanted to curl up with Bailey and relax all day. I am not a fan of the sun most days so want to fully enjoy the days it is not out.

I dreamt I was a mail carrier again. It has been a while since I had that dream, it was the end of fall when the trees are falling asleep and theres some snow on the ground. I was at my daughters home and was very excited. I loved dressing up for the cold, there was always a special satisfaction I got from knowing I was about to brave the elements. The whole dream was pretty much about getting ready, the sun was somewhat out, it was the perfect fall day. My daughter and her parents were eating breakfast in the kitchen and I had so much energy from excitement. I remember I ran out the door but than had to run back in and get my satchel from the entryway closet. I kissed them all goodbye and left out the door, and that was that.

I was very excited when I transferred from my last post office to here. I was excited to be near my daughter and her parents plus I was happy to be part of an office with a strong union I could be involved in. The post office was all a love/hate relationship for me. I enjoyed learning more about my rights and aspired to be a representative one day. I loved going to meetings. I was not always this way, in fact I didn’t join the union at first. I was part of the clerk union when I worked overnights. I was a PSE which was a non-career for clerks. When I was a carrier I was a CCA, also a non-career, just carrier form. Both are bullshit but the post office pretty much used the red numbers to prove they couldn’t afford to pay workers benefits and a higher wage. Really the post office doesn’t operate in the red, they are actually doing pretty well, it’s just that when congress made them pre-fund retirement up to 70 (75? Im old) years they started operating in the red. I should also mention that even though they didn’t feel they could pay workers benefits AND a decent wage, they could still pay their top dogs 6 figure digits and management more than a worker maxed out on pay. Who am I to question that though? It’s all just bullshit and games. Anyways, I was a very proud carrier and proud to be part of the NALC. As I said before though, I did not join at first. I was one of the first hired for the PSE position back in the day and the clerk union didn’t do much for us. We were a new breed and there was a lot of confusion to exactly what our rights were….so pretty much we had none so to say, at least none that the union helped us with. So when I became a carrier I told the rep who spoke to us how worthless the union was and irrelevant. I still remember her (the rep) standing and looking down at me, she was actually kinda scary but at the same time made me want to debate. She was tall and had her blonde hair in a ponytail. It was the beginning of summer so she was wearing shorts and a button up blue collar short sleeve shirt. The more we debated the more she played with her arrow key. She eventually said she wasn’t going to talk about it anymore…pretty sure I ruined her day. It’s all good though because this lady has also come to be a friend of mine and we can laugh about it now. I can honestly say the first couple months of being here I was the happiest I had ever been in life. I lived with my daughter and her parents till I could find a place. I eventually found a place but the same month that I did my back and left knee really started acting up. I would go home at the end of the day and my knees would be extremely swollen and many nights I had to have my daughters mom massage my lower back. This is probably where I used wine a little too much to self medicate. Well I eventually went to the doctor at the end of October when my insurance kicked in. The doctor took scans and found my knee and back disk to be spurring, thus causing cartilage loss which in turn caused arthritis. All this was on my left side which was my satchel side. He started physical therapy and I started fighting the PO for FMLA and OWCP. The FMLA wasn’t too bad to get, just a lot of documentation, but the workmans comp for a CA-2 should have been a lot easier than it was. The PO just kept fighting it. I needed the workmans comp because management would take me off the schedule otherwise and I still needed to work because I had bills. They gave me the bare minimum which was still not enough for bills and I could not find a different job because that would effect the OWCP. The physical therapy helped but than work pretty much worked against the improvement, I was getting nowhere and my mania was trickling back inside. I was overly stressed about bills, luckily I had my daughters parents there to help me. Mid-November the doctor told my aunt (the only one I love and care about) that she had stage four cancer, this hit my family hard. My grandmas health took a turn for the worst during this time as well. She was old and developed a bed sore. My aunt had taken her in multiple times for this sore and the nurses would dab it and put a bandage over it and tell her she was fine. Well, my mom and aunt ended up taking her to a good hospital in Bismarck and they found out that the bedsore had spread all the way to her spine, it was like an upside down cone. There was nothing they could do. I will NEVER accept free healthcare because of shit like that, reservation hospitals are shitty and most of the people who work in them are only there for the loan buyback. There is so much racism in those hospitals and a lot of the workers look at natives as being stupid dogs. So between work and home-life I never had a break. Mid December my mom signed the DNR for my grandma because she was on her last days. I went and said goodbye, that was really hard. I loved my grandma a lot and I hated seeing her that way. I hated how much she suffered that last year. During this same week my birth sister decided to put up a poster looking for me on FB. My brothers ex wife saw it and showed me. It was all a mental fuck seeing your baby picture and seeing a girl who looked exactly like you. I was excited at first, but I also was not in a good mental state at all and not thinking clearly.  I ended up talking to her for a while and learned more about my birth family. Well my grandma died right before Christmas and my family became really depressed. I actually had to end up not calling my parents for awhile because they would say the most hurtful things such as “please don’t give up another baby, we can’t handle it,” type shit among others. (Mind you, my mom had no problem telling me how she didn’t think I could handle parenting when I didn’t know if I would have to.)  After Christmas I was getting almost no hours because after the holidays mail is slow. I still couldn’t get another job because of the OWCP so I was getting more and more stressed. I eventually gave up. It was a huge breather to say I was done. But than came the sense of loss. I was already still depressed over my family but than lost everything inside me that had made me, me. When I was a carrier it was my life, I would work all day and work on union things at night. I would help other CCA’s who needed info and learn all that I could about my rights and others. I was a carrier day in and day out and never left work at work. So when I quit, I had a major identity crisis. This is when I started pretty much drinking myself to death. I was barely hanging on and a buddy of mine hired me to work at Aarons. I didn’t like working there at all but it paid bills for a few months. I went to Force games for fun but could not find a point to my life. I was pretty close to being dead many nights. A good thing that did happen during this time was my aunt found out that her stage four cancer was actually two cancers, a stage one and two, she ended up beating the cancer and is doing very well. I eventually got the job I do now and things ended up taking a big turn for the better. I was still abusing alcohol though, thus why I did the month of sobriety when I started this blog. Now I am doing very well, but as one can easily see, I still fight my daily battles. I am happy though. My daughters mom said that if someone is at least 60% happy than thats still happy. So I suppose, even though my job sucks a lot most days, I am still going to school and still have my daughter and her parents, I am happy. I have a  few friends I chat with, I just need to keep on pushing through the bad.

Now that life is settling down I really do need to be healthy. I feel like nature is off these days, I feel a weird pressure. Oh well, time to work. I need to find some breakfast….grrr…who stole my bacon….Well, I haven’t said this a lot lately, but BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. I have not been following this advice so therefor have not been saying it. It doesn’t feel like me, so I will start saying it again. I need to focus on school and my health. Have a good day everyone, fucking two days left after today than FOUR DAY WEEKEND!