You ever have those nightmares you cannot get out of? You know your dreaming and you know it’s going to get really bad and so you force yourself to wake up, but your not really awake. So than you force your self awake again, but again, you feel awake but you know you aren’t, you are just trapped and you just have to keep on running. Normally when I get really afraid and I know something bad is going to happen is when I can really wake myself up. I have wondered though what would happen if I didn’t? Is that what a coma feels like? If I was truly lost in my mind it would be a nightmare; a coma of continuous nightmares. I suppose they are not always bad though, my vivid dreams. They are so beautiful sometimes, so beautiful I would be happy if I never woke up. Whatever the dream though, the vivid ones I have take so much out of me, I wake up and feel as if I never slept. It’s a good thing dreams can’t kill lol.
Today is gloomy, we should be having a chain of gloomy days for a bit. Five years ago I came to this city to have an abortion at 24, that day was as gloomy as today. I knew back then I wanted to be here. From there on I always had this place as my goal to get to. Now I am here, the air smells the same and the sky looks the same as that day but it doesn’t feel like the same place as I visited five years ago. I recognize everything but everything is still new and unfamiliar in ways. Maybe it is me, I am different after all, but also not. I am still trying to hold on, I am still waiting for the end of this broken mind.
Goals, I have to keep goals, thats the only way of success and fully recovering.
- Get out of debt
- Fix teeth completely
- Be healthy
Those are my three big goals. A second job will really help with me getting out of debt. I need to pay down my consolidation loan. That alone would save me $360 a month once that is out of the way. There is a little over 8k left on it. I would like to pay off my root canal sooner too since that is $142 a month till November. I am noticing pain in my upper right molar, sharp pain, so I am thinking that may eventually need a root canal as well. Hopefully it can last till my insurance renews next year. I am thinking I need to be prepared in case I have to have it done right away though. Being healthy means continuing my personal trainer. It also means having the funds to buy healthy food. A second job will also help this. Being mentally healthy is having less stress which all I am doing right now is stressing over finances. I am thinking this second job is inevitable, I have to try it. I can do this, I have to.
“Use your words Kateri”
“What if there are no words to explain what I feel?”
But theres always words…isn’t there?…
Coffee seems to be helping my body wake up. I feel different. Ugh I feel like I am hungover in a way even though I am not. I feel like I could sleep for a months strait.
Hello new reader!
Hello old readers coming back, I recognize you.
I do not have much more to say. I am not sure how often I will read my book, maybe once a week? Idk, it seemed awkward. Siiiigh…I should be productive. Have a good day everyone! Be good to yourselves 🙂
Well, I thought I would start that reading I said I was thinking about, please forgive the awkwardness. Also pay no attention to my cats trying to kill each other or Bailey being Bailey.
It’s been just a blah couple days. I applied for a second job yesterday at the liquor store neighboring me. I am pretty split on if I want it or not. I do not like feeling like I am on a tight string financially. Theres a possibility that I could start working 4-10’s M-T. I say possibility because my boss said I could but than when I emailed him (because my daughters mom thought it would be good to have a paper trail) he came and told me he would have to look into it because he’s not sure if it would be allowed. I could actually make a pretty good defense as to why it’s a good thing but I will wait and see how it plays out. Anyways, I am looking to work F-S-S if it works out. This store is only open till 11pm and 6 pm on Sundays. I would be able to have breathing room, especially if I can do a clinical study. There just happens to be a study being done for $400 more than the original study I was thinking of doing and the same two Saturdays. It would be $1295. That along with my dispersement from college and than whatever I receive for a summer bonus I should be sitting okay. The only thing though about a second job is I will have even less time with my daughter and her parents. I already feel like I’m losing them but the stress of being so close to broke again I cannot stand. My mind is just trying to handle it all and its not easy. So, I figure the worst that can happen is the second job doesn’t work out but I think I need to at least try or I will keep telling myself I should have gotten that second job if things get worst financially. So….we will see how it goes. Theres too much time to think anyways now that theres no classes.
I took Bailey to the park tonight, I actually socialized with a lady. She had a really cute little pup, he was part Corgi. I liked her, she seemed a lot like me. She seemed like she was just struggling to survive also. She was probably fifties I think. I hope I see her again. Bailey ate grass and threw up and her dog kept trying to eat it, dogs can be so gross.
So, a dog park and a resume have pretty much been the only real life events that have happened the past couple days…I doubt they could be considered events but thats how excited things have been. My eating is still healthy and I have my personal trainer in the morning. Well….I hope my video wasn’t too terrible. Have a good night peeps. 🙂
P.S. Hello 2 new readers 🙂 I appreciate you being here. If you would like to know how I got to this point, here is a link.
I envy the elderly in ways. Not all of them, but the ones who have found their peace in this world. The ones who truly enjoy the sunsets, for each dusk could be the last glimpse of beauty before they rest eternally. The ones who can walk on a trail and fully enjoy the fresh air because they know it could very well be their last. Each leaf that falls off a tree in Fall is like time ticking by, each heartbeat…the last leaf falls, the last of the blood runs through the heart, the bare lifeless tree and the bare lifeless veins. Why do we not appreciate this beauty before it’s gone? Watching crows dig for worms, listening to invisible crickets, thunder rolling in the distance, a sweep of cold air that gives goosebumps up the spine, a sweet smell of new grass…why do we never slow down until the end? I want to feel, I want to listen, I want to see, before it’s too late.
Many days are a struggle, some are worst than others like today. I do not see the point on living a lot days, I think this is happening more often than not right now. I don’t see the point to my life. It’s exhausting to struggle alone. It’s exhausting to not be able to communicate the anxiety and pain. What is the point of the struggle? Some would say god, but we all know I find that a load of crap. Others would say children but I will never bring another child into this shitty world. It’s hard enough being a birthmother. It’s not a bad thing to be a birthmother, but there is definitely a heartache every time you think about how your daughter will never call you mom. I wonder if thats how my birthmother felt. Who knows, she had other kids to call her mom though. I live paycheck to paycheck and struggle hard to make ends meet, especially now. More money hasn’t gotten me ahead, it’s just helped me afford security and stability but the stress is still there, maybe more so these days because there is more fear of failing. What is the point of this stress? Realistically I could die and time will continue to move on. Why am I wanting to be healthy? To live longer in this fucked up world? I will feel better again soon, I always do, but all it takes is a reality check and a moment of weakness against my thoughts to realize how insignificant I really am. I hate this world. I really don’t think I was meant to be born in this time. I used to use binging and purging as a way to cope with these emotions, since I am over that, now I am just empty. So so empty. My eyes are swollen again, I am about out of ice. I will never be good enough for anyone or anything. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more optimistic for my readers, I can’t always be a role model. It’s just one of those days, I am sure many of you are all too familiar. It will pass, right? I will just go take a shower and put on the happy costume.
Is Bullshit! When will Americans just start minding their own fucking business. First of all, a woman can’t even have an abortion if she is raped with this law. I heard all too many times that “God works in mysterious ways,” bullshit when I was raped and got pregnant. That fucked me up for years! And guess what? After shitty and abusive relationships, I ended up getting an abortion anyways because of how fucked up that pregnancy made me. And I would have had one whether it was illegal or not.
Sure, a pro-lifer can bring out someone who says that she loves her rapists baby and yada yada yada, but that one person doesn’t represent EVERYONE who has ever had to deal with that. If I wouldn’t have been so afraid of my parents die hard Catholic views and wouldn’t have been so afraid of getting kicked out for having an abortion after the rape, I probably would have been a lot more successful now. Women who have abortions do NOT ALL feel remorse and depression. Honestly if they are in the situation where they feel they need to have an abortion, chances are they have already dealt with some sort of depression already. Again, just because I didn’t doesn’t mean I represent a majority of the whole. I have met plenty of women who have said its the best thing they did for themselvesI and have also met women who feel remorse, theres two sides. Also, if I wouldn’t have had an abortion, I would still be dealing with an abusive relationship and all that would have lead to is another kid growing up in another unstable home. Abortion is pretty much the only real area a woman has rights because even if a woman chooses adoption she needs consent from the sperm donor. Ya know, all meth-head sperm donors make GREAT fathers and deserve rights!
I love my daughter and her parents but without that past I wouldn’t be here nor my daughter, honestly I’d probably be dead. So I have no remorse of having an abortion and honestly wish I would have had one after the rape. People need to just fucking mind their own business and not be judgmental assholes. Stop infringing on women’s rights just because your God says something wrong because I could easily say my Gods are right by saying abortion is okay (I don’t have any God, but still). Also make birth control more affordable to women who don’t have insurance, hell, even to women who do, because just the doctor visits to get birth control can add up. But wait, thats murder too, oh yeah, only women who can afford to have kids should enjoy sex, my bad. I mean, we criticize women on welfare, after all, they shouldn’t have been such whores to like sex in the first place, who cares about the kids they pop out because abortion is illegal and birth control is too expensive.
Gawd this country needs better shit to worry about, like how about the devaluing of our dollar? How about the gap between wealth and poverty getting wider? Maybe our failing school systems? (Wait, I forget, we are not supposed to care about the embryos once they are outside the womb) How about our politicians making six figure digits while millions (and when I say MILLIONS, like roughly 40 MILLION) AMERICANS LIVE IN POVERTY! Thats not even counting the lower middle class to poor class who are just barely making it and all it takes is one missed paycheck, ONE sick day, to be in poverty. Instead we just want to clean out homeless people from the streets by hiding them and making it harder for them to find places to sleep. As long as we don’t see it it must not exist right? But lets tell women that men control every aspect of their body because essentially thats what it comes down to.
“Oh I can fuck the shit out of you without consent repeatedly, beat the fuck out of you, but bitch, I will have fatherly rights when I knock you up.”
Gawd I fear for my daughter everyday with this country. I really hope shit gets better once the baby boomers start dying out but damn, can our country hold on that long?
My generation and younger are told we are snowflakes for getting offended, but guess what? Just because I am offended does not mean I go and try into invoke my beliefs on others. It means I mind my own fucking business.
Anyways, rant over…
It has been a good couple days at the gym. Yesterday I burned 750 calories doing the elliptical. So normally I will do the elliptical because of my knees since the pounding of running on a treadmill can really bother them. Even on the elliptical my knees would normally hurt, especially once I would get home and walked up the stairs to my third floor apartment. Well yesterday after my workout on the elliptical I went home and the stairs were so easy. Like I could feel a dull ache under my knee cap going up the stairs but my knees felt supported and stable. They did not shake at all. It was a great feeling. So today I started out with the elliptical again but got bored so decided why not work my lower body on the weights. Today is my first day lifting weights alone. When I first started my personal trainer, I was barely squatting a plain 45lbs bar, well, today I made it to squatting 100 lbs 🙂 My arms definitely feel stronger too. Now that I know what I am doing when it comes to lifting certain weights and using certain weight machines, I am a lot more comfortable working out on my own. Of course I still have to keep my personal trainer the rest of the year but I think it is worth it, after all, this is my health and recovery we are talking about. It is expensive sure, but its cheaper than an eating disorder rehab facility and I have probably done better than I ever would have being an inpatient. It’s hard to believe it’s been 5 1/2 months.
My eating is continuing to be fresh. Last night I made homemade buffalo chicken and put it on top of a fresh salad with an avocado. It was amazing. I am so excited to eat the rest for lunch today. I love avocados and they are healthy fats. I remember when I started blogging I hated avocados and I said I was going to end up being just be another millennial who ate their avocados on toast after blogging. Well, I don’t eat toast because of the carbs but damn, I am becoming a stereotype LOL.
My protein shake after the gym seems to be replenishing my muscles, I am feeling so much stronger. My bloat from last weekend is non-existent and my legs are not swollen at all today. There was some leg bloat last night but I am thinking the water, low carb healthy eating, and exercising is really helping, which is good. I don’t want to get any blood clots. I had a bad headache yesterday, I have been getting those in the evenings but yesterday it lasted all day, even with pain reliever. It’s gone today but I am attributing it with getting the carbs and toxins out of my body. I feel really good today body wise though. The 11-7 eating window is working out really well, I think it teaches good discipline.
I keep having to tell myself that our clients are helping and saving millions of people, that is how I keep myself here. I feel like many departments motto is becoming if you have time to have fun and enjoy work than you must not have enough to do, which is a bummer. Maybe that is just the growing pains though.
-A quote from my Human Relations in Organizations textbook-
“Supervisory–management personnel are in a key position to influence employee behavior. It is no exaggeration to say that supervisors and managers are the spokespersons for the organization. Their philosophy, competence, and leader- ship style establish the organization’s image in the eyes of employees. Each employee develops certain perceptions about the organization’s concern for his or her welfare. These perceptions, in turn, influence such important factors as productivity, customer relations, safety consciousness, and loyalty to the firm.”
For as great of a company as we are, from our founders dream for this company to how many clients we help, it’s poor management that can bring this company down. There is so much distrust among workers here due to management. When looking on Glassdoor of reviews the current and previous workers from here aren’t wrong. How can workers go to management when there is so much “miscommunication?” Too many managers are here for the money, hell even my manager said he just expects to keep going higher and has proved he will not put the client first. Its the workers who aren’t suck-ups to management who care about the clients and care enough to speak up, but that just lands them in trouble. Shit, we even have workers who are willing to spy on other workers for their managers. Probably 80 percent of the areas are toxic but that could change too because there is a new plan for the company to be broken into sections. Maybe that will help? But much of our staff is overworked, I hope it doesn’t just lead to more micromanaging and overworking. We have many people who are loyal to our founder but people can only take so much. My coworker who left was not happy about leaving, she was fairly sad, but also relieved because her environment was that toxic. She loved the company and our founder but it was too much. I am afraid this may become a new trend, out with the old loyal workers, in with the new workers who think of this as just another job. I will keep holding on though for the time being.
So I mentioned my textbooks quote, yeah…I couldn’t stay away from studying for summer school LOL. I ordered my textbooks and have started reading one. I want to get A’s since I am taking only three classes. I know I can do this.
Also, my book hit #1 New Release! (In
Thank-you to the couple more people who have bought my book, I appreciate it! Enjoy! 🙂
Well, I suppose I should go be productive. It’s a little longer blog since I did not blog yesterday. I planned to last night but than went to the park with my daughter and her parents and than got home and tidied up a bit before bed. I feel like my thoughts are starting to spread themselves out. I think my mind is finally recovering from my fever last week. Well, everyone have a good day!
Welcome my 2 new readers! 😀 (There is nothing interesting today)
Today was another good day of eating clean. I did not count my carbs to the gram but I know I stayed between 15-30 (I get tired of counting). For dinner I have been trying to make enough for leftovers for lunch. Instead of grabbing something quick I can eat cleaner and know what exactly I am eating. ITS ALSO SAVING MONEY! The 11-7 eating frame window seems to be working well. This morning I did the upper body at the gym and had my IsoPure shake afterwards for muscle replenishment. Tomorrow I think I will try to do more cardio and possibly legs. It really depends on how early I get up. My head feels kind of full tonight but I think it’s because I need to drink more water. My nutrients are where they should be. I do not feel deprived (except of junk food when I was at Walmart) and I feel full and satisfied once again. I do not snack during work with this 11-7 eating window. I am not hungry actually. I eat till I am full during lunch and that lasts me till dinner where I eat till I am full again. I eat less this way but I don’t go over on carbs, calories, and fat. I suppose if it works than keep on doing it until an issue arises.
My coworker got let go early instead of being able to finish her notice. It really bummed me out. I do not know if there will be a going away party for her tomorrow. I hope so. If not I will still be happy to just meet with her and bitch. I have to keep holding on. I know I will be able to find that pride at work again, our company is doing great things. I just have to keep quiet and watch how things pan out. I truly do believe karma can be a bitch, not because theres some supernatural force that controls it, but because eventually we have to account for our actions. I just hope that people see all I did was call out bullshit when I saw it because I cared that much about my job and our clients. As for now, I just have to sit back, shut the fuck up, and write.
I took Bailey to a pup meet-up this evening. He didn’t play much. It was at his daycare. I think he just likes to dog watch. He plays more at the park when we go. It was nice just to have the fresh air. I think we may actually have a storm coming. I very much enjoy thunderstorms. I don’t think Bailey does though so he will get extra cuddles.
I guess days are just days right now. I am just trying to enjoy my few weeks off from school before summer school starts on June 6th. I am trying to enjoy reading what I am interested in rather than school requirements. It is nice to have more time for my personal interests.
Well, this storm seems to be getting closer. I am going to make some tea and read my book (Infected atm) while listening to the storm. I love viruses, they are so beautiful. Maybe I will write more tomorrow. I have a lot of thoughts in my head, it’s just a matter of organizing them. Life keeps happening though so more thoughts get mixed in. Right when I think I have it all figured out something happens. Oh well, I have to keep holding on right? Well have a good night! Have good dreams!
Also, another reader of my book! 😀 Even if you do not finish it thank you for giving it a chance! And if you do like it, please leave reviews on Amazon or Goodreads.com 🙂
Well, I have had two good days in a row of eating clean, fresh home made low carb foods. I am trying intermittent fasting. I doubt the fasting will be long term but I am trying not to eat till 11 am. I think on days that I work out I will have an IsoPure Protein shake for muscle replenishment but thats all for the breakfast. One thing I have noticed is if I eat breakfast than I want to keep on eating throughout the day. For some reason sticking to lunch and dinner I do not. I have read that it does not matter WHEN you have breakfast but WHAT you have for your first meal of the day that matters. After all, I could work overnights but the first meal of the day is always breakfast. I guess what I have is more of a brunch? My daily nutrient intake is where it should be and I do not feel hungry. I want to stop eating by 7pm. The past couple nights I have done just that. Tonight I took Bailey for a walk after dinner to help digest my dinner and now I am relaxing with a cup of tea. I feel full and satisfied but not uncomfortable.
So for the readers who have followed me the past year you already have an idea of what my style is. Since I have moved and am all settled in I thought I would take some time to show you and my new readers my apartment.
I actually just rearranged it and reorganized everything now that it’s warm weather and I can have fresh air inside. It’s like a second spring cleaning. Sorry for the blur. I was trying to do a panorama style and I move too much. Although on my phone it looks crystal clear.
Also, my two year old daughter made me this for Christmas. I think its beautiful. I’d like to think she will eventually be a well known artist.
Someone else must have started reading my book, the page numbers of “read” have gone up the past few days. If you are a current blog reader I hope you enjoy it. If not, thats okay, I wasn’t a big fan either. 🙂
I have always found it really cool when readers from around the world read my blog. It’s not that it feeds my ego or anything, it’s just cool that the world is that connected. Kenya, Sweden, Albania, Ireland, and the Philippines, those are the ones that have stand out to me right now because I haven’t had followers from those places before. It will sound weird but I forget that the world exists sometimes. Not that I think the world revolves around me (granted I am American LOL) but I get so busy with school, work, and life that it kind of feels like all that matters is this neighborhood. I guess unless the fire is burning in your backyard than it’s easily forgotten about. I would love to travel to other countries before the earth dies.
I am thinking about maybe starting a reading video of my book, another words, pretty much read my book out loud on a video in sessions. I am not sure when or how I will go about doing that but I think maybe that could help me reach my readers on a personal level. Right now if someone were to read my book it would just be another story of some abused individual. However, if I have reading sessions than maybe people can connect more personally and truly understand the impact of the story. It’s just a thought though for the time being.
Well, I should probably get to bed. I told my personal trainer to kick my ass in the morning since I missed Monday. I am still trying to get rid of the leg bloat from splurging this weekend. I will probably go read my book as I drink some sleepy time tea. See, thats how serious I am about getting into shape, I could just be enjoying my wine watching documentaries on Netflix, but no, I am limiting myself. Thursday I am planning on going out after work for drinks with my coworker who is leaving. It’s like a farewell. I fully plan on keeping in contact with her though. She’s nice. Have a good night everyone. Sleep well peeps 🙂