Month: January 2019

First Poem

Oh meh gawd, the new packaging person is so annoying. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate men with big egos? I honestly can’t remember, but okay, I HATE MEN WITH BIG EGOS. Like are you just extra full of yourself because you are trying to make up for a tiny dick or what? Personally I don’t think I would go into a new workplace my first week and start bitching about how the building could have been built differently. Like YEAH, we know there are things to improve but shit we are getting at least two new buildings if not three because we grew faster than ever imagined. Like does he think I am just some sort of idiot who doesn’t realize my office could have been twice the size? Fuck yes I know this, my office space pretty much got cut in half, but ya know what? Its a fuck lot better than where we were at and yeah, we are over crowded but ya know what? ITS MY NEW OFFICE, MY SPACE, I have made it my own and comforting and he comes in and bitches about it and makes his desk look like a pigsty. And oh meh gawd, to bitch about every area and how he used to be some sort of carpenter so he knows what he’s talking about…okay so if your so great, go take over the guys job who built some of the top BSL in the world and this building, then come back and I will listen Also, I really need to find out how old this guy is, he seems like he’s upper 20’s or lower thirties but drives a loud ass car and spins his wheels when the light turns green at lights. Ugh his beard reminds me of a crotch full of pubes. Okay, rant over…but seriously…I take pride in my job and workspace…shove it asshole. At least when my new shipping partner starts he will no longer be in my office but upstairs with the freezers where he can’t be heard.


So here is my first poem I wrote in Creative Writing today, it had to be exactly 100 words. Its nothing spectacular or even realistic towards myself. In some ways maybe, but in other ways no since I never turned tricks on a corner…but maybe some insight into a history of someone that very possibly could have? There’s no name for it really, the professor just said to write a poem so I did. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a real poem…well, I hope I get a good grade on it.

 

Big eyes stare up afraid, cold eyes glare down

She wants her mom, where is her mom?

Non-understandable pain, all too familiar

Realism drifts away, her safe place appears

Verity drifts back, she no longer wants her mom,

Crying, anxious, angry, cold, big eyes lose their innocence,

Other kids are taught to dream big,

She is taught life is not fair

Struggle is real

Failed attempts of love

Her past has defined her

She learned these tricks young

Sky high prices but they never leave with a frown

Daddy issues they say

It’s paradoxically opposite

She just needs her mom


Well, I had a busy day at work and did homework when I got home for a few hours and then cleaned and am now enjoying a glass of wine. I will write tomorrow. I just wanted to post! Goodnight peeps!

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Tummy Bug

 

15Jan2019

Butter, who would have thunk it could be a healthy fat?

Butter has vitamins A,E, and K2, K2 being one that many westerners lack. This helps prevents blood clots and is good for bones and the heart. (Who knows the damage I have done to my heart.)

-Butter contains healthy saturated fats that studies have shown can actually help with weight loss.

-If it’s real butter, it’s exactly that! Crap like margarine is so overly processed. I don’t care if they separate the good vegetable oils from the bad….the fact they need to do that to market as healthier than a pure substance like butter is disgusting. Also studies are showing that people who eat margarine have a higher chance of cardiovascular disease.

-This one I didn’t know, real butter contains butyrate which is very good for the digestive system. Butyrate nourishes our body all the way down to the mitochondria and lowers insulin and triglycerides. Butyrate can also prevent weight gain and is an anti-inflammatory.

-Studies show those who eat real butter are not at a higher chance for obesity.

So butter is amazing. I cooked my eggs and pepper in butter for breakfast. I love the taste of real butter. I also had a red banana (they are cute lil things) but I won’t go into detail with how great those are for a person either, better than yellow!


Eating Wise

I am eating fine. I am chewing my food and enjoying what I have. In turn that causes me to eat less and I actually feel satisfied now. I bought some healthy groceries last night, even bread! I bought some greek yogurt for the probiotics it has as well.

I am feeling kinda sick this morning as I am typing this. I kinda wonder if I am getting what my daughter and her parents have been dealing with. The good thing about that is it seems to be only a 24hr bug….it just doesn’t make it fun today. I feel like throwing up but my daughters mom brought me a sprite.



TODAY

Ok, so after I wrote that yesterday, I went downhill fast. I was able to get all my shipping done but I left work around one (?) and its a good thing I left when I did because I literally passed out. Everything, body, joints, skin, eyes, brain, organs, all hurt. I woke up a few times hallucinating thinking clients were touring my apartment or that there was someone inside. I heard voices and saw shadows. I was sweaty but freezing. I managed not to throw up, I kept moving into positions where the nausea would temporarily subside. My tummy felt like needles were being stuck in and out of it all over. This morning I attempted to go to work but I could barely stand for more than a few minutes before my head would feel so full and I would collapse. My body still ached and I still felt nauseas a bit. I slept till around 11 and managed to eat a bowl of “Well Yes” soup (not bad). I slept again until a little after 4 tonight and have been up since, it’s now 6. My spine still aches and my head still feels full. My uterus still hurts. Weirdly my ears hurt as well.  I can at least sit up so I can get some homework done.


Eating Wise

Well, I only ate Greek Gods Yogurt after going home yesterday and than a little for breakfast as I was attempting to get ready for work. Since I don’t have the nausea anymore I made a nutrient packed soup, boiled hamburger, wild blend rice, onions, mixed peppers, mixed vegetables, and a big can of crushed tomatoes.

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I am very excited to eat it. Right now I am enjoying a cup of tummy tea. I am not afraid to eat these days, it’s just whatever. I do want to find time for the gym but not until I am a hundred percent. I want to build muscle. Food is energy for the body so I am finding nutrient packed foods to eat. I do not limit myself with foods I want, but just make sure to watch myself and if I am full or not. I ate the pizza pretty easy this weekend though, even though I probably ate a little too much. It was really good. I feel satisfied with food. And damn, I save a lot of money.


Drinking Wise

Ha, funny, no time for that shit right now. I am so behind on homework now.


Well, not much more has gone on the past two days other than me feeling like I was going to die. This soup is really good. I need to get caught up on homework. My body aches and headache is starting to subside a little, I think water is really helping. Well, I hope everyone stays healthy, goodnight peeps.

Grapes

Today I am going to talk about grapes, red grapes in particular because that is what I am eating for breakfast.

-Grapes contain healthy carbs, antioxidants, fiber, vitamins K,A,C,B6, potassium, calcium, phosphorous, calcium and just the right amount of sodium. They also have riboflavin, niacin, thiamine, and folate. So nutrient wise grapes are like a holy grail.

-Reduce aging, reduce chances of a heart attack, and filters out toxins in the blood.

-HELP WITH CONSTIPATION

-Helps control asthma, diabetes, cataracts, migraines, indigestion, fatigue, and studies are even showing they can help reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s. They also can boost immunity and help with kidney issues as well as cholesterol.

-Helps keep the eyes strong as well as bones and helps prevent cavities.

And I have been SO afraid to eat grapes for YEARS because they contained sugar. So dumb…grapes are delicious.


Eating Wise

I am less afraid of eating these days. My pants actually fit fairly well today which makes me wonder if my body is starting to balance out. I am trying to chew my food more. I spent quite a bit of yesterday looking up healthy foods, turns out they contain sugar and carbs, but theres a difference between processed and natural carbs/sugars. It’s feeling pretty good to let go of the fear of food. I feel like I am gaining a sense of freedom. Society sucks with the pressure they push onto women about having to be so damn perfect on the outside. I will never let my daughter think society needs to dictate any part of her thinking or her body. The perfect body is dictated by disgusting men who have brainwashed women for centuries and gotten them to judge each other based on appearance but who still like to pretend they are part of any women’s movement to make themselves equal to men….I guess they have in the way of judging and sexualizing females. Luckily this superficial bullshit is changing for the better with each generation.


Drinking Wise

Well, I had a couple glasses of wine last night to relax a bit. I wasn’t concentrating on my homework that great so I decided to listen to some ghost stories while researching healthy food. I probably won’t really have time to drink anything again till the game on Saturday. I am not looking forward to the crowd that night. It’s mens night, ugh last year they were so fucking annoying. I will probably just buy my drinks beforehand and not walk around during intermission. Last year my daughters dad had to keep them from bothering me. I attract the biggest creeps.


So I didn’t go to Baileys meet-up yesterday because I was still dealing with a bad tummy. The stool softeners and laxatives finally worked. It was a rough day. My daughter and her mom were both pretty sick as well, our daughter threw up twice. I think her dad may be getting sick as well. Anyways, I spent the day exhausted and felt undernourished. I did eat though and I drank so much water, I was so thirsty. I am still drinking a lot of fluids and the grapes I think will be good for me because they are mostly water. But yeah, so I put Bailey in daycare today because I will most likely do a 12 hr day. I brought him in early too so I could start my work earlier. So my socializing this weekend was being sick with my family and boys.


Well, this week is payday! I will have some money in my savings on Friday. 🙂  I could put some in now but I want to buy some healthy food today. I think I might make myself a stuffed pepper for dinner tonight. It will be nice to have money in my savings by the end of the week.


I think I might start the gym Wednesday. I would tomorrow but I am babysitting my friends cats so have to give them their meds before work. I think at least being on the elliptical can really help my tummy. I just want to be healthy. I don’t even want to be thin anymore, I want to have muscle. When I worked at the post office I think I was too skinny. I was literally walking myself to starvation. I could see all my ribs and it’s so ironic because even though I could practically see all of them, I still saw myself as fat. I didn’t even have any boobs because I was that skinny. I am probably fairly lucky I quit otherwise I would have easily made it to anorexia.


Well, because finances are getting where they are at I think I will buy some counter chairs this weekend. It will be nice because than I can actually sit down and eat. I will also have room to draw. It’s good to have my life in order.


Well, my lunch is about over so I had better get started on the rest of my shipments. Have a good day peeps, if your anywhere near the midwest, stay warm. Fucking cold…later!



 

Too much Detail

11Jan2019

I may have had too much fun at the game last night. I really need to learn alcohol hits me harder and slower these days when I don’t constantly throw it up. I feel gross from the cheese curds also. But I didn’t throw a single thing up and throughly enjoyed everything, our team lost though. We really need a new goalie.

12Jan2019

Ok, so low carb diet over. That is okay though.




TODAY!


Ok, so if your squeamish towards shit, yes literal shit, you probably shouldn’t read this next part.

*ahem*

So, we all now I struggle with bulimia and have been doing GREAT at keeping food down. Today marks 13 days. It hasn’t been rough that much. Like I know I have been gaining weight over the past year so it’s whatever. I still fit into my clothes, they just don’t fit like I like them to. This can be helped with eating healthy and going to the gym but that’s not relevant right now. So, I am not sure if there are any readers who are recovering from eating disorders but today was one of the worst recovery days I have ever had…honestly I would rather have given birth again. So Friday I started eating carbs because 1. Someone brought cookies to work (I ate two) and 2. I was getting fairly concerned with not shitting for a week. So I enjoyed carbs Friday and oh my god I felt like I was going to die Saturday. I woke up yesterday feeling okay. I still felt the side effects of enjoying my booze at the hockey game but drank some coffee and talked to my daughters mom and was feeling better in no time. Than all of a sudden I had to poop, which I was thinking, GREAT! Finally! It’s been over a fucking week! So I tried to go and I really couldn’t push it out, no matter how hard I pushed. Only the tip of this shit would come out and that was barely any at all. When I felt it through the toilet paper (I was going to see if I could fish it out?) and I couldn’t even pinch it, it was that hard! It was like a rock. So I kept trying to push but then started freaking out and became very sweaty (it didn’t help I was researching every death caused by a bowel obstruction). I could literally feel it stretching my intestines inside. I tried walking around and stretching to get it to a different angle. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I could feel shit behind it too. I was afraid that It would build up and my intestines would rip me apart. It hurt so bad. After awhile my daughters mom brought over a stool softener and a suppository. I was scared to use the suppository but eventually it became either I pay for a doctor visit or use it so I did, honestly…that’s probably what a doctor would have done as well. I’m not going to lie, it burned and hurt. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I did it wrong or that I was going to bleed out and die (unlikely now that I’m thinking logically) but my daughters mom held my hand and said I was going to be fine. Eventually she brought me to the toilet and the suppository worked…however, I didn’t wait as long as I should have because it was hurting so bad and I just wanted it out. I was hyperventilating and crying because of the pain and fear. Eventually it came out, I could feel this shit tear into three. After that came a bit more but it was all soft and runny. It clogged the toilet all day. We literally had to work on the toilet from 2pm to midnight. I never would have been able to shit that all out without help. So after that I took a stool softener and laxative to help get the rest of the shit out in there. I am researching foods that will be healthy and easy on my tummy. I only mention this because I think this is probably a major part of recovery because it proves diet is important. If I have any readers who are recovering, this is something to look out for definitely. So I am researching healthy foods that are easy going on the tummy. I hurt really bad afterwards all day but I am feeling good today.

Starting out borderline low carb I think was a great way to start because I didn’t feel guilt while eating and kept food down. It is important however to make sure I am incorporating fruit and a little bit of healthy whole grains in as well. I am going to be taking full advantage in my Nutrition class now and go in with an unbiased mindset. I noticed while reading that when it was talking about a healthy diet and I kept questioning the text and telling myself I shouldn’t be eating all those carbs. I think this is part of that whole yoyo diet, B/P mindset. I have become more excited for this class.


Sorry if that was a bit on the gross side but I have GREAT news! Someone rented my old apartment unit so I no longer have to do a buyout for it AND will get money back. There are still some questions that will be answered later on but nothing major. I will be giving my lawyer a complete breakdown summary of what I am getting back and why. It’s funny what happens when a lawyer becomes involved. But YES, GREAT NEWS! BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE!



Eating Wise

Well, eating has been fairly easy. I even ate some pizza yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it (I hope that digests okay). My eating habits will have to become healthier though. I am pretty scared of having that pain again.


Drinking Wise

Meh, it’s whatever.I had a tallboy last night with dinner. It lasted awhile because my daughters parents and I played some board games. So this tallboy lasted from probably 5-midnight. I had a little bit of wine to calm my nerves because I felt another possible poop coming along. I had 3 cups of beer at the hockey game Friday which for me that’s actually not much. I would easily down six before. Again…it’s amazing how much money is saved when one doesn’t throw everything up.



So an interesting thing happened yesterday. I don’t really talk about the kid I had from the rape. I kind of explained how bad everything was in ” Life Comes in 3’s” during that time. So I have never had much to do with her other than getting updates from her mom occasionally. Well, yesterday they called me up because their daughter (my daughter?) wanted to talk to me and her mom just wanted to give some updates. I have honestly never talked to this kid before. The last time I saw her she was younger then my daughter and was just learning to really walk. Now she is in second grade and talks a lot. She told me she loves to swim and loves art. I am not really sure how I feel about this. The entire time I was pregnant with her all I imagined was a parasite growing in me because I hated that asshole so much and felt infected. I kinda hated her too because of that. When I had my hypnotherapy session, if you recall, the lady had mentioned letting go any negative feelings because they could be strung back to her, so I did. It is just a weird feeling because obviously she is nothing like that rapist but I don’t know, I still do not want to grow any form of relationship with her, updates are fine. It was just weird was all.


Well, nothing more eventful has really happened. I am just studying and working my time away. I am at my daughters parents right now so will probably go and visit with them. Have a good day everyone!


Just Living

Oh meh gosh peeps, I read so much last night. I am trying to start this school year out as strong as I can. Once I feel like I am ahead than I can fully make a schedule that will work with work, hockey, and seeing my daughter and her parents. I am trying to keep Saturdays as open as possible for just the four of us.I am excited. I think I am getting ahead in school. What better time to get ahead than the first week of school when there is nothing really due?


Eating Wise

My eating has been pretty easy going. Haven’t b/p in ten days now. It’s fairly easy to keep nutritious foods down. I don’t really feel hungry much and when I do I eat till I am full and satisfied. I am not sure how this will be once I start incorporating fruits. I try to keep myself on the edge of keto so reintroducing carbs won’t be too extreme. I am looking at this as more of a jumpstart for my digestive system. I made a home made chicken soup last night and boiled the veggies to where they were nice and soft, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. Once my digestive system is working well I will probably start eating a little bit of fruit and start incorporating some greek yogurt and maybe steel cut oats with flax. It will be a gradual thing. I know obviously I can’t eat low carb forever. I feel real good though about my eating.


Drinking Wise

I had a Truly last night. I originally poured a glass of wine to relax but ended up pouring it out because I didn’t feel like having it. The Truly was nice to just relax a little without becoming bloated. Honestly tea works better for sleep so school nights thats probably what I will have from here on. I made sure to have it after I read a crap load in my classes though, you know…responsibilities first.


I doodled while listening to a lecture last night. I just let my hand do the drawing while I took in what the instructor was saying. It’s a form of drawing I suppose but I think it helped me concentrate more to what was being said.


HOCKEY TODAY! I need to enjoy the free time I have to the fullest because I don’t have much of it. I will probably get off early so I can donate plasma. I actually have cash on me for the game so this is just extra. Its amazing how much money I have been saving by not b/p. I would say in the past ten days I have saved myself over a hundred dollars EASILY. Also, there is not that false need to drink. I am making sure to take my probiotics and vitamins and am drinking adequate water. If I keep this up it really wont take much to build a savings. There is no urge to purge though even when I am full. I still have yet to really take a shit in a few days now though but I don’t feel constipated so who knows whats going on there.


I feel kind of boring these days. I feel way too normal, like I am just an average ole person working and going to school. I don’t feel stuck but I just feel bleh. Like obviously my past is the past but it defined me for so long and now I am on my way to make a better future for myself. Life is just steady and uneventful which is okay, it’s just weird. After the “Life comes in 3’s” postings it felt like an end of a chapter in my life. I almost see my past as very boring. Since that chapter ended a few months ago, I worked hard and pulled myself up the rest of the way I needed to go to get where I am at and now, life is just average. I am not so stressed these days and my heart does not hurt anymore. The low moods are only temporary if I have them. Now I have to be normal and decide what career path I really want to take, I honestly feel like I have so many doors open when it comes to my education and success. I feel my mind changing. Maybe I can even go in Biology and be a scientist here LOL. Nah..I don’t think I would enjoy that. Well, I had better get to work, have a great day peeps and remember, just because you are on the streets does not mean there is no hope, even if it seems like that. Just keep on fighting.

Finally! Back to School!

08Jan2019

I am happy school has started. I stayed up a little past ten writing down due dates. I will be using my planner to write a full daily schedule. My goal is to get all A’s this semester. I think after this semester all I will need is my science/lab class and then I can get my associates. I am slowly succeeding at this thing called life, ironically probably what will happen when I’m at the top is the dollar will lose all its value and I’m stuck trying to survive again, jokes…but possibly…but thats too much realism for my optimism.


I feel like I have taken pressure off me by not giving up drinking. There were no cravings last night or for today for that matter. I am more excited about getting schoolwork done. There is hockey on Thursday and Friday so I will stick to Truly’s. I do not think there is anything I can eat there. I might be able to have a couple cheese curds but cheese can be the death of my tummy.


Eating Habits

My eating has been fairly easy lately. It is still lower carb but I feel my tummy working itself out. I can make myself full without feeling the need to purge. I feel like I sleep better.


TODAY!



Yesterday was a long rough day. I couldn’t get a chance to just sit and breath at work and when I got home I started on school work. I also added another class because in theory I can take my science/lab class this summer and a small elective and be good to go on towards my bachelors. So now I am taking Nutrition, Business Computers, Social Problems, Creative Writing, and Interpersonal Communications. Honestly, all the classes will do me good, I am just going to be so busy. The creative writing I think is going to be the hardest class since there really is tons of writing. That is good though because I can start writing my book!


Drinking Wise

There really is no time. Other then Sunday I haven’t had time for even a glass of wine, which is fine. That one hit me hard since I kept everything down and it took longer to hit. Well, as I said before, live and learn. Theres no urge to drink. I have a couple hockey games this week that I will probably have Truly’s at (low carb, beer-wise content, don’t make me bloated.) I really just have no time at all. It will be nice when I have a new shipping partner because then I may be able to cut my lunch times short and leave early so I have more time to study. I think a lot of my drinking came from boredom. Also, considering I said a month of sobriety for my NYR, I have a year to do so, no need to rush myself.


Eating Wise

Eating is pretty easy. I am still sticking to my veggies and meats, occasional  cheese. There are times I feel like my tummy might be working to get me to go number two but then nothing happens. I am still taking my probiotic and drinking my teas. I haven’t eaten many steamed veggies lately so maybe I need to do that. I just love salad, it’s so easy and convenient and yummy. But yeah, its getting pretty easy not to purge, even when I feel I have eaten too much, it’s becoming more fulfilling. It seems easy and natural, which I guess it is natural to keep food down.


I am not sure if I mentioned this but I did end up opening up a savings account. There is nothing in there though but I have one, so thats a start.

I was trying to read my Stephan King book for some easy reading but I think I will stick to the college books until I get myself ahead I can breath some. It’s still good to read though. I went to bed reading my nutrition book and read it some this morning. I am still exercising my brain regardless, probably more so.


I should start saving up for skydiving. I think it’s about 220 to go. Even if it’s just like 20 bucks a month, by July that will be a decent chunk of the cost.


My socializing has been work. I am not exactly sure when I will have time for socializing outside of work, school, and hockey. Bailey will have his meet-ups so that may be my only chance to really “socialize.” I do get requests to go to meet-ups and stuff, I just am on a really tight budget and schedule these days. But that is okay because I am still actively participating in discussions in class.


I need to find time to get to the gym. Once I have more of a schedule with school and work this will be easier to do so. I would prefer to go before work but that means getting up earlier and going to bed earlier, but I am limited on going to bed earlier because of studying. I am trying to make a balance with my schedule, I’ll give myself a few days, I am still trying to figure everything out. No pressure!


I am going to buy some counter chairs so I can start drawing. Even if it is only like a half hour a day or something, it is good to have a healthy relaxing coping mechanism, especially now that I am sure I will be stressed occasionally throughout the semester.


Well peeps, I think I am doing pretty good. I am trying to figure out my shipments for today, I really wish things weren’t so last minute. That is okay though, I am learning to handle these stressors a little better…like gradually, but I am. I should get to work though, it is almost lunch time haha. Have a good day everyone!

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Also…Bailey had a full Spa a couple days ago at daycare, he was EXHAUSTED after, but his nails were trimmed, his fur was nice and soft and trimmed, his teeth were clean, his face was pretty, his butt was clean, and his ears were cleaned! He still smells wonderful.

Oh Well

Soooo, staying sober for a month didn’t go as planned. HOWEVER, I am in a new mindset about this. I don’t do well with depravity, in fact it gives me cravings for more of something. But having a couple drinks last night was relaxing, however, its not the same. I have noticed it changing for awhile but its like I was drinking before to get to that point of needing it like I needed it before, I just was never able to get there. I don’t know how else to explain it other then I know I don’t need it. It was just a good night and that was it. It is nice to know I don’t need it though because school is starting and that comes before any fun. So…yeah, first and only New Years Resolution broken. Its whatever Lol.


SCHOOL STARTS TODAY! So I am very excited for school starting. I don’t know why, it just seems very right. I am so excited to be learning more.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

This was the first thing my Creative Writing instructor posted. I am going to love this class.

I am taking a Business Computer class because it will really help with work since everything we do is computer related, so I am excited to be taking that. I am taking a nutrition class that I think will really benefit me for obvious reasons. I am excited for my Social Problems class because of the world I grew up in. I am hoping to gain better insight into our society…or at least a normal view.


So last night I drank as much as I normally would. I should have taken into account that low carbing makes alcohol hit harder and I haven’t drank in almost a week, so I am actually becoming fairly hungover. I feel like my body was probably a little to used to alcohol. Oh well, live and learn. School has started so I really can’t drink as much as I was anyways. It’s just weird though to feel this hungover. I feel like I need to throw up but I wont. Although last night I actually ate and drank but did not purge, so thats actually a pretty big achievement for me…so thats good for the future.


I think I will go open a savings account today during lunch. Bailey is in daycare today and he had his grooming session. I am excited to see how pretty he looks. He got a bath, brushed, toe nails clipped, ears cleaned, butt cleaned, and teeth brushed.


Ughh, I will have to end this short, the bitch (coworker) won’t stop snooping on me…like I don’t know if she’s actually snooping on me but she keeps walking through my office for no real reason. Sooo, well, I’ll end this because I barely can get any words in. Have a good day everyone!

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