Just Existing

Sometime Last Week

Why do I feel like such a failure? I know I am not. Leaving college does not mean I am stupid, it just means it doesn’t work out at this point in my life. Education costs time and money, neither I can afford to give up. I don’t think I was meant for this world. This world in general is overwhelming. I am tired of always fighting and trying to survive. This world is dying. I am tired of politics. I am tired of capitalism.

I suppose I shouldn’t be bitching too much. It’s not like I am in Syria. I don’t understand a lot of the politics in this shitty world but I do feel like thousands or hundreds of thousands of innocent people are going to be slaughtered. I feel like there’s going to be a bad chain of events caused by this president and its going to ripple into the next presidential term, but its going to be the next president that gets to deal with all this shit the current one has caused, but its going to be the next president that is going to have to bear the responsibility. It will be worst if he’s a democrat because all the baby boomers will than talk about how he has ruined the world because Trump was the fucking savior.

Sorry, rant over. I should stay out of politics.

My philosophy teacher whom I loved told me to never stop writing. I sent him an email out of courtesy saying I would not be in class anymore. I will miss his lectures. I am not entirely sure what he means by never stop writing though, I kind of suck at it. I suppose practice makes perfect. He told me I was very interesting and that it means a lot coming from a philosopher. LOL, if only he realized how fucked up I really am and there’s not much interesting, its just broken puzzle pieces taped together hoping for that crack of light to open up and the struggle to finally be over.

TODAY

I have been feeling off balance lately. I am trying out crystals to help provide balance. I am not sure if they are working or if it’s a placebo effect. I think I am too sensitive. I am starting out with black obsidian and clear quartz stones in my pocket and wearing a amethyst bracelet. It is different but something alternative to try.

So if I go buy September 13-14 as being the last time I drank than today and tomorrow mark a month. I actually think it was the 14th, either way, a month tomorrow. This is also the third day I have not purged. I am starting to remember the uncomfortable bloat and pain in the tummy. I am really hoping it doesn’t last as long as previous times. I don’t even know why it started again, like I have become more accepting over my body and am honestly just exhausted of fighting and trying to always get better, whether it be from bulimia or drinking. Can I say now that its all over? I have never been without either. I might be tired of fighting but it’s all I know also, so I guess I will just keep on fighting till there is no need.

We have just dealt with a random snowstorm that dumped up to 26 inches on our state, we only got about 7 inches I think. The storms have been getting worst. I dreamt of this storm before it happened, I dreamt of a hurricane above North Dakota and that’s pretty much what this one was, just snow. Of course that doesn’t mean anything now that its happened lol, if I would have said something the night I had the dream it would have more meaning. My dreams are coming back, some nights I remember why I was happy to be rid of them, other nights I enjoy them.

Will my mind ever come back? My history? My past? Will any of it ever seem real again? DO I want it to be real? Maybe we don’t really remember memories once they are written down. LOL, maybe I really am going senile.

I should probably get back to work. My life is just very blank right now. I am just doing everything that a good American should be doing, working, paying bills, going to be getting a second job to get ahead in bills, too busy to worry except about making money to keep me off the streets. This if life I suppose. Have a good evening everyone. I have been trying to write something worth while but figure I should post what I have at least. Peace.

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Author: unbreakablekitten

Headed East towards the horizon

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