You ever have those times where you wish someone, just anyone, would give a shit? That someone could understand, understand the pressure, the emptiness, the anxiety, the waiting to fail but being afraid to succeed, just someone who can just be happy and excited for you, but also knowing you don’t deserve any of it, breathing can be so hard. Two days of hiding under my covers, sure I’m acquiring everything I wanted but there’s still the pain of swallowing, the knowing at any point all it takes is a single moment for me to lose everything. I hate my recovered body, will I ever be able to look in the mirror again without crying? Life’s not fair, but I think I probably deserve it all. I want to breath without choking. I want to see the sky without sadness. To wake up without dreading work. Can I handle it? If I can’t than I lose it all. Sucky for me all I do is choke. Choke and fall, take a leap but the edge breaks off, try to run but the air is no longer oxygen. Light bleeds through the blinds, over my head my blankets go.
Well, my domain will be expiring soon. It’s weird to think I have been blogging to you guys for a year. I am not sure I will renew. Life has been shitty lately but I am trying to keep my head up. I feel something great is coming, like I am going to be great. I just have to keep breathing and I can’t let myself subside to the bottle. I have been sort of manic spending. I am not purging but have still been using food as a comfort, so more binging than I would like. I absolutely hate my job these days and everyday I think of coming to work I have anxiety. I stress on the weekends of having to step foot in the door. I’m trying to see the positives but my world is mostly dark. I am trying though, I have been interviewing elsewhere. My thing though is I want to keep my safety and security so I can’t exactly live under a certain wage. I feel trapped. I will be okay though, I know I will. I keep telling myself to get my shit together but until I am at that point I cannot. We all know how I am, I will be in a low spot until one morning I wake up and I am ready to jump, I can’t rush myself, no matter how much I want to. It’s how I was able to wake up almost seven months ago and say I am done vomiting and how I was able to wake up one morning and say that I am finding a safe place and how I woke up and said I was getting a reliable vehicle. It just comes, hell, even moving here I just woke up and was ready to go. I just wish I would hurry up and be ready.
Well, in case I decide not to renew, follow me on FB 🙂 Maybe I will find a cheaper place to blog or figure my shit out.
If your interested to know where everything started read my book 🙂
I would like to continue blogging, I just have to figure life out. We will see. I am honestly surprised I am still going lol.