We are all in charge of our happiness, sure some of us have to work harder but life really is not fair. We all suffer in our own ways in life, the richest of the rich and the poorest of the poor. I suppose if we are still alive suffering then that should mean we still have the chance to find what we are looking for. My daughters mom can’t understand why I am able to let the small things get to me when I have overcome as much as I have in life. I suppose its just eventually it becomes so exhausting to deal with life. I guess thats where my lack of appreciation of being alive comes in. I haven’t been creating my own happiness, I have been trying to find things I enjoy but its been to pass time by, not to be happy. I have been feeling lost since leaving school. Honestly I think I have always just felt lost in life in general. When all you have done is survived and then you are at the point you can put more meaning in your life its kind of a clusterfuck of unfamiliar emotions, mainly good. I think I asked before “what’s a life without bulimia, alcohol, and surviving?” The answer is living, but what does that mean? It means different things to different people. I have always kept busy to keep from feeling the sense of lost, I think thats a big reason I continued on my education, but there was no goal so it didn’t work out. Now there are goals and things I enjoy.
1. Get to my previously mentioned financial goals, I will, it may take a while, but I will.
2. Sponsor a child, probably start this paycheck or the next. I need to feel like I am making an impact somewhere.
3. Work my way up to management at a bank, I love the clerical work I do but I do like some human interaction, thus where I think the grocery store will help with my mental clarity a bit too for the time being. It will be a few years, but I have a mentor now. First I need to pay off debt enough that I can afford a single job and a daytime position without the night differential.
4. I want to grow my network more, so volunteering or helping out at events, things that could get me known. Networking is a big thing in the bank too. Honestly, just working on social interaction in general I think is something that will do me good.
5. I am already doing this a lot, but working on my own mental issues. I know I am extreme, there is very little gray area with me. Can this be changed? Possibly, but what I am trying to do is how to handle the extremes, such as finding herbal extracts that help calm me down, like the one with St. John’s wort, and than listening to calming music while meditating with a Smokey quartz. Honestly just having the crystals with me help a lot. I have maybe two cups of coffee a day, I try to keep it to one though, otherwise I have really been into tea, ones with little caffeine but herbs that help with moods, focus, and energy. Caffeine is bad for anxiety. I am all off of melatonin due to a similar routine. I take my mud water when I wake up too to help with focus. I just feel a lot clearer mentally this way.
6. Eating habits, this is a big one just because I don’t want that terrible pain to happen again. I need to be healthier. My joints depend on healthy doses of vitamins too. I am not very into vitamins in pill form, too many controversies with how much they are good. All the studies though say that the best way to get nourishment is by eating healthy foods. This is also better for my digestive system as it needs to know how to process food too. I am back to being regular again, yay. I have been eating kinda junky though the past few days due to hockey games, I feel it in my joints today. But yes, need to be healthier. I want to be a good role model for my daughter too. And when I say healthier I don’t mean low carb. I mean fruits, grains, and vegetables, and a little dairy such as Greek yogurt because my stomach cannot handle lactose well at all.
7. Finding enjoyment, which I already have in like drawing and music again. Of course I enjoy every moment with my daughter. I like taking walks with my dog. I have been trying to read more too, I actually bought some books on Wicca, Crystals, and Herbal medication. I want mental stimuli to come from doing things that don’t involve technology. Granted I do still like to play my video games but I have noticed I spend too much time on social media. I want to start cooking more too, since I enjoy that and its healthier and saves money. I should probably start writing more too.
I realized I didn’t mention anything with alcohol up there, I think thats because its not even a thing to me anymore. It’s nothing I crave, I hate the feeling it gives me, I hate feeling the after effects, don’t like the smell or taste. When I am around people who are drinking it’s just whatever I guess. I don’t like being around the drunk people, but if people are just enjoying themselves thats fine, the people in our hockey group normally stick to one to two so they are just happy people rather than annoying. It’s not something I miss though. I like feeling happy without it. Actually I like just having good feelings in general. Alcohol only gives me anxiety, depression, and everything bad. It’s very easy to live without it surprisingly. I thought it was something I needed for so many years, its just funny to me. I enjoy life more now.
If we don’t find our happiness than we are doomed to spread poison. This way of thinking actually makes me feel pity for Trump. He is the perfect example honestly, he has money, power, family, and he is still just a sad pig of a man. Money hasn’t bought him happiness, presidency was just another way he feels the need to prove himself for his dad never loving him. HIs family hates him. I always find it kind of funny when people grow to be the people they despise. I don’t want to be that. I am not sure who I despise though. I just don’t want to be the one who seeps poison. I don’t want to be sad and pitiful. I never wanted people to take pity on me when I talked about all the abuse, I wanted to be seen as strong. The depression and the other negative emotions, I never want pity for that either, I just want to show I am like any other human who struggles. We really do make our own happiness.
The cats and Bailey are doing well as always. Mr. Cooper is still an annoying troublemaker as always, Fat Louie is still just a fat cuddly happy cat, and Bailey enjoys daycare normally once a week and is getting some stuffing as well on him.
It’s an overcast chilly day. I am enjoying it. The sun is just too much at times. My soup is about done, which is nice because I have to start getting ready for work soon. I had my detox tea, mud water, and a cup of coffee to start my day. Also, Allie X, wow I am in love with her. I am addicted to Purge and That’s So Us. A majority of her songs I enjoy though, its nice when an artist has a variety of music. I appreciate that she writes her own music too.
I need to vacuum before I get ready for work so I shall get going. In the midst of depression I know it’s hard to be happy but I hope anyone who is reading this who feels down will try to find something to be happy about. Our happiness is in our hands, even if it means working and striving for it, sometimes thats what helps us appreciate it more I think. Have a good day everyone. 🙂