I should probably make a clear explanation of where all my anxiety is coming from. I feel trapped as we all know. Work wise, I can’t stand my coworker, even when she is having a good day. Honestly, the nicer she is to me the more I know she is talking shit about me. Not that it overly bothers me about that, it’s just she carries so much negativity, I can literally sense her coming. With how stressful of a person she is I would think her life expectancy should be shorter…but here she is. Another area of stress is school. Not that any of my classes are overly hard this semester since I gave myself a load with breathing room, but balancing it with work and than thinking about the future. I am running out of classes to take online for my degree. The classes that are needed on campus will not work with school. I would think there would be more evening classes given at the university but none that would work with my schedule. Classes that are required are during our busiest days and/or times. I see three options at the moment:
- I could switch my degree plan and major in something different. What that would be I do not know, I enjoy learning about the mind. Is it worth switching my degree for a workplace where I am mentally stressed by the time I get home because of such a nasty coworker?
- I could find a different job, one that is flexible and will work with my school schedule. However, most anything flexible is some bullshit customer service type job, and as much as I like learning about the mind, I don’t do well with stupidity. But if my partner here makes me hate this job so much and dread coming to work, is it worth it? My manager doesn’t do anything and in all honestly I feel he may be afraid of her like everyone else. I would have to look for something that pays around the same wage since I don’t want to stress about being short on money. I want to comfortably still pay bills and have food and buy my pets what they need, plus other basic necessities. This will also entail possibly not being able to move out of my current apartments. I can move because by the time I am ready to switch jobs I would already have a new lease signed somewhere, but than I will really need a minimum amount of income I can make, which I am not sure how many there are here that pay me what I get currently. I could care less about retirement and whatnot, just insurance. I don’t want that to cost hundreds a month either.
- I can stay at my job and leave school after the next semester. After all, I have great benefits and good pay. It is safe. Maybe less stress too because there will be no school work. But than will I be happy? Or would I feel like I just stayed where I was comfortable and always look back and wonder “what if”? What about people I could have helped? Could I have made a difference in someones life who needed me and ended up not having the help they needed? Mental health units are very overcrowded and not enough therapists. But than with that comes the question, who do I want to help? Where do I want to make a difference at?
I feel like there is something I am missing that is right in front of me.
A friend of mine as well as a follower have suggested finding some sort of spiritual center. I do not believe in god but I do believe in the spiritual world. I believe that if god exists than he is honestly bigger than the human mind can comprehend. There always has to be someone bigger. I have really been getting into the book I mentioned before, the one that a follower sent me. I feel like there isn’t much time to meditate or study anything more than I am, I should try though.
Eggs, bacon, and coffee for breakfast. This always seems to cheer up my moods in the morning. I love taking my Biotin, it’s a nice little sweetness for my morning. I am in such a good mood often when I wake up…it’s when I get to work than I start feeling anxious. I have another coworker who does verifying for us who says he dreads coming to the shipping room because he doesn’t know how my partner will be. Maybe I do need to leave eventually. Today is payday, I plan on having a nice chicken bacon salad for lunch. I need to get to Costco today also, I haven’t gone grocery shopping like I have wanted lately so I will today.
Not much has changed from last night, I drink a lot of water and coffee. I am really getting back into my tea’s. I am thinking of buying some bubbles tonight though and taking a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine. It all depends on how much homework I get done. I want to deep clean some too because it will be a warm enough weekend I can open my windows and let some fresh air in.
My daughters mom and I are very much alike. Normally it’s a very good thing, we get along great. There are times though that we are too much alike and will hold everything in that bothers us and than let it out all at once. Not only do we do this, we also take everything each other says very personally. For two people who constantly talk, we suck at communication also. I am sure my daughters dad senses these things when they happen, maybe not all, I am sure its confusing if he does. It is funny, my daughters mom and I can be mad at each other but still have the need to talk to each other also. We all have a weird dynamic it seems like.
I get to go to the doctor soon for my finger. It looks so much better. Still a bit yellowish but can definitely tell where flesh is fully forming. I am excited to have it healed. I want to work out again but can only do cardio for the time being. I went to the chiropractor the other day, ah my hips feel amazing still. I have to start on another essay today. I won’t leave too early today I don’t think. I still want my full 40 hours. I am drinking lots of water today, I feel a bit bloated, I ate quite a bit of sodium yesterday. Bacon is so good though.
Well, I had better get some work done. Thank you everyone for butting up with my bipolar mood swings…maybe it is a bit comedic? Either way, I am sorry if I cannot be a role model. I try to be perfect, I just always fail. Well, the air is bitter but the sun is shining, so I will go do my best to enjoy the day. It’s a Friday after all. Have a good day everyone. Be good to yourselves, I am trying.