Everyone needs to have meaning in their lives in order to live, otherwise everyday has only the goal of survival. For some people this meaning is to save others by becoming a doctor, or to spread knowledge to children by becoming teachers, for some it is being a mom and raising a child who can make a difference in the world. I keep telling myself I want to live and I try to think of goals I can make but nothing seems sufficient. My main goal is to work on myself which I am doing, I just don’t know what I am working towards. Yeah I am taking classes to get my psychology degree, then what? I get paid to listen to individuals problems by the hour? Where is the change in that? And how can I help people if I can barely seem to help myself?
I am trying to figure out where I want to be headed with these blogs these days. I know I started them because I was going to document staying sober and working on my eating disorder, however, I have discovered so much of myself since then. I have grown to have a good amount of followers, to me, 46 is a lot. I just do not know where I am supposed to go from here. My readers all know everything about me. I have kept no secrets from my readers and have tried my best to have everyone understand the chain of events that have persisted throughout my life. I feel like there is some sort of chapter that is right there in front of me that I am not seeing. Is the longing to make a difference somewhere just part of mania mixed with ego? Is the inadequacy I am feeling just another part of my insecurities? Mentally I feel old. Maybe that heaviness will fade away when I have a couple more hypnotherapy sessions.
I have been trying to meditate a little each day. I am starting to think maybe I was not molested as much as I thought I was, or maybe I am telling myself that to fool myself. It’s not like it really matters either way, but the idea that maybe I wasn’t fucked repeatedly by my babysitters husband for years and instead it was only like maybe five times, for some reason, makes me feel a little better. Granted, even if it was only once, thats one too many. There were still the other boys too I guess, but really they were just kids too. It does not bother me much these days though, I wish I could draw the pictures I see in my head. They are starting to fade away like ashes though. I wish I could show my readers everything I see in my mind, there are times its quite beautiful.
This weekend was not the best for b/p but I guess if I keep food down most of the time then I shouldn’t be too overly hard on myself. This is something I really need to work on harder. After all, if I do plan on living, I should make sure my body stays alive.
I should stop being such a downer. Yeah life has been hard but for the moment it isn’t terrible. There is a female carrier whom I always bragged about being so badass. She literally carried mail till she gave birth, if I bragged about carriers I would often think of her. She gave birth earlier this year, around April I believe, and found out a couple months later that she had breast cancer. I guess by the time she found out it was stage three it had already spread to her lymph nodes. Life really ticks me off sometimes. And then theres people who have to cause a scene because they cut their foot a little…its the ones who stay quiet who are going through the most.
What I am Doing for Myself Today
I am eating a lot of veggies today to get my digestive system going again. I am not sure how much b/p effects it since I still digest fairly easy, I just want to make sure to get it going regardless by eating a lot of fresh veggies. I have my chiropractor today, I will try to get to the gym today also if I have time. I will enjoy some good reading of my psychology while cuddling with the fur balls tonight. I want to be in bed by 9.
Well peeps, its been real. (I sound so cool) I feel like I hit a new chapter and am just lost as to where it is going. When I ended with my blog of Life Comes in 3’s, it felt like an ending to a book. Now I feel like I am on the next book and that is to find the meaning of my life where as the first was trying to understand my past. I feel like my answers are literally RIGHT IN FRONT of me. I’ll figure it out, I always do. I am a survivor. I am headed out now, everyone have a great day! Be thankful for the day, even if it is storming or whatnot. Be good to yourself, I promise I will be to myself today.