I have a deathly fear of insects. I have not always been this way. In fact I recall when I was seven and not being afraid at all. I was playing outside our camper one day (we had no home at this time so had to stay in a camper while my parents looked for a place to stay). One day I saw one of the “neighbors” outside in her garden (just a little one, she lived in a trailer also and had been there awhile) so I went to go say hi. She had a strange look on her face of fear so I asked what was wrong and she pointed towards her tomatoes. I looked down and there was a striped spider in a web on her tomatoes. Since she was afraid I said I would take it out and as I was about to she grabbed me and said it was a poisonous spider and to never touch it. I do not think I even understood what poisonous was at the time, just that it really scared her. Later on, we had found a house to rent. My toys were kept in the basement and I was playing one day with my barbies. I remember I felt something weird and looked down and there was a big striped spider crawling up me, it was close enough I could see all it’s eyes. I ran up the stairs screaming for my dad, he could not find it but I never went down to the basement alone again. I know my fear is completely environmental, whether or not there was a pinpoint of when it started I do not know. I recall also my brothers leaving me outside with bees after telling me they would sting me. Either way, my phobia has only become worst over the years.

I have a weird fear of fans. This is something that I have had since before my parents and I can remember. It is not every fan, more specifically bathroom fans I am able to see. The ones that freak me out the most are when they are the metal ones. However my parents and I can remember me being so afraid of using the bathroom in the camper because of the little white fan on the vent. I am somewhat okay with the camper fans as long as I do not look at them, they make me uneasy but that is about it. However if there is a fan in a bathroom I can see such as a gas station or old bathroom in a restaurant or store, I will have full blown anxiety. There is a humorous story with this phobia. One time when I was living in Bismarck my sister and mom came to visit me. We decided to go thrift shopping (because honestly thrift shopping is awesome!). Well one of the stores we went to was in an older building and I ended up having to use the bathroom. When I went to the restrooms I looked up and there was the most uncomfortable fan in a really tall ceiling. I felt my anxiety jump but figured I would go to the next one. There was a fan in this bathroom as well, however this ceiling was not as high but it caused my anxiety to jump a little more. I told my mom and sister I would wait, but then I really had to go. So my mom told my sister to come in with me. It took me forever to go in the bathroom, the fan was running which made everything worst. When my sister and I both got in she slowly shut the door, I wouldn’t let her close it fast. All of a sudden the lights shut off ( I am deathly afraid darkness) so I screamed my lungs out and flew out the door, luckily it was unlocked still. I remember I couldn’t breath and I felt very hot and lightheaded. I looked at my sister and she had the weirdest look of concern and humor on her face….and also a bit of “what the fuck just happened.” With all good intentions she had turned the light switch off thinking it would turn the fan off, instead it turned the lights and fan both off. I hyperventilated for a good 15 minutes, maybe more. I remember people were looking at me weird. I ended up going to the McDonalds across the street to use the bathroom. I do not know where this fear came from. I have asked my parents if anything has ever happened to me involving a fan but they cannot think of anything.

Another fear I have is of the dark. I feel this is a fairly normal fear as throughout history man has created fire for light at night. I do sleep in the dark but I always need to have some sort of light source on in the kitchen I can walk to. If I am going into a dark room I have to close my eyes. I have had many nightmares of being stuck in the dark. Red lights in the dark creep me out even more.

Any of these fears can cause me to feel like a kid again. I feel as defenseless as a scared little child. I can feel my moods change when this happens and my mind feels trapped. I know this is the BPD. I know that since I started experiencing a lot of abuse at a very young age my mind is still chemically imbalanced and is maturing at a slower rate when it comes handling fear, if at all. I do not know if this will ever change.


 

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