Happy Career

A couple things that I do love about my workplace (there’s actually a lot but two are relevant right now) we have a great volunteering program and employees can host the daily team meetings.

The volunteering program is very generous. The bank pays an employee up to 16 hours a year to volunteer and than matches the employees earnings in a donation to where the employee volunteered. I have been really looking forward to getting past probation so I could take advantage of this. I signed up for being a driver for chemo patients. There are many other areas I could volunteer, this one just stuck out to me first I think it could be good for me. I want to volunteer for something I can do long term as well beyond the 16 hours. I figure many people will be doing Salvation Army, Red Cross, shelters, and pantries. I don’t want to seem like someone who is merely volunteering to make myself feel better at the holidays. Anyways, I am hoping I can help a few people out. I am also curious from a psychological point of view how patients can differ from each other knowing they can very well die soon.

The other item I enjoy at work is being able to be in charge of huddle, which is our daily team meetings where we go over numbers and goals, we also use this as a time for fun facts, holidays, stories, things like that, whatever the speaker wants to talk about really. I have done viruses, controversial governmental decisions, police, food, a broad range I suppose, so tomorrow is my turn to lead huddle and I think I will do eating disorders. I have been wanting to make mine more informative, for example next month is Native American Heritage Month so every week I will be talking a little about our traditions and brings some sort of family food.

1. History of Natives in a nutshell, such as where they migrated from and to, beliefs in a nutshell- and bring frybread.

2.Dream catchers- bring gullet

3. Dancers- bring bullets

4. Genocide- bring Indian tacos

I am very happy to have the opportunity to do this, and I joined the Native American business group at work. Anyways, back to the eating disorders, I just feel like it is something that should be talked about more. There is such a stigma associated with it, people do not realize how much more is going on in the persons mind, it is like any other addiction, maybe even worst in some ways because you can take drugs away from people, alcohol, razors, but you cant take food away from people. I am not saying it is worst than an addict, they are all rough, but worst because you can’t permanently take food away from someone, none the less continuously force feed them, it is a disorder that literally has to be taken apart from the inside before any progress can be possible on the outside. I hope I am wording that correctly. Anyways, I am going to talk about the various kinds of eating disorders, when many people think about eating disorders they think of anorexia, but bulimics are often normal weight, and than there is over eating, over exercising, starvation, overeating and than starving, laxative use, its just sad really. I want to talk about ways that people hide eating disorders, for example, anorexics will deny food saying they had a big meal, bulimics will joke about how much they eat and have such a high metabolism, over eaters will hide food, things like that. I will point out that many of these will be accompanied with other unhealthy coping mechanism, often times substance abuse, but also cutting, depression, mania, and putting themselves in risky situations to name a few. I want to talk about the statistics of eating disorders, such as the percentages of people who suffer from them and realistic life span. I will conclude with the best way to help someone who shows signs of a disorder, even though there is not much one can do unless they are a minor. I suppose just being the best friend possible. Anyways, I just really appreciate having opportunities like that at the bank.

Well, I finished up my first day of training at the grocery store. It is so cold outside, even though the temp is like 30, it still feels so bitterly cold. I need to buy a new coat on Friday, I out stuffed mine, sigh. I will need new pants for work too a the grocery store and some comfortable shoes. Ughhhh and Bailey needs his shots, and I need to get to the dentist, there’s just a lot of bills coming my way. Thus is life eh? Well, time to take the dog out and head to work. We can no longer have electronics at the bank other than cell phones. Have a good day everyone!

Hallo

We are all in charge of our happiness, sure some of us have to work harder but life really is not fair. We all suffer in our own ways in life, the richest of the rich and the poorest of the poor. I suppose if we are still alive suffering then that should mean we still have the chance to find what we are looking for. My daughters mom can’t understand why I am able to let the small things get to me when I have overcome as much as I have in life. I suppose its just eventually it becomes so exhausting to deal with life. I guess thats where my lack of appreciation of being alive comes in. I haven’t been creating my own happiness, I have been trying to find things I enjoy but its been to pass time by, not to be happy. I have been feeling lost since leaving school. Honestly I think I have always just felt lost in life in general. When all you have done is survived and then you are at the point you can put more meaning in your life its kind of a clusterfuck of unfamiliar emotions, mainly good. I think I asked before “what’s a life without bulimia, alcohol, and surviving?” The answer is living, but what does that mean? It means different things to different people. I have always kept busy to keep from feeling the sense of lost, I think thats a big reason I continued on my education, but there was no goal so it didn’t work out. Now there are goals and things I enjoy.

Goals

1. Get to my previously mentioned financial goals, I will, it may take a while, but I will.

2. Sponsor a child, probably start this paycheck or the next. I need to feel like I am making an impact somewhere.

3. Work my way up to management at a bank, I love the clerical work I do but I do like some human interaction, thus where I think the grocery store will help with my mental clarity a bit too for the time being. It will be a few years, but I have a mentor now. First I need to pay off debt enough that I can afford a single job and a daytime position without the night differential.

4. I want to grow my network more, so volunteering or helping out at events, things that could get me known. Networking is a big thing in the bank too. Honestly, just working on social interaction in general I think is something that will do me good.

5. I am already doing this a lot, but working on my own mental issues. I know I am extreme, there is very little gray area with me. Can this be changed? Possibly, but what I am trying to do is how to handle the extremes, such as finding herbal extracts that help calm me down, like the one with St. John’s wort, and than listening to calming music while meditating with a Smokey quartz. Honestly just having the crystals with me help a lot. I have maybe two cups of coffee a day, I try to keep it to one though, otherwise I have really been into tea, ones with little caffeine but herbs that help with moods, focus, and energy. Caffeine is bad for anxiety. I am all off of melatonin due to a similar routine. I take my mud water when I wake up too to help with focus. I just feel a lot clearer mentally this way.

6. Eating habits, this is a big one just because I don’t want that terrible pain to happen again. I need to be healthier. My joints depend on healthy doses of vitamins too. I am not very into vitamins in pill form, too many controversies with how much they are good. All the studies though say that the best way to get nourishment is by eating healthy foods. This is also better for my digestive system as it needs to know how to process food too. I am back to being regular again, yay. I have been eating kinda junky though the past few days due to hockey games, I feel it in my joints today. But yes, need to be healthier. I want to be a good role model for my daughter too. And when I say healthier I don’t mean low carb. I mean fruits, grains, and vegetables, and a little dairy such as Greek yogurt because my stomach cannot handle lactose well at all.

7. Finding enjoyment, which I already have in like drawing and music again. Of course I enjoy every moment with my daughter. I like taking walks with my dog. I have been trying to read more too, I actually bought some books on Wicca, Crystals, and Herbal medication. I want mental stimuli to come from doing things that don’t involve technology. Granted I do still like to play my video games but I have noticed I spend too much time on social media. I want to start cooking more too, since I enjoy that and its healthier and saves money. I should probably start writing more too.


I realized I didn’t mention anything with alcohol up there, I think thats because its not even a thing to me anymore. It’s nothing I crave, I hate the feeling it gives me, I hate feeling the after effects, don’t like the smell or taste. When I am around people who are drinking it’s just whatever I guess. I don’t like being around the drunk people, but if people are just enjoying themselves thats fine, the people in our hockey group normally stick to one to two so they are just happy people rather than annoying. It’s not something I miss though. I like feeling happy without it. Actually I like just having good feelings in general. Alcohol only gives me anxiety, depression, and everything bad. It’s very easy to live without it surprisingly. I thought it was something I needed for so many years, its just funny to me. I enjoy life more now.


If we don’t find our happiness than we are doomed to spread poison. This way of thinking actually makes me feel pity for Trump. He is the perfect example honestly, he has money, power, family, and he is still just a sad pig of a man. Money hasn’t bought him happiness, presidency was just another way he feels the need to prove himself for his dad never loving him. HIs family hates him. I always find it kind of funny when people grow to be the people they despise. I don’t want to be that. I am not sure who I despise though. I just don’t want to be the one who seeps poison. I don’t want to be sad and pitiful. I never wanted people to take pity on me when I talked about all the abuse, I wanted to be seen as strong. The depression and the other negative emotions, I never want pity for that either, I just want to show I am like any other human who struggles. We really do make our own happiness.


The cats and Bailey are doing well as always. Mr. Cooper is still an annoying troublemaker as always, Fat Louie is still just a fat cuddly happy cat, and Bailey enjoys daycare normally once a week and is getting some stuffing as well on him.

It’s an overcast chilly day. I am enjoying it. The sun is just too much at times. My soup is about done, which is nice because I have to start getting ready for work soon. I had my detox tea, mud water, and a cup of coffee to start my day. Also, Allie X, wow I am in love with her. I am addicted to Purge and That’s So Us. A majority of her songs I enjoy though, its nice when an artist has a variety of music. I appreciate that she writes her own music too.

I need to vacuum before I get ready for work so I shall get going. In the midst of depression I know it’s hard to be happy but I hope anyone who is reading this who feels down will try to find something to be happy about. Our happiness is in our hands, even if it means working and striving for it, sometimes thats what helps us appreciate it more I think. Have a good day everyone. 🙂

2 Days

Yesterday

Well, a few things have happened since I last posted, nothing overly bad I don’t think. I had a really good weekend with my daughter and her parents, we took her to a Halloween even for kids at the zoo. My daughter was able to dress up in her Minnie Mouse costume and go get free candy and food. It was a gorgeous day out too. Bailey played in daycare with his friends, it was just nice. That night though I started feeling really off. I felt like I weighed a ton, was feverish, body aches, all the wonderful works of a stomach bug. Yesterday though it changed, like my fever was gone, body aches pretty much gone, I should have been feeling fine, but I could barely move because of my left side. I think I have mentioned having a left stomach pains when I wake up before. When I had my wellness checkup this past summer my primary wanted to wait a bit and see if the pain went away, they never did. I know a few weeks ago I wanted to make an appointment to get it checked out again but my doctor is on mat leave. Last night hurt bad enough I went to the walk in though. My blood tests came back abnormal, but I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning to hopefully see what is inflamed. The doctor thinks it is either the pancreas or small intestine, hard to tell which until the imaging is back, but definitely chronic. I do not think its the stomach because I keep food down fine, it just has been going straight through me though, or making me painfully bloated. There is no acid reflux or heartburn. I think its just another way I have fucked my body up. So now I just wait, whoop deee doo.

On another note, I have an interview for a part time position at the grocery store next door. They pay fairly decent, I am just hoping they can work with my schedule. Who knows, maybe I will enjoy it and it will be a long term thing. I know what my goal are now so it will make it easier to handle being tired.

Goals

1. Get caught up on current past due bills

2. Pay off current debt I racked up on my recent manic spree

3. Pay off anything in collections, mainly hospital bills but maybe I can talk them down when I am ready to pay

4. Pay off the stupid consolidation loan

And hopefully I will have time to do this before student loans come and hit me. Oh Kateri, why do you continue to do this to yourself? Why have you let the world fuck you up so much. Don’t you know there are children brutally tortured to death?

Despite my tummy issues I am still eating fine, there’s no guilt or anything. I am just eating when hungry or when I feel my tummy can handle it, tonight its feeling better.



Today

So that was yesterday, I was blogging on lunch and a friend came to sit down so I did not really have time to write anymore till now. So this friend, remember that guy I went on a couple dates with like last fall or winter? The one who I said was a good kisser but said he couldn’t see me because of my cats? Yeah that one I guess is my friend now at the bank. I guess we have partial lunches together like once a week maybe, yesterday was a full though. I actually was not wanting to see him, one partially because I was wanting to blog, but two because my feelings towards him are confusing. He was not in the lunchroom when I got there but than he soon came in. I thought maybe he was worried about how I was doing but instead he just started talking about his family’s Christmas plans in Florida, which I am sure it will be nice to get away because he lost his brother this past year. He likes to talk about himself a lot but I don’t mind that, it takes my thoughts off of myself. He’s nice though, pretty distant ironically, and I still am not sure if he is even a good friend, not that he’s like a hurtful person or anything, he’s just ghosted me once already because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings when I invited him to IT Part 2 and he had other plans for the day and didn’t want to do a group activity. I feel like the ghosting me and not even responding was probably more hurtful than just saying he already had plans but what do I know about being a good friend lol. So yeah, its just things like that, which can be exhausting to think about in my already overpopulated mind, thus why I was hoping to spend my lunch alone but at the same time I still enjoyed his company.

I do not think I mentioned an herbal extract I am taking. It’s “Good Mood” by Herb Pharma, organic and no unknown ingredients, just literally the plants. I feel it working very well, along with my crystals I feel at zen today. I am very tired today though, I had my ultrasound early this morning. With the results from that and my blood work the doctor said she recommends I follow up with my doctor as there is no real urgent situation, so I suppose that is good, but is more likely that its chronic. I am thinking intestinal, which I suppose I can work with that. It’s just dietary than. I think I will end up getting a flu shot though, just because if a small stomach bug was able to flare up whatever I have like it did than the last thing I want is a flare up during a flu.

My eating is normal, honestly I don’t even really think about it, I just eat I guess. I suppose though when I was having my mini relapse it wasn’t even about weight, it was just a stress coping mechanism. Maybe that is why I am able to bounce back to normal again. This time though I have found things I enjoy.

I think life is just weird. Like what determines where we get placed in life? Sure choices are our freedom but who or what decides what we are born into? Is it just chance? Fate? A god? Do we have multiple lives where some of us excruciatingly suffer? Have we all been born into riches? I am thinking maybe I have schizophrenia. How funny would it be if this was all their was and human kind has spent this life on surviving capitalism and war.

I do not really have anything to say I guess today. I am just existing right now I think. Existing, surviving, cant afford to live lol. Have a good evening everyone, I will just finish up my lunch and go back to work like a good American worker. Good night.

Check-In w/drawing

Hmm…sugar overload from treats at work, downed liquids to keep from dealing with constipation, cramps from my IUD, yep, its been a great evening. I am trying to stay grounded. I am still waiting to hear from a second job. I feel gross and bloated, damn this is all too familiar.



I think I mentioned before I am back to drawing, but I cannot recall if I said I am making a picture for my daughter for her birthday next month. It’s not much done yet, but it feels good to be able to hold a pencil without shaking.


I don’t know what it is I am trying to find. I know at the beginning of the year I made goals, I cannot remember what they were though. I know one was to get over bulimia, I suppose this is day five I think? I do not know when I can say I am truly over it since I was over it for like eight months? I guess I can just call it a fluke of starting again. I recall a second goal being to stay sober for a month, well I have done that but I also know I can never take a drink again. I have found drawing again and writing which I remember being another goal, finding things I used to enjoy. Maybe I will have a savings by the end of the year like I wanted. I received my associates which I know was one.I didn’t go skydiving but that is okay. I still feel like I am missing something though even though I have accomplished all that I have, I also feel like I have accomplished nothing. I think I will get a rose quartz, I need to open up my heart chakra, I think some self love will do me well.


I guess today was another day. I slept in, did my normal routine, coffee, shower, let Bailey out, that sort of thing. I drew some and did some laundry. I guess ordinary days are okay. It doesn’t leave much room to write, but I suppose the whole no news is better than bad news. I could be saying that I drank two bottles of wine and had six beers again while vomiting up fifty dollars worth of Chinese, but I’m not. I am just sitting here on lunch drinking tea and playing with my crystals, typing about nothing. I guess I can live with that.



And I guess with that I will say goodnight to my readers. I have a few hours left of work, took some Tylenol to hopefully help with these cramps. Have a good evening everyone, remember even a day of nothing is better than a day of giving in to bad habits.

A Month Sober

I am feeling a bit better today, a bit more balanced so to say. I am trying to down liquids to help with the bloat. I do not feel as bad this time around actually. I am drinking some apple cider vinegar to help with my tummy. Sigh, who would have thought I would be going through this shit again LOL. Man life can just be a drag. What is funny though is all the blogs I read about recovery was the need to quit drinking in order to recover and I always figured I was above that because I am stubborn and all. Guess I am typical after all. Alcohol is a poison anyways, I do not miss it.



I made some homemade soup today, lots of veggies and wild rice, good for the tummy to get going.

I honestly don’t remember the last time I made a home-made chicken soup with carbs. I am tired of dieting, tired of drinking, tired of bulimia, tired of being tired, tired of feeling sick all the time, tired of dying. Even when I went months without purging I still drank, I drank away many of the thoughts that accompany bulimia rather than dealing with them. I am tired of fitting into the American standard of beauty. Maybe I really am becoming an old hag.

In other news, I am officially a college drop out again, but at least I got my associates this time.



I have not posted my link to my book in awhile. Ever wonder how someone becomes so fucked up? Here ya go. Nah, actually when I read it I just see a girl who whines too much lol. Many people go through trauma, I honestly probably had it pretty easy. Maybe I am just weak minded.

https://www.amazon.com/Sixty-Memoir-Abused-Kateri-Epperson/dp/1095980564/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1571081580&sr=8-1

Hockey has started again and we won our first home game. I think the last game was the first game I actually spent completely sober. I enjoyed that. Drunk people annoy me.


I mainly wanted to let people know that I am feeling a bit better today, I think the stones are helping a bit but who knows, maybe its just mental. I will keep them close though. I am finishing up the last of my apple cider drink and than I have to gas up and head to work. I am picking up OT this Saturday. Damn, bulimia is expensive, and it was only a short time I was back at doing it but damn, those manic episodes can be pricey. Oh well, I can’t beat myself up too much over it, what’s done is done, now I just have to work and make money to fix everything and get back on track. Have a good day everyone, the sun is shining here but luckily it’s nice and cool, feels like 45 degrees out, I love it. Goodbye.

Just Existing

Sometime Last Week

Why do I feel like such a failure? I know I am not. Leaving college does not mean I am stupid, it just means it doesn’t work out at this point in my life. Education costs time and money, neither I can afford to give up. I don’t think I was meant for this world. This world in general is overwhelming. I am tired of always fighting and trying to survive. This world is dying. I am tired of politics. I am tired of capitalism.

I suppose I shouldn’t be bitching too much. It’s not like I am in Syria. I don’t understand a lot of the politics in this shitty world but I do feel like thousands or hundreds of thousands of innocent people are going to be slaughtered. I feel like there’s going to be a bad chain of events caused by this president and its going to ripple into the next presidential term, but its going to be the next president that gets to deal with all this shit the current one has caused, but its going to be the next president that is going to have to bear the responsibility. It will be worst if he’s a democrat because all the baby boomers will than talk about how he has ruined the world because Trump was the fucking savior.

Sorry, rant over. I should stay out of politics.

My philosophy teacher whom I loved told me to never stop writing. I sent him an email out of courtesy saying I would not be in class anymore. I will miss his lectures. I am not entirely sure what he means by never stop writing though, I kind of suck at it. I suppose practice makes perfect. He told me I was very interesting and that it means a lot coming from a philosopher. LOL, if only he realized how fucked up I really am and there’s not much interesting, its just broken puzzle pieces taped together hoping for that crack of light to open up and the struggle to finally be over.

TODAY

I have been feeling off balance lately. I am trying out crystals to help provide balance. I am not sure if they are working or if it’s a placebo effect. I think I am too sensitive. I am starting out with black obsidian and clear quartz stones in my pocket and wearing a amethyst bracelet. It is different but something alternative to try.

So if I go buy September 13-14 as being the last time I drank than today and tomorrow mark a month. I actually think it was the 14th, either way, a month tomorrow. This is also the third day I have not purged. I am starting to remember the uncomfortable bloat and pain in the tummy. I am really hoping it doesn’t last as long as previous times. I don’t even know why it started again, like I have become more accepting over my body and am honestly just exhausted of fighting and trying to always get better, whether it be from bulimia or drinking. Can I say now that its all over? I have never been without either. I might be tired of fighting but it’s all I know also, so I guess I will just keep on fighting till there is no need.

We have just dealt with a random snowstorm that dumped up to 26 inches on our state, we only got about 7 inches I think. The storms have been getting worst. I dreamt of this storm before it happened, I dreamt of a hurricane above North Dakota and that’s pretty much what this one was, just snow. Of course that doesn’t mean anything now that its happened lol, if I would have said something the night I had the dream it would have more meaning. My dreams are coming back, some nights I remember why I was happy to be rid of them, other nights I enjoy them.

Will my mind ever come back? My history? My past? Will any of it ever seem real again? DO I want it to be real? Maybe we don’t really remember memories once they are written down. LOL, maybe I really am going senile.

I should probably get back to work. My life is just very blank right now. I am just doing everything that a good American should be doing, working, paying bills, going to be getting a second job to get ahead in bills, too busy to worry except about making money to keep me off the streets. This if life I suppose. Have a good evening everyone. I have been trying to write something worth while but figure I should post what I have at least. Peace.

Withdrawing from College

I have been listening to a lot of Ayumi Hamasaki lately, k-pop and j-pop in general actually. It reminds me of more simpler times, a bit more innocent and when I had high hopes and dreams for myself. I haven’t listened to much of it since I was in my teens to lower twenties. I felt like I could do anything back than. Like I could accomplish anything I wanted and all my dreams would come true. It’s kind of funny and sickening how naive I was back than. I wanted what any stupid girl wanted, the fairy tale life of meeting the perfect man, falling in love, having an extravagant wedding, having my own home, a man who would love me and buy me presents, and just living happily ever after. Damn how much have I changed. I have learned that most men are just womanizing pigs who cheat, but so are women. I have to make it on my own, there is no man who is there to be a knight in shining armor for me, and honestly if there was it probably wouldn’t work out at this point, I would feel suffocated. I am so far gone from the innocent girl that I was. I imagine it to be like a dog who has been kicked too many times, sure they can love an owner but they are still broken so to say. I can’t be taken care of except by myself.


Well, I think I have made the decision to withdraw from school. I am overwhelmed these days on a constant basis and I honestly don’t know what for. I finished up my associates and that was my main goal, but I have no idea what I want to major in at this point. I am sacrificing work and school for work and school and for what? A degree in Ethics that is pointless on its own? The bank however has many opportunities without degrees. They take pride in teaching people the in’s and out’s and providing them with opportunities to grow without degrees. We have management who don’t have degrees, they have just worked themselves up.

What is sad is I make more than some teachers with degrees in the area and I hear so often people saying their degrees went to waste because they do nothing in the field that they wanted. I wanted to finish up my associates and I did that, I wanted a career where I could grow and I have that, my next goal is to get financially stable and I am on my way there. I could honestly switch school for a part time job and still have more rest at this point because every morning is spent in class where as part time would only be 2-3 mornings a week.

Does it make sense to hurt my career for an education that could be useless, and with the way I am headed, will be? I do not have time for myself and isn’t that where healthy coping mechanisms are found? In myself? I am discovering drawing again and I haven’t drawn in years. I am finding the beauty in music and am seeing the music in my head again and that has been years as well since that has happened. I am wanting to blog more because it is therapeutic for me. I want to spend more time with my pup and kitties. I will probably be able to see my daughter a little bit more too. I want to promote my book more and be that hope for others.

I am not sure how broken I am but I know my mind can only handle so much. I feel like a lot of this disorder is acceptance. I accept that I will always be fighting with myself, I accept that I can never get too excited and happy because than I become off balance and hit a major low, I accept that I will always want to fool myself into wanting drinks in stressful times or to purge, I accept I will not be able to be interested in one subject long enough to make a long term goal out of in terms of education, and I guess now I accept that my mind cannot handle as much as a healthy one.

My life has to have balance. Maybe in the future I will want to go back to school, after a year the bank offers tuition reimbursement, and with that I don’t have to be full time, I could just take a class. I cannot take just a class however with my scholarships, I have to be full time. It was fun though. I am not a failure, I have done my goals, now I need to follow the path that will lead me to success.


I have been having terrible tummy pains after I eat. I am wondering how much of this is because I am trying to stop the purging. I imagine my tummy to be paper thin by this point. I have read that maybe it could be not enough stomach acid to break down food so I am trying an apple cider vinegar mixture to help as I have read that does wonderful things for the tummy. I have been doing fairly well on controlling the purging I guess, I think it will get a lot better now. I have never been able to focus on myself, like I have had goals such as bills and school to achieve, getting a new safe apartment, getting a safe car, having nice clothes and presenting myself well, getting over the drinking and purging, but there has never been that self insight that I have worked on, such as drawing. This life seems so pointless and meaningless but I also don’t have much enjoyments other than hockey and my daughter. Now I can work on developing more.


Well, I suppose that is all I have today. I am pretty tired but have to get going to work soon. It’s kinda a bummer post I suppose but I am also kinda relieved in a way. I don’t do well on lack of sleep. Have a good evening everyone, be good to yourselves.