Its an unbearable thirst, detoxing that is, and maybe I am not even detoxing at this point, but all I want is a drink, I need a drink, no fluids satisfy me. In fact I am taking a piss at least once every hour if not more. I want my mind to be gone. I want to be gone. I want to fall and fly at the same time. I want to breath and choke. I want to scream, cry, and fight. Gawd please someone just beat the shit out of me. No shakes but right now I could go for them. I could go for feeling like shit so this feeling of need would go away. Nothing entertains me, I even got a new iPad Pro today, but I am still so bored, so bored with this life, so bored with myself, so bored with all my shit, I just want that good time, fuck the repercussions right? Come on everybody let the good time roll. I sure hope the Zofran helps, I doubled that dose, it’s the best I could think of doing for myself. Fuck this unrelenting thirst, I feel like vampire that has been sleeping for ages. The fuck is this shit.
I think the worst part about getting sober is the possibility that maybe I am just permanently screwed up and emotionally unstable. Like when I was bulimic I could always just blame instability on hormones, when I was a teenager I could blame it on my childhood abuse, as I got older I could blame it on alcohol…but what if I take all those out of the picture and I still have issues? What if there are parts of me that just can’t be fixed?
Today started out as really good, I felt pretty good this morning. I sold my kitchen-aid right away so I got out of my financial bind, I donated plasma, I went to Walmart and was able to get the boys their food and even treated myself with cheeseburgers (no bun) and olives to make at home. I bought some big sheets of paper to start drawing on and nail polish. I didn’t get anything too expensive, after all I am still playing catch up. I am not sure what to draw but I figure that would be a good sober thing to do.
I don’t know what happened. I started making my cheeseburgers and playing with the boys and the sky started getting very hazy. It turns out there are some pretty big fires in Canada burning that the wind brought downward to us and it just sort of settled on the city. When my cheeseburgers were done all I could think while eating them is how great a beer would be with them. My mind started trying to make excuses, like whats ONE beer gonna hurt? I didn’t have one but the craving became pretty bad for awhile. Instead I mixed some Mio in with a La Croix so I could get the fizz. That made me want to mix some vodka in like UV or Smirnoff, I didn’t. Maybe that was the start of it, I don’t know. After I ate I just felt really off, like I just wanted a drink. I turned on a movie and started looking up more about the fires in Canada, but then that brought me to the two big earthquakes that happened in California. Than than made me think of an article I read about climate change causing earthquakes because theres more liquid in the earths crust and that spun me off to our politicians barely giving a shit and how it feels like Americans can’t look past their backyards to all thats happening in the world and that led me onto a feeling of hopelessness and searching up even more repercussions of pollution. So…from like maybe 2-3pm on to 6 (?) I was on a hard roll of despair. My daughters mom couldn’t get me out of it. I ended up taking a very cold shower so I could start breathing again. I really hope these low points are just the results of detoxing. Haha, hello, my name is Kateri and I am an alcoholic who’s body is craving any substance, even drugs that it’s never done. Oh screw all you toxic needs, get over yourself.
Tonight I feel like someone knocked the air out of me. Well…day five is about done, I just want to have a full day of stability and sanity for once in my life, I just want a day of no dependance or self harm. Maybe tomorrow.
I have known I was an alcoholic for a long time, probably since my lower twenties and questioned it after every party. At least than I still drank for the good time. When I wanted to go sober for a month a year ago I knew by than I was an alcoholic and had repeatedly been telling myself that all year. I don’t like failing and to admit I was an alcoholic before I was ready to quit meant failing. If I didn’t have that moment where I woke up and said I was done I would have gone back. And to fail and drink again meant shame. I don’t handle shame that well…normally I just drink it away….so we can see how a chain reaction would occur.
A year ago I said I was going to be done with bulimia and drinking but no one can stop addictions without understanding why they exist otherwise there will always be something else that feeds whats underneath. People can stop being bulimic but than become anorexic, or they can go the other way and eat everything in sight. There shouldn’t have to be such restraint on ones life if they are at peace with themselves. Saying that, I do not think not drinking is a restraint but alcohol itself is the restraint. Now I just have to relearn how to live because living is something I have never done.
In a way the freedom feels overwhelming. What do I do? I can start my art again, I can learn to cook more chef worthy meals because I love cooking, I can get in shape at the gym, I can enjoy long walks with my pup, I can save money, I can buy nice clothes, I can get my nails done, I can decide I want to go camping on a weekend somewhere, I feel like a prisoner being set free in a world that I don’t recognize.
I feel exhausted today. Like not sleep tired but my body feels like it has been hit by a bus. According to my sleep monitor I didn’t sleep that well. I was pretty active yesterday though so that could be contributing but I know its mainly my body going through a lot internally with recovery. I recall being exhausted last year as well. My hair is feeling better, I buy expensive shampoo and conditioner to deal with the effects of alcohol but even those were starting to not work
For some reason knowing I am done is actually less stressful. I remember last year when trying to stop for a month I still stressed about what I could drink on low carb and what I could drink at hockey games and what would be too much and if I would have enough money for drinks plus I had wine decor all around me. Addiction is weird…I am more at peace knowing I can never have liquor again than when I just wanted to take a break.
I notice I am having a lot of twitch like movements, like I need to always move, it’s not really shakes though, just constantly having to move, even if its my fingers. I don’t have cravings though. I am feeling music more.
Trying to figure out finances and getting billing in order for my new job I am realizing how close I was to losing so much. Like…I am just having to sell some things to stay on track this month but damn…where the fuck did all my money go? Oh yeah, binging and drinking. Although I was drinking the same amount as my worst a year ago, but shit, I was keeping it all down this time because I didn’t purge, fuuuuuuck. I would have lost my friends too, I know that. Honestly eventually I would have not been a good influence around my daughter either.
I am really curious to know how I will be once I am fully detoxed. I have always had some sort of chaos from the time I was in my birthmothers womb, until now. The past is fully understood and accepted, the bulimia is gone, and eventually so will the alcohol, I have never had internal and external stability. I have never had real freedom.
Well, this is my third day sober, although I am not sure Tuesday actually counts since I was drunk past midnight that morning, whatever, I’ll count it. I wonder when I will stop counting, the only reason I remember how long I have been bulimia free is because the last time I purged was new years eve.
I’ve never really been a fan of the fourth of July, not because I don’t think independence is important but mainly because being Native American it doesn’t really seem like its much a holiday, like we were already free until europeans came and killed us all off…also, right in the declaration of independence we are referred to as “merciless indian savages,” soooo……yeah. But hey, I am at least sober this time…so…not dependent on alcohol for Independence day like over 8 million Americans.
It is easy to say you are done drinking but its harder to hold through. I would like to say recovering from bulimia was harder but I honestly don’t know because I can’t remember. I know bulimia recovery was painful, very painful physically. Emotionally in a way too because of my changing body, but that is still something that I am trying to deal with. Realistically this will get easier because as we all know I try to keep my carbs lower with a diet primarily of eggs, fresh and steamed veggies, and lean meats. However, if I am doing low carb than drinking than that is obviously upping my carbs beyond “low carb” and calories. So a high fat, high calorie, high carb diet has not been good to my body. Not to mention drinking normally made me crave some kind of greasy high carb shit when hungover or even during drinking. I know now that I am done my body will start getting back in shape. In a way I do not think I can say I am fully recovered from bulimia because there were many times that I downed liquor just to deal with the negative thoughts and changing body, there are still some thoughts I will have to deal with. But even more-so, the alcohol. See, when I was bulimic I was throwing up so much that it was just natural for my body to throw food up than keep it down, once my body got used to keeping food down that was it…I started digesting normally and that was that, but alcohol, it’s so much more than that because it’s a chemical addiction, and when I am fully detoxed, it then becomes mental. It’s a mental of wanting to open that beer on a hot summer day, it’s wine on cold lonely nights in the dead of winter, it’s free margaritas on your birthday, its opening up champagne to celebrate an event, and its a social addiction, because everything I mentioned is the way society is. It’s a social addiction that will always want to feed the mental addiction. I have been seven months bulimia free, I wonder what it will be like to be seven months sober.
It has been a rough day of ups and downs, everything normal of detoxing, luckily I am a fast healer. The shakes are gone, the bloating is getting better, I think I have had a normal bowel movement but I cannot remember, I am hoping my short term memory gets better. I have been cleaning a lot. I got rid of all my wine decorations. I had a fun day with my daughter and her parents and Bailey. Just have to take it step by step, we all know I will though.
Whats a life without drinking? Shit…I feel like I wrote this a year ago.
Damn, I am such a broken record, but as my best friend said, only because I don’t ever give up.
A year ago I wanted to blog about being sober for a month, I didn’t make it. I fooled myself and when I had any feelings of guilt I drank them away. I told myself it was just one, just two, just three, than after awhile just said fuck it why not a bottle, why not a bottle and some beers, why not two bottles and some beers…I can’t stay sober for a month, no, I just have to plain stay sober, because I am an alcoholic. No, I don’t need rehab, I’m just done.
Its a relieving feeling when all the puzzle pieces come together. For the first time in my life I know everything will be okay, I have never felt that assurance before. My body is still full of poison but my mind feels more at peace than it ever has before. The recruiter was the last puzzle piece and the reason I couldn’t pinpoint where the darkness was is because it was in my mind. How could I heal from the past if I couldn’t understand it? Healing starts with accepting but you need to understand something to accept it. Everything makes sense now. It’s an overwhelming happy feeling to be free, but also a very sad feeling to know how much pain you have caused loved ones.
I’m having some shakes, nothing bad, I’ve had a lot worst. I got a primary doctor set up yesterday, that was fun, ya know, just flat laid out my history. It’s weird being seven months bulimia free. She listened closely and ordered a comprehensive metabolic panel ,vitamin b12, folate, serum , magnesium, pap, liquid based and a hemogram blood work. I only have gotten the hemogram back, everything fell within normal ranges but my platelet count was on the higher end of normal. I need to know if I have caused my body any permanent damage.
It was kind of funny after all the tests were done she asked if there was anything else I needed to add about my medical history, I told her I think that was enough LOL, she laughed with me though. I was very detailed.
I think my magnesium may come back out of range, I get muscle cramps a lot. I could see my B12 being off at times too, my breathing is really shallow after I drink. Its like I have to take deeper breaths to get oxygen flowing to get up. I’ve been having more stomach pains in the morning, I thought maybe it was lasting effects from the bulimia but when she felt around and had me take deep breaths it was around my liver and gallbladder region that there was pain. Sooo…I guess I am just waiting to see what the results are.
I think I’ve been haunted by a demon or pretty close. Although its really hard to know what are illusions and what aren’t at times. I know that I’ll probably be getting worst nightmares for awhile but I don’t know, I kept hearing something whispering in my ear a few days ago and I am pretty sure I have dreamt about whatever it is. Maybe it’s a demon of my mind, the poison not wanting to let me go. I think after I am fully detoxed I will be able to answer this better.
Downing liquid is probably the best thing I can do right now. I ordered groceries, lots of teas, sparkling water, and veggies that I can steam. I am pretty sure my tummy is going to go through a rough couple days. My shits smell like acetone on a daily basis. I bought quite a bit of white meat too, lean protein to help keep me going. It’s honestly this or death at this point. I will be okay though. 🙂 I’m finally free. The storm is gone.
Fuck it’s only taken a year.
Have you ever had to fill out a background check of where you have lived for the past ten years? Im sure we almost all have…but how many of you have to go searching for every little clue of where you were residing in a year because you honestly can’t remember…it’s a weird feeling, like going back in time and thinking shit…how fucked up was I..it’s like watching your life on repeat, memories coming up of certain addresses. Shit…I’ve only been strait for a small part of my life, haven’t I? Well…I have managed to find twelve…I know I have had more the twelve places I’ve received mail as well.
I did some meditating last night. So the last time that I had a hypnotherapy session the therapist wanted to go more into depth with the recruiter because she said she could still feel an energy there. I kind of just brushed the thought aside because there was no feelings or anything there for him, I mean, he was a pig literally in every way. I think I realize now what it was. When I was in high school he was the first one to “break my heart,” in a sense. He took advantage of me being underage, naivety, and desperation to be loved that every teenage girl has. In a way he started to take away the remaining innocence I had left from my childhood. In my adulthood, he found me at my weakest and took the remainder of it away. The innocence not really being sexual but more just believing in happily ever after. Although, I shouldn’t believe in such naivety anyways. Happily ever after doesn’t exist, someone always feels alone at some point. I suppose in ways he saved me from that betrayal. Either way, he was the beginning and the end of my turmoil. After him I died in a way as we all know but than my daughter brought me back. I could never depend on someone else, not in a significant other type of way, I can’t not be self sufficient and have to be independent, so its not all bad I guess because I can say that I am. Karma is a bitch though, and damn, karma hit him hard.
Although shit….if I never would have met that asshole I could have had a lot better twenties.
Anyways, I tried to pinpoint where that energy was last night, but I had already taken some melatonin so I think that prevented me from getting there. It was just a realization of that dark energy that is still there that I need to get rid of.
I still don’t know what I am doing. I’m going to be 29 this month and I feel like I have wasted 29 years of my life. Time moves fast when your suffering and fighting to survive, although I have been trying to live more. I have been trying to push myself to go out more and talk to more people. In ways it seems so pointless though. I really don’t think I was meant for this world.
I am not sure if anyone who knows me other than a few close people read my blog. Hopefully no one who knows me at work, but if so, darn, but I was offered a job at a pretty large bank in a fraud department. I start July 22nd, I am very excited. I will be getting about 10 percent more an hour, 2 weeks vacation, 1 week sick leave, 10 paid holidays, tuition reimbursement after six months, benefits right away and a 401k that matches 4% and the benefits will only cost me ten dollars more per pay period. The hours will be Sunday through Thursday 330-midnight, which is fine actually because hockey is on Friday and Saturday nights and if I need to take classes on campus now I can rather than having to let go of scholarships and grants by transferring to another university. I don’t trust when I have so many doors opening and lines aligning though. I’m probably going to get cancer.