Well, the shittiest time of year is officially over. I pretty much ruined yesterday for my daughter and her family. Holidays are filled of an overwhelming sadness when you choose adoption for a child. Holidays hit a birthmother full force because it is realized she can never give her child the Christmas she grew up with. A birthmother will never be able to take her child home for the holidays. Traditions die with adoption. But what do these traditions even mean? Traditions I am still holding onto from my grandma? She’s dead as well as almost everyone else the holiday season was spent with. I am not Christian so celebrating holidays for a religious reason is kinda bogus. I can never have a family of my own, I couldn’t do that to my daughter. So if I ruin everything, why even try? So here I cry, again, oh my god, I have literally cried two days strait and I left my concealer at home, ugh.
Today was a rough day I clocked out with 32 hrs for the week and I still have two more days to go. I am excited for my bonus tomorrow. My mind is confuzzled. Goodnight peeps…I’m exhausted.
“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”
Yesterday did not go as planned. I worked a 10.5 hr day and by the time I got home a beer sounded refreshing…and it was. I went to bed by 10 since I was exhausted. This was mainly disappointing to me because I told my readers I was staying sober for a month, so into the garbage went the rest of my booze this morning. I won’t hide anything from my readers, I never have and will not start. But here starts my month of sobriety. If I am exhausted by the end of today well then, theres meditation or bed.
” Set your goals high and don’t stop till you get there.”
I think when goals seem impossible, if we keep dreaming then we can never fail. Even at my lowest point in life I hung onto the dreams of being happy and stable. I think that is honestly what kept me alive. I do not think anyone truly wants to kill themselves, I think just sometimes those goals and dreams are forgotten. Hopelessness is easy to succumb to the easy fixes. All humans are at fault for giving into the temporary gratification, whether it be through eating, drinking, drugs, shopping, porn, drama, gossip, or anything else that makes one feel a false sense of happiness. Not saying all of these are bad, some are, but also some can be really good if balanced. The problem is we live in a society where it is really hard to balance these things because we are programmed to believe that consuming and materialism bring us happiness. We buy our kids tons of presents for birthdays and holidays, we eat and drink for any special occasion, and we party to congratulate. It is really easy to overlook how much we have. I am going a bit off on this because today our company announced we would all receive a 10% annual salary bonus. This combined with our last bonus this summer would make 18% that our company rewarded us with this year. I had already given up on getting any sort of bonus so this was really nice to wake up to. I am proud to work for a company that even though it has grown to the largest of its kind in the world, us little guys are still remembered and rewarded. I have many coworkers who were almost crying. Sure many of the people here are well off and will never have to worry about money, but there are also those of us that this is exactly what we needed to start the year off strong.
I have been keeping a lot more food down these past few days. I have a feeling this will get easier once I am completely rid of all the alcohol. I think it effects the body system for awhile. It would be nice to not be so constipated however. I am trying to eat more fiber and drink more coffee to help with this.
Well, it is Tuesday and today is looking a lot better than yesterday. I had better get going since my boss just walked in. Everyone have a good day, keep your goals high and keep on trotting!
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop”
I hate new years resolutions mainly because people should have goals all year round. When people set up a goal for a year there is too much room to fail, one for being such a huge time frame people tell themselves “oh, I have all year to accomplish this,” and then don’t, or “ugh, I have to keep this up for a whole year!” and fail; second reasoning be its so cliche but boy do companies make money off all their diet pills and workout clothing. I have obviously bettered myself over the past year, not due to resolutions at all, it just sort of happened. I feel like I want to take a step back again to when and why I started blogging. My goal when I started was to stay sober a month, it sort of bounced from sober to dealing with my eating disorder. I feel like I should try it again now that I am in a completely different place of mind, life, and stress level. So as of 17Dec2018, I will stay sober for a month. I feel it should be easier since I probably will not be attending any hockey games for a while.
Well, I’ve said that I will stay sober for a month so we will see how it goes. My drinking hasn’t been overly concerning but I suppose I have been hungover a bit more lately. I am wondering how much of my drinking is habit so what better way to find out than to stay sober? It will save me money for sure as I have sort of been spending way too much money on booze and therefore junk food to go with the booze. The junk food obviously leads me to b/p. I read that drinking can actually keep your electrolytes and vitamins off balance and its worst if you b/p because it provides only a temporary fix for the body that is already off balance. I am trying to keep food down but its still like by noon I get the urge to binge thus leading to purging. Maybe I am getting the urge to binge because the alcohol has worn off so than my body realizes that its off balance. I will obviously keep everyone updated how things are going. I do not think I will have any withdrawal symptoms but we will see.
I am waiting to see what my grades are, I know so far one A (Ethics) and one C (Developmental Psychology (hated that class)). My speech class is still being graded. Its nice to have a month off!
I kind of want to tell my coworker that I can’t deal with her before eight. 7:30 a.m. is way too early to be acting like the world is ending. On a fun note, my daughters mom starts work here today! She has orientation than will be let loose to her new area. I am excited, although I never really go to that side of the building because its like a mile away…not really, but it feels like it. I am happy for her. My daughter will be in daycare starting next year, its scary but she needs to make friends. She needs influencers whom are normal.
One thing I am hoping to accomplish this next month is to find more hobbies. Normally a night consists of wine and Netflix but I feel like I should be doing more. I am on winter break so I should do things I am interested in. I would like to read some books that aren’t school related. It has been nicer outside lately so I have been taking Bailey on longer walks. I would like to get to the gym more also. I am still talking to my friends cousin. He seems like he could be worth meeting at this point. He loves hockey, in fact he plays. He loves being outside, has previously done motocross, loves animals, doesn’t do any drugs, occasionally drinks, likes to dance, has similar political views as me, and thought my music was interesting, so yeah, I could see myself meeting him at some point. I would like to start drawing again. My history with art isn’t the greatest since my parents weren’t the best supporters growing up. I want to try to make the bad memories become good though.
I have been debating on reaching out to my birthmother. I wouldn’t go into it expecting anything out of it but I want to at least say hi at some point. I don’t really want anything to do with the rest of my birth family though. It would be nice to have an idea of who my birth mother is and how well she has done in life. I know she moved away from the reservation a very long time ago and has nothing to do with it. I am happy for that. The birth sister I do know, I know probably has a drinking problem and seems to make quite a few immature mistakes for her age, none the less for being a mother of five. It is just a thought right now though.
Well, I suppose I had better get to work. Be good to yourselves. It’s Monday, but its on its way to being over.
This time last year I was taking down my tree because I absolutely hated life and the holidays. My grandma had just died whom I loved dearly, I was fighting the post office for work-mans comp because my knee was spurring so badly it would completely give out, I was trying to figure out how I would deal with finances while I was barely working, my birth sister had just found me through Facebook, and I was very very depressed. We all know it didn’t get better from there, in fact, I lost every part of my identity. When I look back I am not exactly sure I like who my identity said for me to be. I was a mess. I was transitioning from living for my daughter to finding a reason to live for myself. It took a major identity crisis that lasted a good chunk of the first half of the year. Towards the end of wanting to die and the beginning of building myself up is when I got the strength to start blogging. That is how quite a few of you readers began to follow me. Since than you have watched how I far I have come. A couple months ago I was very depressed, I felt myself falling again. I had a good job, was getting financially stable, and was having a good relationship with my daughter and her family, but inside I still felt like garbage. I was in a shitty apartment stuck in the middle of shitty people who had no ambition but to party and do drugs. I felt trapped. I stopped blogging, I became depressed and confused, was letting my bitchy coworker get to me, the world felt loud. The holidays were coming up and I felt myself really missing my grandma. The thing about me though is when I feel myself falling I will get to a point that I start fighting and I did. I took the leap and found a new apartment. The moment I walked in this apartment I knew it was the one I could call home. I moved in but there was still a sadness I felt inside. As the holidays drew nearer I knew it was because I missed my grandma, she died 12/11 of last year. I slowly put up decorations, but honestly, it was very sad to do so. My parents spent Thanksgiving a bit sad, I honestly barely felt like celebrating it. I was depressed but forced myself to go to my daughters parents. I did have a good time but I also cried later that night. It was a slow process of putting up decorations and than came the depression of not being able to afford a tree or anything. That is when I found a lady on Facebook who was giving away decorations. As I put up the decorations it was a bittersweet feeling. But after a while it was almost a healing moment. I only mention all this because today I took down my tree and decorations, not out of depression though. I realized a coworker of mine was struggling and feeling a bit sad because she couldn’t give her two year old a tree or any decorations for Christmas. She bought her son some clothes and a couple toys for Christmas but felt really depressed because she had nothing to put the presents under. Right away I thought “well, she can have mine,” and right then I realized I was no longer holding onto the sadness of the past year and my grandma. I was happy with taking down everything because to me, they were just stuff, but to her and her boy it was happy moments to come. So here I sit, watching Netflix, no decorations, but still a happiness in my heart, because tonight I know she is putting up a tree and decorations for her son.
Well, hockey sort of sucked tonight, buuuut there was beer and popcorn so that made it okay. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. This weekend went by way too fast.
“You Are Never Too Old To Set Another Goal Or To Dream A New Dream.”
I am starting to dream. I want to hike the black hills in old native burial grounds. I want to go to Centrailia, PA and visit Herseys. I want to go to the Grand Canyon and visit Area 51. Next year I for sure want to go skydiving. No longer am I just trying to survive, but live.
I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH THE FALL SEMESTER, WINTER BREAK! WHOOO!
Well, it was a busy weekend. I baked amazing cookies and spent time with my daughter and her parents. It was a great time. I had better relax for the night. My B/P was half n half, I was good but I also wasn’t. All I can say is I am keeping a lot of food down. I am changing, it is just a process. I want all my readers to be good to yourselves, and if you fail at times, that is okay. Goodnight 🙂
“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.”
It can also be said, don’t let todays mistakes define tomorrow. Yes I purged today, but I did not binge as much. Yes I ate more calories than I should have, but I throughly enjoyed my smoothie and kept it down. I know I am gaining weight, but as a friend told me, I am looking more like a woman than a girl. I need to start learning to enjoy life more, because even though I do not believe this life is all there is, it very well could be. We could all be dead tomorrow, do I really want my bad habits to be all that my life has been about?
“Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”
How much have I let my past control my life? All the parties, sex, money spending, cutting, developing my eating disorder, for 28 years I let my childhood control who I became and from then on it controlled how I responded to stress and anxiety. My daughter saved my life but I do not know when the fight to survive really came. For the longest time it was surviving for her but now I am surviving for myself.
I cut my hair yesterday. It held too much negative energy from this past year. I see it as letting go. I feel so much weight taken off.
I believe hair does contain energy in a way, not exactly magical. But hair is pretty much dead cells from our bodies. If our bodies have stress and we don’t take care of ourselves, our hair reflects that. So now that I have built myself up extremely it was time to cut my hair and let the year go.
These always go hand in hand it seems like. I keep food down in the morning but by noon I feel a need to B/P for no real reason other than habit. I am trying to incorporate a variety of fruits into my diet since I am sure my electrolytes are off balance a lot. I do not want my body to be craving a nutrient and that be a reason why I B/P. Pineapple is so good. I think a weakness probably comes from lack of sleep as well. My sleeping is off balance. I am trying to get it back on track but its hard when I am not exactly sure when it has ever been a healthy amount. I sleep when I get sick otherwise I work all day, do homework, and than relax with wine way too late. I just need to tell myself to go to bed. I suppose that is part of the self control I need to develop more. I feel my bad habits trying desperately to hold on but I am pulling away easier day by day.
“Begin to be now what you will be hereafter.”
I am still trying to be optimistic about my finances. It will all be okay. Currency is funny but a great way to control a population. I feel my mind trying to break free as if its been molded to think certain ways to fit in with society. I feel like my eyes are seeing more then they used to.
I should get to work eventually. I also need to write my speech today also. Ugh, always procrastinating. Well, have a great day everyone!
Also….How cute are the boys?