While studying psychology back in the day I always wondered what caused someone to be pushed over the edge, maybe it is not even fair to say when I studied, this is a question I have often asked myself. I have wanted to be dead many times, and there have been, and still are, points where its more often than not. You can have humans who have all experienced the same torture whom some learn to appreciate life while others succumb to the memories. Many of us deal with debt, living paycheck to paycheck while struggling to enjoy a life that costs money to pretty much do anything and there are people who can still see the good in that, while others like myself am sickened by the inequality. There was a point where I wanted so hard to die but my body wanted to survive.
Is my mind or my body the betrayer there?
I said before a long time ago, I believe in my book, that if assisted suicide were legal than a person should have their spiritual beliefs in order as a requirement, maybe that is why I was never successful before. I was always afraid that if a hell existed I would be banished to there but I do not believe in hell and am very comfortable in my beliefs now. Could I actually be successful now? It is merely a question of how far I have come.
Well, it is Thanksgiving. I know many readers are from other countries and I am not sure if anything like this is celebrated elsewhere, I would assume not. It is a pointless holiday, mainly for families to be thankful for their families and riches I think. Back in the day it took days to prepare for, now that everything is pre-made and instant it takes merely the time that it takes to cook the turkey, which even that comes cooked now if someone so chooses. It used to be the one day that families feasted, a day where food was not seen as scarce but to enjoy it without worry. Now Americans enjoy adequate food and over indulgence fairly regularly. I did not do anything for it today, spent time with my boys but thats it. There was some miscommunication so I didn’t get to see my daughter today whom I am thankful for. Maybe it is more I just didn’t hear or don’t remember hearing rather than miscommunication. My memory is getting worst these days.
My daughter, my heart, my big brown eyed girl, she is the only reason I am really alive these days. I am not sure how good I am for her though. Ive told her mom I feel like I am going to end up their greatest disappointment. I know I already am in many ways. I do not regret my past, for a long time I did, but I lived, I cannot regret living. The only part I do regret is giving up, if I never gave up than maybe I could have provided for my daughter. I didn’t try hard enough. That’s okay though, she has more now than I could have ever given her at my best. I guess I can’t regret that. I thought it would be easier by now, many days are, but holidays are always the most depressing. That is my fault though, I am the one who lets myself feel.
What is a life without alcohol? What is a life without bulimia? What is a life without the cutting? The parties? The adrenaline? On holidays its dealing with your greatest enemy, yourself. Other days its working to pay for the past. Some people are lucky and never have to pay for the past, others have to fuck their bodies up to be somewhat stable.
What is a life without addiction?
It’s sitting here alone wishing this fucking sparkling water was a fucking beer and this fucking taco was a pizza so I could binge, purge, and drink away the headache and weakness after the high. I won’t….but thats just how I feel right now.
I suppose other times its freedom knowing I don’t need to always go to the bathroom to puke my guts out and spend twice as much on beer because I often used the beer as a lubricant for the food. Win some lose some I guess, thus is life. To be fair, going out is a lot cheaper.
I have not posted in awhile. It has mainly because I have been so busy working both jobs. I have an interview for a lot higher paying part time job on Monday. I will be happy to not work in a grocery store, like seeing people is nice, but I think I have communicated with enough people to last me a year or so. Ugh, seriously, smiling all the time gives me such a headache. Anyways, I am thinking this could be a great opportunity to get into an HR setting, I know sometimes these staffing agency jobs can lead to permanent positions. With automation at the bank taking away 90% of our departments work and major layoffs happening, I think I need to start thinking about a different career. This pisses my mom off because she sees me as just job hopping and you know, I of course can’t handle anything in life and am a failure, well, she doesn’t directly call me a failure but does gawk a lot about how great my sister is and how much she is achieving my working and going to school, being engaged, and all that. I should be more compassionate though, we did find out she has had a heart attack at some point just a couple weeks ago so I shouldn’t say anything, I would feel guilty about if something were to happen. Personally I feel I have achieved a lot. I guess thats all that matters.
I think I will get going now, I have been a little sick lately and my back is still hurting a bit. I think I will go cuddle with Bailey and watch some Hulu. I will try to blog more, I think I need to for the self therapy. It’s just hard to be interesting and in turn seems pointless, you know, that wonderful black and white. Gotta love the D word. I know this depression will pass, maybe the impending blizzard will help, if we get one, I really hope we get one, we have no snow at all. Well, have a good night peeps.