The older I get, the more predictable and “just another statistic” I become. I am lost and feel very alone. I feel defined by words; birthmother, survivor, victim.When it comes these words I am automatically segregated, even if not the intention. The expectations of me are lowered to be confined to the words. Sitting in a crowd full of aspiring adopting parents I was out of place.I do believe open adoptions are good, however, now I see myself even more of an ideal “textbook” sort of case. It is all very sad but it is reality. I will only be the birthmother, never the parent, only the friend. I feel like no matter how hard I try to be better than just another birthmother I fail. All I hear is adoption over and over again these days, it’s like a barrier that I will never be able to pass because in the end, I am not good enough. In the end it is just a blessing to have everything work out….but what if one doesn’t believe in blessings? I know enough about life good things happen to others, and often for ones around me, they happen because I’ve stripped a part of me away. Is that what is happening now? Is that why I feel like just another title? Why am I here? I will cry myself to sleep tonight I think…no one seems to understand.

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