Life is a game of pain and fighting to survive. I do feel very alone these days. With every fake smile I get more exhausted. I suppose I do deserve to feel the way that I do. I really am just a shitty shitty person. I am very selfish, I know. I still have a survival of the fittest type mindset and I do not think that will ever go away. I cannot keep anyone close without hurting them, so why even try anymore? With every cut I gave myself in the past I still feel was well deserved. I have had people tell me otherwise, but in the end, I did deserve it all. I really do think I pissed someone off in my past life. I am not looking for sympathy of any kind, there’s no room for sympathy when karma exists. Am I okay? I don’t really know. I am tired, I know that, even though I have been sleeping. Oh well, karma is a bitch.
It’s been another stressful day. I decided to take a chunk out of my finger today with a tape dispenser. My manager took me to the clinic. I lost a decent amount of blood but there was no way to stitch my finger since the meat was gone, so I pretty much had to keep having the doctors bandage me till no more blood soaked through. They gave me a weird looking gauze bandage thing on my flesh, they said it will dissolve into my finger. They bandaged it up pretty good and put it in a splint. The doctor gave me some numbing shots, however that is fading away so I am starting to feel a fair amount of aching, which I am sure will hurt more. I also had a tetanus shot which always feels amazing. I didn’t eat much today…actually I only had a couple Atkins shakes, so I feel nauseous and lightheaded. I have some seasoned chicken thighs cooking. I ended up going back to work after the doctor, but I got disoriented a little so was told to go home. I want the hours now that I am learning a different area. I was enjoying being at work today.
It has not been my day at all. I feel like anywhere I go I just fuck up. I do not want to feel emotions, they only bring heartache. I just need to work and forget any feelings I have. Sometimes the less I feel means the less others get hurt. I was almost at the point that I thought I deserved to be happy, but the reality is, is that I am honestly just too fucked up to have any sort of healthy, loving, and caring relationship. Some people are meant to be alone. I am tired of always putting on a smile, it’s exhausting.
I wish I could have better blogs these days, but between work, school, and life, I just feel all over the place. Work will die down soon so hopefully so I have more time to enjoy school. As for life, meh, my heart is still beating so I guess I exist.
I guess b/p is off and on these days. Some days are bad, some days are good, some days I don’t eat much to begin with. I haven’t had time to go to the gym none the less tanning. With my busted up finger, who knows when I will go again. Hopefully my finger will heal quickly….I like to think I am fairly superhuman when it comes to pain and healing.
Meh, maybe a glass of wine a night, but there have been nights I don’t feel like having any, mostly because I have homework to do. I don’t have much time to enjoy myself these days. Maybe thats a good thing, because honestly I don’t really know what I would do for fun these days after strained friendships. Haha, maybe go hike the mountains on the east coast.
I’m sorry peeps. I am not a normal depressed, it’s more of a weird sadness. It is a sense of loss or like something is coming to an end and I can’t stop it. It’s probably a good thing. I have always considered myself like a virus. I do not know if I still believe that, but I definitely suck the life out of people. Well, I have homework to do so I had better go. Be good to yourselves, I will try.