Well, this is my third day sober, although I am not sure Tuesday actually counts since I was drunk past midnight that morning, whatever, I’ll count it. I wonder when I will stop counting, the only reason I remember how long I have been bulimia free is because the last time I purged was new years eve.
I’ve never really been a fan of the fourth of July, not because I don’t think independence is important but mainly because being Native American it doesn’t really seem like its much a holiday, like we were already free until europeans came and killed us all off…also, right in the declaration of independence we are referred to as “merciless indian savages,” soooo……yeah. But hey, I am at least sober this time…so…not dependent on alcohol for Independence day like over 8 million Americans.
It is easy to say you are done drinking but its harder to hold through. I would like to say recovering from bulimia was harder but I honestly don’t know because I can’t remember. I know bulimia recovery was painful, very painful physically. Emotionally in a way too because of my changing body, but that is still something that I am trying to deal with. Realistically this will get easier because as we all know I try to keep my carbs lower with a diet primarily of eggs, fresh and steamed veggies, and lean meats. However, if I am doing low carb than drinking than that is obviously upping my carbs beyond “low carb” and calories. So a high fat, high calorie, high carb diet has not been good to my body. Not to mention drinking normally made me crave some kind of greasy high carb shit when hungover or even during drinking. I know now that I am done my body will start getting back in shape. In a way I do not think I can say I am fully recovered from bulimia because there were many times that I downed liquor just to deal with the negative thoughts and changing body, there are still some thoughts I will have to deal with. But even more-so, the alcohol. See, when I was bulimic I was throwing up so much that it was just natural for my body to throw food up than keep it down, once my body got used to keeping food down that was it…I started digesting normally and that was that, but alcohol, it’s so much more than that because it’s a chemical addiction, and when I am fully detoxed, it then becomes mental. It’s a mental of wanting to open that beer on a hot summer day, it’s wine on cold lonely nights in the dead of winter, it’s free margaritas on your birthday, its opening up champagne to celebrate an event, and its a social addiction, because everything I mentioned is the way society is. It’s a social addiction that will always want to feed the mental addiction. I have been seven months bulimia free, I wonder what it will be like to be seven months sober.
It has been a rough day of ups and downs, everything normal of detoxing, luckily I am a fast healer. The shakes are gone, the bloating is getting better, I think I have had a normal bowel movement but I cannot remember, I am hoping my short term memory gets better. I have been cleaning a lot. I got rid of all my wine decorations. I had a fun day with my daughter and her parents and Bailey. Just have to take it step by step, we all know I will though.