I was always the loser in school. Whether it was various villages when a kid or going to school in North Dakota, I was always the different one. When younger I still had a few friends but once I moved to North Dakota, I really didn’t have any. I was fat and ugly when I first moved down here. Spending five years in a certain village with nothing to do but eat junk food and play video games left me feeling disgusting. I was picked on a lot, kids are cruel. I would say the heaviest I was must have been around the 250 mark. When I started high school, I had too much anxiety to go to the lunch room so I often sat in a quiet place and didn’t eat at school. I lost a lot of weight and people started telling me how good I looked. When I look back, that is probably the drop that started the ripple effect for the eating disorder.
Ironically, when I look up on social media the ones who teased me the worst, most of them are nothing to really look at now and are divorced or single with different baby daddies selling make-up. It’s funny in a way that I risked ruining so much of myself to live up to the standards of people who would eventually become nothing after they didn’t have their cheerleading costume or whatever on.
I really wanted a drink after work last night. It was one of those mentally exhausting days that had so much bullshit mixed in that when I made it home, I was ready to take my bra off and pour a glass of wine. I would like to be at the point in my recovery where I can do that, but for the time being I can’t. I took Bailey to the park instead. I had anxiety for a while which had a bad depression accompany it right after, thus causing me to b/p. It is always easy to be strong the night before I go to bed. I tell myself I will be stronger the next day after a full night’s rest, it rarely happens.
I did not sleep well at all; I woke up numerous times during the night in a cold sweat. I had a full eight hours of sleep, but I feel very hazy today. I am ready for a weekend. I am not doing much for myself today other than making it through the day. There’s a big part of me that doesn’t even really care about the recovery today. I hope I am on the end of this mood because right now I feel suffocated by life.
I am not trying to sound overly depressed or like I am seeking attention. I am just writing what I feel because maybe someone will read it who is going through the same thing and will realize its only normal. My mind still has a lot of recovering to do. Not every day will be a good day and that goes for everyone.