I applied for the biomanufacturing place I used to work, I doubt I will get it but I doesn’t hurt to try. I do not like feeling like I am on a sinking ship. I also want to have a career where I know I make some sort of impact in the world. I won’t be even close to the department I was once in but instead in research grade labs if I get the position. It’s worth a try, the worst they can say is no and I am still waiting for something better to come along. I really do need to learn to bite my tongue more, I have been considering a tongue ring for this reason.
Today was a good day, I spent it with my daughter and her mom. We have been talking more about internal feelings and such to get them out and open. I think its a good thing. There was no fighting, but damn, I was a really bitchy fucking hurtful drunk. I never wanted to hear it before. I always told my daughters mom that if I said anything it didn’t matter because I was drunk but that shits not right. It does help me though because there have been times I think one drink won’t be too terrible but shit, it will.
My dad is an alcoholic, the same kind as me, can go years and whatever without it but when he has it he can’t stop. I know he gets cravings and whatnot but I think the therapy has really helped him. (I know I have mentioned in my book about growing up with a dad with PTSD from Vietnam and other life’s trauma, and now the agent orange being the fucker it is) Anyways, the reason he said he stopped drinking was when my two oldest brothers were kids *before my third brother was born* he was hungover pretty bad all day one day. When he put the boys to bed they said their nighttime prayers and my second oldest brother prayed that his daddy would never be so sick again. He never really drank again after that, I know him and my mom had started trying wine last year but stopped abruptly, never said why but I am fairly certain something happened. Anyways, a guilty image I always have of myself is being hungover on my daughters parents couch when she was a little toddler, like maybe a year old, possibly two but still little, and I was too hungover on the couch to really enjoy the time with them. It’s shameful to think about but I don’t want to miss anymore times like that. I also don’t ever want to say hurtful shit while drunk again. Alcohol is a bitch.
We did not end up getting the Armageddon blizzard everyone was talking about, just a few inches and much of it melted as it landed. I was fairly bummed because I have really been wanting to try out my AWD on my car I got earlier this year. Oh well, its still the beginning of winter, not even actually.
I am going to try and make the holidays the best they can be for my daughter. We are going to decorate their home tomorrow. I want my daughter to have great memories about Christmas.
I need to be more appreciative of what I have. I have worked very hard to achieve all that I wanted, and even though I am not yet where I want I have worked very fucking hard. I just need to learn to breath. I am getting better at that I know but damn, I just need to calm down at times. I am in a place I could only dream of four years ago, shit even three, hell maybe even two. I will be successful. I just gotta breath.
Well, that was my update for today peeps. I hope everyone had a good one, I am trying to find a new show to binge watch, I am on withdrawal from The Handmaids Tale. I think I might start some K-Drama or something. Have a good night everyone, be good to yourselves, and if your not, thats okay too, just don’t be too hard on yourself. Good night.