This time last year I was taking down my tree because I absolutely hated life and the holidays. My grandma had just died whom I loved dearly, I was fighting the post office for work-mans comp because my knee was spurring so badly it would completely give out, I was trying to figure out how I would deal with finances while I was barely working, my birth sister had just found me through Facebook, and I was very very depressed. We all know it didn’t get better from there, in fact, I lost every part of my identity. When I look back I am not exactly sure I like who my identity said for me to be. I was a mess. I was transitioning from living for my daughter to finding a reason to live for myself. It took a major identity crisis that lasted a good chunk of the first half of the year. Towards the end of wanting to die and the beginning of building myself up is when I got the strength to start blogging. That is how quite a few of you readers began to follow me. Since than you have watched how I far I have come. A couple months ago I was very depressed, I felt myself falling again. I had a good job, was getting financially stable, and was having a good relationship with my daughter and her family, but inside I still felt like garbage. I was in a shitty apartment stuck in the middle of shitty people who had no ambition but to party and do drugs. I felt trapped. I stopped blogging, I became depressed and confused, was letting my bitchy coworker get to me, the world felt loud. The holidays were coming up and I felt myself really missing my grandma. The thing about me though is when I feel myself falling I will get to a point that I start fighting and I did. I took the leap and found a new apartment. The moment I walked in this apartment I knew it was the one I could call home. I moved in but there was still a sadness I felt inside. As the holidays drew nearer I knew it was because I missed my grandma, she died 12/11 of last year. I slowly put up decorations, but honestly, it was very sad to do so. My parents spent Thanksgiving a bit sad, I honestly barely felt like celebrating it. I was depressed but forced myself to go to my daughters parents. I did have a good time but I also cried later that night. It was a slow process of putting up decorations and than came the depression of not being able to afford a tree or anything. That is when I found a lady on Facebook who was giving away decorations. As I put up the decorations it was a bittersweet feeling. But after a while it was almost a healing moment. I only mention all this because today I took down my tree and decorations, not out of depression though. I realized a coworker of mine was struggling and feeling a bit sad because she couldn’t give her two year old a tree or any decorations for Christmas. She bought her son some clothes and a couple toys for Christmas but felt really depressed because she had nothing to put the presents under. Right away I thought “well, she can have mine,” and right then I realized I was no longer holding onto the sadness of the past year and my grandma. I was happy with taking down everything because to me, they were just stuff, but to her and her boy it was happy moments to come. So here I sit, watching Netflix, no decorations, but still a happiness in my heart, because tonight I know she is putting up a tree and decorations for her son.
Well, hockey sort of sucked tonight, buuuut there was beer and popcorn so that made it okay. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. This weekend went by way too fast.
“You Are Never Too Old To Set Another Goal Or To Dream A New Dream.”
I am starting to dream. I want to hike the black hills in old native burial grounds. I want to go to Centrailia, PA and visit Herseys. I want to go to the Grand Canyon and visit Area 51. Next year I for sure want to go skydiving. No longer am I just trying to survive, but live.
I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH THE FALL SEMESTER, WINTER BREAK! WHOOO!
Well, it was a busy weekend. I baked amazing cookies and spent time with my daughter and her parents. It was a great time. I had better relax for the night. My B/P was half n half, I was good but I also wasn’t. All I can say is I am keeping a lot of food down. I am changing, it is just a process. I want all my readers to be good to yourselves, and if you fail at times, that is okay. Goodnight 🙂