Inferior, unwanted, in the way, stupid, disgusting, dying, ugly, worthless, all put together to create a smiling , happy, talkative, outgoing human.
I am stuck in between two worlds, I hate being colored. I wonder if there is anywhere color doesn’t define if a person is garbage or not. The only place I have been able to find color not mattering is on the streets, but I suppose than we were all garbage anyways. I am inferior to those who look at a picture from a logical standpoint. I realize how easy it is for upper class whites to say something isn’t racist because it happened to a white person also. I understand how protesters cannot get their messages across because privileged whites will always try to seek out the logic and see them as illogical. I am native and look native and live in a shitty area, therefore I must be trash. The world is chaotic and illogical, even though I realize that, I am still stupid. I suppose though that is where I put my head down and move on like every other good dog.
My eating has been better, I’ve kept food down fairly easy. My friends went out to each brunch. They had invited me but I forgot and no one cared enough to remind me so guess I missed out on that. It doesn’t matter really, I look disgusting these days. I forget everything.
I am supposed to hand in my informative speech today. I can’t even concentrate enough to start on it. I barely even care for that matter. I have been crying most of the morning so my face looks like shit. I can’t do anything right and forget everything. I try to mark my planner but I short live everything I do. I don’t know why I am even in school, where will it even get me? I cannot seem to conform to what society expects of me.
Oh well, just keep on smiling.