I feel as though I am stuck in the middle of two versions of myself. The first is the victim whos every move was a ripple effect of trauma and survival. The second is a future survivor who has beat all odds to become someone great. I feel as if I am in some sort of limbo at the moment.
I have always had trouble coming out of my shell and now I have opened myself up to the world, some may have critiqued, while many I know became followers whom I know hope I succeed. I just am not exactly sure what I hope to succeed on. Blogging has become great therapy for me, it has been a way to get my story out to the world, it also helped me find a lot more about myself. The hypnotherapy sort of sealed areas of me. I know I still have a couple sessions to do in January and I am looking forward to that. I have not had the little girl come out, I do not even feel her because she is a part of me now. I feel full but not tummy wise. It is a feeling in my chest and mind region. I feel like I am becoming whole.
I ate great today and only semi purged once. I stuck to my meats, veggies, and a couple low carb snacks. I feel my tummy working. I always feel better with this way of eating as I have mentioned before. I also drank a lot of water.
What I Did For Myself
I took Bailey for a couple walks today and played fetch with him quite a bit. I still cannot do much in terms of exercise. I hope the doctor can do something tomorrow that will help my finger heal faster. I want to work out. I have noticed since strictly eating veggies and meat my knees feel a lot better. I also a did a ton of laundry today and washed all the boys blankets. I like that I am lucky enough to have non- shedding pets. I enjoyed time with my daughter and her parents. My daughters grandfather is not in the best of health these days so it is nice to try to be there the best I can for her parents.
Well, I have been typing a lot for school work the past few days and I would like to give my finger a break. I do find it very interesting how easy it is to learn to work without a finger. Even with typing my middle finger takes the place of my index finger fairly easily. Either way, this week should be a fairly busy week so I am going to hit the hay. I promise to be good to myself…as I mentioned yesterday, I just have to repeat this to myself ten times a day. I am not sure why ten, it just seemed like a good number.
I am not sure what to say about myself these days, my past is the only interesting part about me. If my past is taken out of the picture than I am honestly very boring.
Today was a decent day. My finger is still bleeding a little bit, not much anymore so that is good…only took three days. I got homework done but still need to bullshit on an essay tomorrow and still need to make a bibliography. Essays are very easy for me to do, in fact the last one I did for Ethics I typed up in ten minutes and got an A. In case my readers haven’t realized, writing is my strong point. Except when my finger is busted up, but its interesting to see how fast I can get used to not having a finger. My finger is still bothering me a lot. I can feel different nerves working. I have noticed thinking of different things can actually effect how much I feel it. I plan to experiment more tomorrow with it.
I will be good to myself...just have to repeat that ten times a day...right?
I ate well today and only purged a little once, otherwise I ate a lot of salad. I had bacon and eggs for breakfast. My daughters mom and I made a chicken buffalo soup, it was amazing.
I am still in quite a bit of pain when typing, so I cannot really make this post worth while. I am feeling a lot better today than I have been all week. It was a really rough week and next week will be worst I am sure…I just need to breath.
Well, I am going to go watch As Above, So Below, with my daughters parents. Everyone have a great night. I will. I will also start trying to be nicer to myself. I know I can be very hard on myself. I just need to breath.
My finger is throbbing like crazy but I am excited for it to stop bleeding and heal some so I can see the dome in my finger. I am enjoying moving my body in certain ways to see if I can feel pain in my finger. It is really surprising how something like the lower extremities can have an effect on my finger tip. I crashed like crazy last night and when I woke up my bandage was soaked through, which was amazing because it was still bleeding when I changed the gauze and and other layers of what they put on. It became really fun when Bailey and the cats tried eating my finger and bandages.
It was a really busy day at work but I am not working with my packaging partner much anymore so it was very good even though we had a lot of work. Next week I should get a good amount of overtime. I have a couple friends who asked me to help with their work also so that will help with money since I cannot donate plasma with my effed up finger.
I have been keeping food down actually, its been about three days. I have wanted to b/p but I don’t let myself. I know that box of candy is only temporary satisfaction and will only lead to a long all day b/p session. It’s disgusting.
My finger itches, burns, and throbs, its fun. I can’t really type, which sorta sucks because I still have school work to do. I will have to cut this shorter than I was hoping because typing is really starting to hurt. Well, have a good night everyone.
Life is a game of pain and fighting to survive. I do feel very alone these days. With every fake smile I get more exhausted. I suppose I do deserve to feel the way that I do. I really am just a shitty shitty person. I am very selfish, I know. I still have a survival of the fittest type mindset and I do not think that will ever go away. I cannot keep anyone close without hurting them, so why even try anymore? With every cut I gave myself in the past I still feel was well deserved. I have had people tell me otherwise, but in the end, I did deserve it all. I really do think I pissed someone off in my past life. I am not looking for sympathy of any kind, there’s no room for sympathy when karma exists. Am I okay? I don’t really know. I am tired, I know that, even though I have been sleeping. Oh well, karma is a bitch.
It’s been another stressful day. I decided to take a chunk out of my finger today with a tape dispenser. My manager took me to the clinic. I lost a decent amount of blood but there was no way to stitch my finger since the meat was gone, so I pretty much had to keep having the doctors bandage me till no more blood soaked through. They gave me a weird looking gauze bandage thing on my flesh, they said it will dissolve into my finger. They bandaged it up pretty good and put it in a splint. The doctor gave me some numbing shots, however that is fading away so I am starting to feel a fair amount of aching, which I am sure will hurt more. I also had a tetanus shot which always feels amazing. I didn’t eat much today…actually I only had a couple Atkins shakes, so I feel nauseous and lightheaded. I have some seasoned chicken thighs cooking. I ended up going back to work after the doctor, but I got disoriented a little so was told to go home. I want the hours now that I am learning a different area. I was enjoying being at work today.
It has not been my day at all. I feel like anywhere I go I just fuck up. I do not want to feel emotions, they only bring heartache. I just need to work and forget any feelings I have. Sometimes the less I feel means the less others get hurt. I was almost at the point that I thought I deserved to be happy, but the reality is, is that I am honestly just too fucked up to have any sort of healthy, loving, and caring relationship. Some people are meant to be alone. I am tired of always putting on a smile, it’s exhausting.
I wish I could have better blogs these days, but between work, school, and life, I just feel all over the place. Work will die down soon so hopefully so I have more time to enjoy school. As for life, meh, my heart is still beating so I guess I exist.
I guess b/p is off and on these days. Some days are bad, some days are good, some days I don’t eat much to begin with. I haven’t had time to go to the gym none the less tanning. With my busted up finger, who knows when I will go again. Hopefully my finger will heal quickly….I like to think I am fairly superhuman when it comes to pain and healing.
Meh, maybe a glass of wine a night, but there have been nights I don’t feel like having any, mostly because I have homework to do. I don’t have much time to enjoy myself these days. Maybe thats a good thing, because honestly I don’t really know what I would do for fun these days after strained friendships. Haha, maybe go hike the mountains on the east coast.
I’m sorry peeps. I am not a normal depressed, it’s more of a weird sadness. It is a sense of loss or like something is coming to an end and I can’t stop it. It’s probably a good thing. I have always considered myself like a virus. I do not know if I still believe that, but I definitely suck the life out of people. Well, I have homework to do so I had better go. Be good to yourselves, I will try.
It was another partially stressful day. I think I am making it known to my partner I will not partake in her crap anymore. I was trying to be passively aggressive but I think I may have been more aggressively passive if that makes any sense. Either way, she has some other girls not talking to me now, which is fine, because she is pretty much a 60 year bitter hag and if other young girls want to follow suit, that is fine. I am working in a different area half the time now anyways where I work with a guy who just minds his own business and is nice to me, so I consider it a win. Eventually they will see how negatively they are feeling and who the trigger is, if not, than they will become just as bitter.
Even though I am getting on the right track state of mind, I still had a pretty rough day with the b/p since I let my partner get to me. Even though I stood up to her its still stressful to always have my guard up. I need to start getting better at brushing her off now that I am working in other areas. Gawd, if only people knew how much I could b/p in a day, its quite disgusting really.
Tomorrow I will try to write more, I am finishing up making some soup right now. Tomorrow will probably be worst than today, but maybe I can use that to my advantage somehow, like keeping busy so I don’t b/p maybe if I can handle that. I don’t know much anymore. I am okay but just trying to figure all this shit out.
A long ass day is all I can say. I worked over 10 hours today, which is good. I haven’t been getting a full forty hours lately because I dread being around my partner, but in the new building I will be learning Receiving on top of my Shipping so I am excited, there is a huge garage door that separates her from I. I just want to be able to enjoy my job again, I am proud to be a part of the company. Our company recently made front page for being the next leader in town next to Microsoft…which is funny because we are right in front of their building LOL. I want the feeling of dreading work to go away, maybe it will now. I just know every time I am in the same room as my partner my guard is up. Too be the age she is and that shallow is sad, or maybe she is just that insecure, either way, I think everyone needs to work on themselves. We all have faults, its recognizing them and trying to better them that makes a person superior in my eyes.
I watched a pretty good movie last night….I did not go to bed as early as planned because I took an accidental nap and than was wide awake. “As above, so below,” it was very interesting to me and it is something I will have to watch again to take in the full symbolism.
Well, I am going to go watch some tv and relax. I was literally all over the place today. I am watching some friends cats this week so have to go back and fourth to MN to give one his pills morning and night. Its just a mess at work right now. I did get snarky with my partner and I think she took the hint. I don’t like being like that, but I am not okay with people walking all over me either. YAWWWNNZZZZ….sorta. Goodnight everyone! I will hopefully have more time to write tomorrow. I am doing okay, just am so busy right now. Peace.
Everyone needs to have meaning in their lives in order to live, otherwise everyday has only the goal of survival. For some people this meaning is to save others by becoming a doctor, or to spread knowledge to children by becoming teachers, for some it is being a mom and raising a child who can make a difference in the world. I keep telling myself I want to live and I try to think of goals I can make but nothing seems sufficient. My main goal is to work on myself which I am doing, I just don’t know what I am working towards. Yeah I am taking classes to get my psychology degree, then what? I get paid to listen to individuals problems by the hour? Where is the change in that? And how can I help people if I can barely seem to help myself?
I am trying to figure out where I want to be headed with these blogs these days. I know I started them because I was going to document staying sober and working on my eating disorder, however, I have discovered so much of myself since then. I have grown to have a good amount of followers, to me, 46 is a lot. I just do not know where I am supposed to go from here. My readers all know everything about me. I have kept no secrets from my readers and have tried my best to have everyone understand the chain of events that have persisted throughout my life. I feel like there is some sort of chapter that is right there in front of me that I am not seeing. Is the longing to make a difference somewhere just part of mania mixed with ego? Is the inadequacy I am feeling just another part of my insecurities? Mentally I feel old. Maybe that heaviness will fade away when I have a couple more hypnotherapy sessions.
I have been trying to meditate a little each day. I am starting to think maybe I was not molested as much as I thought I was, or maybe I am telling myself that to fool myself. It’s not like it really matters either way, but the idea that maybe I wasn’t fucked repeatedly by my babysitters husband for years and instead it was only like maybe five times, for some reason, makes me feel a little better. Granted, even if it was only once, thats one too many. There were still the other boys too I guess, but really they were just kids too. It does not bother me much these days though, I wish I could draw the pictures I see in my head. They are starting to fade away like ashes though. I wish I could show my readers everything I see in my mind, there are times its quite beautiful.
This weekend was not the best for b/p but I guess if I keep food down most of the time then I shouldn’t be too overly hard on myself. This is something I really need to work on harder. After all, if I do plan on living, I should make sure my body stays alive.
I should stop being such a downer. Yeah life has been hard but for the moment it isn’t terrible. There is a female carrier whom I always bragged about being so badass. She literally carried mail till she gave birth, if I bragged about carriers I would often think of her. She gave birth earlier this year, around April I believe, and found out a couple months later that she had breast cancer. I guess by the time she found out it was stage three it had already spread to her lymph nodes. Life really ticks me off sometimes. And then theres people who have to cause a scene because they cut their foot a little…its the ones who stay quiet who are going through the most.
What I am Doing for Myself Today
I am eating a lot of veggies today to get my digestive system going again. I am not sure how much b/p effects it since I still digest fairly easy, I just want to make sure to get it going regardless by eating a lot of fresh veggies. I have my chiropractor today, I will try to get to the gym today also if I have time. I will enjoy some good reading of my psychology while cuddling with the fur balls tonight. I want to be in bed by 9.
Well peeps, its been real. (I sound so cool) I feel like I hit a new chapter and am just lost as to where it is going. When I ended with my blog of Life Comes in 3’s, it felt like an ending to a book. Now I feel like I am on the next book and that is to find the meaning of my life where as the first was trying to understand my past. I feel like my answers are literally RIGHT IN FRONT of me. I’ll figure it out, I always do. I am a survivor. I am headed out now, everyone have a great day! Be thankful for the day, even if it is storming or whatnot. Be good to yourself, I promise I will be to myself today.