Bacon, eggs, and coffee, what better way to start a Sunday morning. I will be helping my daughters parents paint their basement, I can see myself making a mess.

I really need to start thinking about what I am going to do next May when my lease is up. I don’t feel safe in my neighborhood. It’s not a safe place for a single female. There is a lot of drug use and a lot of public intoxication, also no cameras at all. There are a lot of parties and fights. I suppose I should be used to this kind of life. I have always been garbage and lived around garbage. I don’t know, I suppose in a way I feel I deserve better. I just cannot afford it. My income can only get me so much in this stupid city. Unless you have money you will most likely live in the kinds of neighborhoods I do. I suppose this is becoming normal all over these days. I cannot exactly move away because I get instate tuition here. I do not know where I would go anyways, I have my support system here. Considering I have never really felt I had that in my life, I will not let it go. I have a consolidation loan that is what kills my finances every month. I had to put it on a 3 year so my payments are 33% of my income, plus a car loan, insurance, rent, electric, phone, internet, and basic necessities, there is not much left over. I needed to do that to get all my debt taken care of. I started this in June, so I have a lot way to go. I suppose I can get something a little nicer in May, but than I am going absolutely nowhere with trying to get ahead on finances. I just feel trapped. I feel trapped in the world where society says I belong but long for the safe world that I have come to realize exists. I just don’t feel good enough. When I was younger I always wished I could have grown up in one place. Everyone talks about their “home” where they grew up, I don’t have that. I have always moved around. I honestly think I could have done really well in life if I would have had a privileged stable upbringing. I know I have always been smart enough. I just have never had the opportunity. I can say similarly the same thing now, if I had a stress free home environment and didn’t have to worry about finances or work, how far ahead could I get? I suppose that is my life though. It could have been worst, I could have been born into trafficking or a war torn country. Either way, I was never meant to live an easy life. I just wonder who got to choose this, who gets to choose those who have it easy versus those who are decided to be garbage? Is this life all one big science project for an egotistical asshole called god? I do not think there is a god actually, not the way people often think of him. It’s just nature. It’s no different than a dog being born to purebred dogs with rich owners versus being born to mutts on a reservation. Its just luck, and luck often times sucks for a majority of the people. My daughters life could have been bad luck, I chose to give her a good life though. There are a lot of choices that could have been made to have given me a better life, I just have this weird sense that my life was already planned out before I was even born. I suppose that could be the chemical imbalance talking. I feel the whole point of my life so far has been for my daughter. My life has been so fucked up so I could be fucked up, in turn getting knocked up and giving my daughter a better life, making her parents life whole. I believe my daughter will do amazing things. I suppose in a way I was just the carrier. That is okay, I was happy being a carrier.

Advertisements