Recovery is not an easy task. Sure it has been over five months now that I have not self induced vomited but time doesn’t always make the “want” any easier when it comes. I can be proud of myself all I want but it does not make looking in the mirror any easier when I see how I have let myself go. And I don’t even know if thats the right terminology because it wasn’t really just “letting myself go,” it was just plain fucking tired of trying to be so fucking perfect. I do feel better on low carb, I really do. I splurged this weekend on cookies and Mexican food and my knees are killing me today. I am so bloated and my head feels so foggy. My body hasn’t really processed sugar for a decade now. I don’t know if I wan’t to to learn how other than fruits anyways. I do need to take the low carbing more seriously though if thats the lifestyle I choose. My goal is to do low carbing till I get back down to a healthy weight and than incorporate fruit. I know I used to talk like this all the time but purging would easily break that goal. Maybe now that I do not vomit and now that I don’t feel the need to over drink anymore I can actually have a handle on this. Either way, getting any heavier is not going to help my back or knees. I have come a long way but there is still so long to go.

I had a couple more people read my book today. I wonder who (I really don’t know). I haven’t been promoting it in over a week due to finals and being sick. Well, whoever is reading it, I hope you like it and will leave me a good review 🙂

Today was just another day at work. I am trying my best to get into another department. I know I could have it so easy  where I am at but easy is not for me. I need to be challenged, kept busy, and feel I have a purpose. I do not feel like I am contributing to the company, and thats because I am not being challenged. I really hope someday soon I can feel like I am serving our clients again.

Bailey and I went to the park tonight. He is honestly the best pup. I am so happy I rescued him. It’s like we grow with each other. He was so frail when I adopted him. I know the lady who took him out of his abusive environment helped him all she could be he still had such a long way to go. Now he is becoming more of a playful high energetic dog. He will play fetch and even tug of war. He is no longer so submissive. He will walk up to some people and even let them pet him. I said once before if there is hope for Bailey there is hope for me, I’d say we are on the right track.


I didn’t meet with my personal trainer this morning. I could not sleep at all last night. I don’t know if its because Game of Thrones was just so mind boggling or what but I am pretty sure I mayyyybee got an hour of sleep. I have been living off caffeine all day. With that I had better go clean up and do some errands. Everyone have a good evening and be good to yourselves.


Happy Mothers Day

I cannot get this nightmare out of my head, it still feels so real four days later.

I am at this beautiful lake with my daughters mom. The sky is a deep blue, the air smells sweet, and birds chirp in the distance. The shore of the lake is made up of red bricks, it looks purple when the water would wave onto them. The day was warm with a slight breeze. We jumped off the dock into the water and had a real fun time. The dock is like a regular dock except at the end with a circular platform, maybe so more people could sit with their feet in the water? We said we will take our daughter next time we come. Then the dream fast forwards, there were things that happened in between but nothing I can really make sense of. The sky is an ugly brownish blue and the air is hot. My daughters mom and I walk onto the dock with other unfamiliar people. As I am walking bugs are trying to bite at my feet through the dock. The lake has dried up so much the dock no longer reaches it. She tells me she’s happy we did not bring our daughter this time. I agree. The foliage is all dried up around the lake, the air is silent. Everything is ugly. The ladders off the dock lead to nothing but red brick. We climb down the ladder, other people are already in front of us looking out ahead. The sun is setting in front of us, making the sky a deep red. The bricks feel hot and sting my feet a little. The air smells like sulfur. We walk with everyone else towards the remainder of the lake, silently but with a shared realization the earth is finally dead. I keep seeing the black figures of people in front of me walking into the sun surrounded by red.

There was a lot that happened in my dream from beginning to end, I was so feverish though so I do not remember anything else. I still see this dream in particular in my head though, its so clear as if it really happened. I still feel the sadness and fear. I have dreamt of this place before, not this setting though. There is a dream world where I have gone since as far back as I can remember. Sometimes it is fun, other times it is scary. I met my grandma here before she died. We were sitting on a log on top of a hill overlooking a beautiful scenery. She was a lot younger, probably my age. We didn’t speak, she just smiled and I knew she would be happy. At the time she was dying in hospice. She died not too long after that dream. There was a house I used to play in in the woods in this dream world. It was over ran by nature but had thick glass windows made up of square glass. It was old an abandoned. I would get there from my grandmas house, she had woods around her and I would run through them and find this house to play in. I went there quite a few times as a kid. There have also been times I have seen terrible things here, I guess this was just another time. I probably am a good candidate for dementia.

I am making my daughters mom cookies for Mothers Day. They are delicious. Baking is one of the few things I am actually somewhat good at.


I am feeling a lot better physically today. My sickness has turned into a cold I think. I can live with that. I am still a bit drained but thats okay. Back to normal tomorrow, after all, I have my personal trainer in the morning. Happy Mothers Day to any moms (includes birthmothers) 🙂

Just Here I Suppose


It is a beautiful morning. My head still has a bit of throbbing to it but nothing too terrible compared to the past few days. I am sitting outside getting some fresh air. Who knew a Saturday morning could be so busy on the interstate.

It is weird being at the point in life that I am. I always thought that being where I am that finances would be easier, after all,  a job that pays high enough with really good benefits should put you ahead right? Instead I consolidated debt and am paying more for security and reliability with my apartment and new car. Financially I am still just living paycheck to paycheck, except probably tighter at times. I wonder at what point does it all even out and I start getting ahead. I could get another job I suppose but that would be make school even more difficult. I do not know if I necessarily live beyond my means, after all, security means a lot. It’s just ironic that I am always in the same predicament.

Mothers Day is a weird holiday when you are a birthmother. Your a mother but at the same time you are not. You have all the physical effects of creating a human which are not pretty at all but nothing to really show for it. It’s not really a sense of loss anymore for me though, it’s just weird. I still don’t ever want kids but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love my daughter like a mother does. America has too many holidays, I wish I lived somewhere that had little to none. Holidays are meant to be celebrated by the ones that have it all or the ones that love to party.

I have another coworker leaving the company. She told me yesterday before I heard it from anyone else. I like her a lot. It’s not the same company it was a year ago. Maybe people are not supposed to be happy with their jobs. I mean, it’s about the money right? Would anyone work if we didn’t live in a world where money didn’t buy happiness? Sure we can say that it doesn’t, but it buys food, good water, security, shelter, good health, and items that do make us happy. If we are lucky, we find fulfillment in our jobs. If not, we just keep climbing the ladder for higher pay. Maybe pride in a job is just a corporate bullshit lie people are told to work for a less of a pay than they are worth. Than again though, there are definitely people who are paid more than they are worth. Well, its just a wonderful world we live in I guess.

I have not really been promoting my book lately. I had finals to study for and than decided to get sick. I think I mentioned before having changed the cover. I wanted it to be more mellow and dream like. After all, my past is just a bad dream.

I still feel trapped in sense in life. My mind is my greatest weakness. I have felt very close to succumbing to it lately, I think thats just because I have been sick. Ain’t life wonderful? Oh depression, you can be a mother fucker.

Just Another Unknown Virus

Ooooo, I got another follower 🙂

Well, I have spent the past couple of days sick. I started having a sore throat a few days ago but yesterday I woke up and it felt as though it were on fire. I felt like I was getting strep which would make sense because it has been going around work. So I went to the walk-in before work and my culture came back as negative. I went to work but then started vomiting. (Vomiting is a really weird experience when its not forced.) I went home and had all the wonderful effects of a stomach flu. I know I had a high fever because I had the worst vivid nightmares, I would wake up disoriented and my sheets would be soaked from sweat. I could barely move because my head throbbed so bad and my body ached. I also had a weird rash on my arms and legs. When I ate I kept choking because my throat was that swollen. This morning I still felt my head throbbing and my body still hurt but coffee and a shower seemed to help. I had a weird green phlegm like vomit but then after that my stomach settled down. I took Bailey to the park so we could get some fresh air for an hour and since then we have just been resting all day. My headache has pretty much subsided, only if there is pressure on it does it hurt such as bending over. My body still feels drained but its better than being in pain. My throat isn’t as closed up and thats nice.The doctor said they haven’t really been able to catch a break this winter and spring between strep, mono, flus, and just random unknown viral infections. Our weird cold spells just keep making people sick I guess. I still feel weird.

I cannot really keep my thoughts in check. I keep thinking about all my dreams I had. They were the vivid kind that had the different sensory in them. They seemed so real. I wonder if I really will get dementia sooner. I am going to just relax tonight and cuddle with the boys. It was a beautiful day but the light hurt my eyes. I feel like a vampire. I feel myself wanting to sink in depressive moods, that seems very easy to do when I am sick. I don’t want to get that low though so I think I will watch a comedy. Well, have a good night everyone, I hope everyone is feeling better than me.

Exhausted! X_X


I have had a very busy past few days. Saturday I spent with my daughter and her parents and we went to the zoo and Costco. Sunday we saw Halestorm. I was right in front against the gate. I got a guitar pick from Joe Hottinger. Palaye Royale was their opening band, they were a GREAT opener. I would pay to see them again. It was great to see Lzzy Hale so close up, there were so many times that her new album kept me going these past few months, especially Vicious.


Bailey and I have been going to the dog park more often now that I have a reliable and safe car to get us to the park. He is starting to play with other pups more. When he is at daycare he plays but when I am around he stays near me, he’s such a mommas boy. Fat Louie and Mr. Cooper are doing well. Coops is still a troublemaker and Louie still just loves to eat and cuddle.

My mind is exhausted. I am exhausted. It’s been a busy few days. It feels good though. I am watching the new Ted Bundy movie on Netflix with Zac Efron, it’s pretty good. I have homemade soup boiling, it’s been chilly lately. I see my personal trainer in the morning. I told her I want her to kill my legs and abs. I love the pain, it’s a good pain, but its addicting. I do need to eat better. I enjoyed too much junkfood on the way to Bismarck and too much beer at the concert. It wasn’t like I got wasted or anything but it definitely made me bloated. It’s okay, it was a great weekend and well worth it. 🙂

Everyone have a good night 🙂

So, I did something…

“Gotta keep my head above water, gotta make it through”


Ok, so this wasn’t really a manic splurge or anything, my other car was starting to have a lot of weird issues. When I was researching up more about my old car I realized that once it got to 50k miles it was literally DOWNHILL for so many people. Apparently it was the only line of car made because of all the problems. The way it was described to me was some new hotrod engineer probably came up with GRAND ideas that WEREN’T so grand. I can’t really afford to shell out thousands of dollars on demand to fix malfunctions sooo…I decided to trade it in while it was still worth something. And actually, I still got 6k for it which Kelly bluebook figured it to be $6,040. So I feel good about the trade. The only issue now is my last payment was $197 a month and now my payment is $441….I wan’t to cry from happiness yet pain from knowing how tighter bills are going to get. I had planned to eventually buy a new vehicle, I just wanted to wait a few more months, I planned to have something by next winter but with the car issues I was starting to see I knew I couldn’t take the chance of something happening and my car be worth as much as scrap metal and still having four years to pay on it.

Anyways, it is a 2017 Ford Explorer, Titanium colored. I named it Stormy.  I love it so much. It is SO SAFE! I wanted something very safe and reliable in case there was ever an emergency and I needed to pick up my daughter and also because I drive Bailey around (he wears doggy seat belts with a harness in the back) and just because I like to be safe too. It has a little over 30k miles so it has been broken in. It is full of sensors and airbags. What I dig the most is I no longer have to hook my phone up to listen to music because of the bluetooth. People cannot steal my gas because it has a special gasket, for some reason when the sales guy told me this I thought of people huffing gas in the villages. There is a lot more to this car too, but in the end it has taken the stress off of having an unreliable car and I love feeling safe.

So my personal training went amazing yesterday. It has actually been going very well lately. I had an extra training session yesterday since we are going to Halestorm on Sunday and I didn’t want to be getting up at 4 am to go to the gym since we are not getting back till after midnight. When we were talking about what day I would like next week (I have two days a week) she said I had an extra day so if I would like to come in Monday that could work too. I am taking Monday off and I have been wanting to do kickboxing so I will be doing that one on one with her later in the morning, I am so excited! She said in the past 2-3 weeks I have been amazing, it’s like I just one day wanted to change and did. She said my form has been amazing and she can see major improvement, even with the way I hold myself and just my body health in general. This was really good to hear. I think it all started with me finishing up my book, I had to remind myself how far I have come when life seemed to be getting overwhelming again. I know I have been pushing myself harder (IT FEELS GREAT!) and I know that I am feeling so good body wise, even when my knees and back are acting up, it’s not as bad as before. I feel myself getting stronger.

So I have been in the process of cutting unnecessary bills. I have no reason to pay sixteen dollars for Netflix anymore. That will be over at the end of the month. I got my Verizon bill lowered about 20-30 dollars via work discount, a 10 dollar discount they gave me, and taking the insurance off my apple watch (I end up paying more for the insurance that what the watch is worth anyways). Bailey and I may be going to dog parks a lot more or walks since I may have to cut back on his daycare for the next month or two. It is a bummer. I have debating putting my personal trainer on hold since thats $260 a month but I really do not think that would be good for my health or recovery. I have been getting such a euphoria from working out and pushing myself, I can’t allow that to change. I have been thinking of doing a clinical trial study. I know I have never been able to do it before, it freaks me out to have things ingested that I don’t know what the side effects are. I may have no choice at this point though.

I received my paperback version copy of my book yesterday. It is beautiful. Also, I changed the cover page for my original kindle version. I wanted something more dreamlike.

Well, I should probably get to work. It’s a beautiful gloomy day, I enjoy it today. Well, have a good day everyone. 🙂


I talked to an old friend yesterday about my book. I used to work with her at the post office in Bismarck when I processed mail overnights. I really liked her, she was weird but real (as many weird people usually are). I recall her telling me about her younger days when she drank a lot, I think she was adopted too. She wanted to be a playboy bunny when she was my age at the time like I did (she’s probably 10-15 years older than me). She is a good Christian, non judgmental and tries to understand people, loves pugs, doesn’t shave (yet not really any hair), doesn’t wear deodorant (aluminum) , eats all organic and all natural. Anyways, she said she was reading my book (about done I think) and a coworker clocked out and randomly sat next to her and started pouring out how she needs help because she is a bad alcoholic and suffers from an eating disorder. Her relationship is nothing but turmoil because her significant other drinks more than her. (Personally I think this is toxic and it won’t work unless they both stop drinking, those relationships are the worst, although it also sounds like he keeps her down anyways so none of it seems healthy enough to put in the effort to fix, I would say she needs to find herself). Anyways, my friend was able to help talk to her because of my book, she said it was no coincidence I published when I did. She also believes everything happens for a reason, I am not sure I believe this, but she was able to console this coworker and that is my goal with this book, to help.

At the time I published I did not really have a goal, I just wanted my story out there. Now I know my goal is to reach as many people as possible who need the assurance they are not alone and to help people understand the ones who suffer. Also to hopefully get people to not be so judgmental. I am sure there will still be readers who judge me after reading my book but that is okay, I care more about whom I can help.

It was upper body day today at the gym, I feel like the lifts that strengthen me the most are the ones I hate the most. Also, I hate pictures of my body taken, but this is something I am trying to work on. I hate it because I hate the body I have but as long as I hate it I cannot accept it and without accepting it I cannot love myself fully. I do still have some body dysmorphia, I feel like I have gained TONS of weight (roughly 30-40 pounds) since leaving the post office 1.5 years ago, but realistically I am not as big as I think I am. I am also stronger in areas than I ever was before. My BMI says I am obese but considering when I was a “healthy” weight I was purging easily 20 times a day and downing liquor like there was no tomorrow, I try to not give it much thought. I am 165 now and was 140 when quitting the B/P at the beginning of the year. I have also lost fat too since hiring a personal trainer as well as gained muscle. My body does not hurt as much either. I try to eat healthy regularly. Sure I may be “obese” now, but I am healthier than I have ever been. Also, it feels great for my teeth to not hurt non-stop. Anyways, this is a work in progress.


I am seeing Halestorm on Sunday, I am excited. This will be my second concert I’m going to fully experience. I am going with my daughters parents and our two good friends (our little hockey group). I will try to take some pictures. I will be taking next Monday off however, mainly because we will not get back till after midnight Sunday night and people at work love Game of Thrones…and no way in hell am I risking people telling me what happens, especially when every Monday the first thing a coworker talks about of GoT.

I should be getting my paperback copy of my book on Friday, I am hoping it turns out the way I imagined it to be. I will probably try to vlog about it. I am trying to figure out ways to best connect with readers on a personal level.

Well…that is really all there is to write about. It’s cold and gloomy outside. I am here at work…waiting for the day to be over (yes…I am only an hour in). Well, everyone have a good day. 🙂