Hey guys, so as usual, a late post for the weekend. It was a good relaxing weekend. I really do not want to go to work tomorrow but I suppose I need to pay bills…not rich yet. If I were rich though, I wonder where I would end up. Would I stay in this shitty town going downhill fast or would I end up on the north eastern coast somewhere? If I was rich enough I could regularly hop onto a private jet and come back whenever I missed my daughter and her parents I suppose maybe. Although maybe I wouldn’t need to much, I am not her mom, she does not need me like she would need a real mom. I will never be able to afford something safe around here, not unless it leaves me with no way to get ahead financially. I suppose that is a way that having a significant other is handy, two incomes. Reality is that I am stuck living in this neighborhood that has a good chance of becoming even worst the next few years or waste so much money on an apartment in a decent area that drains me and leaves me with no way to get ahead. I know I have talked about this before but when I was looking at apartments, decent ones that were in safe places and on the cheaper end had non refundable pet deposits up 500-1000$ per pet. I will not get rid of mine. And that is looking at apartments that will consider me because there are income guidelines that they will not rent more than 1/3 of a persons income, which can put me about a couple hundred more than what I pay, but than that can make it tight with my loan I pay that I took out to consolidate all my bad debt. So I can take the chance and wait to pay off that loan in the next 2.5 years and hope this area doesn’t get too much worst than it is, and if it does, I suppose just deal. I have been in worst areas. I need to stay around here for school. It’s funny though, because with all the times I have actually lived in bad areas, this is the first place I have felt that sense of danger. I will be lucky if I ever became even lower middle class. If I can’t have wealth, I would at least like to be poor somewhere safe.
Hmm…It was a relaxing day, but something feels off. I really do not want to go to work tomorrow. Oh well, I am used to dealing I suppose. What is one more day of going to that place? It is literally the best around here for no degree, I suppose in that sense I should be happy. There is still that feeling like I am missing something though.
It was a very relaxing, easy going day. I woke up feeling good. I dyed my hair back to black and had my morning coffee while video chatting with my daughters parents before I went over and made breakfast at their place. I finished all my homework that was due today so literally just relaxed. They had family come and pick apples off their apple tree so Bailey got to meet other people and run around a lot in the nice cool fresh air all day. I donated plasma today and we all had Chinese for dinner. Our daughter wouldn’t sleep so we spent about an hour riding on the interstate trying to get her to fall asleep….it didn’t work, although it may have worked on her dad a little. So that was literally the entire day, just relaxing and chilling.
This is how Bailey and I both feel tonight so this one will be short. It was a good day. I am starting to get deeper into my mind. Well, I will go Netflix and chill for a while before I hit the bed. I cannot say the same for my daughter and her mom though, I wish my daughters parents the best. Goodnight everyone.
I had a fairly hungover feeling all morning. Last night I was exhausted and was in bed by 8pm. I feel like I am getting rid of something and the best way I can explain it is drinking tons of water to get rid of a hangover, even though I haven’t been drinking much, and the past three days, not at all. This afternoon I feel pretty good, but still drinking a lot of water.
We all know I went through my first hypnotherapy session yesterday, and maybe this was part of the reason I was exhausted, I am not sure. I went in with doubts, after all, the idea is cool and there is science to back it up, but it is also fairly hard to understand why or how it works, and I am a skeptic on things like that. I went in with the best positive attitude possible though, and was even having doubts, but my daughters mom assured me it was something I needed to try.
When I first went in, I was actually fairly calm. My head had been silent all morning, like a weird content silent. It’s a rarity this ever happens. When I went in the therapists office the first thing I noticed was I felt warm and comfortable. I was trying to pick out my surroundings but there was a lot while at the same time not much at all. She was also talking a bit so I didn’t get a good chance to look around but I don’t think I really minded either because I felt safe. She introduced herself and the basics of hypnotherapy. I had already been kinda brushing up on it so sorta knew what she was explaining but I liked that she wanted to make me feel as comfortable as possible. She also said she really liked my blog and it was very helpful. I do admit I let my ego feel good when she said she liked it and talked about how great my writing was. She got to the point of what she wanted to help me with fairly quickly.
So, I have always been fairly aware of what goes on in my mind but I have honestly never really laid it out and put the pieces together. In fact, I haven’t even gone back really to read any of my blogs. I get weirded out when I read about myself. Anyways, she had a whiteboard hanging on the wall to the left of me with my mind all mapped out. It was really interesting to look at because she looked at each of my blogs and put the pieces together of where anxiety, loneliness, devastation, and all the words I have used in my blogs were mentioned. I honestly had a hard time remembering some of my blogs till she started reading them and I was like “oh yeah!” It got me to thinking maybe my readers have been seeing the other side of me that I so desperately have been trying to hide. As she was explaining her map of my mind (very good indeed) I started getting this pressure in the front of my head, like right between my eyes. It was weird looking at myself from that point of view. So when she got done explaining her plan she wanted to start right away. I felt a little nervous and a bit weirded out to be honest, after all, I was still having those doubts. Any psychologist could map out my mind and how everything connects, however, what she wanted to do was still a bit out there to me and I was still a little skeptical. I trusted her though. She had me recline on a chair and put my feet. She was talking as she went to turn off the lights and to turn on a dim light. As she was doing so she was telling me to relax and it was so weird, because as she was walking around I instantly felt my body go into that sensation that I get before I try to get into that place between wake and sleep. I was a bit hesitant to close my eyes but she said to take all the time I needed. I felt safe so I let them close. She kept talking about how to relax and to feel the energy flow through me. She had me feel the energy flow through the top of me on down. I could feel my left leg tingle the most and the tips of my fingers. She eventually took my left hand and put it onto my stomach, that was weird. When I try now, I can lift my hand by the wrist, and even though I am trying to relax my hand, I still feel some resistance. When she did it at that moment to both, it was as if they were floppy. She put them onto my tummy and told me to feel them, which I did. What she did next was crazy but cool. She told me she was going to move her hands over me but not touch me. She wanted me to feel her energy, and crazy thing is, is that I did! She said we all have energies and I really felt hers. She kept talking calmly to me and eventually counted down, with every number she wanted me to focus on certain energy points in my body. And I guess after that, I was in a trance, however, still aware. It was as if I was in that place between wake and sleep that I like to go. It does get a little blurry here. The first one was easy, she asked about my brother and his wife when I was kicked out. She wanted me to think about how I felt and to drain the energy. I honestly cannot remember much of that one other than she had me pinpoint where it hurt in my body and to drain it out. This one went fairly quickly. The second one, however, was a bit on the harder side to reach. She asked me to think of what age I truly felt abandoned. She said a number would pop into my head but it wouldn’t. First I saw purple swirls, and than this weird blackness, than white shapes like neurons. I wasn’t able to get there. Eventually she said something else and right away the image of me cowering behind a couch came to surface. When I think about it now, this should have been the obvious time because this is the time that always pops in my head when I think about to back than. This is the time that I always say “well it happened before because I knew what to do.” I have also thought I knew what to do because it happened many times, but maybe it only happened once and I was smart enough to know what was going to happen? I have to think on this. Either way, she had me pinpoint where the pain was coming from. I know this took awhile because I think I had trouble finding it. I know when I was finding it the man started walking out of the bathroom. It was a weird feeling when I was able to pinpoint the anxiety and abandonment, because she had me focus to where I was feeling it, which I remember one place was in my heart and she guided me while I drained it away. I think it took a bit. I could feel the energy going out my leg. It was like in spurts, I had to keep on pushing it out but if I recall correctly, there was something blocking letting it fully out. I saw the man walking the girl to the bedroom and she asked me what I felt that was so bad that I wasn’t able to let it go. Eventually I thought of the toy gun, I have mentioned this before I think, I am not sure. I think the toy gun was in this event also, even though I have always thought of them to be separate. When she asked again for me to focus this energy and what I felt so guilty about, I realized it was because I wanted to kill him. I wanted that gun to be real so bad so I could kill him. She explained to me that I had a good heart and I felt guilty about this because I would never want to hurt anyone. Honestly, these words make me tear up a little now, because she is right. I pinpointed where these negative emotions were and drained them away. She then had me find the little girl again whom was behind the couch and to hold her. She wanted me to keep telling her how much I loved her and how she was going to survive. She survived it all and she will be okay. I than took her into my arms and held her. Than I was told to let her inside and when I did, I felt my whole chest become warm, I felt the love of her inside my heart. It was similar to the same love and warmth I receive from my daughter. And then she was gone. When I think about it now, the couch is empty, the bathroom is empty, the bed is empty. I see it, but it is all like an abandoned image. Maybe there is more there waiting, I do not know, but for the first time, I held that little girl I left behind and told her I loved her. This makes me cry now actually, because with how smart I am, I have never thought to help her by simply loving and protecting her, none the less reassuring her she will survive. After this, we went into something else I think, but I cannot really remember. I felt like I was almost sleeping but the next thing I knew the hypnotherapist was counting to wake me up. I had to ask her if I was sleeping but she said I responded to everything she asked and I was told to do. I am still trying to process a lot of it. After that I felt in a weird haze for a couple hours. Like that feeling of waking up and needing coffee. Except I had coffee, and I was very hungry so I ate. I felt weird all day and than became very exhausted, thus why I did not blog much last night. After I woke up, we obviously talked about what happened. She mentioned when I was trying to get to the girl behind the couch there was a dark shadow that was in my midsection. When I felt that warmth in my heart she watched the dark shadow flow away. She said this shadow, whatever it was, was bad and was going to make me really sick very soon. What stood out to me about this was I felt I was about to get strep or a bad cold yesterday morning. I went to my daughters mom’s home complaining about this. Everyone else has been sick and I get strep a lot. What was strange, however, is I was not sick at all after the session. My throat was fine. Maybe it was a dry throat that hurt, who knows. It was just a bit coincidental was all. I felt in that weird haze for a couple hours after my session and than felt exhausted and went to bed early.
I did not b/p today. I did purge a little, however it was some salad and it was because my tummy was really hurting, not an excuse I know, but it’s okay. I didn’t b/p yesterday either. In fact, that little bit of salad today was all I did. We all know I have been trying to eat low carb but I had a hotdog, a little bit of chips (daughter stole them) and some popcorn (daughter stole this too!) along with a couple beers, but I kept it all down. I felt different today. I still feel like I am getting over something, I cannot really pinpoint it though. I went to the gym today and I think I may have ran too hard because that is when I started feeling sick. I felt so light though and like my mind and body were so much lighter. This makes sense between the hypnotherapist and chiropractor. I should be careful on this and steadily work myself back up into shape. I just felt so different was all.
Well, it is late and I would like to get this blog published before midnight, since I publish everyday. I was busy with work and school today, I took my psychology exam. It went okay, I still have an A in the class LOL. I went to the last scrimmage game before the hockey season starts for good. I am taking care of some kitties for friends while they are out of town so went over to their house after the game. It was a busy day but it was good. My main goal for tonight was to at least tell everyone about my session. It was interesting. You all have a great night, it is Friday after all. Be good to yourself, as I am doing to me.
I had my hypnotherapy session today. It was fairly interesting. I am still processing a lot of it so will probably not go into much detail today since I am fairly tired. I went to bed last night at a decent time like I said I would. I am not sure if it’s because I had my first session today, still catching up on sleep, or if its because I donated, but I feel beat and its just a quarter after seven. I have a lot of things on my mind but I wanted to let my readers know that I am okay. My manager gave me the day off work so I didn’t have to worry about that. I kept all my food down today. I will keep this short as I have some homework to do before I go to bed. I have a need to sleep for now.
Enough with the silly stuff now, lets talk serious. “The 100″….seriously the best show I have seen in awhile and its really depriving me of sleep lately. Every night I plan on going to bed at a decent time and every night this show has an OMG ending that I need to start the next episode. So tonight, BED EARLY!
What I Am Doing for Myself
Well, I went to the chiropractor today and honestly feel the best physically than I have in a very long time. I am looking forward to my hypnotherapy appointment tomorrow. Coffee is definitely one of my best friends today. I will go to bed at a decent time tonight. I plan on taking Bailey to the park, after all, he has not seen his friends in awhile. Then maybe I will go on a walk with my daughter, evening is up in the air, but exercise is good! Also because exercise is good and my body feels great I joined the gym yesterday at Anytime Fitness, so there is no excuse I can make such as “I hurt too much,” or “I don’t have time” because its LITERALLY open to me anytime. I plan on signing up for the tanning also, because I love the warmth and sun-kissed look my skin gets. All it really takes is one tanning session. I don’t burn so I just go the max. I feel so much better after tanning and my skin becomes so soft. I am taking my vitamins also for the most part. I think I may re-dye my hair also as its been awhile, maybe go black again.
Well, this is a topic I haven’t really gave much info on lately. For awhile there it was at its normal worstness again, however I have been keeping a lot more food down these days, mainly veggies of course. I know my digestive system is working well though because I am literally going number two every day….or more. Normally tiredness and stress would cause me to b/p more, however I am very tired today but have had 3 chicken salads today and feel good. There is no desire to b/p, theres really no desire for any sweets right now. Even when I do b/p lately, theres no gratification from it, and no real need to do it. I feel a lot lighter these days mentally. I feel a lot of the b/p is habit. I know my body can digest food even without probiotics. It’s all just mental. It’s getting easier though. I think getting on a schedule will help me a lot too with everything.
Hmm, this is a weird one because I think this is sorta habit also. I don’t have a need to drink at all and I haven’t been overly drinking. In fact, I have been sticking with the spiked sparkling waters lately. They are low carb, I think the new Smirnoff one is the best. I do not feel so bloated on it or feel like I am drinking syrup. And they are only 4-5 percent alcohol like a normal beer. I do not think I will drink anything tonight. I need to go to bed and get a good nights sleep.
The last three days have been a bit emotional for me, mainly because I feel like I have gotten a lot off my chest. Even when I don’t feel guilt for something, it’s still hard keeping things inside out of fearing the wrath of being judged. It is hard enough being native, I really don’t feel like giving people more of a reason to find faults in me. I live in a very double-standard christian conservative state. I wish people would just get along and be considerate of others. Hate, drama, gossip, anything negative, it gets exhausting. People live on gossip and drama though, otherwise we wouldn’t have the news and social media. Aside from all that though, I feel good and hopeful.
I kind of just wanted to low key my post today. I honestly do not feel like I have much more to tell of my past other than bits and pieces. I am starting to remember some good moments though like with traveling. I let all the negatives overshadow good moments though. I need to work on that. Maybe if all the negative emotions were drained away than what would be left is happiness. Maybe I experienced more emotions that the average folk so if I drained away the bad than I would have a fairly normal amount of happiness. I don’t know, I don’t really exactly know how hypnotherapy works, just the basics I suppose. I am looking forward to see how it works out.
Well peeps, I just finished lunch and have a bit more work to do. Be good to yourselves as I am doing. I will talk to you tomorrow. 🙂
Death has always been weird to me. I have never been able to express condolences appropriately. When a close uncle found out he had cancer my first words were “well, that’s what he gets for smoking.” I did feel bad but showing sympathy has never been a strong trait of mine. It is also weird to me in the way that for much of my life I was waiting to die. There have been many times where the only reason I am alive today is because I always thought about the risk that if there were a God I would be sent to Hell for killing myself. My Grandma died this past Christmas and there was a lot of pain, anger, and envy. There was pain because I am human and hated the thought of her being gone; there was anger because she should have passed a lot sooner but medicine and her kids kept her alive. I should not say this so cold-heartedly because honestly I would have a hard time letting my mom go too. I could see in her eyes she was very clearly ready to go and when she did there was relief, but still the pain and anger. The envy was something I feel is a bit abnormal. I envied her because she was able to cross over and not worry about Hell existing. I am sure I said it to my daughters mom too many times how much I envied my grandma. It was a really hard winter. But the main point is, I suck at death, and I really am sorry to those I cannot clearly express condolences to. I do feel bad and know how loss feels, I just suck a lot at the expression.
Life comes in 3’s. I have experienced much of what is criticized in women’s rights movements today. I gave birth to the baby of a rape and chose adoption, as any pro-lifer would say is the mysteries of how God works. I am assuming pro-lifers would say this because a couple were able to adopt a baby. Reality is, is that couple would have probably ended up with a child sooner or later, and they actually ended up with two more. I also experienced what it feels like to be at that point where you have only one way out and being pregnant could close the doors that could lead you out of an abusive relationship. I could have chosen adoption again, however his family would have never agreed to it, and they had a lot of money and were a fairly well-known name around the area. I am not trying to make excuses, after all, I have admitted that it was honestly the best thing I could have done for myself, and where I am at today, I know this to be completely true. Abortion is not all what pro-lifers make it out to be. When done in the first six weeks like I had it done, it was literally a little spot, a zygote. This is not saying I agree completely with abortion. I do not believe it should be used as a means of birth control because that is not good for a woman’s body at all. I believe after the second trimester it should definitely be illegal, after all, it is than a baby in my eyes. I still debate on the second trimester. I can understand for medical reasons for sure. However, this post is not to debate my beliefs, but to tell the third of the 3’s, the daughter I have today.
When I got pregnant with my daughter I had moved back to the shitty small town my parents retired to. I was living in a really shitty trailer with really bad water working at a pizza parlor that were both owned by the same guy. He pretty much owned the town. It’s a great way to feel owned when the guy you buy your liquor, food, water, and housing from also pays your paycheck (very minimum wage). Its a dog like feeling, but smart on his end. I was beat down by life in every sense. I went to work at a low paying job that left me just enough money after bills to buy booze and weed. Work was where I ended up meeting the sperm donor, we both liked to drink and smoke so that is pretty much what the whole relationship was. As any drunken depressed uncaring spree will get someone, I found out I was pregnant. There was fear, but also not. I actually barely had the energy to care. I quickly chose adoption because I was too broke to afford another abortion and no way did I want to parent. When I told my parents I was pregnant, they gave me two options, I go to a catholic maternity home in a small desolate town that they found and they would support me, or I don’t and they would have nothing to do with me. My parents have always been great at parenting (sarcasm). My parents thought I would come out of the home a happy catholic woman. I did end up happy in life, however, not because of the home. In fact, I will never step foot in another catholic church again because of them. There is a lot that went on there that I will not dive into as it’s not the point of this blog, however, I got out as soon as I could.
When I got to the maternity home I knew I needed a job, after all, I was having trouble with the sperm donor not signing his rights away. Apparently for adoption sperm donors need to sign away their rights also and not just the birthmother, the problem was he wanted to parent. I think it was at the point where I realized there was a chance I would have to parent that I starting caring about my life. I would never agree to give him custody, after all, he was high on meth pretty consistently. Since I knew there was a chance of parenting I knew I need to find work so I could provide because I did not want to live on welfare. I started work at a local gas station till I could find something better and I eventually found work as a carrier at the post office. Right when I got the post office I left the maternity home, so within a couple months I would say of moving there. I got my own apartment and was getting ahead enough that I could take care of my daughter if I had to. When I started the post office I was around five months pregnant and made sure to keep my head down. I worked as hard as I could during probation. I knew that if the post master found out I was pregnant he would find any small reason to let me go, after all, it would be an inconvenience for him. Probation was 90 working days or 120 days together, whichever came first. When I got pregnant I was 156, with all the walking I did I stayed roughly around that mark, in fact I lost weight a bit, so I didn’t show during probation. I think I was gaining baby weight as I was losing body fat. By month seven I started gaining weight and clearly showed. My postmaster had given me great reviews by than so he really had no valid reason to let me go when he found out, and I explained to him I chose adoption so I wouldn’t need leave. I am not bragging but when I gave birth I was almost 180, two weeks after birth I was 130. I always said Black Chyna had nothing on me.
I worked hard at the post office and gas station till I gave birth. I started loving the shit out of my unborn daughter. The adoption plan was all over the place and it was a long hassle of going back and forth with the sperm donor who kept falling off the grid. Once I got around the 6th month mark my adoption counselor and I decided I needed to start looking at families to at least have an idea who I wanted to choose and to let the potential family know the risks of everything going on. The sperm donor finally signed his rights away the Friday before I was scheduled to meet my daughters parents. Things get hazy here because I went into false labor before I even had a chance to meet them. I say false labor but I was dilating and having contractions less than five minutes apart. I was injected with steroids for my daughters lungs when this first happened and given medicine to stop the contractions. I knew she was going to be early, however at the time, I was barely 7 months along. So the way I met my daughters parents was not the most ideal of ways, they brought me candy though. I like candy. I liked them a lot, however, hated them when my daughter was born a month later.
There is a moment when you hold up your baby onto your bare chest, whom you have loved and talked to throughout your pregnancy, that you realize you would do anything for them. This moment can barely be explained in words other than just love, the purest of loves.
With adoption, this is also the scariest and most painful time as well. I knew that because I loved my baby so much is why I needed to give her up to a family that would provide. I was scared and full of pain, but also relieved from not being pregnant anymore. I remember when my daughters parents came into my hospital room to meet her, I hated them. I had met them before and we had really hit it off, being very into a lot of the same interests and complete wierdos. When the moment came for them to meet my daughter though, all I could do was hate her soon to be mom. I did not want them anywhere close to her. I have often wondered if I have a potent aura, because I seem to give off what I am feeling fairly easy and I’m pretty sure they felt it. I had been very dead set on about the adoption, after all, I knew I was in no position to give my daughter what she needed and deserved. I did not want either of us to depend on welfare. I did not want her to be in daycare with strangers. I wanted her to have a future and an education that didn’t cost her a lifetime of debt. I had spent my pregnancy set on adoption, however when I held her in my arms I could barely fathom letting her go. I looked for every reason to not choose her parents, even the shallowest of reasons. I did not want to say goodbye to my daughter. Those three days I spent in the hospital they spent wondering why they were not good enough. Ironically, it was the opposite. I knew they were better than me and could give my daughter everything I couldn’t. The pain of leaving the hospital without her was pure agony and the only way I was able to handle it was to tell myself I could go and get her anytime and that I just needed the weekend to figure it all out. Inside I knew this to be a lie, but it’s how I coped those next few days. Sometimes I do need to fool myself temporarily to get past emotions. Obviously everything worked out amazing as they are my best friends now, but damn I’m a bitch sometimes.
Life works in 3’s, pregnancy via rape that leads to adoption (a prolifer would say god works in mysterious ways), abortion to get out of a very abusive relationship (prochoicers would say this is a great example) and getting pregnant while waiting to die that in turn woke me up and gave me strength. Personally I feel people need to mind their own business and need to stop being so extreme. There have been no easy paths in my life, however, I do feel stable paths forming.
I apologize if this blog is a bit all over the place, I really tried to piece it together correctly to where it makes sense. In 65 days I have literally told all about my life and who I am. I do feel very healed in many ways but there is still healing left of the little girl I suppose. Well, I suppose I have blogged for two hours so now need to get to work. Have a great day everyone. Be good to yourself.
As I talked before, I told you that I had been impregnated through rape. What came after that was a spiral of mania and fighting to survive. It was mixed emotions after I had gave away the first baby. I say gave away because I did not want her. In the adoption it was decided upon that I would get visits and pictures every so often. I tried to love her, I really did. I could not and still cannot. I suppose there has always been some guilt in this, after all, shouldn’t it be natural? I guess I have never been normal though. After I gave her away I had moved to a small town with my parents where they retired to. I do not do well in small towns, too much sky or something. I didn’t stay there long and ended up moving to the third largest city in NoDak….so…fairly small. It was the first time I was away on my own for real and I was excited. I had so much energy and hope in me. I ended up getting a job at Walmart and started dating a guy. This guy was actually somewhat nice, however, I have a feeling he only dated me because I looked a lot like his ex-wife. Also, he liked sex, but also didn’t, it was weird. After his divorce he partied a lot and slept around. He ended up partying with underage girls and in turn, sleeping with one and getting caught. It didn’t work out well for him. So I can understand his sex deprivation along with his mom continuously telling him he needed to be a good boy…literally those words. So it became a bit awkward when he would sleep with me and then talk about how much of a bad boy he was and needed to go home. It was equally awkward the time he spent the night and his mom was calling him nonstop. Well, this didn’t last too long I guess because he ended up giving me a couple days’ notice that he was moving to California. Not the first time this had happened to me, one of the first guys I dated right after moving to the Bakken managed to give me three days’ notice he was moving to Texas. I literally suck that bad LOL! Anyways, he moved which left me confuzzled and fucked in the head. I actually did okay though, I ended up getting the job at the post office doing overnights and was somewhat paying bills on time. However, I was still lonely, confused, and under mania. I started drinking at this time since I was freshly 21. I partied alone though because I have never been good at making friends, and what friends I did make, honestly made me very uncomfortable. About a year later is when I met my ex I have talked about. I still wish I never would have met him. I did the whole online dating thing and turned out he lived in one of my apartment complex buildings. Of course I thought this was fate. Too bad for me for being naive and stupid. The first couple weeks were okay, however, by the second week I knew I didn’t like him at all. I have mentioned previously that I broke up with him but then he broke down and told me how much he loved me. Oh the naivety of that stupid girl I was. If I never would have taken him back I would have kept my job at the post office and would have been career. Instead I let him convince me to quit because he could provide. Oh well, he didn’t. Ironically when money was tight, I ended up filling out an application for him for the post office and taking the tests for him so he got the job. As every relationship built upon bad foundation does, it quickly became a toxic rollercoaster. It was continuous fighting, leaving and moving back, physical and mental abuse. I cannot say it was only him, as I was crazy also, however I can say he packed the hardest beating, I’m sorta little. I have always wished I was stronger. This went on for a good two years. We often moved and often drank. I was constantly moving in and out. I feel bad for my cats I had during this time. I had them my whole life. He would purposely hurt one because it upset me. Even though they were 18 when I had to put them down, I do feel they could have lasted longer if I never would have met him. Eventually I gave the cats to my parents to watch. My ex ended up getting two new ones, one whom he had given to me. It was a tuxedo kitty whom I named Ichabod, after Ichabod Crane. My ex was not nice to him at all. He would purposely hurt him and try to drown him. It would often bring back many flashbacks. I eventually grew up enough strength to move out for good. When I finally did this however, I learned I was pregnant. Oh, the irony, of finally having the strength to get on your feet from an abusive relationship and then having a positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t handle it. I hated him and he hated me. We got an abortion, and although many would criticize me for this (not him of course) I do not regret it at all. Maybe for a little while I did afterwards, however, I am not sure how much of that guilt was fearing the disappointment of others versus disappointment in myself that I let myself get in such a fucked up part of life. I did not want to be pregnant again. The first pregnancy I had was very traumatic. I have never wanted kids and definitely did not want to go through the experience of pregnancy again. I did not want to feel trapped in an abusive relationship when I was finally getting myself out. I did what I had to do. For the most part, everything ended there. When I ended up leaving him for good right after that, he sent me a picture of Ichabod choked by his collar. I broke down pretty hard after that. I suppose this was the beginning of my full blown mania that wouldn’t go away for a good couple years. During this time is when I fully gave up and was just waiting to die. For some, having an abortion would seem like the worst thing I have ever done. To me, it is the best thing I have ever done for myself. What would come after these years of turmoil and spiraling out of control is the daughter I have today, who literally saved my life.
Life comes in 3’s, first-getting pregnant through rape which was nothing but hate, anger, and disgust, second- having an abortion and being very relieved and happy that I was finally able to say goodbye to the asshole for good.
I have always done what I needed to to survive. I do not pretend to be a good person, after all, being a good person can conflict with survival. Although, I am starting to get into a place in life where I do not feel the need to survive as much as I feel the need to live. I am in a good place now in life, I am working on my mind and body as well as almost spiritual, just not in a sense of god. I do hope my readers do not judge me too harshly, as reading back throughout my history can explain why I did what I have done. I have forgiven myself and others for a lot. I just need to take care of that little girl inside of me. Well, I had better get to work. I feel good today. Everyone be good to yourselves, I am trying. Goodbye.