Just Here I Suppose

 

It is a beautiful morning. My head still has a bit of throbbing to it but nothing too terrible compared to the past few days. I am sitting outside getting some fresh air. Who knew a Saturday morning could be so busy on the interstate.


It is weird being at the point in life that I am. I always thought that being where I am that finances would be easier, after all,¬† a job that pays high enough with really good benefits should put you ahead right? Instead I consolidated debt and am paying more for security and reliability with my apartment and new car. Financially I am still just living paycheck to paycheck, except probably tighter at times. I wonder at what point does it all even out and I start getting ahead. I could get another job I suppose but that would be make school even more difficult. I do not know if I necessarily live beyond my means, after all, security means a lot. It’s just ironic that I am always in the same predicament.


Mothers Day is a weird holiday when you are a birthmother. Your a mother but at the same time you are not. You have all the physical effects of creating a human which are not pretty at all but nothing to really show for it. It’s not really a sense of loss anymore for me though, it’s just weird. I still don’t ever want kids but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love my daughter like a mother does. America has too many holidays, I wish I lived somewhere that had little to none. Holidays are meant to be celebrated by the ones that have it all or the ones that love to party.


I have another coworker leaving the company. She told me yesterday before I heard it from anyone else. I like her a lot. It’s not the same company it was a year ago. Maybe people are not supposed to be happy with their jobs. I mean, it’s about the money right? Would anyone work if we didn’t live in a world where money didn’t buy happiness? Sure we can say that it doesn’t, but it buys food, good water, security, shelter, good health, and items that do make us happy. If we are lucky, we find fulfillment in our jobs. If not, we just keep climbing the ladder for higher pay. Maybe pride in a job is just a corporate bullshit lie people are told to work for a less of a pay than they are worth. Than again though, there are definitely people who are paid more than they are worth. Well, its just a wonderful world we live in I guess.


I have not really been promoting my book lately. I had finals to study for and than decided to get sick. I think I mentioned before having changed the cover. I wanted it to be more mellow and dream like. After all, my past is just a bad dream.

I still feel trapped in sense in life. My mind is my greatest weakness. I have felt very close to succumbing to it lately, I think thats just because I have been sick. Ain’t life wonderful? Oh depression, you can be a mother fucker.

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Author: unbreakablekitten

Headed East towards the horizon

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