11Jan2019

I may have had too much fun at the game last night. I really need to learn alcohol hits me harder and slower these days when I don’t constantly throw it up. I feel gross from the cheese curds also. But I didn’t throw a single thing up and throughly enjoyed everything, our team lost though. We really need a new goalie.

12Jan2019

Ok, so low carb diet over. That is okay though.




TODAY!


Ok, so if your squeamish towards shit, yes literal shit, you probably shouldn’t read this next part.

*ahem*

So, we all now I struggle with bulimia and have been doing GREAT at keeping food down. Today marks 13 days. It hasn’t been rough that much. Like I know I have been gaining weight over the past year so it’s whatever. I still fit into my clothes, they just don’t fit like I like them to. This can be helped with eating healthy and going to the gym but that’s not relevant right now. So, I am not sure if there are any readers who are recovering from eating disorders but today was one of the worst recovery days I have ever had…honestly I would rather have given birth again. So Friday I started eating carbs because 1. Someone brought cookies to work (I ate two) and 2. I was getting fairly concerned with not shitting for a week. So I enjoyed carbs Friday and oh my god I felt like I was going to die Saturday. I woke up yesterday feeling okay. I still felt the side effects of enjoying my booze at the hockey game but drank some coffee and talked to my daughters mom and was feeling better in no time. Than all of a sudden I had to poop, which I was thinking, GREAT! Finally! It’s been over a fucking week! So I tried to go and I really couldn’t push it out, no matter how hard I pushed. Only the tip of this shit would come out and that was barely any at all. When I felt it through the toilet paper (I was going to see if I could fish it out?) and I couldn’t even pinch it, it was that hard! It was like a rock. So I kept trying to push but then started freaking out and became very sweaty (it didn’t help I was researching every death caused by a bowel obstruction). I could literally feel it stretching my intestines inside. I tried walking around and stretching to get it to a different angle. I honestly felt like I was going to die because I could feel shit behind it too. I was afraid that It would build up and my intestines would rip me apart. It hurt so bad. After awhile my daughters mom brought over a stool softener and a suppository. I was scared to use the suppository but eventually it became either I pay for a doctor visit or use it so I did, honestly…that’s probably what a doctor would have done as well. I’m not going to lie, it burned and hurt. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I did it wrong or that I was going to bleed out and die (unlikely now that I’m thinking logically) but my daughters mom held my hand and said I was going to be fine. Eventually she brought me to the toilet and the suppository worked…however, I didn’t wait as long as I should have because it was hurting so bad and I just wanted it out. I was hyperventilating and crying because of the pain and fear. Eventually it came out, I could feel this shit tear into three. After that came a bit more but it was all soft and runny. It clogged the toilet all day. We literally had to work on the toilet from 2pm to midnight. I never would have been able to shit that all out without help. So after that I took a stool softener and laxative to help get the rest of the shit out in there. I am researching foods that will be healthy and easy on my tummy. I only mention this because I think this is probably a major part of recovery because it proves diet is important. If I have any readers who are recovering, this is something to look out for definitely. So I am researching healthy foods that are easy going on the tummy. I hurt really bad afterwards all day but I am feeling good today.

Starting out borderline low carb I think was a great way to start because I didn’t feel guilt while eating and kept food down. It is important however to make sure I am incorporating fruit and a little bit of healthy whole grains in as well. I am going to be taking full advantage in my Nutrition class now and go in with an unbiased mindset. I noticed while reading that when it was talking about a healthy diet and I kept questioning the text and telling myself I shouldn’t be eating all those carbs. I think this is part of that whole yoyo diet, B/P mindset. I have become more excited for this class.


Sorry if that was a bit on the gross side but I have GREAT news! Someone rented my old apartment unit so I no longer have to do a buyout for it AND will get money back. There are still some questions that will be answered later on but nothing major. I will be giving my lawyer a complete breakdown summary of what I am getting back and why. It’s funny what happens when a lawyer becomes involved. But YES, GREAT NEWS! BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE!



Eating Wise

Well, eating has been fairly easy. I even ate some pizza yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed it (I hope that digests okay). My eating habits will have to become healthier though. I am pretty scared of having that pain again.


Drinking Wise

Meh, it’s whatever.I had a tallboy last night with dinner. It lasted awhile because my daughters parents and I played some board games. So this tallboy lasted from probably 5-midnight. I had a little bit of wine to calm my nerves because I felt another possible poop coming along. I had 3 cups of beer at the hockey game Friday which for me that’s actually not much. I would easily down six before. Again…it’s amazing how much money is saved when one doesn’t throw everything up.



So an interesting thing happened yesterday. I don’t really talk about the kid I had from the rape. I kind of explained how bad everything was in ” Life Comes in 3’s” during that time. So I have never had much to do with her other than getting updates from her mom occasionally. Well, yesterday they called me up because their daughter (my daughter?) wanted to talk to me and her mom just wanted to give some updates. I have honestly never talked to this kid before. The last time I saw her she was younger then my daughter and was just learning to really walk. Now she is in second grade and talks a lot. She told me she loves to swim and loves art. I am not really sure how I feel about this. The entire time I was pregnant with her all I imagined was a parasite growing in me because I hated that asshole so much and felt infected. I kinda hated her too because of that. When I had my hypnotherapy session, if you recall, the lady had mentioned letting go any negative feelings because they could be strung back to her, so I did. It is just a weird feeling because obviously she is nothing like that rapist but I don’t know, I still do not want to grow any form of relationship with her, updates are fine. It was just weird was all.


Well, nothing more eventful has really happened. I am just studying and working my time away. I am at my daughters parents right now so will probably go and visit with them. Have a good day everyone!


Advertisements