Month: October 2018

Breath, just Breath

UGH GAWD, Tomorrow is FINALLY Friday. Its always a good day when I clock out on a Thursday with 39 hours. Gawd. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have schoolwork. I suppose this is the life I wanted though, right? It was literally NONSTOP all day. I went to go visit my daughter and her parents after work today. Her dads dad had surgery today and wasn’t doing so well after it. There is so much going on these days. I crashed pretty fast and hard right after I posted last night. My daughter gives me strength to keep on pushing on but damn, it’s like theres barely room to breath. Well, tomorrow is payday, I am getting my finances figured out, I promise myself all this stress won’t be in vain. I have my goals I am working towards. As for now, Goodnight, I am fighting for a good future and need my sleep.


I’m Trying

Here comes the pain…maybe. I took my probiotic this morning and an hour later ate a salad. I need to start being better to my tummy. I need to be better to myself actually. I know I am like a broke robot, I say the same thing over and over.

Well, I was hopeful this morning but it ended up being another b/p day. Gawd, I was doing so well. Why is sugar so addictive? Why is the b/p so comforting? Its like I am watching myself from the outside do the same cycle over and over again.

I like when I clock out on a Wednesday with almost 30 hours. I have been busting my butt with work and school work but theres no hockey this weekend and I am past midterms so hopefully life with settle down for a week or so. I need to start balancing out my life. Pssh…I am sure I sound like a broken clock by this point. I am trying though, I really am.


Wasn’t I cute?

It is weird to look at my baby and toddler pictures. Like damn, how could life go so wrong?

Good Night

Ethical Contemplating

For Ethics this past week we had to contemplate whether or not assisted suicide should be legal and if so, to what extent. Many of my classmates said it was okay to let someone die if they were in misery health wise but not mental, but could not really give an explanation as to why. There were also many who said that people who commit suicide have mental issues and should seek professional help. I am thinking many of my classmates don’t realize how near impossible it is to get quality health care when you can’t afford health insurance. Also, many people who  grew up in unstable poor homes are often times the ones who need the mental health care the most. The reality is though that our country is beyond broke and programs that can help the poor are over booked so it got me to brainstorming a solution for those wanting to die. First, make assisted suicide legal but in a five part program mode.

Step 1: A person who is suicidal goes into the doctor and says they are ready to die. The doctor books an appointment four months out to be put to sleep and also an appointment for mental therapy. The patient and doctor go over health and mental questionnaires, the main stuff we all know who have been to a doctor for any sort of mental healthcare. Of course there will be pamphlets on support groups and whatnot.

2. About a month later there will be an appointment to go over the reality of death, the permanency and what happens to the body in death. Another health and mental screening will be done, not that it overly matters since the patient will still have free will. It is mainly just a check up and to have the patient be self aware of how they are doing.

3. The next month another appointment will happen, this one to go over spiritual beliefs. This is to not have someone “find god,” or any of that, but to find oneself. Whether one believes in god, spirits, or nothing, everyone should know where their spiritual beliefs lie before death.

4. The next meeting will be another month later, this will be done with family and friends. It is not necessarily an intervention, but a time to let all loved ones know what is coming and to prepare. Ideally suicide would have already been brought up, but in case it hasn’t, it forces reality to come out. This is also to help words come out so people are not left with words to say but no one to say them to because the person who they are for is dead. It is also a time for the suicidal person to see who all they are impacting before they die.

5. The fourth and last meeting will be done a month later. By this time, a person has had four months to contemplate. They know what happens to their bodies, they have hopefully come to terms with their beliefs, and their loved ones have had time to prepare. Their last appointment they can die being surrounded by loved ones or they can  choose to live and go to their therapy appointment that was scheduled. I think having an exact date of death will help people from making a rash decision to blow their heads off. I do not think anyone really wants to go out that way, but when you are in a depressive mindset, the pain seems never ending. This way however, an end date is known so maybe rash decisions won’t be made.

This is not to try to encourage people to commit suicide, but to get them down to reality. It also gives loved ones a chance to say goodbye and hopefully have closure. It also protects loved ones from finding their daughter, son, sibling, parent, or any other loved one dead in a gruesome sort of way. It gives time for a therapy session to be made. If the person still deicides to go through with the suicide, more than likely they would have killed themselves sooner or later. At least a loved one will not have to have that brutal image in their minds for the rest of their lives.

Well, I thought my last weeks ethics was interesting so I thought I would share it with everyone. This assignment did cause me to brainstorm upon the matter.

Today was a long rough day. My finger is all good though except for the outer layer of skin forming. All my restrictions have been taken off, I am going to miss my doctor.  I ran around nonstop today. I am waiting to hear that I screwed up somewhere. I keep feeling like I am forgetting something. I have been feeling like I have forgotten something for a couple weeks now. Maybe it is just stress and waiting to forget something.

BLAHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGG! Well…thats all for today folks….I am going to watching a show or something and than hit the hay! Also…this morning our coffee machine wasn’t working….I didn’t get coffee till almost 9am. It was a sad….sluggish….morning. Tea just doesn’t do the trick at times. Goodnight everyone!

Bomb Diggity

Fat Louie, Mr. Cooper

Just Keep on Going

The only guarantee we have in life is death. No one is promised love, equality, rights, or warmth. It is almost a sick game of luck we played before this life. Maybe we played sticks and the shortest stick got the ideal life.

My tummy had a rough day. Since I haven’t been going number two because of a crappy week of binging and purging I decided to take a laxative, because once I was keeping food down again it felt like it was just getting stuck and my tummy couldn’t digest. This hurt a lot and bad enough I was vomiting also. I need to start taking my probiotics again. I feel everything taking a greater toll on my body. Oh well, it is a process.

Today was a busy day. Bailey didn’t get to go to his daycare because I didn’t realize he needed a shot to protect him against kennel cough. I got a little annoyed at first but than told myself they are just trying to protect the pups from a contagious disease. I did feel bad for him a little because he started getting excited when he heard the other pups and than we had to leave which he seemed fairly disappointed. I made an appointment for him on Friday to get situated with the vet my cats. I have been meaning to get him all settled in but just haven’t gotten around to it so I suppose now is the time. So hopefully he will start on Monday.

I am trying to keep my head up. I have made it past midterms so that is good. I am over halfway done with the semester, and still have an A and two B’s…however one of those B’s is in speech and the professor hasn’t graded any assignments other than what is automatically computer graded for quizzes, I feel like I should have an A after its all graded. I will soon be able to sign up for next semester classes. I am not sure if I want to keep the same workload or to start challenging myself a bit more. Work is steady and evening out now that we are moved. I suppose it all depends on what classes I take, I like to even it out between easier and harder.

Well, I worked over 10 hours today so I am pooped. I am going to watch a movie or something and relax. My body is very weak tonight. I need to take better care of myself. Well, have a good night peeps. Sleep well.



Inferior, unwanted, in the way, stupid, disgusting, dying, ugly, worthless, all put together to create a smiling , happy, talkative, outgoing human.

I am stuck in between two worlds, I hate being colored. I wonder if there is anywhere color doesn’t define if a person is garbage or not. The only place I have been able to find color not mattering is on the streets, but I suppose than we were all garbage anyways. I am inferior to those who look at a picture from a logical standpoint. I realize how easy it is for upper class whites to say something isn’t racist because it happened to a white person also. I understand how protesters cannot get their messages across because privileged whites will always try to seek out the logic and see them as illogical. I am native and look native and live in a shitty area, therefore I must be trash. The world is chaotic and illogical, even though I realize that, I am still stupid. I suppose though that is where I put my head down and move on like every other good dog.

My eating has been better, I’ve kept food down fairly easy. My friends went out to each brunch. They had invited me but I forgot and no one cared enough to remind me so guess I missed out on that. It doesn’t matter really, I look disgusting these days. I forget everything.

I am supposed to hand in my informative speech today. I can’t even concentrate enough to start on it. I barely even care for that matter. I have been crying most of the morning so my face looks like shit. I can’t do anything right and forget everything. I try to mark my planner but I short live everything I do. I don’t know why I am even in school, where will it even get me? I cannot seem to conform to what society expects of me.

Oh well, just keep on smiling.


Is a bitch that whites can easily look past but to anyone with colored skin it can eat at. I am happy my daughter looks white. I do not feel ill towards any color….I just know the reality and don’t ever want my daughter to experience that.

Well, This one Sucks

I don’t do well with any form of relationships. I am needy, selfish, mean, and insecure. I try to have strength to be stronger and not so sad but the reality is that my brain could very well not be developed correctly, so trying could be pointless. I will always let those around me down, I will always ask for too much. I am inconsistent, indecisive, obsessive, and compulsive. I feel like there are two of me inside, no longer a little girl, but a person being split apart by a past and a future. The past is bleak, abusive, agony, sadness, anything negative, all boiled to create a monster that wants to keep me in that mindset till I kill myself, whether directly or indirectly. The future is success, prosperity, stability, loving, warm, with a little mixture of sadness, a healthy blend so to say, to make up what is called living. These days I feel the past being stronger. I am lost in the middle.

It has been a steady decline of emotions the past few days. I am not sure what the trigger was, maybe the adoption class. I know thats when I started b/p again. I do not know why I have been falling, I should be happy. I have more than a lot of people have. I may not be safe where I live, but I am working towards changing that. I have picked up overtime for the next couple months every Monday to start out the week ahead in hours. I want an education so I am working on achieving that also, granted I may have failed a test yesterday because I couldn’t think straight because I was fighting with my daughters mom. I can retake it and average out the score though. I have Bailey, Fat Louie, and Mr. Cooper who seem to enjoy my company. I have a car…its sorta a piece of shit, but the whole point of it is to raise my score so I could buy something I really want. I have my daughter in my life, even though I don’t see her much these days. I don’t really see her parents that much either. As her mom said though, I am the one who picked up overtime, school, and Bailey the past few months. Add their families health issues into the mix and theres just no time realistically I suppose. My daughters mom says to tell them when I’m available to do something, but it’s easy for me to plan around what they want to do…theres only me. They have our daughter and their families to plan around. I am not sure what is expected of me anymore. I used to spend time with my daughters mom once a week to hang out and have girl time, I haven’t done that in a few months either. It’s like I’m being indirectly pushed away and am finally taking the hint. I used to beg to do things like go bowling, have a date night, movies, just something, but I learned not to ask because it would only start a fight of how she wasn’t good enough. She can make plans so easily with others though. We are very much the same in ways but also different. She admits she is building up walls against me, it is well deserved I suppose. I can feel myself pulling away also. The whole adoption class almost seems like bullshit at this point, because the reality is, we are not as perfect as we seem. The reality is I see myself leaving everything behind again because I cannot let myself get hurt.

The binging and purging has been pretty bad the past few days. I am not sure why I am doing it, I still don’t really like the taste of sugar. It’s actually pretty gross. Yet, when I start, its addictive, not the sugar necessarily, but the act itself. Its a comfort, a sick comfort, its familiar, a deadly familiarity none the less. I suppose it is better than cutting, because I can honestly say my mind has circled around that thought quite a few times these past couple days. Sometimes I miss the pain, it keeps me grounded in a weird sense. Its satisfying and the pain makes sense. I will not do it but it’s still a thought I occasionally have to battle.

There is hockey tonight, I don’t know if I will be going. I was trying to express my thoughts on not giving myself the opportunity to do things here since I moved last August. I think I failed miserably at it because it set her mom off on if hockey isn’t good enough for me I can be easily replaced at the games. So…I don’t know anything anymore. I suppose I have homework I can do, even though I am starting to barely even care about school. It sucks when you are fighting against your mind for survival.

I am trying to make the best of today. I actually have learned to hide my emotions fairly well, everyone at work thinks I am so happy all the time. It’s kinda funny. I am pretty sure my coworker got talked to yesterday, she disappeared with the manager for almost an hour yesterday afternoon. She is out of control, I am no where near the only one with complaints. There is a pizza party today, I don’t think I will eat today. I feel gross, I want to drink a lot of water to get all that sugar and junk out of me. Well, I should get to work. Keep on smiling. I don’t know if I can preach being good to oneself when I cannot even. All I can do is smile and pretend not to be dying inside.

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