Month: October 2018

Blankness

Everyone loves a good tragedy. It has been a rough day and I feel things will only get worst….I hope not, but I’ve screwed up enough, probably.

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Confined

 

The older I get, the more predictable and “just another statistic” I become. I am lost and feel very alone. I feel defined by words; birthmother, survivor, victim.When it comes these words I am automatically segregated, even if not the intention. The expectations of me are lowered to be confined to the words. Sitting in a crowd full of aspiring adopting parents I was out of place.I do believe open adoptions are good, however, now I see myself even more of an ideal “textbook” sort of case. It is all very sad but it is reality. I will only be the birthmother, never the parent, only the friend. I feel like no matter how hard I try to be better than just another birthmother I fail. All I hear is adoption over and over again these days, it’s like a barrier that I will never be able to pass because in the end, I am not good enough. In the end it is just a blessing to have everything work out….but what if one doesn’t believe in blessings? I know enough about life good things happen to others, and often for ones around me, they happen because I’ve stripped a part of me away. Is that what is happening now? Is that why I feel like just another title? Why am I here? I will cry myself to sleep tonight I think…no one seems to understand.

Ready for Bed

Today was exhausting but I hope I made a difference. As everyone knows, my daughters parents and I spoke with a group of aspiring parents at the adoption agency today. My goal was to have future parent’s understand the benefits of open adoption since there are those who kind of sway away from the idea or are intimidated. I would say there were 6ish couples and three adoption counselors, the one who did our adoption had the day off so was not present. Thats kinda too bad because I was looking forward to seeing her. I think the three of us were honest about out process and the emotions that came from each of us, positive and negative. Even with how emotional and chaotic the adoption started out we worked past that. I wont dive too much into how everything went since I would like to sleep on it. I think it went well though.


My eating was pretty off today. I think it’s because of all the emotions in the day. I fell off keto but I won’t beat myself up for it. I went through a lot of feelings today and comforted myself with b/p. I can’t say it was a bad thing, the class, because it wasn’t. I guess I still suck at comfortably expressing my thoughts and feelings, especially to a group of people I do not know.


I went tanning this morning. It felt really nice. I am excited for when I can work out again. My finger is feeling a lot better. I want to be healthy and strong.


I think I will be signing Bailey up for doggy day care every Monday. I didn’t get home till 630 this evening, I was gone almost 12 hours. I feel bad leaving Bailey home alone that long. The lady who runs the doggy meet ups takes her dogs to a doggy daycare that is right down the street from my work so I can drop Bailey off in the morning. It’s 24 dollars a day or I can buy a package of 10 for 190 dollars, so then 19 dollars. For being able to leave him from 7am to 7pm I do not consider that price bad at all. I just hope he does well without me. They said they would keep him segregated until he starts being comfortable with his surroundings and put him with pups who fit well with him. It makes me very anxious to think about but I think it will be good for him. I just don’t want any other pups to be mean to him.


Well, I am exhausted. I should get to bed soon. It was a very draining day, but a good day none the less. I have a busy day tomorrow. I am going to try and get off on time and then study for my psychology test Wednesday. I also want to get assignments due Wednesday finished tomorrow. There is hockey this week so I need to make sure and have homework done before than. I have fairly big assignments due this week so it’s a heavier load this week.  Have a good night everyone. Be good to yourself….I really am trying.

Beginning to Live

It is and interesting feeling when you have the world wide open to you but are still stuck in your mind. I am my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. My strength can help me create a difference in the world but my weakness can kill me young. 


Why do I purge? I can go days without doing so but than I have that moment of insecurity or stress and it is a comfort I have had for over a decade. I do not NEED to throw up, it is really habit. I have been doing a lot better since sticking with veggies and meat, I do not really crave sugar anymore unless I let myself get overly hungry. I feel a lot better about myself. I feel healthier. I do eat more processed foods than I would like such as bacon and sausage. Eventually once I get to a healthy BMI and am able to work out again, I will start incorporating a fruit or two a day and than cut back on processed foods. I have some breathing room with it since its very little carbs. However once fruit is added I will no longer be in keto and will need to start eating cleaner. I do feel it taking a harder toll on my esophagus, it hurts a lot more sometimes. I know I am still as healthy as I am though because I am a fast healer.


I did not post yesterday because I was busy with my daughter and her parents. I have been really missing them lately, especially my daughter. I can at least message and talk to her parents all day but not really her since ya know, she’s barely even two yet. I have been so busy with work and school I feel like I don’t get much time with her these days, not anywhere that I used to anyways. It’s not anyones fault, it’s just life right now. Her grandpa hasn’t been in the best of health lately either so her parents have been busy helping family also and her dad is working two jobs at the moment. It’s just a hectic time for everyone and of course she is at the wonderful stage of tantrums and not sleeping so her mom isn’t getting normal sleep either. It sucks because my daughter is very much a part of me, I need her in some weird sense, our bond never did break after the adoption. Yesterday I babysat her for awhile while her parents went to run errands. It was nice, we watched some tv, played with toys, played outside, than I rocked her till she fell asleep, which she fell asleep right away. I hummed “O come, O come, Emmanuel,” this is my favorite Christmas song. I often hummed and sang this while I was pregnant with her. We had a really good time. Later on we invited friends over to watch hockey and than play Mario Party, it was a lot of fun. The whole day was really good. Today I slept in till 11ish. I went thrift shopping and then went over to visit my daughter and her parents. We just chilled and played because her dad hurt his back. I forgot to eat and became kinda weak and lightheaded a bit but we had a good dinner. It was a good busy weekend.


Tomorrow is the day we meet with the adoption agency and talk to other aspiring parents. I am not sure how this will go but I am going to do my best to be honest and comfortable. I do think it is important for aspiring parents to understand the view of the birthmother. The social worker who handled our adoption process emailed her parents a list of questions that will be asked. They aren’t overly invasive, just a lot of feelings and our story. My goal is to be as informative as possible on a birthmothers end and to help try to understand what can be going through a birthmothers mind. There are many emotions involved and I wouldn’t want aspiring parents to be put off or wary of having open adoptions because a birth mother may be difficult, after all, difficult can stem from being scared. So, I will do my best to help inform.


My finger is healing very well. I have almost a full range of motion and sensation. The doctor was really surprised with how fast I healed. I am going to hopefully try to get to the gym this week. I picked up OT for the next few months on Mondays. Because I am getting OT at the beginning of the week I am going to try to get Bailey to some more playdates if possible. I feel like I have been neglecting him lately. I feel bad and want to do better,


I think I suck at keeping friends and do not have much to offer the ones that I do. All I do have is being there to listen and offer any advice I can. I did that with a close friend today, the one whom I have talked about how we started on bad ends with the union. I am happy she is in my life. We are very similar in ways, especially with our dedication to the union. In the end I obviously couldn’t do the job due to my back and knee injury, but it was an interesting change with us. While I was at the post office we talked but it was always union related. Now we have become friends on a more personal level and I am grateful for this. She has positively impacted my life and I have looked up to her for a long time.


Well, the clock is about midnight and I want to get this post out today. I do not like missing days however I seem to be a little lately, but that is a good thing in a way because I am missing posts because I am living. I should get to bed soon. I am watching a movie right now while cuddling with Bailey. I hope everyone has a good night, sleep well.

Crossroads

I should probably make a clear explanation of where all my anxiety is coming from. I feel trapped as we all know. Work wise, I can’t stand my coworker, even when she is having a good day. Honestly, the nicer she is to me the more I know she is talking shit about me. Not that it overly bothers me about that, it’s just she carries so much negativity, I can literally sense her coming. With how stressful of a person she is I would think her life expectancy should be shorter…but here she is. Another area of stress is school. Not that any of my classes are overly hard this semester since I gave myself a load with breathing room, but balancing it with work and than thinking about the future. I am running out of classes to take online for my degree. The classes that are needed on campus will not work with school. I would think there would be more evening classes given at the university but none that would work with my schedule. Classes that are required are during our busiest days and/or times. I see three options at the moment:

  1. I could switch my degree plan and major in something different. What that would be I do not know, I enjoy learning about the mind. Is it worth switching my degree for a workplace where I am mentally stressed by the time I get home because of such a nasty coworker?
  2. I could find a different job, one that is flexible and will work with my school schedule. However, most anything flexible is some bullshit customer service type job, and as much as I like learning about the mind, I don’t do well with stupidity. But if my partner here makes me hate this job so much and dread coming to work, is it worth it? My manager doesn’t do anything and in all honestly I feel he may be afraid of her like everyone else. I would have to look for something that pays around the same wage since I don’t want to stress about being short on money. I want to comfortably still pay bills and have food and buy my pets what they need, plus other basic necessities. This will also entail possibly not being able to move out of my current apartments. I can move because by the time I am ready to switch jobs I would already have a new lease signed somewhere, but than I will really need a minimum amount of income I can make, which I am not sure how many there are here that pay me what I get currently. I could care less about retirement and whatnot, just insurance. I don’t want that to cost hundreds a month either.
  3. I can stay at my job and leave school after the next semester. After all, I have great benefits and good pay. It is safe. Maybe less stress too because there will be no school work. But than will I be happy? Or would I feel like I just stayed where I was comfortable and always look back and wonder “what if”? What about people I could have helped? Could I have made a difference in someones life who needed me and ended up not having the help they needed? Mental health units are very overcrowded and not enough therapists. But than with that comes the question, who do I want to help? Where do I want to make a difference at?

I feel like there is something I am missing that is right in front of me.


A friend of mine as well as a follower have suggested finding some sort of spiritual center. I do not believe in god but I do believe in the spiritual world. I believe that if god exists than he is honestly bigger than the human mind can comprehend. There always has to be someone bigger. I have really been getting into the book I mentioned before, the one that a follower sent me. I feel like there isn’t much time to meditate or study anything more than I am, I should try though.


Eating Wise

Eggs, bacon, and coffee for breakfast. This always seems to cheer up my moods in the morning. I love taking my Biotin, it’s a nice little sweetness for my morning. I am in such a good mood often when I wake up…it’s when I get to work than I start feeling anxious. I have another coworker who does verifying for us who says he dreads coming to the shipping room because he doesn’t know how my partner will be. Maybe I do need to leave eventually. Today is payday, I plan on having a nice chicken bacon salad for lunch. I need to get to Costco today also, I haven’t gone grocery shopping like I have wanted lately so I will today.


Drinking Wise

Not much has changed from last night, I drink a lot of water and coffee. I am really getting back into my tea’s. I am thinking of buying some bubbles tonight though and taking a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine. It all depends on how much homework I get done. I want to deep clean some too because it will be a warm enough weekend I can open my windows and let some fresh air in.


My daughters mom and I are very much alike. Normally it’s a very good thing, we get along great. There are times though that we are too much alike and will hold everything in that bothers us and than let it out all at once. Not only do we do this, we also take everything each other says very personally. For two people who constantly talk, we suck at communication also. I am sure my daughters dad senses these things when they happen, maybe not all, I am sure its confusing if he does. It is funny, my daughters mom and I can be mad at each other but still have the need to talk to each other also. We all have a weird dynamic it seems like.


I get to go to the doctor soon for my finger. It looks so much better. Still a bit yellowish but can definitely tell where flesh is fully forming. I am excited to have it healed. I want to work out again but can only do cardio for the time being. I went to the chiropractor the other day, ah my hips feel amazing still. I have to start on another essay today. I won’t leave too early today I don’t think. I still want my full 40 hours. I am drinking lots of water today, I feel a bit bloated, I ate quite a bit of sodium yesterday. Bacon is so good though.


Well, I had better get some work done. Thank you everyone for butting up with my bipolar mood swings…maybe it is a bit comedic? Either way, I am sorry if I cannot be a role model. I try to be perfect, I just always fail. Well, the air is bitter but the sun is shining, so I will go do my best to enjoy the day. It’s a Friday after all. Have a good day everyone. Be good to yourselves, I am trying.

Ready for the Silence

At times this world almost feels unbearable. Everything seems off and I cannot tell what it is. I feel scared and anxious. My thoughts are loud but I cannot understand what they are saying. Its like screaming but I cannot tell if it’s someone elses or mine.


It was a rough day today, I am not sure why. I felt sadness and fear but I don’t know where it came from. I felt afraid that I was going to die even though that is not something I would normally be afraid of. Maybe I feel this way because I do not have a clear sense of my future. I do have a lot of stressors going on. I was able to go home early since there was really no need for me today. I tried to study but I couldn’t quiet my mind so I took a long nap. The dreams were weird and vivid but I cannot remember them. I know psychology says we cannot create new faces in dreams and that everyone we see is someone our subconscious has met before, but I don’t know, they all feel very real sometimes. The eyes, lights, skies, winds, scents, it’s all so real. I am kinda wondering if maybe I am starting to show beginning signs of dementia, like a beginning kind most people would shrug off. In theory, my brain probably didn’t develop correctly from all the trauma, so I could very well have certain brain abnormalities set in sooner. It is something I will watch out for. I just do not like that I can’t sense a path ahead of me.


My eating has been okay. I am still sticking to meat and veggies. I think eventually I will incorporate a fruit or two into my day. If I do that than I need to watch foods I eat like bacon and sausage. I know I shouldn’t eat those anyways since they are preserved but honestly bacon is so delicious.


My drinking has been meh. All in all, a bottle of wine this week? I have been busy with work and school so there hasn’t been much time. I do feel like I need to relax.


Well, I will go to bed now. I have a cup of tea that has been brewing and should now be ready. It’s a cold one outside, but Bailey seems to enjoy it. I will try to be a bit on the brighter side, I just don’t like it when I have feelings that I can’t explain, they can literally ruin my day. Maybe it was because of my coworker, I don’t know. Maybe it is stressors building up so my mind eventually had to let them all out to process and so now it has settled down? I know holding my daughter this evening really helped. I read a sick story of a man who was arrested for child porn. My daughters mom knew him and there were pictures of him on Facebook holding a baby. I wish all those sickos would die. I hope there is a hell for people like them. Well….off to bed.

There’s Nothing

I am starting to think these feelings are permanent. I feel myself building walls and pulling away. I don’t like feeling anxious and sad. It was my own fault for trying. I have only ever been wanted to the extent of a fuck or too late and told sorry, normally still after a fuck ironically. Although if that’s the only time I am touchable than what happens when I no longer let anyone? I suppose I am just alone as always. I am not sure how much longer I have here. I am stuck any way I turn these days. I feel like life will again one day make the pure happiness a taste and that whisk it all away. There are no longer paths, not even one. All I feel is an end, to what, I don’t know. I just don’t feel or sense anything ahead and for me, that is off.

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