You ever have those nightmares you cannot get out of? You know your dreaming and you know it’s going to get really bad and so you force yourself to wake up, but your not really awake. So than you force your self awake again, but again, you feel awake but you know you aren’t, you are just trapped and you just have to keep on running. Normally when I get really afraid and I know something bad is going to happen is when I can really wake myself up. I have wondered though what would happen if I didn’t? Is that what a coma feels like? If I was truly lost in my mind it would be a nightmare; a coma of continuous nightmares. I suppose they are not always bad though, my vivid dreams. They are so beautiful sometimes, so beautiful I would be happy if I never woke up. Whatever the dream though, the vivid ones I have take so much out of me, I wake up and feel as if I never slept. It’s a good thing dreams can’t kill lol.
Today is gloomy, we should be having a chain of gloomy days for a bit. Five years ago I came to this city to have an abortion at 24, that day was as gloomy as today. I knew back then I wanted to be here. From there on I always had this place as my goal to get to. Now I am here, the air smells the same and the sky looks the same as that day but it doesn’t feel like the same place as I visited five years ago. I recognize everything but everything is still new and unfamiliar in ways. Maybe it is me, I am different after all, but also not. I am still trying to hold on, I am still waiting for the end of this broken mind.
Goals, I have to keep goals, thats the only way of success and fully recovering.
- Get out of debt
- Fix teeth completely
- Be healthy
Those are my three big goals. A second job will really help with me getting out of debt. I need to pay down my consolidation loan. That alone would save me $360 a month once that is out of the way. There is a little over 8k left on it. I would like to pay off my root canal sooner too since that is $142 a month till November. I am noticing pain in my upper right molar, sharp pain, so I am thinking that may eventually need a root canal as well. Hopefully it can last till my insurance renews next year. I am thinking I need to be prepared in case I have to have it done right away though. Being healthy means continuing my personal trainer. It also means having the funds to buy healthy food. A second job will also help this. Being mentally healthy is having less stress which all I am doing right now is stressing over finances. I am thinking this second job is inevitable, I have to try it. I can do this, I have to.
“Use your words Kateri”
“What if there are no words to explain what I feel?”
But theres always words…isn’t there?…
Coffee seems to be helping my body wake up. I feel different. Ugh I feel like I am hungover in a way even though I am not. I feel like I could sleep for a months strait.
Hello new reader!
Hello old readers coming back, I recognize you.
I do not have much more to say. I am not sure how often I will read my book, maybe once a week? Idk, it seemed awkward. Siiiigh…I should be productive. Have a good day everyone! Be good to yourselves 🙂