Keeping My Head Up

It sucks when you no longer find the fulfillment in a workplace because of mismanagement. It’s depressing to even come here. I have been trying to switch departments but with the cluster-fuck that happened and “miscommunication” of my manager, I am fairly certain I will not be accepted anywhere since I was written up by HR. All I did was give a shit about those we serve, oh well. There is nothing I can do but come to work and hope for the best. I feel like every other average worker these days. I need to stop caring so much about helping people, or I guess caring about those that are able to help people, I don’t know. It’s bullshit. In the perfect world I could just be a privileged college kid who’s primary focus is school. I could just be a normal student for once. Well, I cannot be, I have to pay bills.

Speaking of such, I have mentioned that I have a tuition waiver for NDSU. The issue I am running into however is that they don’t really offer a psychology degree online, many of the classes have to be done in class. It just so happens professors work the same hours that I do so it is a very conflicting schedule. I am taking four classes this fall semester that will count towards my electives and requirements, but I am already starting the year behind because three of them are electives rather than the requirements that other students in my class will be taking. I could always transfer to UND in Spring since they offer online classes, the problem is I do not have the tuition scholarship there. I am really trying not to think about the situation for work and school, I am just hoping for a really good opportunity to come along work wise that can work perfectly with school.


My legs are feeling yesterday, it’s a good ache though. I went to the gym this morning but my stupid headphones decided to give out on me. I cannot really have a good cardio workout without music blasting in my ears, I need the music to escape from my mind. Tomorrow I see my PT again so Thursday my arms will be whats sore, I like the pain though.


I am trying to get a lot more fluids in me. I have recently been having a lot more issues with swelling in my legs. I contribute this to always sitting on my ass all day since eighty percent of my workload has been taken from me. I have cut back a lot on drinking as well since that was just adding up carbs and sodium and would work against the hydration. I see some positive results but I think as long as I have a job where I am on my ass all day the effects will still be there. I am trying to walk around more but when work makes you feel miserable it’s hard to want to do anything. I am not sure how much longer I have here if no other departments will accept me due to “miscommunication”. I really am hoping for the best.


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I still love La Croix’s….like seriously, Grapefruit is my new favorite flavor. No sodium, no sugar, no carbs, just pure perfection.


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It has been very gloomy lately; cold, wet, overcast, the air smells like dog shit and construction. It’s kinda the smell all over town, like when the clouds just keep everything masked in. I boiled chicken all day Sunday and than made it into a yummy soup yesterday. I bought a new spice rack so I was very happy to have Rosemary again. I used a lot of seasonings in this soup, very low carb, high protein, and a power meal full of vitamins and minerals. It was delicious and made my tummy nice and warm.


ALSO, I can’t believe I ever saw myself as “so fat!” as a letter carrier. I was roughly 130 pounds here, but my legs were pure muscle so that added weight. I was wearing layered clothes here because the temps were sub-zero and my uniform was still baggy! Like I have two layers of pants on here and the thigh portion of my legs were literally twice the size because I have a rectangle figure. So so dumb, my hip bones easily showed underneath as well as my ribs, and I still wanted to lose another twenty pounds. Ugh!

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Well, I do not have much more to write about this morning. I am trying to keep my head up but it does suck lately. Also, as for my book, the kindle version is officially $5.99

and the paper back is $8.99

For some reason they are not connected on Amazon. Also, I am not sure if people who click Facebook links can write reviews since Amazon doesn’t allow friends or family to review, so I found GoodReads that will allow

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45312705-sixty?from_search=true

So please review! 🙂 


Well, my coffee mug is empty so I think I will go fill it. If anyone has any ideas of how to promote my book further I would love to hear it. I have been getting quite a few likes on FB from advertising in San Francisco, New York, Orlando, and Chicago (I wanted high populated areas to reach further). Those advertisements should be ending in the next few days. My free book promo ended at midnight last night. So yeah, if anyone has good ideas, let me know 🙂 Well, have a good day peeps.

Need to keep Balanced

I think I let myself feel too much of a high with the excitement of my book being published, I have been feeling pretty down the past couple days. I really need to watch that. Excitement is fun but I always need to keep my emotions equal otherwise the result is equally low. My avid followers already know this of me though. I feel mentally exhausted because of this. However, I do feel physically exhausted not because of the low spell but because my personal trainer decided to kick my ass today with legs. I will be feeling this tomorrow so I am going to hit the gym up and do the elliptical.


Time

“So much sky,” I whisper to myself as I hold my hand up to the sun.

The ground beneath me has charred remains of a fire long ago. I look to my left at an abandoned old church, I believe it must have been beautiful back in its prime, now it is just an example of how time doesn’t even respect religion. We all crumble eventually. A chill run across my hand as a breeze passes on by. I sit up facing the tombstones to the right of me.

“I’m sure you were once full of life, a carefree child running through these fields, growing up to feel the pain of love and death, only to grow old and appreciate life as it was ending and dying in a bitter taste, or maybe you appreciated it all along and never took a second for granted and died surrounded by loved ones because you never stopped believing in the good. I wonder what your story was…” I whisper to the tombstone.

I love old graveyards and abandoned churches. They are where nature does its course without any intervening. The words on the stones hold the memories of the past, the earth and its inhabitants have eaten the physical sense of the being. I look over all the graveyards, many of the tombstones have decayed but I still see a fair amount. Another breeze flows by me along with a cloud overhead, my spine shivers momentarily as the shadow passes on me. It’s so quiet, only when we are dead are we truly at peace.

“How many times have I worried about my body, starving myself, binging, purging, dieting, mutilated it, only in the end to be you, just bones in the ground insects of licked clean, kind of silly I suppose,” I whisper as I hold my hand out to feel the old lettering in the stone. It’s cold, even on this warm day. The edges that were once clean cut are now weathered down and rough. Another breeze, this one kind of warm, carries the sweet scent of grass, trees, and wild flowers. I close my eyes and take the scents in. I listen to the trees ruffle with the breeze, in the distance birds sing to each other, not a care in the world, not afraid of time, they merely know their roll in nature. What is my roll? Maybe intelligence is the biggest trick the devil could play. A bang from behind me startles me and as I jump up and turn around, I see a bunny running from the church. This church has a haunting look to it, if the sky was overcast, I probably would feel a little uneasy, it is beautiful none the less. I walk towards it and as I do the steeple seems to grow ten-fold. I look up and can still see an old bell still withstanding the crumbling of time.

“How many people listened to your bell? How many people have walked through these doors, believing you held some sort of power over their souls? How many children had it thrown down their throats that only you could save them from eternal damnation? How many children went through these doors every Sunday believing if they didn’t, they would suffer from the fires of hell. Your bell rang every Sunday morning, but there was always going to be a last time you rang. If your walls could talk, would they breathe a sigh of relief they did not have to hold such a burden anymore?”I speak to the abandoned pieces of wood and scrap metal, they don’t respond. So, I keep on talking as slowly making my way through the large decayed wooden doors. They have held their shape pretty well, but the hinges look as if they could break any second.

“You are still beautiful, no one can really outdo natures beauty, even Monet tried to mimic nature, hell, even our televisions try, and no matter how ultra-k the picture, nothing will ever amount to reality. Someday television and pictures will be all that we have after nature finally gives up,” I speak louder as walking through another set of doors into a room full of pews. The air is musty and damp. Pieces of the ceiling have caved in and broken a few of the pews and the wooden floor has molded. Even in the remnants of decay this place in beautiful. I stare in awe as the sun shines through the stained glass, it creates waves of colored dust. Up ahead is a table that once held the blood and body of Christ every Sunday. A table that once held so much power has now caved in to time.

“Even nature can outdo god,” I say as I walk down the aisle, “How many of you spirits still reside here, praying, waiting for redemption and eternal salvation? Do you even know that you are dead? The afterlife is so much more than god.”

I sit on a stair that leads up to the broken table and sit and look out among the pews.

“Many people do not like your home, they don’t know why though, I do though. People do not like to think of their immortality and this place represents just that. Your graves hold the skeletons of the most beautiful and most ugly of you, but you look the same now, just rotted bones. Maybe some of your souls have moved on, but this place still holds the memories of your devotion out of fear. I find peace in my immortality, I suppose that is why I find peace here,” I preach softly to the non-existent followers. The sun slowly fades as I hear the wind pick up outside. The weather called for a storm later today, it must be rolling in. I get up and bow to the emptiness. Maybe this storm will be mother nature’s final calling to this place. I walk out the doors and soft rain sprinkles on my face as I head to my car. I don’t look back, for the past should stay in the past.


Well, the final free promo to my book is coming to an end. I suppose 40 people reached is not bad, I just hope they liked it enough to read it fully and refer it. I am not sure if Facebook users who click the links can review. I have been reading information that say Amazon won’t allow friends or family to review and coming from Facebook they may think the people I am advertising to are friends. So if you can, reviewing on Goodreads too will also help spread my book. 🙂

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/45312705-sixty?ac=1&from_search=true


I will probably be heading off to bed now, I have to get up early for the gym, i plan on having a good cardio workout tomorrow. Thank you for all the support, have a good evening, as before, be good to yourselves.

 

 

Free Promo :)

I officially have the paperback version available for my novel.

I am kind of wondering if I am overhyping this book, maybe it’s not really that special. Everyone has shit in their lives. Considering half the worlds population is engulfed in poverty I imagine most of that deals with some sort of abuse, whether it be witnessing or experiencing. Granted, I was never in the “poverty” of lets say Haiti but we were by no means privileged either. I suppose this book isn’t all about just abuse though either, it’s about the overwhelming pressure society puts on women to be perfect as well. I guess it’s not even just limited to that, its also all the media we have coming at us that convinces us the only way to experience emotions is through materialism, booze, food, and technology. People seem to forget we are still animals but we are animals so disconnected from this planet. So much disconnection with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. So I guess maybe my book is just the product of the mind that is able to tell what happens to the brain as it’s slowly dying? I don’t really know what to think now, the excitement for it is gone and it’s more like what did I do?


On a side note:

I am running a FREE BOOK PROMO for today 28Apr2019 and tomorrow 29Apr2019 for the kindle version. All that I ask is you give it honest reviews on Amazon and refer it. I am not sure exactly to whom to refer, I mean I can say the emotionally and mentally pained, but it’s not a story of hope really, it’s just reality. Sometimes reality is easier to handle though when you know there is someone who understands the pain.

 

IDK WHAT IM DOING

So bare with me because  I honestly have no idea what I am doing. I am trying to find ways to advertise my novel because it makes sense I want to make some money off of it. I have created a Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/UnbreakableKitten

I guess @UnbreakableKitten is my new username, I suppose thats a good. Feel free to like and share it 🙂

So for my novel I am creating a paperback version as well. It will be $8.99 and available on Amazon as well. I am doing a paper version because it feels more concrete. I know I would want a paperback version for myself so I am thinking maybe a couple others would too. If its only available on Kindle than all it would take is a solar flare to wipe out technology for my novel to no longer exist. I am trying to stop that type of thinking though. There is no real reason for me to always be prepared for the worst to happen, I mean there is, but not to let it make me as anxious and depressed as I used to. Eventually it becomes illogical.

Anyways, I mainly wanted to inform my readers that in case you were wanting to purchase my book but wanted a paperback version it will be available soon hopefully. Whats sad is I am already bored with the book, UGH, I know it is good because everyone keeps telling me that, like my daughters mom says, I just get bored with the old. Except its TWO DAYS OLD.

Oh well, this isn’t actually like a life update post, I may still post later. I have sausage cooking so I am going to go enjoy some breakfast.

Also, when one author asks another author to read their book in return the other author needs to read the others book, who knew? So I have not yet started on this, I plan to today, but in case any of my readers are interested as well.

 

Officially a Published Author

Well, good news came while I slept last night and that was my book was approved to be published. I am sure most people who attempt to publish a book on Amazon get the approval but I am very proud of this novel. As I said before, my avid readers would recognize much of it, but there is some new stuff as well. Now that I am published I am already criticizing what an ugly cover I chose. Oh well, we all know I will never be perfect enough for myself. Either way, check it out! Refer it, give it honest reviews (I am not sure I will read them, I am a terrible critic of myself, I do not know if I could handle others negativity LOL)


Well, I have one class down and four left to go. I love being so close to the end of the school year. I am ready for a break, however it will be a short lived one since I am taking summer school. It’s okay, I need to keep myself busy.

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It’s a bit chillier evening but its calm and peaceful. Not everyday can be warm and perfect. It’s better than a shitload of snow (some of ND is getting it though this weekend)


Well, I have some yummy enchiladas cooking that are about done. It’s finally Friday so I am going to do absolutely nothing tonight but relax. This was mainly a post to check out my new book, and if you already know the story, please rate it 🙂

Have a good night peeps.

Sixty: A Memoir of the Abused

Well, I finished my book yesterday. I am very proud of it. I have only attempted to publish it on Kindle so far because I want to see how many readers I get from that. I have never published anything before on Amazon. I am nervous. I read that normally it will take 12 hours or less for English novels to be released. I published yesterday morning so I am not exactly sure what gives, I am hoping my book is not deemed inappropriate. Pretty much the book is my blogs of recovery summed up into sixty days along with poetry. Its not a lot of poetry but it fits nice. I keep the rawness and to be honest there were a few areas it was hard to read none the less perfect. On word it is about 107 pages. I am proud of it none the less, it just felt like the right time to publish. Now I just wait.

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Also yes, that is my real name, not Kitten (as if that seemed realistic LOL)


So I have deleted all my blogs up to this point. There is no need for them. After a certain point (the “Life comes in 3’s” if any of my readers remember) there was not a lot of point left. I wrote everything about my life to the point I was actually very bored with my past. In fact writing the book (it was for a college class) I was so bored. It wasn’t until I added some poetry that I felt it was alive again. All my writings can be summed up in this book. I am not sure if I will continue to blog, after all, my life is not that interested these days, I mean it is good, but its also just normal.


I mention this in my book but I have been bulimia free since January 1st, 2019. At this point I am not sure I could even really throw up easily. I get full and satisfied. I get overfull and uncomfortable as anyone would. I still try to stick to lower carb foods but I also splurge on fries and beer at hockey games and occasionally candy. I have learned the hard way sugar free candy needs to be enjoyed in moderation and that keeping real sugar down can overwhelm my body. I have learned to enjoy my wine and gin. My body has changed a lot but I have a personal trainer I see twice a week. I notice myself getting stronger but am learning to accept that I will probably never be as skinny as I once was…to be honest I am not sure I want to be anyways. I can lay on my side without my ribs and hips bruising. In fact I do not bruise that much anymore.

I do still have issues with bloating so I am trying to drink a lot more water and cut down on sodium.

I do still take vitamins and supplements but I am pretty regular these days.

I still love my apartment, I love feeling safe and secure.

I have started the process of fixing my teeth, I had my first root canal done for the really bad tooth. When I went to the dentist a few months ago she pretty much said either we fix it now or I have it pulled. I cannot fathom the thought of having lost teeth so I decided I might as well start the process. I will be paying on the root canal for a few months but I maxed out my insurance with it so will just take baby steps.

Although my belly is bigger I have to say, having boobs is kinda nice. I mean, I have gone from a padded B bra to easily a non padded D cup. I seem to have more cellulite since stopping purging caused and influx in weight. It wasn’t even just that, it was feeling emotional and having a hard time getting away from the binging that put weight on. But even when I “binge” now, it is not even close to what I ate in a single meal setting when I would throw it all up. That has caused the alcoholism to go away. I do admit I still go overboard occasionally but I am okay with that, because in the end its one million times better than where I was at.

Happy 90%


Work is work at this point. There have been a lot of changes. I am trying not to put too much of my pride and happiness in work these days. I am proud to be in the company that serves the clients that we do but with a lot of negative changes and mismanagement I have been letting it get to me too much, so at this point I am just taking things as they come. I don’t get paid enough to worry anymore than that. I actually hope that maybe I can make enough off my book to be able to just focus on school and not work, chances of that are slim, however I have a good partner who loves to work hard so I actually have been able to improve my grades for this last end of the semester push.


Speaking of which, I have been accepted into NDSU with a tuition scholarship for the next four years as an undergraduate. I will be taking two classes this summer and will have my associates after that so I can start of the Fall semester headed towards my bachelors. I have decided Psychology is what best suits me. I know my mind always goes back and fourth but honestly it will always do that. My mind just keeps going back to wanting to help people. Depending on how things work out I may try UND as well for an online degree, it all depends on how my workplace works out. That is nothing to worry about for now. At this point I know I can handle almost anything that comes my way.


Now that winter is over (OMG IT WAS A LONG FUCKING ONE AT THAT!) I spend evenings finishing up homework, going to my daughter and her parents for evening walks, or just sitting on my balcony watching the sun set.

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I love where I am at, whether it be physically or life in general. There are bad days and nights, but more often there are good. My mind is probably permanently FUCKED, but thats okay, there will always be an end. There are still times I would love to just slit my wrists and to just let go but than I think of nights like tonight where I am watching the sun set and my cats and dog happy, a slight breeze, think of my daughter and her family, think of my parents and friends, its not worth it to die, not yet.


I am very grateful for the readers who continued to follow me through the worst of times. I would have never imagined I could be where I am at. I would not have continued to blog if I wasn’t reaching people. Well, I suppose that is all for tonight. I have some homework to finish and than will relax. I need to hit the gym tomorrow, Bailey is headed to daycare in the morning, and I suppose it will just be another day, which is okay. Hopefully my book is approved. I really hope I didn’t make a stupid spelling mistake, I tried to correct them all. Well, have a great evening everyone. Don’t take your life for granted and keep on fighting.