I am very disappointed in myself these days. I know I am so much better than what I am and can achieve anything so why do I have to be so human? Obviously because I am human but still. I know drinking and binging feed on each other, I also know when I don’t get enough sleep I make piss pour decisions. With school, work, and spending time with my daughter I have a very tight window for adequate sleep, except I have been tired since before school started when I got really sick. So here I sit, reminiscing on manic spending (I mean, it was food so I will be stocked up for a while), a tad bit hungover (six beers can bring me down these days), raw gums (since hey, purging is familiar and comfortable) while drinking my coffee, refiguring out finances, trying to stay caught up on homework, all while telling myself I am too old for this shit and I seriously just need to learn to go to fucking bed.
I am too old for this shit and honestly have too much going for me to be playing this game with my other self or however we want to refer to her. I don’t know, maybe just the bitch lol. Seriously though, I love my life and am proud of everything that I have, I am too exhausted to fall, I have worked hard for what I have. Gawd damnit, when will this stupid BPD go away?
Well, that is my ranting, great way to give a heads up on how I am doing. I have chili boiling, am about to shower and get ready for work. I am just so disappointed in myself and who better to tell than the world? I don’t want to worry my best friend because I know this is just a damn fluke I have to get past, there is no room for failure, just occasional setbacks and this is one of them. Sigh, be good to yourself, I am trying. I am just giving myself the space to grow and not putting too much stress on myself. I always figure it out. What is funny is I am not even depressed, this is all just unnecessary habit.