At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.
It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.
My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.
My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.
Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.