I have mentioned previously being adopted. I have also briefly talked about giving up my daughter also. I wish I could say that both were happy for everyone involved. I love my parents and am close to them, I have not always been that way. I of course held a lot against them growing up and it hasn’t been till the past couple years that I have become as close as I have. It also has not been since within the past year that I have become happy with my decision to give up my daughter, but even then there has still been the sense of loss. In a nutshell though, adoption has been nothing but painful and disconnecting to me for 27 years. I have put up many walls because of it. In October I am asked to talk about my experience and feelings to a group of aspiring adopting parents. This seems kinda like bullshit to me since none of these future parents can fathom what it feels like for a birthmother to choose adoption. For them their dreams are coming true of being parents and building a family, for a birthmother she is losing her heart. Its even worst in a way because my relationship with my daughters parents is so deep and unique that I don’t want these parents to get unrealistic expectations. I am feeling similar emotions to when I was younger when I felt different because my parents weren’t my “real” parents even though to me they were. I am not my daughters “real” mom but just her birthmother. I never wanted to know my birth family and I still don’t. It’s funny how within in a week I can go from feeling understood to feeling very different. I feel guarded and misunderstood. I feel very sad again.
I am on a familiar edge. I don’t know why I feel as I do these days. I don’t feel good enough for anyone. I feel like just another birthmother. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone because no one can understand what I am feeling. Everything I say offends someone. I feel like I am passively being chased away. Maybe I am supposed to go away, I don’t know. My back feels painful today again. Bailey is still acting hurt. I am only coming to work because I need to pay bills. I know this is depression and I know all I can do is wait it out. I am gaining weight and barely being able to fit my clothes makes me feel worst. I feel ugly. I cracked my phone screen pretty bad last night. Wine nor beer seem to really have any taste these days so I barely have more than a drink if even a night. I feel exhausted and tired. It is hard to smile lately but theres a few people who still manage to make me laugh. My tummy is still burning a little from taking my pain meds without a meal yesterday. I wish I could have started the school year in a better place. I need to get my mind straight otherwise I will sink too low. Oh depression, how much I have missed you….not really.
Well, the first day of school did not start the way I planned although I feel I am almost on track. Sunday was a really good day till Bailey decided to split open his toe nail so I had to sit at the vets office for a couple hours till the vet could pull his nail out and bandage him up. Yesterday morning I was barely able to get out of bed since my back was spasming. This is a permanent condition from the post office. It hasn’t happened yet since leaving but I suppose I have been due for a flare up. So I started the week by missing work and spending time at the doctor myself. I am at work today but feel like shit. My pants are tight on me and I just want to go home. I really do not feel like seeing my work partner today, none the less dealing with her. My bank is overdrawn by 56 cents and knowing how shitty Town and Country are they will most likely charge me an overdraft fee but I will try to get there right when they open. They are the worst bank next to Wells Fargo. I feel disgusting today. I want to go back to bed. I feel like just another birthmother. My mind cannot think straight. I want this day to be over.
Kitten asked me to describe her briefly so that she could use that as a basis for at least one blog entry. As her baby mama, I feel like I know her pretty well so I’m in a good position to do so. Let’s get to it, shall we? The words I would use to describe her personality are dichotomy, juxtaposition, and contradiction. What I mean by that is she will go back and forth between two opposite personality traits and often leave me guessing or scratching my head in confusion. I’ll give some examples.
When Kitten decided she wanted to live in the same city we were in, she had her transfer request in at the post office and was listing stuff that she didn’t want to move on Facebook within two hours. So one would almost think impulsivity and quick decision making was a dominant trait, but I’ve gone shopping with her. We spent an hour in one aisle of a store looking at notebooks. We spent a half hour in a grocery store picking out just the right ranch dressing. There is a very deliberate nature to the most mundane of decisions.
Kitten says she hates kids, but got excited over a cute baby when we were out to eat. She’s always reminding me that I’m a super nerd and that she’s cool and went to a lot of parties back in the day; yet she does math for fun, quotes Star Wars, plays RPGs and strategy games, and unknowingly road rages in iambic pentameter.
She is strong, but not tough. She has had life beat her down and she’s still here. Still standing. Still going strong when others would have given up ages ago. But at the same time, the smallest of things can majorly affect her. I’ve seen her break down over the notion that she has a single white hair on her head (she doesn’t, and I learned the hard way that she also doesn’t take kindly to jokes) or over disagreeing with her on whether or not a singer is good.
Kitten is very magnetic and can engage just about anyone in a conversation, but gets justifiably freaked out around new people or in crowds. At the same time, she has said that she likes getting lost in crowds too. She likes cities, but misses the stars when she is actually in one. Kitten has seen the worst of people but tends to want to give people a chance all the same. She hates people, but yearns for acceptance and belonging. She claims to be a bitch, but is, in fact, one of the kindest, most generous people I know. Especially towards her daughter, my husband, and me.
I think what I’m trying to say through all of my various examples is that she’s difficult to describe fully and completely. She continues to surprise and amaze and yes, frustrate me daily. I wouldn’t change a thing.
When life is going well I do not have much to write about. I cannot say why I still b/p. It has to all be habit. I do not enjoy or like a lot of food I binge on, especially not in the excessive amount that I do. A cookie can taste amazing at first but after the 10th one it has almost no flavor but I still keep eating more. I do not like how I look these days now that I am not walking 20 miles a day, but if I gain weight from the b/p than its fairly pointless to do it because of weight. Its the sugar I am addicted to. When I went sober for a month I started b/ping more, I am thinking since I couldn’t turn my mind off with a glass of wine I just became further stressed and used b/p to cope. My hope is that once I am studying I can put all my focus onto that instead of my fears and in turn have less anxiety. I do not think I want to do anything therapy wise with a psych degree. I want to learn more of statistics and development. I think the roughest part will be to not mix my personal experiences in with my studies because that can skew my learning perception. What I feel is not always correct so I need to go in with as open of a mind as possible. I wish I did not have to work tomorrow since it’s my first day of school but I need to get in routine so its probably for the best. At least there are not many shipments tomorrow and everything is packed to go out so it will be a pretty easy going day. I can log on from work also to see how classes are looking. I have one more book to pick up. I know I can do this, I just need to focus. I feel myself getting mentally and emotionally stronger everyday and all this because I decided to start blogging. The past few days have been a bit on the slow side in terms of blogging but that’s okay because it means I’ve been fairly stable. I hope this next week I can tell about how I am handling school and work. I have to admit I bore myself so I am sure I bore my readers at times. Maybe that’s why I have always craved some sort of drama in the past? It’s hard to live with stability sometimes. Well, my morning coffee is done, I need to take out the garbage and hang up my clothes. (I am terrible at putting away laundry). It is 11:30 and my last day of freedom because I am officially a college kid again. Happy Sunday peeps.
For the first time in my life I feel I have what I need to succeed. I never did think I would get this far, and it really isn’t that far in the grand scheme of life. I’ve had to take a lot of steps backwards. Yesterday was very busy. I had orientation in the morning, which there was really no point on me going since I am already in the school system from the last time I went to school but I guess I was able to find another transferable science class that is online. I thought 9 credits was full time but i guess its 12 so I am full time now since I signed up for the science. Now I will get the full amount of financial aid. Something is wrong with my car so that will be nice to get fixed and than hopefully I have enough over that I can put some towards rent every month so there’s less stress with bills. I bought a desk at Walmart yesterday. It’s not anything extravagant but its on the cheaper end of what I was looking for so I am happy with it. I was up till 2 this morning putting it together. Putting furniture together is relaxing to me. I feel I am about to the point that I can focus on my eating habits. A lot of my binging habits I’ve noticed come from boredom. Having school to focus on I am hoping will help this. Maybe focusing on studying will keep me from feeling the off balance sense I have from nature. It sounds stupid but I get weird senses I can’t explain a lot. Whether or not the media has anything that feeds this I cannot say. The sun and moon look scary on a daily basis these days. The smoke and spraying make them red and they fade out long before they should. The skies are white today even though there is no cloud cover. I do not have much to say today. I am still waiting for my sausage to cook and coffee to brew. I need to balance my checkbook (scary) and figure out where I am at financially. I spent three hours at Walmart yesterday and still managed to forget Baileys food so I get to go back today for that. I’m going to try and down as much water as I can today to make up for all the junk I’ve eaten this past week. There really shouldn’t be too much stress going on from here on life wise. Just the normal school and work stuff. Well, I have a busy day of organizing and cleaning up my mess from last night so I hope everyone has a good Saturday.
P.S. to the nice lady who sent me the book “THe Light Between Us,” I have managed to read a few pages and it is very interesting. I have just had a lot going on so have not had time to sit down and read it. I do plan to get further into it this weekend. Thankyou 🙂
I wonder if they cried…. I wonder if I cried…
Those were the questions I asked myself when I read about the priest scandals in Pennsylvania. I remember very specific details of the man who molested me the most. I can remember being on top and him showing me what to do, so I am assuming that was probably the first time with that position. Often times he would be on top. I can recall him forcing me to suck him. I don’t remember if I cried however, or when the first time was. I know the ages I was in his care. From a psychological point of view I am assuming it was so traumatic I blocked out as many moments as I could. I remember a lot though over the course of abuse so I guess my mind didn’t do too well on forgetting. I cried yesterday evening when my daughters mom brought up the priests. I did not cry for myself but for my daughter. I watched my daughter laugh and scream with glee while eating dinner and realized if she would have been me the light in her eyes would have already gone dark. It does piss me off evil like that exists in this worst, its worst when its babies. I will never step foot into a catholic church again. The catholic maternity home I was at while pregnant is what decided this, however I can swear by it now. I still wonder though, did I cry?
Failure…why does that work scare me so much? It can only happen if I let it at this point, so I will try my best to not succumb to my mind.
Today will be a busy day. I have orientation early this morning and decided to sleep in longer than I should have. I blame Bailey since he was so comfortable. I will be going school shopping later this afternoon and to do a good amount of cleaning and organizing. I am going to be making my second room into an office so I have no distractions when studying. My eating has been a go to habitual stress reliever….so not healthy and not good. Once things settle down I know everything will fall into place, I just have to keep my head above water till than. I know I will have to watch for effects to drinking too much a lot more since the repercussions of that will be not doing well school wise. I gave Bailey a bath yesterday so he is so soft and no longer smells like a swamp dog. The cats are doing well. I think Pip is aging, he is a couple years old so he’s getting up there fish wise. I planned to write more but considering I am hard on time I will end it here. I hope everyone has a great day. Its Friday so that’s nice. 🙂