Inconsiderate, stupid, unstable, scared, messy, manipulative, wrong, selfish, anxious, sad, jittery, hungry, lost, unwanted, just a pretty face that will age, hard to love, outcast
One of the ripple effects of having borderline personality disorder is not being able to keep friends. I am not sure how it is for others but for me, I grow tired of many people. The people I do not grow tired of however I feel like I screw up with keeping. Even now I sit here crying because I feel like I can’t do anything right and I can never be perfect, no matter how hard I try to work on myself, something is always wrong. People seem to naturally see the worst in me. I know I am losing a friend, I recognize the signs. No longer do they become the source of comfort but the reason why I feel like I can’t do anything right.
I am sorry I have not written in a couple days. It is fairly simple actually. Friday I worked all day with very little breaktime to breath because I wanted to get out of work on time to get ready for the hockey game. During the hockey game I ate cheese curds because they were pretty much the lowest carb item the arena had unless I wanted to pay over ten dollars for a salad. None the less, they were really good. After the game though my belly became as sick as it was the previous time I ate too much cheese, if not more. I ended up having to take a laxative, luckily it only worked as long as it was supposed to. I laid in bed for a good hour before I was able to stand up without feeling like my tummy was going to rip apart and by than it was a few minutes past midnight. So yesterday I felt pretty good again. I crammed on homework till time for the game. I decided to eat a cheeseburger ( with the bun) instead of curds because I was honestly kind of afraid of that pain again. I had bought some cheese curds but I could barely eat them. I am thinking I am a lot more lactose intolerant than I thought. Well, with the cheeseburger I had a beer since I decided oh well, eating carbs anyways. The beer made me feel bloated, so I think I will actually stick to my spiked waters from now on. My beer didn’t taste that good either. I am actually still somewhat in keto a bit so it didn’t do much harm. But from here on I really will have to watch my dairy intake.
I woke up this morning with my dad chewing me out for my loan payment being late, a little over a week none the less. I pissed him off the other day by saying I am prochoice. Awesome….another day of my parents being disappointed in me. You think I would be used to it by now. Oh well. They have never thought much of me to begin with so *shrug*.And to be fair, I actually paid it last week and am completely caught up again on bills, anyways, always nice to wake up to that shit. I didn’t do much today. Some homework I suppose. I took Bailey to a meetup so he could play with other pups. He of course befriended the tiniest dog there who probably didn’t weight more than five pounds. The pup was really cute though. He had a great time and being around the dogs made me feel a bit better.
Other than Bailey it has been a pretty shitty day. I do not really know why I am here these days. I have explained my living situation before and I am still trapped. I can say I am here for my daughter but than I get told I only use her parents to see her. Everything I do is wrong. Every smile is a lie it feels like a lot these days. I suppose sometimes those goodbyes need to be said so others can be happy. Is it fair to go and speak to other aspiring parents about successful adoption if I feel pushed away and alone? I am just very lost right now and have no source of comfort but my daughter, but she is not mine so I am just alone. Maybe that is not fair to say either, I don’t know because nothing makes sense these days.
I apologize for seeming under the weather, I am not sure what is appropriate to feel. I have a couple vlogs to make for my communication class which wont take long otherwise I think I will just watch TV tonight and hope that the laundry opens up since I need clothes for work. I am thinking I should eat today, but I really do not have much in terms of food till Wednesday. I have enough, I just don’t feel like cooking and don’t really feel that hungry anyways. I have to finish throwing away the cats cat tree because Bailey pissed on it when I did all that OT this week…I knew he was going to also when he got spooked during his lunch walk. Well…at least he understand “tree”. Well, Have a good night everyone.